


Touch and Taste

by nimery



Series: Enterprise and Coffee Shop [2]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, And Hisoka's nice too, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, I'm Sorry, Illumi is actually a good big brother, M/M, Touch & Taste Verse, and humor, because I can't write serious things without cracking a few jokes, something's wrong with that but oh well
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-18
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-18 04:17:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 85,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3555722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nimery/pseuds/nimery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Killua Zoldyck was many things.<br/>Heir to a successful corporation,<br/>Prodigious artist,<br/>And the best friend and lover Gon could ever ask for. </p><p>OR the one where Killua is a drug addict and Gon is trying to get him clean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Paint

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Enigmatree](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enigmatree/gifts), [CielPhantomhive](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CielPhantomhive/gifts).



> This is dedicated to the two people who have kept me writing this story. I have so much gratitude for you both. Thank you.
> 
> This just suddenly popped in my head, I'm so sorry
> 
> The drug referenced is D2, which was made by Gyro in the NGL and is a popular narcotic in the HxH world. It's a little white pill. Neither the anime nor the manga really talk a lot about it, so I took some creative licenses.
> 
> And re: the bobby pins, when Killua's painting he does his hair up like Rin Okumura from Blue Exorcist because Killua with his bangs pulled back is way too tempting to pass up.

He woke with a groan; his body shivering, head pounding. His eyes opened slowly to a waterlogged shower head. This wasn't his bathroom. He didn't even have a bathtub; it couldn't be his. Killua sat up and rubbed his eyes as he got used to the light. Everything was too bright. He silently cursed the white walls around him.

The first thing he noticed was that he was naked, which he probably should have noticed before, but it explained why he was so cold. He didn't see his clothes anywhere, but his phone was just beyond him, on the edge of the sink.

It wasn't the worst condition he'd ever woken up in, naked and freezing and alone in a bathtub. Sometimes he'd woken up in a stranger's arms, or with a stranger in his. One time he'd woken up covered in scratches and bruises, which wasn't something he liked to think about, mostly due to the fact that he had no idea how the hell he ended up like that. He never really remembered what he did, and sometimes he didn't care. Others, it bothered the hell out of him.

He pushed himself out of the tub and retrieved his phone, catching a short glimpse of the bags under his eyes and his mussed hair in the mirror above the sink before he couldn't bare to look anymore- why did he look so tired? so pale?- and looked away.

Thirteen messages. And not just from Illumi.

Well, eight of them were from Illumi.

One was from Kurapika, two from Alluka, one from an unknown number, another from his father.

Killua took a deep breath, if his father was texting him, he could only guess what was going on, what heap of shit he'd woken up to this time.

Before he could open any of the messages- he'd probably open the one from the unknown number first to spare himself the guilt Illumi, Alluka, or worse, Kurapika would give him- his phone started going off. Now, Illumi was calling him.

He hesitated to answer, knowing full well what he was in for if he did answer. After a few rings, he gave in, pressing the little green button, and putting the phone to his ear.

"Yo." He said, knowing that answering nonchalantly would work against him, but he couldn't help himself. It was sort of like proving to himself that he was okay enough to joke. Curse the day he couldn't joke anymore.

"Do you even know what time it is?" His brother hissed. In the background, Killua could distinctly make out the clinking of glasswear.

"Late? Or maybe early, I just woke up. What time is it?" From the other side, he could also hear some faint talking. "Am I missing something important?"

"Honestly, Killu. Did you forget your own birthday?"

Killua laughed. He had the lack of clothes for it, that much was sure. "Is that what today is?"

Illumi let out a long, exhausted sigh. "Yes, and it's been today for a while. It's six o'clock, Killu."

"The way you say that makes me think it's after noon."

"It  _is_ after noon."

Killua made a small sound of understanding. He'd either been sleeping the whole day, or he woke up and knew it was his birthday so he took some D2.

The latter seemed very likely.

Killua hated his birthday, always did, always will, so it didn't really surprise him that even his clean self would rather be high off his ass than deal with his family's shit. His mother always made a really big deal out of his birthday, and he hated that, couldn't his birthday just pass like any other day?

If he had a choice, it would, with sleeping and chocolate and painting... and maybe a little bit of D2.

The important thing was, in his opinion, Killua understood that he had a problem, that there was something wrong with his dependence on this chemical, but he couldn't really bring himself to care enough to stop. He didn't think he ever would.

"Huh, did you see me in the morning?" He'd migrated back to the tub, sitting on the side of it.

"Yes, and I reminded you of the party."

"What'd I do?"

"You hissed at me."

He laughed quietly at that, a quick puff of breath; it was a reasonable reaction, whether he was high at the time or not. "So what exactly am I missing, probably dad stalling for time while I find my pants, yeah?"

"Find your _what_?" That was said loudly, and the other side grew hushed. Imagining Illumi standing among people suddenly shouting into his phone, causing everyone at the party to stare at him, Killua laughed again, louder this time.

"Yep. It's my birthday, I'm in my suit." He laid back against the wall while perched on the thick rim of the tub, pale thighs spread apart. "Letting it all hang out."

"You're not... in anyone's bedroom, are you?" Illumi was quiet again, but angry.

"No, actually. I woke up in a bathtub. Don't worry, Il-nii, I'm all alone." He paused for a few beats. "But I still don't know where my clothes are."

"Who's bathroom?"

"I actually have no idea."

He heard another drawn out sigh. The speaking on the other side was distant now, as if Illumi had left the main room of the party. "I swear to God, Killu. Find your clothes and go back to the house. I'll figure out something to tell mom."

"Tell her I was at the college or in the shed or something."

"Fine, just get back to the house."

 Illumi hung up first, and Killua put his phone away; he could check the messages later.

He slowly exited the bathroom, looking both ways, not seeing any pictures telling him who's house he could possibly be in. Killua frowned. The hallway was just eerily bare; he didn't like it. It had no character.

But his tank top was hanging on the doorknob of the door to the bathroom, which was a start.

He didn't really worry too much about walking around naked. Whoever owned this place had probably already seen him like this. So he slung the tanktop over his shoulder and looked in the room across the hall.

His shorts and boxers were on the bed, but he also saw the vague shape of someone laying in the bed, sleeping. He walked slowly, quietly as not to wake the figure, and quickly redressed with what he had. At least he wasn't naked anymore.

He mussed his hair after slipping on the tanktop and crept toward the bed, peeking at who was in it, because he was curious, especially if this person had stuck their tongue down his throat and enthusiastically undressed him. He didn't feel anything, but that could mean he topped, or it was a girl. Or he didn't have sex at all.

"Motherfucker," he whispered the moment he saw the figure's face, and suddenly hoped that he didn't have sex at all last night- or this afternoon. He also hoped that no tongues had been down his throat. He shoved the sleeping male.

"Hey," he hissed, "wake the fuck up you useless bastard and tell me what you remember."

The man's lips quirked in an amused smile, and he opened a yellow eye slowly. "Ah, Killu, you're always so mean to me."

"Just tell me what you remember before I hit you."

Hisoka sat up, looking too pleased for Killua's liking. "Oh, that's nothing like what you said when I found you a couple of hours ago. Strolling down the street, would've ended up in someone's bed if I hadn't intervened. You're awfully flirty when you're high." The man winked, and Killua could feel his stomach turn.

"Don't tell me what I did, please. Just tell me, without detail, what happened."

"Hmmm, you turned green, are you okay?" Hisoka turned his head to the side. "Anyway, I found you in a particularly bad part of town, and I rescued you. Don't I deserve a thank you for my heroism?"

"Shut up," Killua sighed.

"Hmm? I thought you wanted me to tell you what happened? I mean, you did wake up naked in my apartment."

Killua sat down on the ground, putting his head in his hands. "Okay fine, just. Say what happened; don't be a douchebag about it."

"I took you back here, you tried to make out with me- did I mention that you were flirty when you're high? Because you are- I took off your shirt because you'd somehow gotten it dirty and then you took off the rest of your clothes, threw them everywhere and fell asleep in the bathtub."

Killua winced. "Damn, I'm a mess." Which was another joke that wouldn't be laughed at.

"Do you want me to call your brother?"

"That's another thing. I've been here for a few hours, right? And Illumi had no idea where I was. You could've called him when I fell asleep," he pointed out, poking Hisoka's forehead.

"I tried, he didn't pick up. Then I watched some golf." Which explained why he was asleep. Killua shook his head.

"Do you want to help or am I hitchhiking home?" His blue eyes raised to Hisoka's yellow. Hisoka stretched before slipping out of the bed.

"I'll get your shirt, you wait in the living room."

He stood and left the room and the teen on the floor. Killua stood, taking a deep breath.

It could have been worse. Hisoka could be an even-more-perverted-than-Hisoka stranger, that welcomed his advances, instead of Hisoka, who probably would have if he hadn't been engaged to Illumi.

Killua fished through his pockets, finding his bobby pins and fixing them in his hair, pulling back his bangs, while walking to where he assumed Hisoka's living room was.

He'd never been to Hisoka's house before, and he never wanted to go there again. Especially if Illumi was there. He shuddered at the thought of the two of them being all loving and gross, which they probably weren't, but still. It was all a big coincidence, really. Illumi shouldn't have been in that class at the college, but he was and he met Hisoka.

Hisoka was a political science major because he liked it when people stabbed each other in the back. Illumi was a business major, to follow in their father's footsteps.

But they both knew who'd inherit the company. Killua would. Even though he majored in art.

Painting was his alternative to drugs. If he didn't have any D2 left, he'd work through the withdrawal through art, painting what he was feelings. Those paintings were always very dark, with blacks and reds as displays for his anger and physical pain.

He'd run out three times before, but he always got more. It wasn't like he needed it, or wanted it, it had simply become something of routine, like how when someone gets a headache and they take some aspirin. When Killua got bored or felt the achings of withdrawal he'd take some D2.

Killua had a rule, though, he wouldn't paint when he was high, he'd done it before and had to get entirely new brushes and paints because of the sloppy mess he'd made.

His dad knew about his addiction, but never really did anything. As long as he was never high in front of the public, he could get as messed up as he fucking wanted to and Silva wouldn't care.

His mother, on the other hand, also knew about it, and has tried again and again to talk him into stopping. He found the attempts annoying and was commonly shit-faced afterward.

If she did find out that he wasn't painting today, he'd be in for the nagging of his life. And even if she didn't support his painting, at least she didn't hate it as much as she hated the drugs.

"I heard Mr. Zoldyck was throwing you a celebratory party. Nineteen's a big year for you, isn't it? Inheriting the company and all."

Killua winced once more, rubbing his middle finger against his temple. "Don't remind me."

"Why don't you give the position to Illumi or Milluki?"

"I tried, believe me. Dad said I couldn't, that I'd regret it in the future."

Hisoka scoffed, grabbing his keys off the coffee table. "Try telling him that it's your future and you can do whatever the fuck you want."

"He also said I 'couldn't make it as the next Van Gogh.' Fucking hell, I don't want to be Van Gogh. Why does everyone compare a budding artist to Van Gogh? I want to be Killua. I want to be known as Killua Zoldyck."

Hisoka looked at him for a moment, before his eyes flitted to Killua's phone.

"You've got a text."

Instinctively, Killua glanced down to the preview of the message.

 **Senritsu:** <No subject> I found this online...

Killua closed his eyes before opening the message. Sure enough, it was a picture of him a couple nights ago, when he'd gotten really bored and decided it would be a good idea to go out. So much for keeping his problems out of the public eye. Hell, if Senritsu's seen it, everyone's seen it.

Maybe that was what Kurapika's text was about as well.

He skimmed through the other texts he'd neglected. Illumi yelling, Illumi yelling, Illumi yelling, Alluka yelling, Kurapika being genuinely concerned, the unknown number which turned out to be Leorio, Kurapika's boyfriend, introducing himself and worrying about him and how his irresponsibility is affecting Kurapika.

The text from his father, though, he read with pursed lips.

He'd seen the picture on a morning show. The commentator had questioned Silva's ability to run a business since he couldn't even control his own son.

His father was also telling him they have an interview on Saturday. Enough time to get his shit together.

Okay, maybe that's not exactly what he said, but it was what he meant.

Killua would have to be clean for the rest of the week.

Considering it was only Tuesday, he had quite the journey ahead of him. And a lot of painting. And coffee.

'That,' he thought as he stood and followed Hisoka to his car, 'is one of the problems with being in a family that's a public spectacle.'

'You're forced to dance however they want you to.'

Hisoka's car, when they reached it, made Killua hesitate.

The thing was, it was very obviously Hisoka's. A small blue-ish purple compact.

It looked just about as creepy as its owner.

The ride home was quiet. Like a funeral march, but maybe because that was how it felt to Killua.

Even though his family would be at the celebration, he still had to face Gotoh, maybe Canaria. And no doubt they knew what he was up to.

They were the only two workers he actually liked too. They were cool. Gotoh used to do a cool coin trick when he was a child. Canaria was around his age.

In fact, they'd grown up together. Her parents worked for his before she'd gotten a job there as well, that happened when they were sixteen. He used to play with Canaria, once upon a time, but when they were eleven it suddenly stopped. He didn't really know why, and it still kind of bothered him.

Hisoka slowed outside the gates and nodded. "Your stop."

Killua gave him a terse nod and got out of the car.

He watched Hisoka drive away, refusing to admit, not even to himself, that he dreaded going into the manor now. The stone floors and medieval architecture of the house had always made him sort of uneasy. Especially on days like this, when he knew he'd done something to warrant disappointment.

He pushed the gates open and made a bee-line to the shed just outside the manor.

* * *

 

In their childhood, Killua and Alluka would spend lots of time by the shed, pretending it was something else. A house, a space shuttle, a log cabin, sometimes it was merely used as a prop, the perfect door for their adventures, the tower that Alluka was locked up in. One time it was a haunted castle, courtesy of a story Zeno told them. He'd knelt down, the children beside him, and told them the story of the seer girl. They'd both shivered. When Killua got to college, he met someone who somehow reminded him of the story, Palm Siberia. He used to think she wanted to kill him, but people change.

Some time when he was in high school, the shed had become an art studio, for both Killua and Maha, where Killua kept his paints and brushes, with an easel in the middle of the floor and finished paintings leaning against the wall, while Maha had a stool to the side, and countless whittled sculptures.

Some were messes of dark colors, one was a dramatic interpretation of Kurapika, he'd gotten permission to paint his friend first, with red eyes and chains. He liked that one, it made his friend look powerful. People never really believed Kurapika was strong, but Killua knew better. The guy secretly had a black belt in Judo. He'd kicked Killua's ass on so many occasions, Killua learned not to challenge Kurapika to a fight.

It was a process, though.

He sat down at his current project. At the moment, he only had the sketch. It was supposed to be a happy painting, but he couldn't think of anything to make the subject. He was going to paint the embodiment of light, but he didn't have a face. There was no way in hell that he would start painting without knowing what he would paint. He'd done it once before. It turned into a fearsome display of anger and terror.

When he finished that, he'd started crying. It displayed so well what he was feeling at the time.

He didn't like seeing how he felt. That painting had joined the others of its kind, the ones he'd painted when he was going through withdrawal.

It felt like hours, how long Killua was sitting in front of the empty painting before he heard the door to the shed creak open.

"Oh, Killu." His mother walked in and rested her hand on his back. "You missed a great party, why you would rather be in here with these... things... is rather beyond me."

'Well,' Killua silently sniped, 'being in here means I get to spend less time with you.' He glared at the painting, pretending to be actually thinking about it.

"It's like you're trying to distance yourself from us."

'I am.'

"Trying to cast us away."

'That too.'

"And ever since you got that apartment, we barely see you around unless you're painting."

'Because there isn't any room for my art stuff at the place.'

"And to think you live alone with a female, it makes a mother worry."

'Yeah, but it's Senritsu. She's like my sister. Plus, I'm not even attracted to girls, mom.'

"I just worry about the kind of people you spend time with."

'And you're not worried about Hisoka?'

He was tempted to say the last one out loud but held back. It's not like his mother needed to worry about Illumi too.

"You've met Kurapika, mom," was what he ended up saying. Kurapika, responsible Kurapika, was always his trump card when it came to his mother disliking his friends.

"And that's the only one I have met, it's like you're keeping all of your other friends from me."

'I'm really not. You could easily come to my apartment and meet Senritsu. Because she and Kurapika are the only close friends I have.'

"I do say you could easily meet Ritsu," Killua said with a sigh, "she's almost always at the apartment. Maybe you could hear her practice her flute."

He could feel Kikyo's disappointed eyes on him as he stood and turned, flashing his mother a brief smile.

"Speaking of, she's expecting me soon, big thing she and Kurapika have been planning. I shouldn't know about it, but I do. Bye, mom."

He slipped past her, ignoring anything she said to try to get him to come back. He pulled out his phone, sending an SOS to Kurapika, as he walked out the gate of the manor.

It's his birthday. The perfect present, in his opinion, would be to be left alone.


	2. Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coffee and paint are Killua's methods of dealing with withdrawal as he prepares for the upcoming interview.  
> Leorio introduces Kurapika and Killua to a friend.  
> Killua experiences a level of withdrawal he never had before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's just say I was really happy about how this was recieved that I started working on the second chapter almost immediately after posting the first. And did an outline. So I know where I'm taking this.

He had been walking down the side of the road for about fifteen minutes, his hands buried in his pockets when he caught sight of Kurapika driving toward him in his silver car.

As the blond slowed down, Killua saw someone in the passenger seat. An old-looking guy who was probably Leorio, the man who'd texted him saying he was Kurapika's boyfriend. If it was, Killua would just need to take that chance to see if he liked him or not. If Killua didn't like him, he wouldn't last very long. It was like being approved by a mother or father or family dog. When the car neared, and Killua was sure the two could see him, he scrunched his nose and furrowed his brows, hoping Kurapika would pick up on his distaste for having his seat stolen. Kurapika pulled up beside him and rolled down his window. Before the blond could say anything, though, Killua spoke.

"Geez, Pika, why'd you have to bring your father?"

The glare he received from Leorio was like a glare received by no other. This glare surpassed any that an annoyed Kurapika could give him, or even a busy Milluki.

"You little punk," Leorio snapped right back, "step on it, Kurapika. Make him walk."

At that moment, the two reached a silent understanding. Killua held out his hand, into the window and in front of Kurapika, his gaze fixed on Leorio. Leorio shook his hand.

"Killua."

"Leorio," each said as he introduced himself before withdrawing. Killua got into the back of the car.

"Well," Kurapika sighed, "good thing you approve." He turned to Leorio for a moment, nodding back to Killua. "My last boyfriend was run out of town by this one because Killua thought he was part of a gang. Wouldn't touch the guy. Didn't want to get the... what was it... 'evil on his hands.'" He glanced behind them then and carefully got back on the road.

"And he didn't really like me either, especially after I got into a fight with his gang. Broke one of their arms too," Killua added cheerfully, propping his arms up on the back of the seat.

"They weren't a gang," Kurapika insisted.

"Yeah, yeah," the teen smirked, his eyes catching the grin on Leorio's reflection. There are a few moments of silence after that. But it wasn't an awkward silence like it was with Hisoka, this was the comfortable silence that Kurapika and Killua always enjoyed, mostly one that came around when Kurapika was reading and Killua was sketching.

That was broken when Kurapika spoke again. "So is anything going on we should know about?"

Killua's eyes met Kurapika's in the mirror. "Oh, well, yeah, I guess," he answered, pursing his lips. "My dad set up this thing with some morning show on Saturday. I'm supposed to go with him. And I'm supposed to be clean. All week."

"I'll give you half off all week if that's the case," the blond said with a slight smile that Killua returned. Which, Killua had slowly figured out since Kurapika had first gotten Kurta Coffee, was one of the pros to having a close friend own his favorite coffee place.

"Do I get a discount?" Leorio leaned over, flashing a toothy grin.

"I'll charge you extra to make up for my losses with that one, of course," was the answer, which earned a sharp laugh from Killua, and a theatrical frown and loud-mouthed complaint from Leorio.

The ride to the apartment continued like that, friendly quips between the three and questions of genuine concern -inquiries after health and mental wellbeing- that would soon sprout more joking.

Senritsu waved at them when they pulled up to the apartments, and the worried look on her face sent a stab of guilt into Killua's chest. He got out of the car first, waving back to Ritsu, and making his way to her, Kurapika and Leorio behind him.

"Hey, Ritsu," Killua greeted her, his guilt seeping into the smile he gave her.

Her eyes were soft and caring when she looked at him, looking for anything that might indicate that something is wrong with him. "Thank you, Kurapika," she said, waving for them to follow her inside.

The three did as she beckoned, Leorio probably because he was happy being so well included into the trio. For a brief moment, Killua was reminded of that one song. 'Gotta get with my friends...'

Then he winced because now that song was going to be stuck in his head for the rest of the day.

Senritsu went into the kitchen, and knowing her as well as he did, Killua grabbed his sketchbook from the coffee table, since they'd probably need it for the food she was going to emerge with.

Kurapika went to the couch, bringing Leorio with him, and Killua tossed the sketchbook on his bed before returning to the two.

"I figure," he said as he walked back into the living room, "you're going to use this week of being clean to get the habit to break. You can't fool me, Kurapika, I saw the idea forming in your eyes ever since I first mentioned the interview."

"Interview?" Senritsu emerged from the kitchen with a tray of crackers and dip.

Killua nodded and explained it to her briefly.

"About that picture, I figure."

Leorio and Kurapika blinked. "Picture," they echoed. Senritsu nodded.

"Killua went out a couple nights ago and didn't get back until early morning. There was a picture taken by someone. It's worse now since Mr. Zoldyck knows about it. No doubt he'll use it as an opportunity to punish Killua."

"The fact that there's an interview is punishment enough," Killua said as he threw himself onto a chair, kicking his feet over the armrest.

Kurapika reached forward, taking a cracker from the dish. "Just take it in stride," he said as he popped it in his mouth, "all you have to do is try to charm your way out of it, live to fight another day."

"You know I don't charm," Killua sighed. "I am the least charming person you will ever meet."

"Oh, I know that," Kurapika said with a smirk. "But people don't really know that about you. Anyone who knows about the Zoldycks thinks you're a troublesome ass who lives to ruin people's lives."

"And I still think that after meeting you," Leorio felt the need to add.

Ignoring him, Kurapika continued. "But you have an opportunity to change that. You know how to make people like you, somewhere in that head of yours. Just act like you do around me or Senritsu."

Killua gave him a wary look. "And what if that doesn't work. What if I slip up? What if I say something wrong and-?"

"Killua."

His words cracked, stumbled, and broke as he turned his eyes back to Kurapika. The blond was looking at him with those intense brown eyes, that in certain lights and at certain moments could look red. This wasn't one of those moments, but from the way he was looking at Killua, it could have easily been.

"You have a whole week to get ready for this. If you want, Leorio, Senritsu, and I will help you. They're going to love you, just like we do."

"You may be a troublesome brat, but you're not too much of a piece of work."

"Yeah, and you're an old man, but you're not too senile."

"I take it back, you're a piece of work."

* * *

He was on his third cup of coffee, and it was only nine in the morning. Kurapika was giving him free refills today, and he couldn't miss the look of pity in his friend's eyes.

Killua tried to focus on the open sketchbook on the table in front of him, but couldn't think past the gnawing pain in at the back of his eyes. So he did the only thing he could do and squeezed them shut.

**Focus, focus, focus.**

His mind was shouting at him, and everything was too loud. He could hear everything conversation, every laugh, every clinking dish. He needed everything, everyone, to _shut up_.

"Hey," a hand rested on his shoulder. Opening his eyes, everything got quieter, and he looked up at Kurapika.

His friend had his hair pulled back in a ponytail, a geometric blue and yellow apron covering him. Of course, everyone wore the same pattern in different colors at Kurta Coffee.

Now that he thought about it, this was where Kurapika met his ex. Killua pursed his lips as the blond sat next to him, snagging the sketchbook that Killua didn't even want to claim was his. Killua wouldn't stop him, and Kurapika knew that, flipping through the pages.

"This isn't the one you use for class, right?" He asked, eyes glancing over the sketches.

"That thing," Killua answered, an accusatory finger pointed at the book, "and I are not on speaking terms."

Raising a brow, Kurapika skipped to one of the most recent drawings. "It doesn't look too bad to me. But I don't get why you're drawing your sister with holes for eyes."

"It's art," he grabbed the book from Kurapika's hands, "I can do what I want." Suspicious blue eyes met amused brown ones. "And shouldn't you be working? Behind the counter. Like a good barista."

Kurapika smirked, leaning back in the seat. "That's the benefit of owning this place, I guess."

Killua scrunched his nose. It was really the only reason he went here as much as he did. Kurapika gave him the 20% family discount, after all.

The two had met in high school when Kurapika was a senior and Killua was a sophomore. The two of them had been in the same art class, which got Kurapika interested in Killua's drawings.

It had been a year since Kurapika inherited the cafe from his grandfather since the old man retired and wanted to leave it to someone responsible. Ironically, whenever Killua saw Kurapika at the cafe, he never actually saw him working.

"Weren't you supposed to be a lawyer?"

Kurapika shrugged. He'd talked about it enough in high school, but as he'd said, and as Kurapika's grandfather had said before him, dreams changed. "I think I prefer this smaller stuff. I don't know anymore how I would do in a big city, or with that kind of hectic life. I wouldn't mind staying at the cafe."

It was then that the door to the cafe flew open, causing a few startled hipsters or writers to jump, and the two looked over to be greeted by the sight of Leorio, a built teen with him.

"Kurapika," he announced with a wave, his long legs heading to their table in the back corner. "You remember what we were talking about a couple nights ago?"

Kurapika regarded him with narrowed eyes while Leorio's friend followed him in. "I didn't think it would be this soon," the blond said, disgruntled, before looking behind him.

"Hi!" Despite his rather grown appearance, Leorio's friend grinned with such a grin Killua couldn't bring himself to look anywhere else.

"So, Kurapika, Killua, I'd like to introduce you to my friend, known him since I was in high school. He was always a bit of a weirdo."

"And now you're the weirdo?" Killua quipped. "I mean, at least he looks his age and not forty."

"Like I said before, Gon. Killua's a brat," Leorio said, turning to the teen beside him.

"Wait, Leorio's not forty?" The teen asked with a teasing tone. Killua smiled and high-fived him.

"Yep. I already like him. You have a good taste in friends, Liorio."

" **Le** orio," he corrected, glaring. "Anyway, you two, this is Gon."

"Cool name," Killua commented, holding out his hand, which Gon shook.

"Killua has a cool name, too!"

The teen in question looked over at Leorio. "How are you friends with this guy, he seems too nice for you." Leorio huffed.

"How are you friends with Kurapika?"

"Touché."

* * *

 

By the time Thursday rolled around, Killua was nearly pulling his hair out. The headaches had gotten worse, and he'd found himself curled into a ball in the shed, pain like daggers pounding into his head.

His hands were shaking, too unsteady to even dream of painting in this condition. And that was really the only way he knew how to deal with it when he got like this.

Thursday. He had one more day to go before the interview, and for that, he had to be presentable. Presentable wasn't cowering on the floor amongst wood shavings in an old shed.

He couldn't help it, though. By this stage of withdrawal, the headaches had faded to make way for aches that encompassed his entire body. His bones creaked, his muscles felt as though they were too weak to support him.

Under normal circumstances, he wouldn't have let himself get this deep into withdrawal; he always got more when he started experiencing the headaches. And this was only two days in- 'after a binge,' his mind supplied. He couldn't imagine how he might be feeling tomorrow, not to mention on Saturday.

He put his forehead to his knees, taking in a trembling breath.

The door creaked menacingly. Near silent footsteps echoed through the shed and pounded like tiny hammers in Killua's head. He shut his eyes tightly. A gentle rustle of clothing scraped against his ears, then everything was silent.

"Lu-nii," was the quiet voice that spoke. Killua opened his eyes and looked over to Kalluto. The seventeen-year-old was sitting cross-legged, wearing one of Illumi's old shirts. "It feels like a funeral."

Killua set his mouth into a line and looked at the floor, chin resting on his knees.

"You're upset because Father is looking out for you." As if he knew Killua wouldn't respond, Kalluto spoke again, determined to carry the conversation himself if the need presented itself. "People won't respect you if they think you're a troublemaker."

"Says the person who almost joined a gang," Killua grumbled through a scratchy throat.

Kalluto replied with a sigh and a shake of the head. "They weren't a gang."

"Too old to be your friends anyway; they were four years older than you."

Silence followed until Kalluto rested his head on Killua's arched back. "You should visit home more. Mother doesn't let me visit you. She doesn't like your apartment." A hand rested on his spine then, in an awkward embrace. "I want my brother back, Lu-nii."

The words struck into Killua's heart. He could physically feel the rapid palpitations that rippled through him. He shut his eyes once again, curling in on himself once again while he felt Kalluto drift away and heard the door to the shed once again.

He was left in his pain. Physical and emotional.

Another breath escaped him before he heard his phone go off across the room, he had no idea why it had been on vibrate, but it was.

He stood on shaking legs and kept a steadying hand on the wall as he moved forward, steps slow, and carefully reaching the other side of the room.

There was a reason he never let it get this far because he never knew what would happen. And now he did, now he lived it... He didn't ever want to go through it again.

He looked at the text and his heart pounded in his ears.

 **Gon:** Heyy Killua do you want to get food with me sometime? Sunday?

He smiled past the pain at Gon's words. He didn't think the teen would text him, really. He didn't expect it. But he was glad. Gon's innocence seemed to radiate from his phone at the text.

So he answered.

'Yeah. Sunday would be great.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Lu-nii" is something I came up with. I kinda like the idea of Kalluto having a pet name for Killua.


	3. On Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Silva drags Killua to the interview on "Bisky."
> 
> Killua really doesn't want to be there.
> 
> They run into one of Silva's enemies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been **waiting** for this chapter.

Killua was woken by a heavy knock on his bedroom door at four a.m, Saturday morning. He groaned, pushing himself up from the embracing mattress, really not wanting to get up. Especially not at four in the _freaking morning_.

He shuffled to the door, opening it slowly and blinking at the person on the other side. "Oh, hey, Gotoh."

The butler gave him a small smile before walking past him into the room, followed by a trail of butlers, with his father bringing up the end of the line.

"What's with the small army, dad?"

The man said nothing, and he wouldn't have had any time to before the butlers began getting Killua ready, one of them pulling his suit out of a clothing bag he hadn't noticed before.

The moment they began tugging at his shirt was the moment Killua had to stop them.

"Okay, okay, okay, okay," he said, hands pushing them away. "I'll change my own clothes, wait for me in the living room."

He shied away from Silva's cold eyes as the man and his army left the room.

And then Killua was alone.

"Fuck," he sighed, rubbing his eyes. He was not awake enough for this right now. Who in their right mind wakes up at four in the morning anyway?

Apparently, his father.

He tugged off his shirt, blinking away the sleep from his eyes. He better get some motherfucking coffee before this interview or else he might fall asleep right then and there.

The teen hadn't worn a suit for a long time, maybe not since his last high school dance. Which he went to with Senritsu. Because both of them wanted to go, and neither could find a date. Back when they were seniors and basically crashed the prom with their horrible dancing.

He prided himself on his ability to stay out of family matters, but here he was, smack in the middle of them. He really needed to brush up on his avoidance skills. Of course, this whole thing was his fault anyway.

He emerged from his room around 4:15, fully dressed in his suit and dark gray tie. His father nodded, eyes glancing over his hair that remained one big mass of white fluff that both knew would never allow itself to be tamed.

With narrowed eyes, Killua asked the questions that had been bothering him. "So why did you wake me up this early anyway? And how the hell did you get into my apartment?"

"You sleep like a log when you're high, I wanted to make sure I could wake you. And I had a key made for your apartment just in case something like this were to happen," was Silva's unsatisfactory answer.

"You had a key made for my apartment," Killua repeated, face in his hand.

"Yes," as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

Maybe not normal for  _normal_ people, but these were the Zoldycks. They were probably the least normal family known to man.

"How long do we have before we have to get to the show?"

Silva glanced at his watch. "We leave soon. The set's on the other side of Padokea, it should take a couple hours to get there."

"Early means I get coffee, right," Killua asked, a yawn following, stretching out his arms and hearing his back pop.

"Early means we both get coffee. No cream or sugar, if I remember," Silva answered with a nod, standing from his seat on the couch. Killua nodded. Despite his love for sweet things, he couldn't stomach them in his coffee. The hot, bitterness always managed to wake him up, and while he was a light sleeper, he was never really a morning person. Coffee made him sociable.

The same went for his father. The man was absolutely antisocial without it.

Of course, this fueled Killua's theory about why he was the heir when Illumi was honestly the better choice.

Sometimes, he just thought Silva had too high of hopes for him.

He followed his father out and into the car that waited outside the apartment. Sometimes he wondered what the neighbors thought of it, whenever his father's cars would come to pick him up for events and the like.

The car pulled away, and Killua leaned back in his seat. He figured that he should be careful, though, or else he would fall asleep in the car and wrinkle his suit.

And his father couldn't risk him being out of sorts on television. That would just ruin the family name.

So Killua leaned his head back, eyes tired and straining while the care drove onto the on-ramp of the freeway.

Shame, he didn't even have any music to make the trip bearable. No one he regularly contacted would be awake right now, all four of them. They would be enjoying the sleep that summer vacation allowed them. And unless Silva woke the entire house on his way out, which was a distinct possibility, he didn't have any family members to talk to either.

He rested his head on his hand, eyes going out to the urban part of the city that rested just beyond and underneath the freeway. Illumi would probably be awake right now, actually, now Killua was thinking about it. That dork, he scrunched his nose.

"Killua," his father's gruff voice drew his attention and he glanced over. Silva was seated in one of the seats against the wall, far from Killua, yet close at the same time, considering they were in the same car.

"Yeah," he acknowledged, the single word clipped and as brief as it could possibly be.

"There are a few things I don't want you to talk about during this interview." He'd seen this coming and had already figured.

"Drugs, right?"

"And Alluka."

He nodded, knowing. He'd figured the drugs since the interview was supposed to clear up that whole issue, and keeping Alluka out of the public eye was no new issue.

One would be right to say that Alluka was the black sheep of the Zoldyck family, so much so, that she even attended her high school under a different name.

And so, they just didn't talk about her. Killua couldn't explain it much further than that.

He nodded anyway, looking back to the cityscape rushing by, building after building, some graffitied, others not. He saw some of the letters on the supports of an off-ramp and found himself wondering how it got up there. If they would use a rope and climb down, maybe?

Before he knew it, the car was turning off of the freeway and into the six a.m. traffic. He'd already spent two hours with his father and had maybe two half-conversations. For someone so involved in his life, he remained rather distant.

He didn't know how much longer they had before their arrival at the studio but figured it wouldn't be long. Granted that he had no idea where in Padokea the studio was.

The car turned down a random side street and gradually slowed, that was how he knew they had ten, twenty minutes tops before they got to the studio.

And he was right, too. It wasn't long before they arrived at the studio where Biscuit Kreuger filmed her show.

Killua was proud to admit that he'd never seen an episode of Ms. Kreuger's show. But he'd heard all about it from Alluka, who was an avid watcher. Intrigue, drama, politics. And beauty tips because, hey, it  _was_ Biscuit Kreuger he was talking about.

The security let them pass with barely more than a glance, probably because of the ungodly hour, even though it was maybe six o' clock now, instead of four. Killua followed his father inside the large, hangar-like building with its tall white metal walls and beams supporting the weight of the ceiling. He'd never done one of these full-blown interviews before, so he generally had no idea what to do or what was going on.

Anyone who didn't know the nature of the Zoldyck family would have compared him to a little duck, following his father around. Anyone who did would have described it as a prisoner being led to the gallows.

"Come to defend your honor?"

Killua noticed the shift in Silva's stance, where once he had been walking with such surety and pride, now there was defense and aggression as the man paused and turned toward the hallway the question had come from.

"Why are you here?" Silva all but growled at the stranger, the man's blue eyes narrowing viciously.

Then, a man emerged from the shadows, one Killua had seen once or twice on the television, a member of congress or something like that. He had spiky hair, like Leorio's, but a rounder face.

"Bisky's an old friend, just visiting her before she has to deal with the barbarians that are the Zoldycks."

"It was you wasn't it," Silva took a step toward the man in the suit, while Killua took a step back from both of them. Every bone in his body was warning him that this wasn't something he wanted to get involved with. "You got your rat to follow my kid."

"You just have to find the trouble child, really. It wasn't hard."

Killua found himself studying the man closely. Those eyes. They looked so familiar. But different.

"Goodbye," Silva turned suddenly, back in the direction they were heading before. "Killua. Come on."

And Killua did, watching the man curiously as he passed him. The man grinned and waved.

Once they were far enough away, Killua got enough guts to ask the question that had been bothering him.

"Who was that?"

The answer was unsatisfactory. It had only made Killua frown, none the wiser.

"Someone I hope you will never meet again."

* * *

 

The crowd cheered as Biscuit Kreuger took the stage. She had her blonde hair up in a messy bun, a dress that was too pink for Killua's liking. 

But he couldn't complain, really. The couch set up for her guests was comfy and he nursed a cup of coffee that he drank from gratefully.

And so the crowd quieted when it became clear Biscuit was going to talk.

"Good morning, everyone! Today on our show we have the new breakout band Lone Wolves playing 'Don't Die 'Till You're Dead,' exciting! But first, we have a very special guest. Mr. Silva Zoldyck, himself, accompanied by his son and heir, Killua. So make sure to give a warm welcome to them! But first, a bit about me..."

That was about when Killua started to tune her out, sipping some more of his coffee. From the corner of his eye, he saw a young man with long black hair hauling an amp backstage.

He figured he must have been a member of the Wolf band.

"And now, the Zoldycks!"

The crowd clapped, while Silva stood, a quick nod that Killua supposed meant that he should do the same, so he stood up, setting his coffee on the convenient table in front of them.

Biscuit joined them and shook their hands before sitting in the single seat, the two of them following after quickly.

"So, Silva. Why did you decide to bring your son along with you?"

'Good question,' Killua thought, taking his coffee back from the table and drinking some. It would be out soon, pity.

"Well, I figured that since he's going to take over the company in my place one day soon, that he becomes comfortable in these types of situations."

'Bull shit.'

"Isn't that smart. What do you think, Killua, about these steps your father is taking to prepare you for your near future," Biscuit asked as she leaned forward, pink eyes settled on Killua.

He leaned back, coffee rested on his knee. "That's another good question," he commented, "and I'm afraid I'm not going to give you the answer you're looking for. You see, I don't even think he should be taking these steps for me. I'm probably the least qualified out of all of us to run the company. I do have a theory that I've been working on about why it is that he chose me to run it."

Biscuit's eyes sparkled with interest. "And what is that theory?"

"I'm only heir because I'm the one who looks the most like dad. Illumi, Milluki, both would be better choices. Both have more experience with the company than I do. But, two reasons their not the heir. Both have black hair and dark eyes, not the Zoldyck traditional white and blue. It would be a travesty, an utter disregard for the rules to make them the heir. Or at least, that's my theory.

"My dad, you know, an only child. Of course, it was going to be him. But to choose the third out of f-four. It's obvious he didn't choose me because I'm the smartest, that would probably be Milluki, or the most ambitious, Illumi, or even the most subordinate, Kalluto. I'm just the awkward third child that doesn't understand why all of these responsibilities are being put on him."

He could feel Silva tensing at his side. 

Good, that'll teach him not to bring Killua to things like this.

"Wow, what do you have to say about this, Silva?"

Killua's father's jaw was set,and the man was obviously considering his words carefully.

"I would have honestly preferred if this topic hadn't been brought up, but now there's no preventing it. I just have to say, out of all of my children, Killua is the one I see most of myself in. It's not just appearance; he acts like me, too. So if it had seemed strange, my choice in him to be heir, it was only because I wanted the company to be stagnant in its ownership. Milluki, as Killua knows, doesn't care much for the company. Illumi has thrown himself into it for as long as he could, but he was always too manipulative, never showing any signs that he would be a good leader. A good businessman, sure, but not a leader."

Biscuit nodded and sat back in her seat. "Now, how about we tackle the subject and question that's on everyone's minds. The picture that was taken last Saturday of him in a club. Killua, would you like to explain it?"

He gave a single nod. "Well, um," he began because quite honestly, he didn't remember that night. He remembered the morning clearly enough, though. A splitting headache can do that. He had been preparing his story all week, a precious little lie that he now felt wouldn't be believable.

"I guess I should start by saying that the things people are saying about it aren't true. I looked it up yesterday, none of them were very nice. There was one thing, a man speculating that I'd probably tried to... hurt people... while I was intoxicated. But that was all just... just gossip anyway..." He had to pause, feeling the discomfort of emotion rising in his chest. "It's like when people come out and say that their kid belongs to Illumi, you know. Kind of unbelievable, he's very faithful to his fiance. Never really looked at anyone before him either.

"So I guess it kind of goes like this. What people are saying happened in that picture, they're probably wrong. I was just having fun. It was a few days before my birthday, I wanted to hang out with people and have fun because nineteen is when all the responsibilities start piling up and people start to expect me to be the heir of Zoldyck Enterprises." He shrugged.

"Do you think you can live up to their expectations?"

Everything was quiet for a few minutes before Killua gave his steady answer.

"No. I don't think I can."

* * *

 

"Killua."

"Hmm?"

"You've been kind of quiet. Is there something on your mind?"

He looked up from his plate and into the hazel eyes watching him. Putting his fork down, he drew his lips into a thin line.

"Sorry, I've had a lot on my mind all week. I guess I'm in shock that it's all over now."

Gon nodded. "Kurapika told me about that. I watched a little bit of it on YouTube, too. I think you did well."

"I did?"

"Yeah, I don't think I'd ever be able to BS an entire interview on live television and make it look completely honest."

Killua laughed. "Hey, hey. I wasn't lying, I was telling the truth. Just maybe not all of it. I was telling the truths that would make everyone happy."

Gon nodded. "Just don't do that with me, yeah? I want to get to know Killua for himself and not who he wants people to think he is."

And Killua concurred. He didn't think he could lie to Gon if he tried. Maybe that was what made him seem so approachable at first. What dragged him off the floor and what made him want to go on this date and look forward to it. Gon was so good. Killua couldn't really care what happened tomorrow anymore. He had that moment, of looking over a basket of bread in the middle of a crowded restaurant that was maybe too noisy into Gon's eyes that held so much warmth and happiness.

Killua found himself smiling again, at the thought, and looking away, cheeks reddening.

Goodness, he didn't even think he had an embarrassing bone in his body, where the hell did that come from?

"Killua."

"Hmm?"

"I was wondering. Would you like to go out again sometime? Maybe to a movie or something?"

His eyes darted back to Gon, who was smiling. He hadn't expected this. Sure, he liked Gon well enough, found him easy to talk to and get along with, but this... He hadn't expected a second date.

"Yeah," he said, albeit a little quickly, so he cleared his throat and straightened his posture, "I would love to. Anytime that's good for you."

When did this start, he found himself wondering while Gon beamed at him from across the table.

When had his life gotten so good?


	4. Make

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was supposed to be a lot of fluff with a little bit of angst but ended up being a lot of angst with a little bit of fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings, I guess? Introspection, really.

Killua couldn't stop checking his phone. His leg was bouncing, his entire body full of nervous energy.

He had another date with Gon tonight. It would be their fourth.

Goddammit, Killua was excited.

He liked Gon, a lot. Maybe more than he should. He learned lots of things that he liked about Gon over these past few months with him. He liked it when Gon smiled, when he laughed, when he caught Gon looking at him and Gon looked away with a slight blush. He liked that best.

Sometimes he'd get the creeping feeling that he didn't deserve Gon, and then Gon would go do something sweet, like he did during their third date, when he took Killua's hand, looked into Killua's eyes, leaned in...

And kissed him on the cheek.

Killua had blushed furiously, trying to stop the grin that was fighting its way onto his lips.

Tonight, though. Tonight, Killua would take the first step. He wanted to. He'd never moved this slowly in a relationship before. If it was okay with Gon, if Gon let him...

He checked his phone again.

He was already dressed and showered, had been for hours, and he was sitting on the couch, shaking in excitement and waiting for Gon to text him that he was there. He clenched and unclenched his hands as his heart raced.

Senritsu looked up from the sheet that she'd been working on, writing music as she was ought to do, and smiled at him.

"Killua, it's only 5:30. You agreed he'd be here in thirty minutes."

Killua stood. "I can't wait! I can't, I can't. I'm just-"

"I know, you're excited. It's good to see you like this Killua, cute even. I've never seen you like this before."

"I'm not cute, don't call me cute. Sheesh."

He smiled a little at Senritsu, who went back to writing her music. There was an unspoken "oh quiet you, you're adorable," hanging in the air as Killua threw himself down on the couch.

Killua Zoldyck was a very impatient man. That was something Gon already knew, as he was sure he'd displayed it in the past, and he was sure he'd get the full brunt of it when he arrived- Killua glanced at the clock- in thirteen minutes.

He had to wait for thirteen more motherfucking minutes.

So he closed his eyes and laid dormant on the couch until the gentle knock on the door rang through the house.

He sat up, blinking as his vision grayed for a few moments before launching himself off of the couch and to the door. He froze at the door.

Gon shouldn't see him look this eager, it could scare him away. Killua shut his eyes and took a few deep breaths, running a hand through his hair and straightening out his clothes. And then he grabbed the door knob.

He couldn't believe himself, he couldn't believe he was actually nervous. His eyes flickered to the door and he willed himself to open it.

"If you can't, I will," he heard Senritsu quip from her chair. Honestly.

He twisted the door knob and smiled at the teen awaiting on the other side.

Sweet mother of fuck, Gon looked nice in a hoodie. Killua stopped himself before his eyes slipped down Gon's entire body. Gon simply smiled at him. Of course, every smile Gon ever smiled was like a million suns congregating in the sky and threatening to melt Killua and-

Fuck. Why was he so embarrassing?

Gon held out his hand, and Killua took it.

* * *

 

They were walking by a river, hand in hand. Killua couldn't believe it, at all. He couldn't believe any of this.

He didn't deserve Gon, that was all he could think. He didn't deserve any of this, yet here he was.

Gon stopped, eyes fixed on the light's reflection in the water. Killua couldn't blame him. The city lights reflecting on the water were beautiful, ripples of white and yellow and blue. Gon's fingers tightened around his, and he felt the heat raise into his cheeks once again.

"Killua," Gon said, he sounded as though he was thinking, and thinking hard about something. Killua glanced over and found Gon looking at him once more. Those focused, determined hazel eyes were locked onto him, and Killua found he couldn't move, a deer in headlights.

He couldn't say anything, not when Gon was being so intense.

"Would it be okay," Gon took a step forward, and Killua's heart began racing, "if I kissed you?"

He froze, couldn't hear a thing. Apparently the two of them had similar thoughts about this date.

"Yeah," he nodded, "yeah, you can."

Gon smiled and got closer. Killua couldn't breath.

 And then he did.

Gon's hand had traveled to his lower back while the other took refuge on the back of his neck.

In Killua's opinion, the kiss didn't last long enough. He'd had a taste, and he wanted more.

He wanted to feel Gon's lips again; he didn't care where, whether it was on his cheeks, his lips. He just wanted to feel them.

So he leaned forward and claimed Gon's mouth.

First, he would notice Gon's scent, he would notice Gon's taste, the way he felt. The way those arms wrapped around him and kept him close.

Sweet mercy, Gon was intoxicating.

He pulled away from Gon, once again. 

They were taking it slowly, he remembered, and while he couldn't stand it, he felt that it worked for them.

He knew some things about Gon. Mostly about his childhood on Whale Island, and how his aunt had moved them when he was going into high school.

Gon knew things about him. About his own childhood, and his siblings. About Alluka, despite his father's want to keep her a secret. About his paintings and the old shed.

Gon smiled at him, taking his hand again.

"Do you want to go get something to eat?"

"We just came from dinner, Gon," he smiled and glanced at Gon as the teen began moving, pulling Killua along with him, down the path by the river.

"Yeah, but... I don't want you to go, yet, Killua."

Killua smiled, a slight blush forming. "S-stupid. We don't need to be eating if you want me to stay. W-we could... Keep walking."

"Killua's so cute when he blushes."

He felt the blush intensify. "D-don't say things like that. It's embarrassing."

That comment didn't dissuade Gon, though. Gon beamed and pulled Killua close.

"Killua's sweet too, like candy. And his lips are really soft."

Killua couldn't control his blush anymore, he was sure that by now, his entire face was red. Gon hummed and tucked a white lock behind Killua's ear.

"Very cute."

He led them to a bench overlooking the river then, sitting down with Killua beside him, and their hands interwoven.

"Killua?"

Killua looked over at him, noticing how the amber eyes sang a different tune now.

"Yeah?"

Gon seemed hesitant, and Killua tried to reassure him by squeezing his hand.

"What were you really doing in that picture," Gon looked at him now, as he asked the question. Killua looked away, guilty because he really couldn't remember, sorry because he couldn't give Gon the one hundred percent accurate answer he wanted.

"Something stupid, probably."

* * *

 

He needed a distraction, something that swept away this pervasive heat he felt throughout his body. His fingers threaded through his hair as he curled up on the floor of his room.

He shouldn't. He really shouldn't.

The problem was that he knew where the pills were, he knew where he'd put them. But he never thought that he'd actually ever feel like he would need them to help him cope with a change.

Gon was a big change. The way he'd swept into Killua's life and thrown everything upside down. Had made him feel like for once in his life he could actually have something good...

Killua reached under his bed and pulled out a small black shoebox, something from something Senritsu had bought because they matched her favorite hat? Really, she only bought them because Alluka pressured her into it.

And he opened the box, a small plastic bag sat on the inside, in it a few little white pills, each individually marked with D.

He took out the bag and opened it, pulling one of the chalky white pills out. It had been a while since he'd last taken one. He'd gone through the more intense symptoms of withdrawal already. If he took another, it wouldn't hurt.

It was a split second decision of whether or not he wanted to take it.

But Senritsu... He looked over to the door, pushing himself off the ground and heading to the door, closing it, and locking it, before backing away and sitting back on the ground. He opened his hand, looking again at the little white pill.

Senritsu wouldn't find out, he could seriously lay down, go on a trip, and feel better.

But he already felt great. He felt amazing. Gon made him feel amazing, and he couldn't understand any of it. Any of these feelings, really.

Killua sat on his bed, before closing his eyes.

It was a bad idea, he knew that. Senritsu wouldn't forgive him if she found out. Kurapika would probably rip out his intestines and hang him with them. Leorio... he didn't really care what Leorio thought, but he'd probably be angry and worried...

And Gon? Killua didn't want to think about what Gon would think if he found out about the drugs. Maybe he already knew. Maybe Kurapika and Leorio had already told him, but if that was so then why?

'Why is he still around?'

'Why does he stay with me?'

'Why does he confuse me?'

'Why does he care?'

Killua drew his knees up to his chest, resting his head on them and held the pill at a distance.

He could take it, but would it help him figure out everything? Would it help him cope with the change? Did it ever really help him? 

All it did for him was give him a big black spot in his memory that he couldn't remember no matter how hard he tried. All it did was leave him with bruises and scratches. And one day, he knew it could leave him with worse...

_"You're flirty when you're high."_

He crushed the little white pill in his hand, only Gon on his mind and blew the dust off of his hand and watched it float like dust through the air...

He wanted to change. God dammit, he wanted to change...

And then...

And then his heart froze.

His blue eyes widened, and his breathing shallowed.

There had been so much thought he'd put into it, and now... he was doubting himself. Doubting his decision.

He shouldn't have crushed it. He should have taken it.

He needed it.

Killua scrambled forward, nearly throwing himself off of his bed and reached toward the plastic bag. He had plenty more. Maybe six or so in this batch, he could go get more from Rammot when he ran out, he could-

'I shouldn't.'

'But what am I without it? I'm just some spoiled trust fund kid who's a plague to society.'

'Maybe with the drugs, but without them. You have Kurapika, Senritsu, Leorio. Gon's never seen you high, you don't need to be...'

'Then that's what I am. I'm just a spoiled kid.'

He fished a pill out of the bag and slipped it into his mouth.

* * *

 

There was a pounding knock at the door when he woke up. His brow immediately furrowed. It couldn't be Senritsu. Senritsu never banged on his door, not like this. Senritsu was always so gentle, even when she was mad at him.

Killua pushed himself up off the floor and glared at the door. His head was starting to hurt, but he expected that.

"Killua! You better open this door! Before.... Before... Before Kurapika breaks it down!"

Leorio?

He stood and unlocked that door as another barrage of knocks threatened to splinter the wood.

After the knocks subsided once again, Killua opened the door, looking up at an angry Leorio and behind him, a straight-faced Kurapika. He couldn't decide which one was worse.

"You have a lot of explaining to do," Leorio said this with a frown, stepping back from the door. Killua nodded and waved the concern away with his hand as he walked past.

"I know, I know," he mumbled, nursing his head with a hand and walking into the living area of the apartment.

He didn't raise his eyes, they were barely open anyway, as he sat down.

"Killua."

His heart cracked at the sound of that gentle voice, so full of concern. Concern for him... And he didn't deserve any of it.

"What's going on? Leorio called me in a panic, told me to get down here, that Senritsu was worried about you. What happened?"

He took in a shaky breath. "Well. It, uh, started when I turned seventeen," he felt a hand on his shoulder, and ducked his head. He couldn't look up, he couldn't look up. "I was in the city, didn't know where the hell I was. I was a stupid rich kid with money in my pocket, and I hear this noise... down an alley... so I go look, to make sure nothing was happening. I-I was stupid. I was so stupid."

"Killua, you don't have to-"

"Kurapika and Leorio don't know what happened, I mean. Kurapika met me before I was all messed up, and still bright eyed. Gon, I... I want you to know. I want you to know what you have to deal with." Killua took another deep breath before continuing his story.

"I saw this guy down the alley, red leather jacket, tattoos on his face, the kind of guy you'd introduce your parents to. He was doing a deal, and I saw him. And he saw me. He didn't get mad or anything, he just waved me over. Said, 'hey, kid. Want to see something cool?' And he gave me the first one. For free, and I... I looked at it. Little white thing. Smelt it, thought maybe it was a mint or something. I was stupid, I was so stupid. I took it right then and there. That's when everything in my life collapsed."

He buried his head in his hands.

"It's okay," Gon said softly, his hands moving to Killua's waist, leaning forward and kissing him on the nose and resting their foreheads together. "Killua, I'm right here. I'll help you in any way that I can."

And Killua felt stupid for it, but he believed him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I encourage comments, tell me what you think, how I could improve, if I'm doing well, what you think about the chapters, characterization, or the story so far! ^-^


	5. My Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua sketches Gon into his painting.  
> They attend dinner with the Zoldycks and Gon meets Hisoka and Illumi, who proceed to give him the talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Easter, everyone! ^-^  
> You all should get rewards for dealing with my sorry excuse for humor.

"I want to do something fun."

Killua looked up from his sketch book, where he was drawing something, he wasn't sure what yet, and at Gon.

"Yeah? Like what?"

Gon seemed to consider this for a while, and Killua looked back to his drawing. Which looked like Gon, and how Gon looked right now. With that glint in his eyes.

He startled a little before closing the notebook and meeting Gon's gaze again.

Light... his eyes were full of it. He had no idea why he hadn't thought of it before...

Killua's eyes sparked with an idea.

He stood up quickly, a smile on his face, and stepped back to get a good look at Gon, a picture forming in his mind as he did so.

"What is it, Killua?" Gon blinked to focus. "Do I have something on my face?"

"Can I paint you?"

Gon smiled, standing from the couch, the light seeming to spill out of him, filling the room.

"You want to paint me? That would be so cool!"

Killua was enraptured. He was... Gon was the embodiment of light. His. His own. Killua looked away, blushing slightly, nodding to the door.

"Come on, you dork. We have to get to my supplies before I start painting." As he walked to the door, Gon following, Killua felt the first flashes of pain in his head and his leg.

'God,' he thought in exasperation, 'if I don't die of a drug overdose, I'll die of a coffee or asprin overdose, I tell you.' He winced a little, wondering if it was, indeed, possible to die from overdosing on coffee.

* * *

 

They pulled up to the manor gates in Gon's car, his hand somehow migrated to Gon's, holding it. Killua liked how Gon didn't really mind, and held his back, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles gently every now and then in a motion that made his heart race and his face heat.

The gates opened slowly, and Gon pulled forward.

"This is a lot for just a house. You grew up here?" Gon was leaning forward, looking at the surroundings.

"Yeah, well, I wasn't kidding when I called myself a stupid rich kid," he shrugged, tightening his grip on Gon's hand. "My parents only like the best."

He turned away, gaze turned out the window, and for a sneaking moment, he could see Gon look at him in the reflection.

He looked up when Gon started to brake, confused, until he saw one of the butlers standing in front of the car.

He glared, not just any butler.

She bowed and went to the driver's side window, as Gon rolled it down.

"Hi!" Gon waved, all bright sunny smiles.

"Is there a problem, officer?" Killua leaned over from the passenger seat, momentarily releasing Gon's hand. The butler, Tsubone, simply smiled.

"I'll take your car the rest of the way to the garage," she said, "and we hope that you stay for dinner. Your sister's request." Her eyes gleamed with the last sentence, peering at Killua, who sighed and laid his head against Gon's arm.

He couldn't say no to Alluka, and Tsubone knew that.

And even though Alluka was a secret, saying sister's request was perfectly fine, most people thought Kalluto was a girl, and were pretty surprised when they learned otherwise. Especially when they heard that he was seventeen.

"You okay with that, Gon? Meeting the folks and all?"

"Yeah," he nodded, "I'd love to meet your sister; she sounds awesome."

Killua could feel Tsubone's gaze like daggers shooting into him as he raised his head and looked her in the eye. "We'll be at dinner, tell Alluka. But for now, we'll be in the shed."

He turned away then, unbuckling himself and hopping out the passenger side. "Come on, Gon," he beckoned. "It's in walking distance."

* * *

 

Gon's eyes were wide amber disks, taking in the forest around them. "This is amazing!" Killua nodded, patting a tree as they passed it.

"Yeah, great grandpa probably would've gone crazy if he hadn't had the trees to come out to. He used to use the shed as a workshop, he'd carve things out of wood with a little knife. When I took over it, I had to sweep out all the leftover shavings. Maha isn't the neatest person you'll meet, and sometimes he goes in there to carve while I paint. We don't really talk much, though. Too busy concentrating." He scrunched his nose as he stepped over a trunk.

"Your great grandfather still lives here?"

Killua looked back and saw the look on Gon's face, eyebrows raised, smiling, eyes always so wide.

"Well, yeah. There's four generations of us under one roof, imagine how easy history essays were."

"My aunt Mito and I live with my great grandmother. She's really nice, you would like her, Killua. She'd like you too."

Killua couldn't stop the smile. "I'm sure. Old people are affable; they like everyone."

"Mito, too. She'd like you."

He shook his head, stifling the rising laugh. In Killua's eyes, it took a miracle for anyone to actually like him. Kurapika and Senritsu were just strokes of luck. Leorio was a complete accident. Gon was the lottery.

He led Gon through the trees to the small wooden shed.

He let himself in and held the door open for Gon. There were a few fresh wood shavings, but his great grandfather was nowhere to be seen.

"That old bastard," Killua grumbled as he grabbed the broom from the corner. "If he's going to work in here, he's gotta learn how to clean." He swept the shavings away from the corner, feeling not animosity but fondness for Maha.

"These are really good, Killua."

He paused his sweeping and glanced back, where Gon was kneeling and looking at one of the finished pieces, eyes wide. It was a kind of old one he'd painted of Kalluto and Zeno. Kalluto was maybe fourteen when he did it, and he was dressed in traditional Azian clothing, a fan in his hand with a cloud of paper scraps swirling above him. Beside him, Zeno was dressed similarly, posed to strike with a flaming dragon behind the two of them, facing to the right of the canvas. Killua had a lot of fun with that one, and Zeno had gave it a thumbs up, had even nearly bought it from him before Killua's father had stepped in to prevent the old man from giving him a wad of hundreds.

Gon looked back at Killua. "Do you have an idea for mine?" He nodded to the canvas on the easel in the middle of the room.

"It was this thing I've been wanting to paint for a while now, I just, didn't know what the subject would be and then I met you and you fit it so well..."

Gon stepped up to it. "So, what will it be?"

Killua's eyes brightened as he stepped forward and looked at it. "The embodiment of light." Beside him, Gon smiled.

"Why didn't you paint yourself into it then, Killua?"

In response, Killua blushed, sputtered, and let out a creative line of curses, all the while turning away from Gon, collecting his paints and directing Gon in front of him, where the models always stood.

"There," Killua said abruptly, interrupting his own swears. "Now, um. Turn around, back facing me, a little more to the right, so you're in the light. Look over your shoulder, at me, left. No, Gon. It's both of our lefts. Okay. Okay."

He held his hands out, making a rectangle with his fingers and peering through it at Gon, stepping back a ways and squinting.

Gon was smiling, looking straight at him, turned a little, but with the sun hitting him just like that...

"Holy shit," Killua whispered, amazed at how lucky he was to be painting this... this god.

"Am I good where I am, Killua?"

He blinked a few times, nodding. "Yeah, yeah, you're good." Of course he was good. He looked amazing. Killua marveled at how lucky he was in general. How did Gon, of all people, end up with him?

He walked up to the canvas and looked over at Gon, who's eyes were glistening, Killua couldn't tell what it was that he held in them though.

He picked up his pencil and began sketching Gon into the center, right where the opening was.

* * *

 

They took a break just before six, Gon having to pull Killua away from the canvas because of how entranced he was. The sketching had, thankfully, been finished, and Killua had been touching it up.

"Killua, it's time for dinner," Gon said as he led Killua away, a hand on each of his shoulders.

"But. The art. I'm arting. I have to keep-" In vain, Killua reached back to the easel. Gon shushed him softly, shaking his head.

"Food is also important, yeah? Yummy yummy food."

Killua sighed, leaning a little into Gon's chest. "Fine." He pouted for a moment. "What if I'm not hungry?"

His stomach was quick to betray him, growling out its need. Killua groaned as Gon laughed.

"This traitorous bastard, I swear."

Gon led Killua onto the path that led up to the house and toward the promise of food.

* * *

 

"Big brother!"

The moment they crossed the threshold into the dining room of the Zoldyck manor, Killua was glomped, causing him to fall back into Gon, who braced for the three of them. Alluka squeezed Killua's torso, pressing her face into his chest. His hands threaded through the long black hair.

"You came to dinner! I told Tsubone, I told her. If it was you, tell you to come up and here you are! Big brother, I'm so happy," Alluka said into his chest, before stepping back.

Killua raised a brow immediately. "You're wearing makeup; why are you wearing makeup?" He looked up and around at the other people in the room. Kalluto was sitting at the table beside their mother, Illumi was further down the line next to Hisoka. Zeno and Maha seemed to be in debate about something, but Killua couldn't hear at all what it was about. Silva was also at the table, at the head, scowling at his glass.

"There's a party later that dad's letting me go to."

Killua turned his gaze back to Alluka, where she was looking at him proudly, before he nodded. "Just be careful, okay. Be like Kurapika."

Alluka rolled her eyes at that and turned to the table. As she walked away, Killua nodded to Gon, and they went to the table.

When they sat, Hisoka and Illumi paused in their conversation, looking across the table to where they were. The two smiled, and Killua got a creeping feeling in his chest.

"Nice to see you again, Killua," Hisoka said happily with a slight wave, and earned a glare from Killua.

"Shouldn't you be hiding under beds and frightening children?"

Hisoka raised his brows and pressed a hand to his chest, his look one of feigned hurt. Killua nodded to him, turning to Gon.

"The creep with the red hair is Hisoka," he said. "Beside him is my brother." He pursed his lips. "They're okay, I guess."

"You wound me." Hisoka pouted at him.

"And no doubt you're the one that's been keeping my dear brother so busy he doesn't even have time to come over or talk any more," Illumi regarded Gon with a raised brow.

"Oh, I didn't mean to do anything like that, we've just been spending a lot of time together. And it's really fun too. Because I really like Killua."

Killua fought back the blush that threatened to creep at those words.

Hisoka and Illumi exchanged a look, and his fondness (embarrassment? What could he call that feeling that Gon made rise up inside of him?) was quickly exchanged with dread.

The two, with icy yellow and dark brown eyes, examined Gon.

"So," Illumi said slowly as the butlers brought out the first course. "What are your intentions with my brother?"

"I-intentions?" Gon stammered, as Killua pressed the heel of his hand into his forehead.

'Of course this is happening,' he mentally sighed.

"Yes. Surely you know of the rumors about him floating around the public sphere, also of how he stands to inherit the company. So, what do you want with him?"

"I don't understand your question. I..." Gon paused, looking at his plate for a moment before looking back to Hisoka and Illumi. "I don't care about the inheritance, it's honestly not even something that comes to mind when I think of Killua. I don't care about the rumors, either. I just care about Killua. I want to make Killua happy."

Hisoka hummed. "But how do we know you're telling the truth?"

"Why would I not tell the truth? Killua is my best friend, boyfriend, too. I want him to be happy." He reached over and took Killua's hand. Killua couldn't fight the blush anymore, his face thoroughly red.

"How about we eat." He managed to get out, turning his attention to his plate, rather than Gon or Illumi or Hisoka.

There was a bang as the doors to the dining room opened.

"You started dinner without me?"

As it was, they'd all sort of forgotten that Milluki existed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading this! It makes me really happy because I seriously sit around and fangirl about this when I'm not writing it.  
> Any questions or if you just want to squeal, please. Refer to the box below and fangirl with me omg


	6. A New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua and Gon have a conversation that leads to them being dorks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter I've been anticipating, haha.
> 
> This chapter makes it E, so yeah.
> 
> But yeah, these two are awkward teenagers, but it was super fun to write and I couldn't get enough once the ball got rolling.
> 
> Sadly, the ball got rolling in public... -_-'

It was night.

The moon was waxing, or waning. Killua forgot which one meant which sometimes, he wasn't an astrology major after all.

And it was quiet, despite Gon's presence at his feet, his fingers rolling the bottoms of his pants, and tugging at them. He was reading, but got bored, and looked off into the distance, which happened to be the window by the door. The shades were open. He could see the sky.

He probably would have preferred it if he could have seen the stars as well, but he always kind of gave up on that wish. Padokea wasn't a city he could look at stars in, it was too bright, too big.

He jumped a little, tingles running up his leg when he felt Gon's finger lightly trail up his foot, making his knees feel weakened. He turned his attention to Gon, who was smiling at him. 

"Did that feel good?"

Killua felt his face heat up, his heart already beating quickly from that look in Gon's eyes. He looked away, muttering a quiet "idiot."

There was some silence as Gon continued to trace the lines on Killua's foot before Killua spoke.

"Can I ask you something? About what you said at dinner?"

"Is something wrong, Killua?"

"No, no, I just... I guess I'm a little... shocked. I didn't really know what to think when you, well, when you said that you really like me. And that you want me to be happy." He sat up, still not looking at Gon. Gon got up too, moving Killua's legs from his lap and shifting closer, moving his hand to Killua's jaw.

"Killua. I don't just really like you, you know. I was just saying that in front of Illumi. Illumi's kind of scary. So was Hisoka. But I was waiting for a good time, and that wasn't it, so I didn't say it." Gon leaned closer, his lips hovering just beyond Killua's, his hand shifting from the jaw to the back of the neck, his fingers entangling with Killua's hair.

"Say what?" Killua whispered, eyes closing. His heart had somehow managed to climb from his chest to his throat.

"I love you, Killua."

And then he couldn't breathe. He could only hear his heart beat in his throat, his eyes locked with Gon's.

He didn't know if he could say it back. Maybe that was what this strange feeling was inside of him. He couldn't ask Gon how he knew without making it sound like he was rejecting him, and Killua couldn't lie to Gon- Gon knew when he was lying. So he smiled, closed his eyes, and pressed his lips to Gon's.

Maybe love was what he was feeling anyway. He'd never felt it, never the romantic kind. He knew he loved Alluka, Kalluto, and Illumi, but Gon... Was that what being in love felt like? That his life would have been completely empty without Gon. That he'd be God knew where if he'd never met him.

He felt Gon's lips move against his amd he decided to make the next move, slipping his tongue into Gon's mouth. He heard a brief sound of surprise, but in the end Gon didn't seem to mind, just pulled him closer. And they kissed and it was magnificent.

Killua pulled away for a moment, eyes fluttering open and meeting Gon's. "Yeah. I love you too."

The smile that lit up Gon's face at those words warmed his chest, making him feel as though he were thawing, melting.

He pressed forward again, his fingers catching onto Gon's top and pulling him closer, taking his lips again in a kiss.

Being here with Gon made him feel anxious, nervous. He'd never really been in a relationship before, he'd never cared about someone in this way. His heart fluttered, his chest warmed, and he pulled Gon to him. Closer, closer.

He worked Gon's mouth open, feeling Gon's hands rest on his hip, and he pulled some more, laying the both of them back on the couch, Gon on top of him. He kissed Gon, and Gon kissed him back.

He pulled back again, looking into Gon's eyes, those amber eyes dancing.

"Gon... I..."

But he didn't say anymore, as Gon had moved forward again, kissing him, his hand trailing up from his hip, moving under his shirt and making Killua's breath catch as Gon took control. The dark-haired boy pulled away for a moment, looking at Killua, letting his eyes roam over the body beneath him.

"Killua. Is this okay?" He asked. "Can I... Can I touch you?"

Killua smiled, and pushed himself up, his lips hovering close to Gon's once more, his hand going flat on Gon's chest.

His throat felt tight, and he didn't trust himself to talk. Instead, he smiled, taking Gon's hand, the one that had slid up his side and rested on his ribs. He leaned his forehead against Gon's.

"Yeah," he nodded. However fast or however slow Gon wanted to go, Killua was happy enough just being near him, being close to him. 

Gon worked off his tee shirt, pulling it over his puff of white hair; those intense and determined eyes took in the moon-like skin laid out beneath them, mapping the contours and ridges.

"Hey, Killua." Gon began, his eyes rising to meet Killua's, locking with them as he leaned down, body arching over Killua's. "You're really beautiful, you know that?" Gon pressed a kiss to his chest then. "So perfect."

Killua frowned at him and looked away. "Idiot. You know I'm not."

Gon hummed, kissing Killua's ribs now, his hands on each side, holding him still despite how much he wanted to squirm.

"I think you're perfect. You're not just beautiful, Killua. You're smart. Brilliant. You're smarter than Kurapika. And you're talented, too. Your art is amazing, and I'm honored to be the subject of one of your paintings." He kissed him again. "You know how it's supposed to be the embodiment of light? I wasn't lying when I said it should have been you. To me, you're as magnificent as light. You keep it. You're my light, Killua."

Killua felt his face burn and pulled Gon up, capturing his mouth once more. "Sh-shut up..." he protested. "Shut up and kiss me, you idiot."

Gon grinned and did just that.

His tanned fingers slipped into the waistband of Killua's pants, the brush of skin against skin causing a shock to tingle up Killua's spine.

The white haired teen broke the kiss, gasping. "Christ," he breathed out. Gon's eyes sparkled.

"Did that feel good?" He asked, the question tinged with a darker tone, an echo of the question he'd asked before so innocently.

"Y-yeah. That felt amazing."

Gon straddled his waist and opened the button of his jeans. Killua sat up, his fingers touching Gon's wrist, the blue eyes alight.

"Gon. Are... are you sure?"

The young adult nodded, determined, and it only served to remind Killua that Gon was actually older than him, his birthday only a few months before Killua's.

His hand traced up to Gon's jaw and he pulled him back down, kissing him.

Killua had never been intimate with someone before. He'd had sex, sure. Lots of sex. But those times didn't count. He'd either been high off his ass or it hadn't mattered to him. But Gon... He cared about Gon. He didn't want to rush things with him.

But Gon seemed to have a different idea though, but Killua didn't mind. Killua had decided, from the feelings enticed in his body and the way his heart raced. He had undeniably fallen for Gon.

Gon shimmied his pants down his waist, and Killua lifted himself up off the couch.

He pulled away for a brief moment.

"Maybe we shouldn't do this here..." he said. "I mean. If we fall asleep... Senritsu could see us... The window's wide open..."

Gon looked over to the window, the moon's light filling the room.

"Ah, yeah. Good idea. Didn't think that far ahead..." Gon got off of Killua and stood, reaching his hand out.

Before taking it, he pulled up his pants, since there was no way in hell he'd hobble down the hall a quarter dressed and tripping on jeans that had fallen to his knees.

He took Gon's hand and pulled him to his bedroom, just down the hall, it's green door surprisingly still working after the pounding it had taken from Leorio.

Killua sat on his bed, still holding Gon's hand.

"You still want this, yeah?"

'You still want me?'

Gon grinned and kissed his hand sweetly. "Only if you do."

Killua's heart swelled. What did he do to deserve this?

He tugged Gon into a hard kiss, his mouth opening and his teeth nipping at Gon's bottom lip.

But even though he had been determined to take the dominance, Gon had taken it back, and Killua had gladly given it. With a hand resting on Killua's lower back, arching their bodies together, and the other on Killua's thigh, he pulled back, feeling Killua's hands slip underneath his shirt.

"You're still wearing yours." Killua explained. "It's not fair." Gon smiled at the comment and shed his own shirt.

He started to lean down again, but Killua held him still, hands on Gon's shoulders, eyes taking in the view, just as Gon had done.

Killua leaned up with a smirk after a moment, kissing Gon again, while Gon's hands worked at tugging down his pants. He picked himself off the bed, and they were soon off.

"So pretty," Gon whispered, slipping down and kissing Killua's hips. Killua let a near-silent moan slip from his lips.

"Yours too." He said, scratching at Gon's jeans with a toe. Gon answered with a laugh, and quickly shed his own, settling his hand on Killua's hip.

Gon hummed leaning in and nuzzling into Killua's hair. "You're nice, Killua."

Killua scoffed, entwining their hands. "Not nice. I just pretend to be nice, so that when I'm mean you're surprised and can't get rid of me."

Gon laughed and buried his face into Killua's neck.

"You're not mean to me."

"I am; you just don't notice, stupid."

Killua startled when he felt Gon's hand move lower, touching his ass.

"G-Gon!"

The teen in question shot him a mischievous smile.

"You're not nervous, right? I won't do anything if you are." Those eyes were fixed on him again, and Killua nodded.

"Of course I'm not. I just don't want to push you."

Gon nodded and started to kiss his throat.

"I'm a little nervous," he said against Killua's throat. "But I feel like I'm ready. And I want this. With you." Gon shifted closer. "It can only be Killua."

Killua ran his hand through Gon's hair. "Okay. We can take it slow. Don't worry."

Gon moved again, leaning away from Killua and lifting off of him, hooking his thumbs into the waistband of his boxers, nodding to himself, before smiling at Killua and undressing him completely. Gon took off his own shortly.

Killua pulled Gon back to him, kissing him as he put his legs around Gon's waist.

"Killua," he whispered into the teen's ear.

"Whatever you're comfortable with, okay?" Killua answered, threading his fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck.

"I want to be in you."

Killua took in a quick breath. "Let me..."

He twisted and reached for his end table, grabbing lubricant and condoms from the drawer.

 Gon nodded, taking them from Killua. 

"You ready?"

"Not backing out."

Killua studied Gon for a moment.

"I can do it, if you'd like."

For a moment, Gon seemed to consider it before shaking his head. He covered his cock and finger with a gratified amount of lubricant before reaching down and pressing at Killua's entrance.

Then he pressed his finger in. Killua gasped at the pressure, his eyes squeezing shut.

"Yeah?" Gon looked up, checking on Killua.

"Y-yeah. K-keep going, y-you idiot."

"Killua," his voice was teasing.

"Sh-shut up."

Gon pressed it further in, up to the knuckle, causing Killua to arch and mewl at the stimulation.

Gon touched him again, moving forward and over him, placing kisses on his chest and throat while arching the finger inside of Killua.

"H-holy sh-shit!"

"Was that okay?"

"Oh my fucking... Do that again!"

Gon pressed further in once more, pressing against Killua's nerves and making his logical mind malfunction once more, before adding another finger.

Killua arched into Gon, wrapping an arm around him. "I'm r-ready if you a-are." He managed. Gon kissed his throat once more, nodding.

Killua hitched his legs around Gon's waist once more while Gon positioned himself before pressing his cock at Killua's entrance, causing the other to moan.

"D-do it."

Gon nodded again and thrust in, slowly, allowing Killua's body time to get used to him. Killua gasped, his hands searching for purchase on Gon's shoulders.

Gon kissed him again, his arms going around him, the taste so utterly familiar but still new.

Killua took Gon's hair in his hands and pushed Gon further in.

"K-Killua," he breathed out.

"J-just move. P-please."

And Gon did, thrusting in and out of Killua in a motion that utterly drowned him. A brief moan escaped his lips, and he could feel Gon's fingers tightening, his blunt nails scratching at Killua's back.

"K-Killua." Gon's voice was low, his eyes closed.

The white haired teen took Gon's face in his hands and kissed him again, taking his bottom lip between his teeth, and grinding his hips closer.

Gon reached down soon after that, taking Killua's cock into his hand, their mouths muffling the resulting moan, and began stroking it, twisting and squeezing as Killua slowly lost his ability to say words.

"Killua."

Killua squeezed his eyes shut, thrusting into Gon's hand as Gon thrust into him.

They were teetering on the edge, and it didn't take very long until they both came, each other's names on their lips.

* * *

 

Killua awoke slowly, a knock at the door, warmth radiating throughout his body, a heavy weight across his chest. He glanced over, seeing a peacefully sleeping Gon, cuddling against him.

It was so comfortable, Killua didn't want to get up. He looked to the door then.

"Yeah?" He said, loud enough to be heard, quiet enough not to wake Gon.

"I was wondering if you or Gon wanted eggs, I'm making breakfast," Senritsu's voice floated in through the door. Killua laughed a little.

"I'll take some, one sec. I'll ask Gon."

He nudged Gon, who gave a sleepy groan.

"Gon."

He got an answering groan.

"Senritsu's making eggs, you want some?"

Gon smiled, pressing his face into Killua and nodded.

"Yes, for both of us."

"I'll give you some time to wake up, then."

Killua looked down at the sleeping armful of Gon he had. "Hey." He spoke softly, running a hand through Gon's hair, the legendary bedhead that it was.

"Good morning, Killua," Gon said into his side.

With a small smile, Killua leaned down and pressed a kiss on his head.


	7. Color

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua gets the talk from Leopika.
> 
> Mito makes an appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, sorry. v-v

The eggs were sunny-side up and staring at him.

At least that's how it felt.

"Your shirt's still in the living room." Senritsu said, off-handedly, but it was enough to make him blush heavily.

"I've got it." Gon took off from the dining room/kitchen. Sometimes, when he was trying to be funny, Killua called it a ditchen. Not even a sympathy laugh came of that.

Gon was wearing one of Killua's old shirts, that he'd gotten from Milluki, because all of the others were too tight around his shoulders. There was a reference on the shirt, of course. Just, no one really knew what the reference was from, not even Milluki. As well as some sweats they'd found that happened to be from Killua's college, which were a tad too long, but they managed.

Killua liked the way Gon looked in his clothes, even if they didn't fit right. It gave him a sort of charm.

"So..." Senritsu began, and Killua looked up from his eggs to her. She sat down in the chair across.

"Please don't," he muttered.

"I won't." She said, before looking away, off to the side, where they'd hung up that old stained glass piece they'd found in a thrift store.

"But?"

Senritsu let a small smile slip before looking back to him. "I called Leorio and Kurapika to do it for me."

His eyes widened and he pushed himself to his feet, kneeling down on his knees in front of Senritsu, grabbing the bottom of her shirt and crinkling the fabric.

"No. No no no. Why? Ritsu, please. Call it off. I will clean the apartment, don't make me face them."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you didn't like me."

Killua stood, let go of Senritsu, and turned to face Kurapika, who was leaning in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest, looking absolutely and positively smug.

"I'm fine with you, it's Leorio that gets me."

His eyes turned to the tall man coming up behind his blonde friend.

"How are you, Miss Padokea?" Killua sniped at him.

"Oh, I'm marvelous. How are you, dartboard?" Leorio asked with feigned happiness. 

"Dartboard doesn't make sense. Sorry, I win this round."

"It does make sense because I want to throw darts at you. Only sometimes, though. I bet it would be fun."

"You wouldn't get a point on me."

Leorio and Kurapika, the latter shaking his head, sat themselves at the table; Killua snagged his plate before his friends sat.

"You're both pretty, alright? We're not here to continue your immature banter." Kurapika said, a brow raised. "We're here to tell him what happens if he hurts Gon."

"My guess is that you'll go all kung fu on my ass?"

Kurapika held up a finger. "Judo." He corrected. "Not kung fu."

"Excuse me," he nodded, leaning against the counter.

"Same goes for him though. We don't want either of you hurt, and we want you guys to work out."

"Yeah," Leorio nodded, "can't have either of you being depressed and lonely."

"So, you be good to him, he does the same for you, we'll all be happy." Kurapika finished.

Killua let out a relieved breath. "That went so much better than Gon's."

The two turned their attentions to him.

"What?"

He scratched at the back of his head. "Well. We were at the manor because I wanted to paint him. We stayed for dinner... He may or may not have been interrogated by Hisoka and Illumi."

"Oh my god." Kurapika whispered.

"Wait, who are they?" Leorio looked between them.

"Brother and brother's fiancé." Killua said quickly with a nod to Leorio.

"They didn't threaten Gon, did they?"

Killua shrugged. "Everything they do is threatening. But not explicitly, I guess. It was more underlying. Gon's fine though, I mean, he wasn't shaken at all by it."

"And you?" Kurapika's prying eyes turned up to him.

"Yeah. Well. They're a frightening combination."

Kurapika nodded, resting his chin in his hands.

"So what have you guys been up to?" Killua asked nonchalantly, crossing his legs.

Leorio leaned back in his chair. "Found this restaurant with a Mariachi band."

"And he won't stop going to it."

* * *

They were sitting on a bench, Gon's arm around his shoulders, Killua leaning into Gon's chest, his eyes fluttering closed, trying to ignore the gnawing ache behind them.

That was how it went, after taking D2.

There was the day after, where everything felt normal. 

There was the second day, where he could hardly stay awake and needed coffee to not be a zombie to the world for twenty four hours.

The third day was a gentle beginning of the pain, some deep aches in bones that echoed arthritis, a slight headache behind the eyes.

The fourth day was the worst, when he would be in debilitating pain that felt as though he were being torn apart, sewn back together, then torn apart again.

The last time he had a day like that, Gon had asked him out. He didn't know what tomorrow would bring him this time.

Gon poked his arm. "Hey. Are you awake?"

Killua sat up straight and looked at Gon. "Yeah, I am. I'm fine."

Gon gave him a brief look of worry, before flashing a smile. "Good! Because someone's going to be joining us."

"Wait, what."

"Yeah, my aunt Mito was coming down this weekend, and I was wondering if you wanted to meet her?" His eyes sparkled, shooting Killua a look that he couldn't say no to.

Gon was giving him puppy dog eyes.

"God damn it." Killua whispered, before shaking his head at Gon and speaking fully.

"Okay, fine. When are we meeting her?"

Gon chuckled. "She said she'll be in town in thirty minutes, we could meet her at Kurta."

Killua nodded in agreement. "Okay. I guess it won't be that bad. From what I've heard of Mito..."

Gon had talked about Mito a lot. About how she raised him and how it was her that pushed him into going to college. And while Padokea was far from Whale Island, Mito never minded. To meet Mito, who had become something of a mythical creature in regards to how godlike Gon had painted her out to be, Killua was nervous and happy at the same time. He was nervous because it was Mito. Mito was so important to Gon, and he couldn't afford to screw it up. And he was happy for the same reason.

Gon touched his forehead to Killua's, taking his hand, smiling. Killua smiled as well, unable to hold back.

Gon pulled away first. "I have to text her, but we can take our time walking there." He stood and held out his hand to Killua.

The white-haired teen gladly took the hand and walked with Gon as they headed to Kurapika's café.

Killua had some of the best times of his life at Kurta Coffee. He'd met people, like Knov, Komugi, and Palm. He'd read, studied, drawn there. It was where he'd reconnected with Kurapika after the elder graduated. It was where he'd met Gon, and now, he would meet Gon's aunt.

They came up to Kurta's green door, littered with small circular windows, and made their way inside, going to the back of the café, where Kurapika had stored all of his favorites books.

It was something of a miniature library in the back of Kurta, Kurapika being the avid reader he was. The shelves were lined with classics, contemporaries, and even the occasional pulp novel.

Killua knew each spine of each book by memory, considering how many times he'd been there, and he'd read a few of them, borrowing them from Kurapika.

Gon sat down onto the red couch situated amongst the bookshelves, while Killua nodded back towards the counters at the front.

"I'll get us something to drink, anything you want?"

 Gon pursed his lips, thinking it over, before shaking his head. Killua nodded and made his way up front.

He smiled and waved at the familiar face at the counter. Pairo smiled back, straightening out his dark red apron.

"Hey, Killua. You want your usual?" He asked with a smile.

"Tea, please."

Pairo, Kurapika's cousin, had been a fairly regular face at Kurta, ever since Killua started coming here, and he was nearly always working.

It took a short amount of time to make the drink, then Killua paid and returned to the back, tea in hand.

Gon looked up at him and smiled.

"Aunt Mito should be here in a few minutes; she's on her way."

Killua sat down next to him, taking a sip of his drink. Gon placed his hand on Killua's knee, pressing his forehead to Killua's shoulder.

"Killua."

Gon squeezed his knee.

"Hmm?"

Killua glanced down to Gon, the teen's spiky hair brushing against his neck.

"Mito will love you."

Killua looked back away, a small smile on his lips, and took another sip of his tea. Pairo's tea was the best, better than whatever shit Illumi ever made, the few times he did. Gon pressed his lips to Killua's shoulder.

The bells on the door jingled, and Killua nudged Gon, causing a slight groan from the other.

"Was that Mito?" He asked, reaching over and fishing Gon's phone from his pocket, checking it.

 **Aunt Mito <3:** Just got here, where...

He nudged Gon again. "Time to get up, Sleeping Beauty."

"Can't." Gon shifted. "You're too warm."

"Your aunt's here."

Gon held out his hand, and Killua handed him his phone. He typed out a quick message before settling back against Killua's shoulder, amber eyes closed.

Shortly after, a red haired woman poked her head into the back area. Killua smiled and raised his empty hand, that happened to be the arm Gon was laying on. Mito smiled at Gon fondly before sitting in the chair next to the couch.

"Do you want something to drink? I could order something for you." Killua offered, but Mito shook her head.

"No, I'm fine. Thank you, though." She said, amusement in her voice.

Killua took another drink of his tea.

"Hey, Aunt Mito." Gon said, his sunny voice muffled by Killua's sleeve.

Mito laughed softly.

"I'm Killua, by the way," he put his tea to the side and held out a hand.

Mito shook his offered hand. "Gon's told me a lot about you."

"Ah, well. I hope I live up to expectations."

"You're doing fine so far." She gave him a kind smile.

"You did just meet me, though." He said, shrugging the shoulder that didn't support Gon's face. Gon reached up and put a hand to the side of his face.

"Hush, no. Killua, you're perfect."

He looked over. "Do you need a nap?"

Gon shook his head, wrapping his arms around Killua's arm. In retaliation, Killua poked him in the forehead.

"Idiot."

"You two are adorable." Mito commented with a smile.

"Killua doesn't like it when you call him adorable, Aunt Mito." Gon said, looking over from Killua's shoulder, resting his chin on it.

"I'm calling you both adorable anyway, together."

Killua stifled a small smile and took another sip of his tea.

It seemed like Mito liked him well enough, and that was a good feeling, something akin to being approved of by the parents, but of course, she was more important than parents, she was Mito. Not only was she Gon's mother-figure, she was Gon's first best friend.

Mito smiled at Killua, her eyes twinkling. Thousands of unsaid words ringing out with that look.

'I trust Gon with you.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be delayed due to a Leopika spin-off for this I want to write, it'll just be a one-shot, but still.


	8. No Longer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua bares his soul to Gon after the meeting with Mito.  
> Senritsu is decidedly done with Killua and Gon making out in the living room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TNT Side Story featuring Leopika- http://archiveofourown.org/works/3844444
> 
> Thank you all for putting up with my shit humor and irregular updates. You all deserve prizes.
> 
> Fun Fact: I almost named "A New" this chapter because I forgot A New and Color existed when I went to write them.

Gon had his fingers threaded through Killua's hair. He'd been extremely touchy lately, but Killua supposed that he didn't mind. He liked the way Gon's hands felt when they touched him, big and callused and tanned. Unlike his own, where his right hand was incredibly abused and its twin on the left had only a few marks that quickly disappeared, as was the norm with paper cuts.

Gon's fingers were thick, rough. And Killua knew it was because of when he was a child, hands growing rough from his fishing rod as he spent his days on Whale Island by a lake, or from climbing the trees.

Killua's, on the other hand, were long, much like a pianist's fingers, but with a callus on the ring finger of his right hand. His right thumb was far more angular than his left as well, especially when his stretched out his hand completely. His theory was that it'd become like that because he'd held the pencil too tightly when he sketched in the earlier days.

Gon's left hand held his. Gon's right hand tangled into the white strands of his hair, while he held his in front of him, holding out a book that he'd taken from Kurta while they were leaving.

'He is all my art to me now.' Killua read. His hand tightened around Gon's. How true it was. While he didn't love Gon solely for the purpose of art, he found that the quote echoed in him. The first time he'd read the book, he'd found it a little ridiculous that an artist could fall in love, perhaps at all. No matter what it was.

But Gon.

He paused in his reading and lowered the book, mouth set in a line as he sank back into Gon.

"Thank you." He said suddenly and Gon leaned over a little, their eyes meeting.

"For what?" His fingers continued twisting Killua's locks, and Killua smiled at him.

"For showing me I can." After that, Killua turned back to his book, raising it up again, while behind him, Gon's brow knitted.

"You're welcome, I guess. I still don't know what you mean."

Killua slipped in his bookmark and turned a little, so he could easily see Gon, and set the book to the side. Gon's hand moved from his hair to his back, their hands still entwined.

"Can I just... I love you, Gon. I didn't think I could, romantically, but I do. Thank you for showing me I can."

Gon's amber eyes lit up when he smiled and he leaned forward, kissing Killua briefly. The two of them smiled dumbly for a moment before they broke down in laughter, Killua's head falling against Gon's shoulder.

"You're so cute, Killua." Gon said sweetly.

"Are you kidding?  That was so fucking cheesy. Why didn't you stop me from saying that?"

Gon started rubbing circles on Killua's back. "Because I like it when you say cute things."

Killua grinned. "Fuck you, Gon."

"You can if you want to."

He laughed again, and nipped at Gon's neck. "I might if you keep that up."

"Right here?"

"Yep."

Gon was silent for a moment, and Killua peeked at him. He was smiling, shaking his head, and laughing softly. "That wouldn't be comfortable."

"Maybe not for you."

That made him pause for just a moment before he turned them, pressing Killua against the floor and holding himself over him.

"I don't know; this is pretty comfortable." He said, obviously holding back laughter.

Killua leaned up, his lips close to Gon's. "Not for as long as I'll keep you up there." He wrapped his arms around Gon's shoulders, and pulled up a little, kissing him again.

For a moment, he felt a flash of pain jolt through his arm, but ignored it. He knew what tomorrow would be, so his body really needed to stop reminding him, especially now.

He just wanted to be a stupid hormonal nineteen year old boy for an hour.

"What time does Senritsu normally get back?" Gon asked suddenly.

The person in question stepped out of the kitchen and looked at the two of them before sighing and shaking her head.

"I've been here the whole time. Could you please take that-" she gestured to the two of them "-somewhere else, please."

Gon sat up straight beside Killua, looking at Senritsu apologetically. "I didn't know you were home, I'm sorry."

She smiled at him. "It's okay, Gon."

Killua looked up at her, upside down. "But not okay for me, I assume."

Senritsu shook her head. "No, I won't mind as long as you take it somewhere else."

He smiled. "I don't deserve you." He said before standing, reaching out his hand to Gon. "Let's go. A happy Ritsu is my favorite Ritsu." Gon smiled at him and laughed a little.

Senritsu watched the two of them go down the hall and into Killua's room.

"Those little bunnies." She mumbled before pulling out her phone and texting Kurapika.

Just in case they got loud.

* * *

 

Gon's tongue was on his neck.

Killua closed his eyes, hands tightening, clutching Gon's shirt. His tongue was replaced with lips and teeth.

"Is," Killua managed, "is this you b-being pos-sessive?" Gon hummed against his throat, before removing his mouth.

"Not really, I think you'll know when I am. It will be clear." Gon turned him attention back to Killua's throat, kissing up the pale skin to his jaw.

Killua rolled his hips. "I want to see it now. I'm curious."

Gon nipped at his jaw, causing Killua to make a small chirping sound. "Curiosity killed the cat."

"Are you comparing me to a cat? Because I can totally show you how cat-like I can be." He slipped his hands out of Gon's grip and placed them against his chest.

Gon pushed himself up and looked at Killua's mischievous expression, his own doubtful.

"It almost looks like you're about to grow ears and a tail."

Killua raised his eyebrows. "You're being cheeky."

"Yep." Gon said with a nod.

"You can be taught."

* * *

 

Killua woke up in Gon's arms. They hadn't done anything the night before, only a really hardcore make out session, but still, Killua woke in pain.

It flashed like lightning down his spine,  waking him from his restful sleep and wracking his body with the crushing pain he'd only ever felt once before. He gasped, pulling out of Gon's arms and curling in on himself.

It felt worse this time. It felt so much worse. It felt like his bones were breaking, snapping into pieces, and crumbling into dust.

He took a breath, ignoring the sharp pain in his lungs from doing so, and glanced at the clock.

Four in the morning.

Killua felt a hand on his shoulder, and he whimpered, really desperately wishing Gon wasn't awake but simply missing his warmth.

"Hey, Killua." Gon whispered to him in the darkness, and Killua curled closer, wincing.

"Are you okay?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys want to ask me about TNT or any future works, my tumblr is maeda-kun ^-^  
> I couldn't stop cackling like a crazy person when I was writing this.


	9. Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit goes down.

"Are you okay?" Gon's voice was full of concern, and Killua wasn't quite sure how he should answer, or if he could. He didn't know how much pain speaking in this state would cause him.

"G-Gon." He managed, despite his fear, turning partially toward Gon, looking up at him with sad eyes. "I'm... I'm okay," his voice was a hoarse whisper when he spoke. "G-go back to sleep."

Instead, Gon pushed himself up in the bed and pulled Killua against him. Killua gasped at the sudden jerking movement of his body, headache throbbing. "I won't go back to sleep until you do, okay?" Gon leaned down and kissed his forehead.

"N-no. You should... you should sleep. Please just go to sleep, Gon." He said, pushing himself away. He didn't see Gon's expression, but he had a feeling that it was concerned. That Gon was worried about him.

"Tell me what's wrong." He said, and Killua felt his hand grasp the back of Killua's shirt. He didn't pull, he just held, and that pained Killua's heart more than anything else.

"It... it's worse this time. I don't know if I can do this." He dropped his head into his hands, the heels of his hands pressing into his eyes, causing the border of his vision to be tainted with grey.

"Explain it to me. I want to help you." Gon's voice was painfully soft, and Killua couldn't stand it. He cared. He cared. Killua shook his head. He wasn't used to it. He'd never be used to Gon.

"You can't help me." He said, setting his feet on the floor and sinking down until his knees were against his chest, back against the hard metal of the frame. "You can't. There's nothing you can do..."

Unconsciously, his eyes flit to the shoe box that had been kicked under the bed.

Gon couldn't help him, he knew that much, but he could help himself.

He reached slowly, but it was Gon who took his hand, leaning out from the bed and taking his gaze away from the box.

Oh. That's right.

Killua blinked a few times. He had to keep himself together for Gon. He could let this pass for Gon. He wouldn't take any more for Gon...

"You should hide the box somewhere." Gon said. "Really. If it's giving you this much trouble-"

"I can't just get rid of it." Killua interrupted. "You don't understand. I can't just get rid of it. I can't just-"

"Killua, listen to me." Gon got out of the bed and knelt down in front of Killua, hands on his shoulders and looking into his eyes. Even in the darkness of early morning, those amber eyes were powerful. "You don't need it. You just think you do. I can help you. I can be right here for you; I can make you stop when you're about to take one. I can be the reason why you stop." He cupped Killua's face in his hand. "Let me."

Killua closed his eyes so tight that furry grey bordered his vision and he could no longer see those imposing eyes.

Gon already was his reason, already so much... and so was the pain. He couldn't...

"Gon." Killua's voice was a whisper when he spoke. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

He opened his eyes and saw pain reflected in Gon's. And that pain looked greater than his own. And he couldn't tell what hurt most. Gon took both of his hands and held them between the two of them.

"You're not going to do anything. I have your hands. You can't do anything if I have your hands." Despite the childish words, his voice reflected his sorrow.

Killua pulled away, ripping his hands from Gon's grasp and backing away, consequently slamming his back into the bed frame and wincing.

"Go."

"Killua..."

"P-please."

Gon backed away, and Killua put his head on his knees. "Let me hide the shoebox first."

Killua looked up, quickly, eyes wide. "No." His voice was weak.

"You were already tempted once; let me take it with me and hide it."

"No!" Killua suddenly shouted, startling Gon. He could see in the way the other's shoulders lurched. Somewhere deep inside of him, he felt a satisfaction in having surprised Gon. "Get out! I don't need your help! Let me be alone!"

Gon reached toward the box, slowly, watching Killua's expression carefully. Killua grabbed the box, shifting onto his knees and setting the shoebox onto his legs.

"Killua!" Gon reached forward and tried to take it from Killua, who turned his back to him.

"Get out! Get out!" He shouted as he opened the box.

"Killua, please!"

He took out the plastic bag and threw the shoe box behind him.

"Killua."

He felt Gon's head fall against his back, Gon's hands clutching the back of his shirt, shaking. His blue eyes examined the contents of the bag.

Four.

He pulled it open and took out two of those devious little pills.

"Killua, please." Gon's voice was a mere whisper, as Killua took down the remaining pills.

* * *

 

White.

All around him, a soft and puffy white. A stark contrast to the dark morning before that.

His body was soft and white too. Killua gave a smile, and leaned back into the warmth behind him.

"Killua?" The voice was sweet. Like caramel. Yeah. The voice was smooth and light orange-ish brown. Just like caramel. Killua looked behind himself, and found a man made of caramel, holding the back of his shirt.

He discarded what he held; it looked like a feather, all of the dusted white, and turned to face the caramel man.

"Oh god, Killua." The caramel man dropped his head as a show of emotion. Emotion pamotion. Killua took the caramel man's face into his hands and looked at him. His eyes were caramel, his lips were caramel. Killua found himself wondering if he would taste like caramel too.

"I'm sorry." The caramel man said, and Killua leaned forward and kissed him.

He didn't taste like caramel, and Killua was disappointed. He pulled back and pouted. The caramel man didn't look caramel anymore. He got more colors, slowly.

Black, pink, white, green, red... He took on the appearance of a person.

"Killua." The man's pink lips spoke the word slowly, and Killua found himself intrigued by that mouth. He reached forward to touch it; his soft white fingers gliding across the pink stretch.

"Soft." Killua muttered to himself, before giggling a little at the sound of his voice.

The man took his hand and pulled it away from his mouth.

"Do you know how long this usually lasts?" The man turned toward the whiteness, and Killua looked over, his attention turning to the other person. A girl, he assumed.

"He usually comes out of it after an hour or two." The girl came closer, and put a white hand on the man's shoulder.

The man looked over at the feather.

"The bag is empty."

"What?" Her voice was soft, and high when she spoke, and she walked over and picked up the feather. "He took the rest of them then?"

"You look soft." Killua muttered, but the two ignored him. 'Rude,' he thought.

"Has he ever...?"

"No, not that I know of. Might have before we got the apartment. Maybe we should call his brother."

"Illu-nii!" Killua's eyes lit up. "Illu-nii is soft. He lets me pet him."

The two nodded to each before the girl picked something out of the whiteness that looked like a chocolate bar. The man turned back to Killua.

That was when Killua realized they only had pieces of faces. He poked one of the empty parts of the man's face.

"How do you do that? It's cool! Can you teach me how to do that?"

The man's eyes narrowed and he poked Killua's face as well.

"You're speaking gibberish."

"I don't speak Finnish..."

* * *

Ill-nii appeared in the whiteness. Just as the girl had, in fact she followed Ill-nii in.

"Ill-nii!" Killua smiled.

"What did you do?" Ill-nii asked the man as he walked around Killua, going somewhere behind him. Killua thought he'd disappeared for a moment, until he felt Ill-nii's hands in his hair. He could bet that it was also as soft and white as the rest of him.

"I asked him to let me hide the shoebox." The man answered.

"Was he withdrawing?"

The man didn't answer, but the girl.

"He was on the third day of withdrawal. He must have been going through something terrible for him to slip over the edge like that." She said, and Ill-nii continued twisting Killua's hair in his fingers.

"Third day is physical pain, excruciating amounts of it. I think, when you offered to take the drugs away, Gon, he was going off because of the pain. I've seen him go through it before, a couple months ago, actually, he locked himself in the shed at the house, and he stayed there until it ebbed. He had a good idea at the time. Getting himself as far away from the drugs as possible before he was tempted by them."

"Why didn't he do that this time? Especially if he knew it was coming."

The three of them were silent for a moment, and no one spoke. The white world was now tense, and Killua didn't like it. The white world wasn't supposed to be tense. It was supposed to be happy. It was supposed to be fuzzy...

He started to feel it in his bones first. The tension. The wrought and hollow thickness that settled in his bones made him uncomfortable, and he shifted. It reminded him too much of...

"Get out!"

He looked up; in the whiteness, he saw two figures, and they appeared to be fighting.

"Please."

He saw the aggression seeping from one figure, that melted the whiteness of the room into the darkness of the early dawn.

It was five o'clock in the morning.

The little red numbers bore into him.

He started recognizing the faces around him. Senritsu, Illumi, Gon...

Killua leaned forward, falling into Gon's chest and feeling his warm arms encircle him.

"The white went away." He muttered, his voice muffled by Gon's shirt.

"He'll be falling asleep soon." Illumi said, and the bed creaked as he stood. "Once the ecstasy of the drug fades, he goes to sleep and will wake up a couple hours later. I didn't think it would be so fast, since he took four. I think the most I've ever seen him take is three." Gon's arms tightened around him. Gon's heat permeated through him, and made him more comfortable.

"Keep an eye on him over the next few days. If you don't, he might slip away and get some more." Illumi sighed and ruffled Killua's hair. "It's a good thing he took the rest that he had."

* * *

 

Killua remembered the first time he met Senritsu. She had been very shy at the time, both of them children, and he had been antisocial. Because of that, the two of them got along, so much that they were absolutely inseparable.

When they got into high school, that didn't really change. Since neither wanted to speak to anyone else, they took every opportunity to be together. They kept in touch after high school. Killua bought an apartment and invited her to live with him.

In whole, Killua thought it would help. He thought Senritsu could act as a boundary between drugs and himself.

But in the end, he still got high. Senritsu had witnessed it once, how he acted, and knew exactly how it would be. For Killua, when he was high, Senritsu was merely a blur of whatever color she wore at the time.

She knew, but she didn't know as much as Illumi.

But she knew more about Killua on his good days. How they would set up an outdoor theater on homecoming night and watch movies until they fell asleep. How, since neither had dates, he took her to prom and danced like dorks. But it was fun. And that was the Killua Senritsu knew and was used to. The Killua that would do anything in his power to make the people he loved happy.

He just wasn't the same when he took the pills.

* * *

 

Killua woke up and looked at the clock. The glaring red numbers read four. The sun beamed through the blinds and into the room.

Four in the afternoon, and all he could remember was shouting.

But he felt so warm, a little uncomfortable from the position, but warm. He grabbed Gon's shirt, which seemed to serve as his pillow.

"Gon." He whispered, closing his eyes.

"It's okay."

"No, no it's not. I hurt you. I yelled at you. I should have listened to you."

Gon kissed his forehead again. "I forgave you a long time ago."

"You deserve more than me."

"I still want you, Killua. One incident won't make me stop loving you."


	10. But Gold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smexiness and fanservice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All these chapters I look forward to!
> 
> And I've been quiet, I apologize. I wanted to write but I also didn't, but here I am.
> 
> So anyway, I reread a lot of TNT and now I have a nice little plot twist I wasn't planning for but mwahahahaha.
> 
> I've been having a lot of technical problems lately, so thank you for waiting. ^-^
> 
> Plus, I lost my plans v-v so this might actually end up being longer than I originally intended, so here's for Enigma who wanted this to be longer, haha.

Killua was mostly relieved. Gon didn't hate him because of one slip. Killua pulled Gon closer, burying his shame into Gon's warm body. He felt Gon's hand spread out and lower to the small of his back. Gon's warmth, his being. Killua could feel the unavoidable compassion seeping into his bones, just from this embrace.

Killua was mostly relieved, but also slightly ashamed of himself. He didn't deserve Gon. He didn't deserve to be forgiven. He didn't deserve any of this.

'This whole time,' Killua realized, 'I was thinking that I didn't deserve him, that I never could. I was so blinded by my lowered self worth that I couldn't see him.'

"I'm sorry, Gon," he said as he stood, pulling out of Gon's arms. "I'll... I'll be right back." Those amber- no, caramel- eyes flickered up to him, and Gon stood as well.

"I'll go with you."

Killua stared at him blankly. "Oh... um..." he looked over to the door. "I should probably tell you, right? So you.... I'm just going to go take a shower..." Gon's hand rose to his cheek, angling his face upwards.

"I'll go with you." He repeated, and Killua felt his face burn.

"That's not necessary." Killua muttered, looking away. Gon pressed a kiss to his forehead. Glancing back, Killua saw a smug grin on his face.

Gon took a step back. "Okay, but if I don't hear the shower I'm running after you." Killua chuckled.

"That's not what I'm worried about."

"I've already seen you naked, though, so it's not like it'll be any different."

Killua shook his head. "If you wanna come with me, go ahead, but you're not getting in."

Gon pouted at him, and Killua rolled his eyes. "Come on, you weirdo."

He noticed Gon's raised eyebrow, but didn't say anything, especially when Gon didn't. Until- "Does that mean I can get in, too?"

"Pervert."

* * *

 

The water was cold, running down his skin, from the back of his neck to the small of his back, it replaced the resident heat of the high with a hollow chill that permeated through his body.

Gon hadn't gotten in with him, and at the moment, he was grateful, for now he could wallow in his own self pity. Yes, he was angry at himself- no, angry's not the right word. He was enraged, pissed off- because of what he'd done. He'd yelled at Gon and got high. He didn't deserve Gon. He really didn't.

He heard a low hum from the other side of the curtain.

"It's not getting hot in here, you okay?" Gon called out from his spot on the toilet seat.

Killua didn't say anything, but looked at Gon's faint silhouette on the curtain. He was illuminated by the overhead light and stood out radiantly, making Killua fall that much further.

"Killua?" Gon called out again while standing.

"I'm fine," Killua said, leaning further into the cold water. "You don't have to worry about anything."

"It can't be helped, I'm worrying." Gon said, and Killua saw movement through the curtain.

"Ba~ka, Gon. Don't you dare do what I think you're about to." Killua straightened, his grim mood slowly fading away.

"Are you daring me not to? Because, you see, Mito-san always told me to ignore dares."

Killua reached forward and turned up the heat of the water, feeling it gradually heat against his skin. Except Gon was a furnace, and he still might find it cold.

The curtain of the shower rustled, and Gon stepped in behind Killua.

"Your hair looks really nice wet," he said while closing the curtain. Killua felt his cheeks heat, and he absently pulled on a lock of it.

He could feel Gon's heat on his back then, and leaned back into his chest.

"If you try anything, I'm going to blast the cold water on you." Killua threatened, though it was an empty threat, and they both knew it.

Gon's arms circled him. "I'm not afraid of cold water." He pressed his lips to the back of Killua's neck.

Gon's lips trail down, following the curve of Killua's spine. There came the chill, running down his arms.

"What're you..." Killua managed out, as Gon made his way lower.

"Just a little bit of teasing." His voice was tinged with mischief again.

"You've been teasing a lot lately." Killua muttered. It wasn't long after saying that that he felt Gon's hands on his inner thigh, and he startled.

"I haven't been teasing a lot." Gon protested before he nipped at Killua's skin.

"Fuck." The teen breathed out, closing his eyes tightly as the warm water poured on him. "Yes. Yes, you have."

Gon gave a half-hearted sound of denial as Killua felt his lips dip to the back of his leg. Mischievous hand moved up and wrapped around Killua's dick.

"Brat!" Killua let out, startled and hiding his eyes in his arm, his hand balled into a fist, resting on the tile wall of the shower while the other twisted into his hair in an attempt to keep him grounded.

"Would you rather it was my mouth?" Gon teased before kissing the back of his thigh again. Killua did not respond. He didn't know what to say.

No wasn't a good answer, and yes only invited more snark, so he clenched his teeth and tried to keep from focusing on Gon.

But Gon was really the only thing he could focus on. The warm water faded away, as did the cold of the tile, and all that was left were the rough warm hands touching him and the soft lips torturing his legs.

"Gon." Killua muttered.

"You're really hard, Killua. Are you okay?" Gon was having fun, he could hear it in his voice.

He held back a retaliation, sucking in a hissed breath instead. 'Of course I'm not okay, you asshole. You're jacking me off in the shower.'

His legs started going weak beneath him; his body quaked as he came. Killua let himself fall slowly to the tile, kneeling in front of Gon, who was now pressed behind him, his arms circling around Killua.

"Gon," Killua whispered, his voice drowned out by the sound of the cooling water hitting the tile. "Why the hell would you choose me?"

The other pulled him closer, and he felt the natural warmth of Gon's skin against his.

"What was that, Killua?" He asked, voice floating over the sound of water.

"Nothing."

* * *

 

Senritsu looked between the two, both of them soaking wet, with water dripping from their hair. Her lips pursed together, and she shook her head slightly.

"You little rabbits," she muttered. "You should make yourselves something to eat; it's almost lunchtime."

"What about you?" Killua asked her, and she smiled shyly, shrugging her shoulders before replying.

"I'm going out with a friend."

Killua's eyes sparked with lightning, and he quickly asked:

"Why are you blushing, is it a guy?"

Senritsu waved him off. "That's none of your concern. Make your own food, Lu-chan."

"Ritsu..."

"See you two later."

And just as quickly, she was gone.

Killua stood at the door for a moment, eyes dazed before he heard the distinct clanking of pots against pans in the kitchen. He turned from the door and went toward the kitchen, seeing Gon inside, setting up.

"You can cook?"

Gon turned for a moment and flashed him a smile.

"Yeah, well. I grew up with my Aunt, as you know, so sometimes I would help out in the kitchen, like with bigger meals." He explained as he took out some bread, cheese, and butter.

"What are you making us then?"

'Shit, he can cook too? Lord almighty.'

Gon paused for a moment and looked at Killua.

"You don't know how to make grilled cheese?" The question was poses incredulously, and Killua answered it with a frown.

"I've never cooked before, okay? Unless toast counts."

Gon chuckled and tsked. "Then watch me; grilled cheese is one of the easiest things ever to cook."

Killua hummed, leaning against the counter. "I used to watch the chef cook when I was little. Sometimes she'd give me the illusion I was helping. Some meaningless task that had nothing to do with the dish but made little six year-old me feel so fulfilled." He laughed softly. "Y'know. She was more of a mom to me than my actual mom. Same with the butlers."

"I never knew my mom," Gon said as he turned the stove on, the two uncooked sandwiches sitting side by side in the pan. "There were never any pictures of her, and my aunt even said my dad just showed up with me one day."

"Your dad sounds like an asshole." Killua deadpanned, looking at Gon, who shrugged, letting the sandwiches cook on the one side before he grabbed a spatula and flipped them. The bread was an attractive golden-brown.

"I wouldn't know."

"That's precisely why he's an asshole."

Gon laughed as he pressed the sandwiches into the pan; a soft simmer sang with the soft laugh.

"I don't know; I still want to see for myself."

Killua tilted his head, looking at Gon with curiosity and... another emotion he couldn't identify. That one that remained ever illusive- just beyond his grasp.

The noon sun came in through the window, slipping past Killua and began to shine directly on Gon.

Gon, his embodiment of light, his loud, awkward, shameless, sweet, caring, loving, forgiving, flawless boyfriend.

'That's it,' Killua found himself thinking. 'You're not just the embodiment of light, are you. You're more than that. More than just simple light. You're the sun. You light up everything around you, you melt ice...'

He thought back to the unfinished painting in his studio. He should finish it. Should paint Gon's tanned skin and muscular arms. That sweet smile on his face, that innocence in his eyes. With the light wrapping around him, threatening to steal him away from the darkness.

Killua looked away from Gon and closed his eyes.

'There should be another painting,' that mocking voice in his mind whispered. 'The embodiment of darkness.'

Absently, Killua reached out, his fingers brushing against Gon's wrist.

Gon looked up, his full attention given to Killua.

"What's wrong?" He asked, and Killua opened his eyes, looked at Gon and smiled.

"You know I love you, right?" He said softly, his hand curling around Gon's wrist.

The sandwiches were done and moved to a plate so they could be ignored. The stove was turned off as well before Gon turned completely to Killua, taking both of his hands and leaning forward, forehead against forehead.

"Of course I do." Gon answered, thumb rubbing over the top of Killua's hand.

"Good." Killua closed his eyes as he squeezed Gon's hands.

Gon chuckled, pulling back slightly and pressing a kiss to Killua's forehead. "You know I love you too, right? You know that I will, no matter what happens?"

"Yeah. I know that."

Gon pressed another kiss to Killua's nose. "Good." Before pressing one to his lips as well.

"Let's eat, yeah?"

Killua smiled, looking at Gon. "Yeah."


	11. Like Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The new arc begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't been able to stop thinking about TNT at all this past week, so here's this.  
> I hope you guys don't mind that it got longer, because now there are more than two arcs and some events have been moved around and added.  
> Please enjoy ^-^  
> And honestly, I only have a general idea of what Gungi's about most of this is me pretending to know what I'm talking about. V-V

The withdrawal came and went with kissing and cuddling and hiding under the bed. The last thing came on the last day, when the only person allowed in the room was Gon.

He sat next to the bed on the floor, grasping Killua's hand in his own, speaking to him, as an attempt to get him to ignore the pain in favor of the stories Gon told. He spoke of his high school years, and how exactly he had met Leorio.

Killua, who had curled up, found himself laughing gently at the story. He was glad; that Leorio had met Gon, and that Leorio had met Kurapika. And though he would never actually say it out loud, he was equally as grateful for the man coming into his own life.

Leorio, however, still had moments where he was a senile old man- at least, according to Killua. At the moment, he was standing by the window in Kurta coffee, a stupid toothy smirk on his face, betting on the game of Gungi Killua was currently playing against Komugi. Behind her, with a hand on her shoulder, as if ensuring her that he was constantly there, was Meruem.

The two were, undoubtedly, one of the only straight couples that Killua knew.

 "1-4-3 Spy." Komugi placed her piece on the board before resting her hand back in her lap.

Killua's fingers twisted up in his hair as he glared at the board. He looked at each piece they had placed, archers, fortresses, generals...

"Can you put me down for $30 on Komugi winning?" A soft voice muttered to Leorio, Killua looked up, betrayal in his eyes.

"Goddamn traitor," he muttered to himself as he watched Kurapika move back away from Leorio. He turned his attention back to the game board.

"You're taking a long time." Meruem commented, and Killua couldn't hold back a glare directed at the pink-eyed man.

"Yeah, well, not all of us can be a genius like Komugi." He countered. The girl in question flushed and shook her head.

"N-no I'm not..."

After another few moments, Killua placed a piece on the board. "5-3-6 Fortress." The door of the cafe opened quietly, and Killua's eyes flicked up at the movement.

"Oh, Gon!" He waved him over, and Gon nodded, stopping at the counter for a moment and speaking to Pairo. The dark-haired boy nodded before Gon handed him some money. Afterward, Gon joined the rest of the crowd at the Gungi match, sitting himself by Killua.

"3-5-2 Archer." Komugi said as she made her move, and Killua scanned the board. Meruem wore a smirk.

"What's going on?" Gon leaned over, looking at the board.

"6-4-9 General." Killua said as he played before turning to Gon, answering his question with a brisk nod. "I'm losing."

Gon grinned. "Well, I ordered some coffee for us, so you can have that as a reward when the game done."

"Even if I lose?"

"Komugi has had you on the ropes this entire game; you're going to lose." Meruem told him. Killua shrugged.

"She always wins." He answered.

"2-5-9 Lieutenant General."

"Shit," Killua muttered, looking over the board again. Komugi did have him on the ropes, and in one move, she could easily win. He pursed his lips together.

His move was reluctant. "3-6-1 Spy."

A small smile appeared on Komugi's lips; Killua had won himself maybe one or two more moves as she counteracted the effect of his strategy.

"Coffee, Gon!" Pairo called out, and Gon moved to stand. Before he left, he pressed a quick kiss to Killua's cheek.

"I have no idea what's going on, but I'm rooting for you, babe." He said softly before going to the counter.

"1-1-6 Archer."

"5-3-7 Archer."

"Oh, and Leorio," Pairo called out from the counter, "$20 on Komugi for me!"

"Thanks for the support, Pairo!" Killua called back.

"You two do this every year, and you have yet to win, Killua. Who's to say this year will be any different?" Kurapika pointed out.

"Who's to say it won't?" Killua retorted.

"You say that every year." Meruem answered. "The only thing different this year is Leorio's betting pool."

"5-4-7 Fortress."

Killua let out a groan of frustration, glancing around the board and differentiating between his own pieces and Komugi's.

"Coffee." Gon sat down beside him again.

"Thanks, Gon." He said as he reached over and took the cup, taking a sip. His eyes widened slightly, his mind clicking together a brilliant move. He looked up to Komugi, her pale eyes settled unseeing on the board.

"Your turn, Killua." She said calmly.

He let out a soft breathy laugh. "Did you do that on purpose?"

"You've finally seen it, then?" She answered. Meruem laughed softly, shaking his head just beyond her shoulder.

"I'm not going there," Killua said. "You know exactly what to do when I go there; I'm not going to do it." His words were definite, pushed forward with determination.

Beside him, Gon's phone started going off, a soft buzz of its vibrations ringing out. Gon excused himself silently with a hand rested briefly on Killua's shoulder, before he got up and took the call outside of the cafe.

Killua thought for a moment glancing around the board again in hopes that maybe there was a move that Komugi didn't anticipate.

She may have seemed sweet, but she was a goddess of Gungi who managed to tame an ex-gang member. She was a force to be reckoned with.

"7-2-2 Calvarymen."

Komugi's eyes glistened.

Shit.

The following move was instantaneous, the blind woman's movements graceful as she placed the piece on the board.

"4-3-1 New Spy."

"Shit." It was a muttered word under his breath as he looked up to Komugi. "You win."

* * *

Killua was sitting in the back of Kurta reading one of Kurapika's books when Gon came back in. His eyes didn't stray from the book, and he didn't say anything when Gon sat next to him again.

Gon absently placed his chin on Killua's shoulder, looking at the open page of the book.

"Hey," Gon whispered, his breath ghosting on Killua's neck. "How'd the game go?" Killua shrugged with the shoulder Gon wasn't occupying.

"The traitorous cousins got their money," was Killua's answer, as he closed the book and put it back on the shelf. "Who called?"

"Mito-san," Gon said, sitting up straight. "I told her to call me when she got back to Whale Island, so I know she's alright." As he spoke, he took Killua's hand in his own, entwining their fingers.

"Well, next time you talk to her, tell her I say hi. I like Mito-san." Killua smiled softly, and Gon pulled him closer.

"She likes you too. Should I set you guys up for dinner?"

"Gon, you dork," he stifled a chuckle and slotted himself comfortably against Gon's side. They sat like that for a moment, Gon's arm had pitched itself around Killua's waist while Killua was nearly in Gon's lap, his feet up on the couch- which Kurapika hated, but he didn't say anything about it anymore.

"Do you want a mocha next time? I heard Pairo's mochas are the best, that he does like, half coffee half hot chocolate." Gon said softly, looking away from Killua.

"I think you know the answer to that." The words were deadpanned, and Gon laughed.

"Alright, will do."

* * *

 

It was Tuesday afternoon. Gon had actual things he had to do- Killua didn't ask- which left Killua wondering how he should spend his time alone.

That was basically the reason he was sitting in the shed at the manor, a thin brush spreading light brown paint up what would be the side of Gon's neck.

Just beyond, Maha was sitting on his stool, with a knife and a block of wood, prepared to start whittling.

"Killu," the old man's voice was soft, and Killua looked behind him, Maha's eyes were on him. "Promise me something."

The young adult sat up, his brush set into the ledge of his easel. "Sure, Ojii-san, what is it?"

"Promise that you'll paint me one of these days. That you'll hang it up on the wall of the shed, preferably near my stool, and that you won't let it lean against the wall." The older man was regarding him carefully, softly with his squinted eyes.

"Sure, but what brought this on?"

"You know, Killu, I remember when you first started painting. You've always been so good at it, a regular prodigy. Like Beethoven with a brush, but I realized that I never asked you to paint me, despite how amazing you were and are. And I want to leave something behind when I'm gone. And if it's a painting done by your hand, where I will be watching over this train wreck of a family for eternity, than let that be so." Killua stood and walked toward his great grandfather.

"Ojii-san, don't talk like tha-"

"Don't be so pessimistic. Ah quiet you. I'm a mortal man too."

Killua watched silently as Maha slipped off of his stool. The man was incredibly short, around the same height as Kalluto, and Killua could see the fragility in his movements.

He was old, and the realisation thudded like a dull pain in Killua's chest.

"I promise. I'll paint you, and it'll be the best piece I ever did." He said, and despite how they sounded, the words were not empty. He meant them from the core of his being.

"I didn't ask for that much..." Maha's eyes gleamed with pride as he turned his gaze to Killua once more. And once more, Killua felt the very same dull thud.

"It doesn't matter whether you asked for it or not, it's going to be the best, and you can't stop me."

The older man gave a soft smile at the words and shook his head. "I won't stop you, Killu. You can paint it however you like." Their eyes met and Maha's smile grew. "I'm very proud of you, for finding something that you enjoy. I'm glad that you became your own person outside of your name."

Killua couldn't hold back his own smile. Slowly, he realized.

Wasn't this the first time anyone in his family ever said that they were proud of him?

* * *

 

Killua returned to his and Senritsu's apartment around six and found Gon asleep on the couch. He laughed a little and locked the door behind him, walking past Gon toward the kitchen.

"Don't you have your own apartment?" He muttered fondly as he passed the dark haired male, running a hand through it.

The kitchen was empty, but Killua found noted food in the refrigerator for him.

'Gon and I had dinner without you. Here's your share.' Senritsu's loopy script read.

He took the food and a fork and returned to the living area, where he found Gon looking up at him from the couch.

"Where did Ritsu go?" He asked, because it was odd that she wasn't here. She was nearly always at the house.

"She left a little bit ago to go out with that guy again," Gon answered, moving so that Killua could sit down.

"I need to meet this guy." He decided aloud as he sat, knees curled up supporting his chilled plate.

"What were you up to?" The question flowed absently, and Killua shrugged, careful not to jostle his plate.

"Painting," he glanced at Gon and ran the back of his fork along his jaw. "I got your tone right."

"That was smug."

"I'm a smug artist."

For a moment, they sat in silence while Killua ate.

"Can I... no, never mind."

Blue eyes turned quickly to glance at Gon, and Killua saw something in his expression that he'd never seen before.

"You okay?"

Gon looked at him with what looked like surprise, and nodded quickly. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You would tell me if there was something wrong, right?"

"Of course I would. I'm fine, Killua, I promise."

And that was enough for Killua.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maha is a precious butterfly. ♡
> 
> Is there a character you want to see make an appearance or play a greater role?


	12. My Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gon actually does have an apartment.
> 
> Killua sees someone following him.
> 
> And then some domestic fluff because I am weak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 65 is the final update to the number of chapters there are, as I decided to include the final arc in there. I hope you guys are as excited as I am.
> 
> Between here and now there are 5 arcs to look forward to, not including the one we're currently in.  
> ^-^
> 
> And yeah, I did a little bit of math and realized that with all the time skips and stuff, it's probably mid-November.  
> (　･ิω･ิ)
> 
> Note that I'm going back and editing past chapters to make them better WOO!  
> Chapters one and two are all pretty and edited ^-^

"Are you serious?"

Gon nodded with a shrug and a smile.

"You're not lying to me, are you?"

To that, Gon's reply was a soft laugh as he turned to face the incredulous teen, pulling him close and briefly kissing his nose.

"Then why do you spend so much time at my apartment, huh? You just like bumming off Ritsu's cooking. Yep, that's it." Killua ranted, taking Gon's hand.

"I don't spend  _that_ much time at your apartment." Gon replied. "And anyway, it's right down this hall."

"Don't lie, you spend around seventy hours a week at my apartment."

"No, I don't."

"Ah, right, it's more than that."

Gon pulled him closer once more, kissing him on the lips. "Killua."

The teen in question smiled. "Okay, okay fine. But how do you even have an apartment?" Gon moved over to a dark brown door, rattling a key into the lock.

"I have a job."

The lock clicked, and Killua followed Gon inside.

"Since when?"

"What do you think I was doing yesterday? I had a shift."

Gon's apartment wasn't quite what he expected. To be honest, he expected to see things lain carelessly everywhere and not so... clean.

It was cleaner than Killua's apartment, and that was saying something, especially since Senritsu was the one that kept everything in order. The arrangement between the two was something like "your bedroom is your turf, and I don't trust you to do anything right so leave the cooking and cleaning to me. Don't argue, just nod."

"Do you spend any time in here?" Killua found himself wondering aloud.

"Oh, yeah, sometimes I'll be here." Gon answered absently, shedding his jacket. The chill of winter was settling in fully, recently, with the season slowly getting closer and closer. Even in the stagnant, yet frozen air, the scent of autumn was already giving way to the crispness of winter.

"Then why is it so clean?" Killua pulled his hat from his head, his hair immediately poofing into its natural shape, not because of static.

"Oh, I just. Mito-san would scold me if I didn't clean my room when I was a kid, and when I first got the apartment, she would come over at random times and scold me if it wasn't clean, so now it's just... normal."

"Maybe I should start scolding you if it's too clean because right now it's too clean."

"Well, I have been spending a lot of time over at your apartment." Killua opened his mouth to speak. "Not seventy hours, though."

The white-haired teen grinned, shedding his coat and folding it over his arms.

Gon took his things from him, and Killua could see, blatantly, Gon's eyes drifting down his figure. He didn't know why. He wondered though, because he was just wearing jeans and a turtleneck. It's not like it was anything especially sexual or erotic.

"You look amazing. You always do." Gon said, as if reading Killua's thoughts. And Gon's caramel eyes remained fixed on Killua's face, as if studying it, learning every rise and drop of skin. Committing Killua to memory.

Killua, under such speculation, turned bright red, his face heated.

"Don't do that, it's embarrassing." He mumbled as he walked past Gon and looked around the apartment. It was greatly different from his own, more expensive looking. It had a larger living area and an open kitchen, a separate dining room, but it also appeared to only have one bedroom.

Killua's heart leapt in surprise when he felt arms wrapping around him, and it took longer than he'd like to admit to relax into Gon's hold. Yet, slowly and reluctantly he did, muscles losing their tension.

Gon's forehead rested, settled on Killua's shoulder. "You're always beautiful, Killua." He muttered, fingers gripping Killua's sweater, pulling him closer, holding him tighter.

"Oi, Gon." Killua said softly, carefully turning to face the other, still in his arms. "You okay?"

He could see it in Gon's eyes, especially standing this close. A part of him, and it didn't matter to Killua what the size of the part was, was suffering.

Gon gave him a small smile and gently brushed his lips against Killua's.

"Don't worry about me."

"Don't say that," he returned softly. "You know that will only make me worry more." Gon's hand cupped his face, setting their eyes level with each other.

"Trust me, Killua. It's not something you need to worry about. I'm okay."

Killua looked away from Gon's eyes, toward the top of his shirt, that was mostly hidden beneath a sweater.

"Would you tell me?" Killua asked, reaching up and toying with the top of the undershirt. "If it was something important, would you tell me?"

Gon's lips pressed into his cheek. "Of course I would tell you."

And Killua believed him. Because it was Gon. And Gon never lied to him.

* * *

After spending about two or so more hours in Gon's apartment, Killua decided to say goodbye and head home.

For their last few moments, Gon kept Killua at the door, back against the jamb, while Gon held his hands and kissed him hard.

At around 3 PM, Killua finally left Gon's apartment, cheeks a little flushed.

His cerulean eyes carefully watched the streets he passed as he walked, heading towards the more suburban portion of the city where his own apartment was. It would be a long walk, but it would be nice. To clear his head of everything and enjoy his surroundings as he never had before.

His hands were buried deep into the pockets of his jacket, face buried into the neck, as a bitter wind blew against him. Beneath his feet, old leaves crunched against the concrete.

It was somewhat therapeutic, the sound and steps in time with his heartbeat. A small smile made its way onto his lips, his face tucked deeply into the collar of his jacket.

He started thinking that it would be nice, to be walking this way with Gon, the two of them holding hands, Gon pressing sweet kisses to his cheek.

The two of them pausing by a street light, which would shine on them like a spot light, and Killua would lean in and capture Gon's lips with his own.

He heard a rustle behind him and glanced back, snapped quickly out of his pretty thoughts.

The white haired teen was standing by a park, trees and bushes placed next to the fence. He watched carefully, quietly for a few moments before his phone went off in his pocket.

He pulled it out and checked it.

 **Gon:** I forgot to get your hat. Sorry, you're still close by right?

Killua chuckled softly and turned back around, heading back up the road while he shot a text back to Gon.

'Yeah, I'm still close. I should be back in around ten minutes.'

He pushed his phone back into his pocket and started back toward Gon's apartment building.

Behind him, he could hear the distinct sound of a camera shutter.

He looked back to the bushes of the park, but didn't see anything. He wanted so badly to simply brush off the sounds, despite how freaked out they were making him.

He started to wonder, if he walked quickly enough, if could get back to Gon's apartment in five minutes.

* * *

 

He knocked on the dark colored door, fingers and face warming and turning pink.

The door was opened very quickly by a smiling Gon holding up Killua's hat.

"Sorry about that," he said.

Killua didn't say anything or take the hat, but rushed forward, wrapping his arms around Gon and burying his face into Gon's chest.

"Woah, hey, Killua, are you okay?" Gon asked him, his voice heavy with concern as Killua pulled away from him.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I just... I thought I heard something on the way back, and I got a little freaked out."

Gon frowned. "Come on, come in. Make yourself comfortable. I'll be right back with something warm. Coffee or hot chocolate?"

Killua gave a small smile. "Do you even need to ask that question?"

Gon smiled back, his smile always brimming with light and warmth and happiness, so much that it made Killua's heart hurt.

After Gon disappeared into the kitchen, Killua closed the door to the apartment and walked over to Gon's living area.

In all, the apartment was elegant. The living space was next to the doorway, decorated with two sleek leather couches. Next to it was the dining room, beside that was the kitchen, which was walled off from the conjoined rooms.

Killua leaned back onto the couch, still in his coat, letting the heat of the apartment and fabric warm him as he waited.

"Marshmallows?" Gon called out from the kitchen.

"Yeah," Killua answered as he took of his shoes and set them to the side.

Slowly, he shed his coat once more, his bones feeling the comforting heat, and placed it to the side.

Gon emerged moments later with the hot chocolate, handing a mug to Killua and sitting beside him.

"So what's wrong?"

Killua blew on the steaming liquid for a moment. "When I was walking, before you texted me, I heard a sound. And then after you texted me, there was another one, but the second one sounded like a camera." He took a sip.

"A camera?" The question wasn't one of disbelief, there was no ounce of that in Gon's voice when he spoke, but of concern.

"I thought everything from July had calmed down..." Killua said, his eyes cast down to the liquid.

Gon took a drink. "Do you know if there's any reason why people might be following you again?"

Killua thought about it for a moment, head inclined.

"Oh."

Gon perked up, looking over at him.

"Illumi's getting married soon."

"Really? Can I go?"

Killua laughed. "He's not having a ceremony, Gon. He and Hisoka are going over to the courthouse and doing it that way."

Gon hummed thoughtfully and nodded before placing his drink to the side.

"Killua."

"Hmm?" At that moment, Killua was taking another drink. He lowered the drink and looked over to Gon, who leaned forward and kissed him.

"Yep."

"What..."

Gon smiled widely at him. "I wanted to see if I could taste the chocolate if I kissed you after you took a drink."

"You were stealing my precious, then." Killua deadpanned, and Gon laughed.

"You can have some of mine, you know."

The white haired teen narrowed his eyes, looking between Gon and Gon's mug before putting his own aside.

"Take a really big drink and then put your mug on the end table, okay?"

Gon beamed at him and did as he said, chugging the beverage. After a while, he moved it away, and let out a long breath.

"Alright."

Killua moved forward, kissing Gon, with his arms wrapped behind Gon's neck.

Mouths opened, teeth clacked, and after a moment, Killua moved away.

He had pushed Gon down onto the couch and was holding himself over him, legs straddling Gon's hips.

"Was hot chocolate the only reason you kissed me like that, Killua?"

Killua smirked and kissed him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote a TNT verse HisoIllu short piece for anyone who's interested: Every Waking Moment→ http://archiveofourown.org/works/4435040


	13. My Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is sex at the beginning to make up for the bad things everywhere else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the plot twist I was talking about. Forgive me.
> 
> And chapters three through eight have been looked over.
> 
> But anyway, look how much better I got at sex, yeah?

Gon's bedroom was bigger than Killua's. And so was the bed. Of course, that was to be expected, being that Killua's was equal to two thirds of a full bed while Gon's was two times his own.

"How do you sleep in my bed?" Killua asked, laying down on the soft mattress. "It is absolute bricks compared to this."

"It's not that bad," Gon replied, leaning down over him. "Because I'm next to you." Killua flared his nose.

"Sap."

"It's the truth."

"You're a pile of tree sap."

Gon kissed him, the two only touching at their lips. Which, actually, frustrated Killua to no end, because he liked Gon's hands, they were warm. They were comforting. They held him together when, half the time, he wanted to fall apart.

Gon's lips persuaded his own to open in slow movements that gave way to a passionate kiss, with tongues and soon enough, fingers began skimming down Killua's sides.

This time, Gon's shirt was the first to come off, and Killua began kissing his shoulder and neck and the junction there in between. Gon let out a small sound that was halfway between Killua's name and a moan.

Gon was completely on top of him, and one of Killua's legs was hitched up on his waist, casually intertwined with Gon's own leg and pulling him in, closer to Killua. Gon's hand was spread out, tan on the pale leg.

Slowly, Gon pulled off Killua's sweater, static clacking as it moved past his ears and hair, which became messier than before from the static, and almost looked like it was imbued with lightning. They took each other's hands as the sweater was discarded to lay beside Gon's shirt, entwining, encompassing, becoming.

Clothed hips rocked together, before the knotted fingers became undone, followed by the buttons of jeans.

Their movements were slow as the revealing of skin, but in time, the two wore only their skin, Gon still hovering over Killua as he pressed small gentle kisses into the pale flesh.

Killua grasped, hands perched on Gon's shoulders, as the larger took both of their cocks into his hand, twisting and stroking. Both of their breaths were synced in heavy huffs, both letting out moans.

"G-Gon," Killua wrapped his arms around Gon's neck and kissed him, feeling his arousal coiling like an angry viper in his stomach. His body was hot, sweaty. But so was Gon.

Gon was a furnace, even more so at this moment, of gasping breath and fluttering lashes.

Killua tasted him, felt every bit of him against his skin.

"Killua..." Gon breathed against his lips, hand wrapping around his body, finger pressing inside.

"Ah!" Killua squeezed his eyes shut, hands now fists on Gon's neck.

Gon's finger pressed further, arching, making him squirm, before another was added.

"...beautiful," Gon muttered, his lips ghosting over Killua's shoulder.

A third finger was added and arched, and Killua arched as well, his chest pressing up against Gon.

"R-ready. Come on." Killua moved, locking his legs behind Gon.

Gon removed his fingers, using them to instead hold himself up, as he entered Killua in a single thrust.

"Ah! G-Gon. Sh-shit. Fucking."

"S-sorry," Gon's eyes were full of concern, but before he could stop or say anything more, Killua pulled him close and kissed him.

"Don't apologize, you dork."

When Killua gave the okay, Gon started to move, wrenching out small sounds from the other, gasps, groans, and the rare choked-back "ah."

While he moved inside of Killua, he also stroked his cock, causing the angry viper that took up residence inside of Killua's stomach at the beginning of the exchange twist and grow hotter until he couldn't bear it anymore.

"G-Gon! Let m-me-"

"Not yet," Gon's voice was low, mouth beside his ear. "Just a little bit."

"F-fuck, Gon. You better f-fucking let me, ah!"

Inside of him, Gon came. Shortly after, Killua did as well.

"Shit. You fucking dork, come here." He spread his arms wide as Gon slipped out of him.

"You want me to hold you?" Gon asked him. Killua shook his head.

"No, you topped me. So I'm going to hold you, that's how it works."

Gon smiled at him. "Is that an excuse I hear?" Killua chuckled.

"It's no such thing, now come here."

* * *

 

Killua woke up in the middle of the night with sticky skin and aching hips.

"Ah, boy," he muttered. "Haven't felt like this in years." He smiled into the darkness of the room before turning over, reaching out. And realizing that Gon wasn't beside him.

Killua sat up, narrowed eyes peering into the darkness, looking to find any light that may clue him into where Gon went.

The bedroom door was slightly open, light from the hallway shining as a straight line into the room. Killua got up from the bed, grasping the end table for a moment as his legs shook, weak. He laughed softlt and waited until they could take a little more of his weight before he slipped his boxers back on and ventured toward the door.

He heard hushed voices the moment he stepped outside the room.

"No," was one of the clearer things he heard. "I don't want to wake him." Killua continued down the hall and looked around a corner to see Gon at the door.

"Nice going there," said another voice. A familiar voice, but Killua couldn't place it. "He's already awake."

Gon looked behind him and saw Killua at the corner. He gave him a sweet, sunny smile before walking over to him.

"Hey, Killua," he said softly. "Sorry about this, I'll be back in a little bit." Killua leaned forward to glance at the man by the door.

He had spiky black hair, like Leorio's, a round face, and Killua could've sworn he'd seen him somewhere before.

_"You got your rat to follow my kid?"_

Killua's eyes widened. Oh. It was that guy. The guy he saw before Bisky's talk show.

Killua pushed past Gon, not caring how he was currently dressed, and faced the man.

"Whatever you're doing here," he told him, hand on the door, "he's not interested. Goodbye." He started to close the door but was stopped by the man's shoe.

"He's not interested, is he? He was singing a different tune five months ago." The man retorted, and Killua blinked.

The man in the doorway smiled and pushed the door open, stepping past Killua and into the apartment.

"Sorry, did I not introduce myself?" He held out a hand. "Hello, my name is Ging Freecs. Nice to meet you, Mr. Zoldyck."

Killua stared at the man's hand, not able to move. His body was suddenly too heavy, and he could only turn his eyes away from the hand and look at Gon.

Who looked as mortified as Killua felt.

"You see, Gon-"

"Stop..." Gon interrupted, his hands balling into fists at his sides.

"He's been ignoring me for two months."

"Please..."

"But I probably have all the information on you that I need from him."

Killua took in a shaky breath. "Information?"

Ging smiled. "You see, when it comes to ending the Zoldyck legacy, one has to find their weak point. That's you, Mr. Zoldyck." He nodded to Gon behind him.

"I needed to know things that only your closest friends would know, so my rat and I came up with a plan. You'd never expect sweet, naïve country boy Gon Freecs to be so good at lying."

Killua turned his gaze back to Gon again. "Gon, you..."

"So I know everything," Ging continued, ignoring both of them. "The drugs, even the hidden Zoldyck."

Killua couldn't listen anymore. He pushed past Ging and returned to Gon's room, pulling on his pants, his sweater.

"Killua!" Gon called out, racing down the hall after him.

When he opened the door, Killua saw only his sad expression.

"What," Killua said, ignoring the look on Gon's face. "What do you fucking want? Do you want to know more tell your asshole father?" He buttoned his jeans and straightened out his hair.

"Please, Killua, let me tell you everything."

Killua turned to face Gon, looking into his eyes. "Get out of my way, Gon."

Gon took a step to the side, and Killua pushed past him.

"Please, listen to me!"

Killua grabbed his jacket and hat, ignoring Gon's pleas until he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"You had five fucking months to tell me what was going on, but you didn't. You... You  _exploited_ my trust, and for what? A pat on the head from dearest dad who's been absent for a majority of your life?" He shoved his arms into the sleeves of his jacket and pulled the hat over his head. "I'm leaving. Goodbye."

"Killua..."

He pushed past Gon and Ging and left the apartment door open on his way out before going as fast down the hall and stairs as he could.

"Fuck," he muttered, feeling his throat close up. And when he tried to breathe, he felt something wet on his cheek.

"Fuck, no." He whispered, wiping away the coming storm.

He pushed open the door to the apartment building and welcomed the cold air of the autumn night.

His fingers fumbled as he pulled out his cellphone and turned it on.

'I should text Kurapika, Senritsu, Leorio, Illumi, somebody...'

His fingers flew over the keys.

"Killua, wait!"

Gon ran out of the apartment building, catching up to him. He took Killua's shoulders and spun him around. By then, the text had already been sent.

"Killua, please hear me out."

The white haired teen shook his head, feeling a few more tears run from his eyes.

"Fuck you, Gon," he said softly before pulling away, running away.

'Meet me at East and Fifth.'

* * *

 

Killua sat at the corner, hat and hood covering his hair, arms covering his face.

"Hey. I haven't heard from you in a while. Did you run out?"

He didn't say anything in return but held out a hand. The man laughed, and Killua glanced up from his arm.

Even through his teary vision and low light, he could see that the man was wearing the same leather jacket he was two years ago.

"Money first, punk." He said. "I'm not gonna let it slide, especially since you owe me for last time."

"Do you have anything stronger than D2?"

The man laughed again. "Kid, everything I have is stronger than D2, I'm surprised you lasted so long on that shit, to be honest." He pulled something out of his pocket and placed it in Killua's hand.

"Try this next time. First one's on me. Just like last time."

His fingers curled around the pill, and he nodded. "Thanks, Rammot."

"You still owe me for the D2, though. I'll get your money later. I got other people to sell to, that are in the shit deeper than you are."

The man in the red leather jacket disappeared down the street, and Killua looked at the pill in his hand. It was sleak, more like a red Nyquil tablet. Printed onto it in white were devil horns and a forked tail.

"Why the hell not," Killua found himself muttering before he slipped the red pill between his lips.


	14. Why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua has a moment with friends.
> 
> A moment with Kalluto.
> 
> A moment alone.
> 
> And finally, a moment with Maha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, commenters, please continue doing what you're doing.

When his eyes fluttered open, he was looking up at a white ceiling.

"Killua, thank God you're awake."

He couldn't immediately place the voice, and threw an arm over his eyes, rubbing them as he sat up.

"What the hell were you thinking?"

He moved his arm and glanced around him.

Illumi, Kurapika, Leorio, Hisoka, and Senritsu.

They were all with him.

"Hey, Kurapika," he said slowly. "Did you kick Gon's ass?"

All five of his companions were silent for a moment, exchanging looks with confused faces.

"Why would I?" The blond blinked. "Killua, he's been worried sick about you. Going around town looking for you."

Killua scoffed. "He doesn't have the right to be worried about me." He pulled his legs up to his chest and set his chin on them.

"Of course he does. He's your boyfriend, isn't he?"

Killua closed his eyes, clenching his hands into fists. "After what he did?" The tears began to flood his eyes again. "Kurapika, is this what betrayal feels like?"

"Killua," Illumi spoke with a soft voice, coming closer to him and setting a hand on his shoulder. "What happened?" Killua turned and buried his face into his brother's chest, both of his long arms encased him.

His fingers gripped the fabric of Illumi's shirt. It was a dress shirt, but Illumi didn't seem to mind that Killua was crying on it.

"He's a fucking lying bastard. That's what happened." His voice was muffled.

"Try to explain without cussing, Killua." Illumi soothed, hand smoothing down Killua's hair.

"He lied. He lied. Everything was a lie."

Behind him, Killua could hear the sound of someone getting up.

"That's it," he heard Kurapika say. "I'm going to him and hearing what happened straight from him."

"He'll lie to you," Killua moved away from Illumi, faintly noticing a large damp spot on his shirt. "He was in league with his a- his father the whole fu- the whole time."

The front door slammed shut.

"His father?" Leorio sat down next to Killua on the couch as well. "But he never knew his father..."

"I don't know. They seemed pretty buddy buddy when they were talking to each other at Gon's apartment, you know." His words were laced with an angry sarcasm.

"You should at least try to understand-"

"Apparently, Leorio," Killua stood from the couch, "Gon isn't the... how did he put it... nn... Never mind. But he's not the person that you used to know in high school, okay?"

"Killua, sit back down, okay?" It was Senritsu who spoke this time, her voice soothing as always. "Please. I'll get you some tea." She went to the kitchen, and for the first time, Killua realized that he was not in his own apartment, but in Hisoka's house.

"Why is it that I've woken up after a trip in your house twice?" He asked the red haired man, who grinned and shrugged.

"You always end up around my house. And might I add that you weren't acting very flirty today, are you responding differently to the drugs?"

Killua blinked, his face and throat burning with shame.

"Killua?" Illumi placed his hand on Killua's shoulder again, but the younger pulled away.

"Apparently. Like you know, I don't know what I do when I'm high." He grumbled.

"From what I saw," Hisoka supplied, "you were crying and hitting things. You threw a few punches at me when I saw you."

Killua looked down at his knuckles and saw that they were a little raw. "What was I hitting?"

Hisoka hummed, tapping a finger against his chin. "When I saw you, it was a telephone poll." Killua winced. Illumi's arm returned to his shoulder, pulling him close.

"Is there anything you want to tell me?" Illumi asked him, and Killua nodded, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles.

"But only if Hisoka and Leorio leave."

Illumi nodded before looking up, giving the two a death glare. Leorio stood from the couch and left, ruffling Killua's hair on his way out, while Hisoka simply grinned at Illumi before following him out.

"Senritsu will be back soon, is that okay?" Illumi asked, running his fingers through Killua's hair.

"Yeah, I want her to hear this too."

After a moment of waiting, Senritsu stepped out of the kitchen with a steaming cup of tea in her hands, and handed it to Killua, who accepted it, setting it on his lap. No matter how long he looked, the dark tea reminded him of a cup of hot chocolate...

"Here you go." She said as she sat down beside him, her small hand resting on his arm.

"What is it you wanted to say?" Illumi asked him. Killua took a deep breath.

The words rammed up, one after another, inside of his throat.

"After I... well... I'll admit that I yelled at Gon. But he  _did_ lie to me. After I ran away from him... I texted Rammot." He paused, fingers flexing around the mug in his hand. "He met with me and told me that I owe him for the D2... And he gave me a different pill."

"What did it look like?" Illumi asked him. His voice wasn't angry, and Killua thought it should have been.

"I... I don't really remember. I just remember thinking 'why not' when I took it..." Killua ran a hand through his hair, pushing back the silver bangs. "I'm sorry. I should've texted one of you guys, but I was a mess. I was crying, and I wanted some kind of relief..."

Senritsu's hand squeezed his arm tenderly. "I'm not going to say that what you did was okay," she said to him. "But I am going to say that I forgive you, and that if you ever do it again, I'm telling Kurapika." Killua chuckled and leaned over, pressing a kiss to Senritsu's head.

"Thanks, Ritsu."

"Similar here, only I'll tell dad."

Panic shot through Killua, before he took in a deep breath.

"Yeah," he nodded, still scared out of his wits. "I'll deserve it by then."

He took a long drink of the tea and closed his eyes.

* * *

 

The Zoldyck manor, in this light, looked like a haunted mansion from one of those scary movies Kalluto liked to watch. All that was missing was lightning flashing across the sky, a scream of terror, and maybe a few bats.

The shed beside the Zoldyck manor looked even more so. The shadows cast by the trees darkened it, and made it look like one of those cabins serial killers would hide in.

Killua shook the thoughts out of his head and opened the door. No, the only thing hiding in here was-

Sitting on his easel was a painting.

Yellows, golds, whites.

And caramel.

Hiding in here was only his painting of Gon, smiling at him, spotlighted by the lights that were installed.

Killua felt the sorrow rise up in his chest once more.

In the corner of his eye, he saw movement, shifting his attention, his expression softened.

"Hey, Kalluto."

The seventeen year old looked up, and flashed him a quick smile before going back to what he was originally doing, shuffling through Killua's paintings.

"What are you looking for?"

"Grandpa wants the painting of him with a dragon on his chest to show off to ladies."

Killua blinked a few times. "There isn't a painting like that..."

Kalluto glanced up at him. "Which ones of grandpa do you have?"

Killua thought about it for a moment. "Well, there's the one with you, the one with mom-"

"Is there any with an attractive woman next to him?"

Killua sighed. "Is he using my paintings to get with models from York Shin again? I swear to God, that old man-"

"Japon."

"What?"

"They're from Japon this time."

"Wow. I'm not even surprised anymore." Killua shook his head. "He wants a painting to impress girls? Okay, give me a moment. I can think of something."

He walked to the other side of the shed and shuffled through the paintings there.

"This one." He nodded and pulled it out. A painting he did a long time ago of his grandfather when he was young. It looked a lot like Zeno did now anyway.

Kalluto nodded and took the painting from him.

The seventeen year old's light eyes, purple, he loved the color, he loved painting the color, drilled into his core.

"Something is wrong," Kalluto stated. It wasn't a question. Killua shrugged stiffly.

"You don't have to worry."

"Yes, I do; I'm your little brother. You can't tell me not to worry about you."

Killua smiled at him before reaching over and ruffling Kalluto's hair. "I know."

He moved away from Kalluto, walking over to where he kept his paints and blank canvases. Arms came around his waist, and he felt a face pressed into his back.

"I love you, Lu-nii," came Kalluto's muffled voice. "My loony Lu-nii."

Killua couldn't hold back his smile.

* * *

Kalluto had left the shed thirty minutes ago, and Killua was sitting in a corner, his easel facing away from him, with his head rested against his arms.

The painting was only so far...

He was almost glad he was looking away from it. Then he wouldn't have to see Gon. Smiling. The fragile care he took in shading.

He wouldn't have to look at that beautiful liar's face.

In his mind's eye, he saw it.

Black, and red, and white.

He'd only need those three colors.

Killua stood, ready to go across the room to where he stored his paints. To look for the perfect blood red...

And then he paused, remembering what his great grandfather had requested of him.

Browns. He'd need brown, and green, whites, yellows...

A small smile replaced the sad frown on his lips.

He'd start on his painting of Maha, then.

* * *

He stood for the longest time in front of his painting of Gon. Staring at it, before he plucked it from the easel and set it down by the other paintings, against the wall.

And even though he could still see it, out of the corner of his eye, he focused on the blank white canvas in front of him, that would soon become his  great grandfather, whittling on his stool.

He brought his pencil up to the canvas and made his first stroke, working completely off of memory.

* * *

 

The door to the shed creaked open, a little past eleven in the evening.

"Your friends are messaging you."

Killua jumped at the sudden voice behind him, before he turned around. His great grandfather was looking at his phone, which had been abandoned and put on silent across the room.

"Looks like two fellows want to talk to you."

Killua smiled softly and shook his head, turning back to his art.

"What are the names?"

The older man laughed a little. "Boyfriend and Momfriend."

Killua pursed his lips. "I'll read them later."

He heard Maha walk across the floor closer to him, and then something plastic bumping into his ribs.

"Read them. You can work on my death portrait later."

Killua set the pencil down and turned to face Maha. He was small. Age had shrunk him to be shorter than Kalluto. He looked old.

"It's not your death portrait," Killua stated simply, gently tapping his great grandfather's nose. "Because you're not going to die. It'll be your twin because you'll both be over there whittling, you hear me?"

Maha smiled at him and shook his head.

"Sometimes, Killua, things have to end. Whether it be a life," his eyes drifted down to the phone, "or ignoring someone because they hurt you."

Killua looked at the phone as well, before sighing.

"I'll read them tomorrow. It's late."

"Then you should be getting back to your apartment to get some sleep. My painting can wait."

Killua smiled at his great grandfather and leaned over to kiss him on the head.

"Good night then, Maha."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, Killua was supposed to destroy the painting of Gon in this chapter.  
> Now, I don't know about you, but I'm really glad he calmed down.


	15. Did I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurapika comes back from talking to Gon.
> 
> Alternate Title to this chapter: The Momfriend Riseth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm crying because you guys are _**talking**_ to me, and it just feels so good.

He woke up on his stomach. Arms over his head and his hair ever the vague cotton ball of white fluff that it ever was.

He was uncomfortable and moaned thoughtfully, before he heard some noise from the living room, talking. Glancing over he saw the door was open.

Because luckily (for Senritsu), his apartment had thick walls.

"Is he awake?" He heard, blinking at the open door. Kurapika's voice.

'Oh, right. I never checked his message...'

He was about to reach out for his phone to see what Kurapika had texted him before the blond himself showed up his door.

"Mornin', Pika," he drawled. Not quite awake yet. "Hey, hey. You know what I just thought of? It's a play on words with your name-"

"Killua, I really need to talk to you, can you please-"

"Boku no Pika." The tired, silver haired teen started laughing hysterically. "Do you get it?"

"I need to talk to you about Gon, okay? Shut up, already."

Killua didn't stop laughing, and Kurapika sat down on a part of the bed he wasn't occupying.

"Are you high or something?"

"No no no, I just woke up." The white haired teen sat up in the bed, rubbing his eyes.

"Are you going to listen now?" Kurapika asked him carefully, and Killua nodded. "Because it's about Gon." Killua nodded again. "Alright, I'm just checking, you were really upset yesterday, so I didn't want you to freak out or anything. So, I talked to him directly."

"Pika!"

"Shut up, someone had to do it. I was ready to hit him, of course. But I heard him out first. You're not wrong, for the way you reacted. You were angry, and I understand why you would be. Maybe taking the drugs was a little much, but you were angry. And Gon feels guilty. He's felt guilty for months."

Killua frowned at his blanket, fingers clenching and twisting the fabric.

"If he felt guilty, then why didn't he say anything." He grumbled, and Kurapika reached out, placing a hand on his shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"If he had told you what had happened, what would you have done?"

Killua shied away from Kurapika's fixed stare.

"So you see, even though it was stupid to do it in the first place, he didn't want to tell you what he did because he didn't want to lose you."

"He told his father about Alluka, you know." Killua stated. "I can forgive him telling about the drugs. I can forgive him blatantly betraying me. But Alluka? If he hurts my siblings, my family?" He gave a soft, bitter laugh. "I'll rip his head off."

"Killua, I understand where you're coming from. But can you please talk to Gon? Do you remember what I said? Back then? I want you both to be happy. So talk to each other, and even if you don't get back together, maybe neither of you will be miserable."

Killua nodded, fingers letting go of the blanket.

"Yeah. Okay, I'll talk to him."

* * *

Everything was set up by Kurapika. So, of course, they were sitting in the back of Kurta Coffee.

Just a few months ago, the two were sitting here, with Gon resting his head on Killua's shoulder, and Mito-san smiling at them.

Now, the two sat on separate couches, Killua drinking a mocha, and Gon clenching his fists. Then unclenching. And clenching again.

"How are you?" Gon asked him carefully, looking up at him, gaze as soft as it always was.

"I've calmed down," Killua said, had it been louder in the cafe, Gon wouldn't have heard him. There was no edge to his voice, and perhaps because of that, Gon appeared to worry even more.

 Instead of outwardly expressing his feelings, Gon nodded. "I'm sorry," he said.

"It's funny that you think that's all it's going to take," Killua sniped, but calmly. He wanted to yell, shout, scream. But he couldn't, because they were in public.

"I'll tell you everything, and I'll even help the clean up..." Gon's voice died after that. Faded into nothing.

He didn't finish his sentence, but he didn't need to. Killua knew what he was going to say.

'Please, take me back.'

"You know," Killua said, "I used to look at you like the sun shined out of your ass." Gon started to speak, but Killua held up a hand. "I used to wonder how it was that somebody like you would give a damn about somebody like me, with all of my problems. And you know what? I never would have guessed. I never would have imagined that you were working with your father."

Killua took a long, deep breath, hoping that the rage that sizzled in his chest would die down.

"Killua," Gon started, "I'm not working with him. Not anymore. At the beginning, yes. I was, and I'm really sorry. But then I fell in love with you. You were all I thought about during the day. All I dreamt about at night. I stopped telling my dad things three months ago." He paused, the words seeming to battle within him. "I know that there's nothing I can do to make this up to you. I know there's nothing I can say. And I'm sorry that you always thought you didn't deserve me because the fact of the matter is that I don't deserve someone as radiant and spectacular as you."

Those caramel eyes rested on Killua's hands.

"Please, take me back. Let me show you how amazing you are."

Killua set the mocha down on the table in front of them with a slight clatter. His body slumped forward, and the heels of his hands pressed into his eyes.

"Shit," he whispered.

"Killua, are you okay?"

He felt Gon's warm hand rest on his cold shoulder.

"I wanted to be. I didn't want to cry when I came here. I didn't want to cry because of you again..." Killua's voice was thick, breathing shallow. "For so long, when I ran from you that night, I wanted to hate you. So it didn't hurt. So it didn't feel like my heart was getting ripped from my chest. But I couldn't. I couldn't hate you. And it only hurt more. Because even though you betrayed me and my trust, you betrayed hers as well. And that's what made me..."

There were hands on both of his arms. Warmth seeped deeply into his skin, his bones, his soul.

"Killua, whatever you did, it's my fault. I'm sorry."

"I did worse," he whispered, and he knew, from the sound of Gon breathing, that he was close enough to hear. "I was getting better, but I did worse." Gon's arms wrapped around him.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

* * *

 

"So what did Kurapika say to you? When he talked to you." Killua found himself asking Gon later, as the two were sitting in a park near Kurta Coffee.

"He told me to explain, and I did. Then he told me that what I did was rude, and I agreed." Gon's hand rested beside him on the bench. The space between the two of them was enough for another person to fill.

Killua's arms were folded across his chest, and he had his head leaned back, eyes fixed on the crimson, orange, brown, golden leaves on the branch above them.

"He told me that he wanted us to make up," Killua supplied after a moment of silence. "He said that he wanted us to be happy, whether together or apart."

"What do you want?"

"I want you to beg on your hands and knees for forgiveness," Killua answered with a teasing tone. Beside him, Gon stood from the bench. "What are you doing?"

The built teen knelt down in front of him and set his hands on the ground. Killua's face burned.

"No, wait! What are you doing?"

"I'm going to beg on my hands and knees for forgiveness, like you want," was the answer he got from Gon, who lowered his head as well. Killua shrunk back into the bench, looking wide eyed at the man in front of him.

"Please forgive me," Gon said loudly.

"No, you idiot, what are you doing? People are going to look!" Killua hissed, hiding his mouth in his hands.

"Please! Forgive me! I'm really, really sorry for hurting you!" He was nearly shouting by now.

"Stop it, Gon! Please!"

"I'm not going to stop until you forgive me."

"I'm not going to forgive you until you make it up to me."

Gon's head rose too quickly to be comfortable, a fallen leaf sticking to his forehead. "How can I make it up to you then?"

Killua leaned forward and plucked the leaf off of Gon's forehead.

"Help me fix it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for bearing with everything until now.
> 
> I'm going on a trip soon, so I'm trying to update as much as possible before then. If all goes as planned, we'll be into the third arc by then. ^-^
> 
> And I'll try to write as much as I can while I'm away ♡


	16. Ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gon and Killua go talk to Silva.

It didn't feel like months had passed when Killua sat in the passenger seat of Gon's truck again, driving through the gates of the Zoldyck manor and driving up the winding road. It had felt like mere moments, the familiarity of that moment still painfully clear in Killua's mind.

He remembered the heat of Gon's hand, their fingers intertwined. The way his heart beat strong and not cracked as it was now.

If he glanced over, he would've seen Gon's hands nearly white on the steering wheel, an excellent depiction of the tension brewing in the air of the car.

Honestly, he could barely breathe the air in, thick as it was. And the silence was excruciating, but neither of them had anything left to say. After the meeting that Kurapika set up for them, the two didn't have anything left. Because anything they hadn't said, the other already knew it.

Killua knew that, in their relationship, Gon had only ever lied to him in regards to his relationship with his father. And he knew, Killua was sure that Gon knew the very important thing that he never said.

'I wanted to hate you. But I couldn't because I still loved you. And it hurt.'

This time, there was no butler waiting for them as Gon drove up to the house. The truck slowing to a stop on the paved driveway in front of the towering house.

"Are you sure you're not worried?" Killua asked him as he turned off the car. Gon pursed his lips.

"I'm actually really terrified. I mean, I wanted to meet your parents, yeah, but not like this."

Killua laughed softly. "Don't worry; it's just my dad. And it's not like he's going to drag you out into one of the far reaches of the forest and shoot you. Despite what he might threaten."

Gon blinked. "He won't?"

"Of course not. He owns multi-million dollar company," Killua said. "If you do end up dead, it'll be Mike or Gotoh that does it." Killua then got out of the car. Hearing a stuttered out "wh-what" as he closed the door.

It took a while for Gon to actually get out of the car after that, and Killua patted his back.

"Don't worry. You won't end up dead," he reassured Gon. "I won't let you die."

"You sure?" Gon looked at him, and Killua found his gaze looked on those beautiful caramel eyes.

"Positive."

* * *

 

Killua, with Gon shifting from foot to foot out of anxiety behind him, knocked on the door to Silva's office. He'd been inside the office very few times, and all he could remember from those short endeavors was that the walls were painted a strange bluish grey.

The door opened after a few moments, and Killua gave his father a smile. Silva looked between the two, brows knit.

"What do you want?"

"We need to talk to you. It's very important."

"... How important?"

Killua pressed his lips together to think of an answer, but it was Gon who spoke.

"Ging Freecs and Pariston Hill."

Silva's blue eyes flashed menacingly before he stepped out of the way, returning to his desk. Killua paused, never having heard the second name before that moment, until he felt a hand on his shoulder, and Gon was guiding him inside.

Slowly, the two made their way to the desk, standing in front of it while Silva sat down. Killua looked back and noticed the Gon had also closed the door to the study on the way.

"Wait, clarify for me. Who's Pariston Hill?" Killua spoke up before the other two could say anything more.

"He's a photographer for _Zodiac_ magazine. The very photographer that took the picture of you in that club," Silva explained. Killua nodded, thinking for a moment before his eyes widened.

"Wait, a photographer?"

Gon's hand tightened on Killua's shoulder, and he had almost forgotten it was still there.

"I think it may have been him when you were by that park."

Killua's brows crinkled together. "But I wasn't doing anything outside the park."

"And how does the bastard fall into this?"

The two nineteen year olds blinked in confusion for a few moments.

"Wait, you mean Ging?" Gon asked after a while.

Silva nodded.

"He was finding out information about the family to ruin our reputation." Killua answered.

"How was he getting that information?"

"We don't know ye-"

"From me," Gon interrupted Killua and earned a cutting glare from Silva. "But he only knows a couple of things..."

Silva's fists clenched in anger. "Are the things he knows enough to hurt us?"

"N-"

"Probably," Gon interrupted Killua again.

Silva's gaze moved to Killua. "Why are you trying to lie to me?"

Killua's own gaze met Silva's. "Because I want your anger to be directed at me and not him."

"But he betrayed us."

"That doesn't mean I hate him." Killua's hands clenched into fists. "I can't hate him, so I'm trying to protect him."

"What did you tell Ging?" Silva's question was directed to Gon, but his tone was softer, not as dangerous as it was before, and Killua let out a relieved sigh, fingers relaxing.

Gon's hand dropped from his shoulder and brushed against his hand, those adept, warm fingers entangling once again with Killua's.

"I told him about Killua's addiction. And about Alluka, though I didn't go into detail, sir. And I deeply regret telling him anything."

Killua's hand tightened around Gon's, his thumb rubbing gently against Gon's.

At his desk, Silva sighed. "And you two came to me so I can clean this up, is that it?" His gaze fell on Killua once more. "Because there is no way I'm letting someone who betrayed us into the family."

"Well, I'm still mad at him," Killua answered. Before he paused. "Wait, what do you mean by letting him into the family?"

Silva blatantly looked down to where their hands were entwined, causing Killua to tear his hand away and cross his arms over his chest.

Gon didn't seem to know what to do with his hands, so they simply hung limply at his sides.

"I'll do anything I can to help you fix anything my father messes up," he says, and Killua looked up at his face.

"You'll do anything?" Silva seemed to laugh at that. "What if the only solution was to find dirt on Ging that worse than what he has on us?"

"I didn't meet him until I was eighteen. Is that good enough?"

Both Zoldycks seemed surprised by Gon's statement, the younger's eyes opening slightly wider, while the older sat taller in his chair.

"Don't you think that leaving your kid on some island somewhere is worse?"

Silva let out a sigh. "I'm afraid that drugs are still worse than abandoning your child." Killua's face burned with shame. Gon's hand found his once more, and he was pulled closer.

"And what are we going to do about Alluka?" Killua speaks up, squeezing Gon's hand.

"If Ging decides to let that piece of information spread, we'll tell the truth."

Killua nodded. "Are you betting that he'll be focused on the drugs?" Silva nodded.

"Would you be willing to tell the truth about that?" Silva asked him, and Killua grimaced, nose scrunched and eyes narrowed.

"I don't see how the truth is going to help things. It's not like me having a drug habit is a lie, and we both know the truth isn't going to fix anything."

"Do you have any at your apartment, Killua?"

The silver haired teen shook his head. "I haven't gotten any more D2 since the time Illumi had to come over."

And the thing was that it wasn't even a lie.

But what made it worse was that Silva accepted it and didn't ask any more questions.

And that Gon squeezed his hand, his burning hand making Killua's sweat.

* * *

 

"Hey! Big brother! Gon!"

Killua looked down the hall when they stepped out of Silva's office, toward the shouting voice of a certain seventeen, soon to be eighteen, year old girl.

"Alluka!"

She threw her arms around Killua, and he hugged her back.

"How's my favorite little sister?"

"There's a guy at my school who wants to go to prom with me." She answered with a large smile.

"It's only November, though. Isn't that not for a few more months?"

"Well, he has to save up for the tickets and a suit, and mom said that if he can do that she'll give me money to go dress shopping with Senritsu."

Killua smiled and ruffled Alluka's bangs a little. "That's awesome. Have Kurapika meet the kid though. I don't want him to be a player or a liar."

Alluka's gaze drifted from Killua. "Why are you wincing, Gon?"

Killua looked back to find Gon's eyebrows rising and his eyes widening.

"My jaw locked, and it hurts a lot." He answered.

"Well, I guess you'll tell me later, then. Are you heading back to your apartment, big brother?"

Killua nodded, giving one last hug to his wise little sister before they said goodbye.

* * *

 

Killua leaned back into the soft leather seat, his fingers drumming in the metal panel beside the window.

"How close am I? To being redeemed?" Gon asked him suddenly, causing him to glance over to the other.

"You're at possible."

Gon smiled. "Possible is good. Possible sounds close."

Killua smiled as well, turning to the window, watching the lights of the city begin to turn on as the sun started to sink in the sky, red light filling the truck, as one of Gon's hands slowly reached out and took Killua's.

And Killua didn't shy away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Killua never learned how to drive.
> 
> (I'm just going to leave fun facts about the TNT world at the end of the chapters from here on because there are so many things that I thought of that I can't really fit into the story directly.)


	17. Let You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Senritsu finds Killua's picture in _Zodiac_ magazine.
> 
> They deal with it the way the Zoldycks deal with anything. (No, not murder.)
> 
> And then Killua has a heart to heart chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're at the second to last chapter of this arc. I hope you're liking it ^-^

Killua had his feet up on the couch and a bowl of overcooked ramen on his stomach, the heat from the noodles seeping through his sweater and warming his stomach gradually. He'd have to move it at some point but not now. Right now, he had no problem with it. In fact, with December creeping closer, he was glad for the warmth.

And the ramen, well, he could never hate ramen. Ramen was a gift from the heavens to him. Especially now when Senritsu wasn't home and Killua was famished. And especially when it was cheap.

The door to the apartment clicked as the knob turned and Killua brought his eyes up from the bowl.

Senritsu closed the door behind her, the rush of air that followed ruffling what she held in her hand. Her gaze fell on the couch, and her eyes widened.

"Good, you're here."

Killua sat up more, moving his bowl to the end table. "Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?"

Senritsu didn't answer his question, instead, diverted his attention by pushing a magazine into his face.

"Oh hey, that's me," he said, pointing to the photo on the page. Him, in his coat, standing by the street. "This is from the other day..."

"Read," Senritsu sat down beside him on the couch, tugging her hat off of her head.

"Okay, then." Killua's eyes drifted down the page, skimming through the words. "I don't see what's wrong with this. They're just speculating."

"Speculation is how rumors start. Next thing you know, someone will be showing up in the media with a ten month old baby claiming it's your kid and that the two of you are engaged."

"God, don't even say that. It's scary to even think about."

Senritsu patted his knee. "Erase speculation, talk to the public of your own accord, tell them about almost everything."

Killua pursed his lips, narrowing his eyes at the far wall. "What if I get into an accident where I can't talk without great pain..."

"No."

He let out a soft whining noise, turning to Senritsu and giving her a sad look. "But what if I turn to ash when too many people look at me?"

"You'd already be ash by now, sweetheart. Talk to your dad. I'm sure he can set things up." Senritsu stood and glanced to Killua's bowl then at Killua.

"Yes, I'm going to finish that."

* * *

 

It began with a short, innocent text sent to his father. One that questioned, briefly and eloquently, about a possible re-appearance on Bisky.

The reply his father sent was just as brief and elegant:

'Go ahead.'

But to him, it was the affirmation of a decision that he wasn't too sure about.

That yes, he would go back on Bisky. That no, he did not want to, yet again.

His father sent him another text:

'I have Gotoh setting it up for Saturday.' To which Killua sighed, because it seemed that he'd always go on a Saturday.

He set his phone down on the end table and dropped his body down onto the couch. Senritsu wasn't home but at a practice for her concert coming up, and Killua would go, as he always did. Because there was something about the way that Senritsu played the flute. That instantly soothed one's body.

It was almost a gift whenever he caught her practicing with her door ajar.

Killua stretched out his arms, face buried into the pillow in the nook of the couch. Then someone knocked on the door.

He sat up, staring at the door for a moment, not wanting to get up and answer it. Another knock at the door, and Killua sighed and got up to answer.

He was a little shocked by who he found at the other side.

"What are you doing here?"

The words tumbled from his lips before he had an opportunity to stop them. Well, it wasn't like he regretted them.

"Senritsu told me to come over just in case you did anything stupid." The visitor, Leorio, of all people, walked past him with his hands in his pocket.

"I don't see how you could stop me from doing stupid things," Killua retorted, closing the door to the apartment, before turning and seeing Leorio on the couch, kicking off his shoes. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Making myself at home. Do you think you could bring out some crackers or something?"

"To Hell with you. You don't get a snack," Killua said as the other reclined. "And don't make yourself at home, dammit."

Leorio gave him a cheeky grin as Killua pulled his feet from the couch.

"Maybe you get to act like this in Kurapika's apartment, but not mine, you get it, asshat?"

Leorio shook his head. "My head would be hung over Kurapika's fireplace if I tried doing this at his apartment."

Killua shook his head and sat down. The moment he did, Leorio's feet settled on his lap.

"You should be so glad I don't have anything sharp right now because if I did I'd impale your smelly feet."

Leorio sneered at him while Killua frowned.

After a few minutes of wiggling his toes underneath his socks, Leorio removed his feet from Killua's lap and sat up straight.

"How are things with you anyway?" Leorio asked him. "And I don't mean you and Gon, I mean you. Like emotionally, physically."

Killua looked at the old man, eyes narrowing as if trying to look very close to see if there was anything on his face.

"Oh, come on," Leorio said, shoving him a little.

Killua nodded, and brought his legs up onto the couch, folding them cross-legged underneath him.

"I'm fine. Since you wanted to know so badly, I'm fine. Is that all?"

Leorio let out a soft huffed laugh. "How about some snacks then?"

"We don't have any crackers," Killua answered. "And even if we did, they'd be mine, so I'd tell you to get your grimy hands off of them."

Leorio frowned. "My hands are clean, I tell you. Yours are the dirty ones, all miscolored from paint."

"Screw you, I like it when my art gets on me. It's a badge of honor."

"Yeah, well, I don't want a badge of honor from my job. No thank you."

Killua blinked a few times, realizing in that moment how little he actually knew about Leorio. "What is your job?"

Leorio let out a single loud laugh. "How much attention do you pay?"

"Do you want on average or just when it comes to you?"

Leorio threw a decorative pillow at Killua's head. The white haired teen grinned and grabbed it from where it fell on the floor.

"Do you wanna go, old man? I'll throw your back out."

Leorio looked around himself. "Seeing as I don't have one, I'd be at an unfair disadvantage, so no. I do not want to go anywhere with you."

Killua stifled a laugh and leaned back into the couch, hugging the pillow to his chest.

There was a moment of shattering silence.

"Sometimes it feels like I can't look at him," Killua said suddenly. "Like if I do, I'll crack a little more. That if he were to be the one who comforted me, I'd only end up crying again." His grip on the pillow tightened.

"Again?"

Killua nodded. "I was crying really hard that night. It was the first time I'd ever felt that much pain."

He felt a hesitant hand press against his back, and he looked over to see Leorio giving him a look of concern.

"Don't look at me like that, you loser." Killua said, softly, moving away from Leorio's reach.

Leorio gave him a soft smile. "You know what always cheers Kurapika up?" The man got up from the couch. "I'm going to go to the store and I'm going to get some stuff. Wait here because when I get back, I'm going to make you Leorio's Chocolate Chip Cookies, patent pending."

Killua laughed softly. "You know, when you give them the name 'Leorio's,' it makes it sound less cool."

"Ah, quiet you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Killua ran track his first three years of high school. (He still has the themed shirts in his closet.)
> 
> Fun fact about planning: The following arc was going to have a storyline featuring a woman claiming to have Killua's child, but the storyline was dropped.


	18. Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The arc comes to a close.
> 
> Killua talks about Gon too much.
> 
> Hisoka metaphorically kicks Ging's ass. (Politics.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LAST CHAPTER OF THE GING ARC

The morning before his second appearance on Bisky, Killua was greeted solely by Gotoh, who carried no suit or formal wear.

For Killua, that was a relief. He gestured for the man to sit on the couch.

"Go wait over there; I'll get ready." He said, relaxed. He liked this atmosphere a lot better than last time's. It was calm, and there wasn't a small army waiting for him when he was done.

It was just Gotoh. And Gotoh was one of the few truly likeable butlers, next to Canaria. When he was younger, Gotoh would be like a father when his own was too busy- which was, basically, most of the time.

Killua got ready quickly, brushing out his hair as best he could, the layers of what was normally white fluff settling down into a general hair-like shape, and wearing something more comfortable than a stiff suit before it was time.

The white haired teen emerged from his room, and flashed Gotoh a smile.

"I get some form of caffeine, right?"

Gotoh smiled kindly at him, nodded, and, with a happy Killua in tow, led him out to the car.

For the long drive, it was just the two of them, and Killua ran his mind over what he wanted to talk about.

Because his father had specified in a text that he was only supposed to talk about his lover, nothing more. Which implicitly stated that he wasn't supposed to say anything about Ging, or any of the other crap that had been going on.

Killua reclined back into the leather seat. He had only one thing he could talk about.

Gon.

And hell, he could talk on and on about Gon because he still loved the guy.

Killua knew. He knew exactly what he was going to say.

* * *

He sat on the couch across from Bisky, and the pink-bedecked woman smiled at him, blond hair up in a bun with curling spirals framing her face.

"It's always great to have you on the show, Killua. Welcome back," she said, and the audience cheered. "Though," she started after the audience quieted, raising a finger, "I wish you would come down when there wasn't any gossip about you already floating around."

"You want to make your own gossip, is that it?" He asked her, lips rising in a grin.

Biscuit laughed. "Maybe a little bit, but that's not important. Today, we're here to discuss Killua's rumored lover. Now tell me, Killua. Is it true?"

"It is," he said with a nod.

"Now, some people think that you got yourself a lover because your brother is getting married, is that true?" Just like last time, Biscuit was leaned forward, as if the words about to fall from Killua's lips were warm food and she was a starving man in the dead of winter.

"Oh no, we were together long before Illumi finally decided on a date for that."

"Can you talk about your mysterious lover then?"

Killua smiled, nodded. Of course he could talk about Gon.

"The first time I met him, I was definitely attracted to him. The meeting was kind of... My friend's boyfriend knew him in high school, and the two have been very proactive in our relationship, it's pretty easy to say that they set us up together. But I can't even express how happy I am that they did. He's... wonderful. He's never once gotten mad at me if I did something stupid, and he's always there..."

"That sounds like anyone's dream, right there. He sounds absolutely perfect."

Killua laughed. "No, I wouldn't say he's perfect. He's a little embarrassing at times, and he steals my food more often than not. He takes up most of my bed, and he's really selfish sometimes... but he's really sweet too. And I just. I found myself falling for his flaws a long time ago."

"Do you know what this sounds like to me?"

The audience cheered, and Bisky stood from her chair.

"It sounds like we're going to expect another Zoldyck wedding soon!"

"Soon?" Killua asked, but was drowned out by the applause of the crowd. He shook his head, and the applause died down.

"No, no, no. I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but I'm not getting married soon. I'm still in college; he's still in college. There's no way that's happening." He argued. "Sorry, ladies. But not yet."

The last three words slipped out without his consent.

_**But. Not. Yet.** _

God fucking damnit.

* * *

It was the final day of November, a pre-winter snowfall was drifting down from the sky and settling into a thin white speckled sheet on the ground.

Gon was acting as his pillow, Killua's body draped over him with his legs up on the couch, and Gon's fingers running through his hair.

There's no sound droning in the background, and Killua can hear Gon's steady heartbeat. The two grow accustomed to the blessed and, finally, comfortable silence, until Killua's phone vibrates, and the two jump in surprise.

"Shit, man," Killua muttered, reaching for his phone.

A text from Illumi.

'Hello, Killu. You might want to turn on the news.'

His brow creased before he twisted his torso, looking around himself.

"Hey, do you know where the remote is?"

Gon looked down the couch before reaching uncomfortably to grab the long piece of plastic.

"Here," he said, handing it to him, and Killua flicked on the small television tucked into the corner of the room and changed it to the news.

On the screen, a pink haired newscaster was speaking, behind her two men took a stage.

When the camera moved to them, Killua instantly recognized them.

"Hey, that's-" Gon had started to say, but couldn't finish, the two of them watching intently.

"The debate will begin. Mr. Morou may start."

The camera focused on a man in a suit, red hair brushed back and that eternal smirk settled in his yellow eyes, as he turned to face the other man, who was none other than Ging Freecs.

"I have on good authority that Mr. Freecs is not fit to spend another year working with our city as a representative. He has poor leadership skills and is terrible at taking responsibility for his actions."

Ging stood up straight, still visibly shorter than Hisoka.

"And what proof do you have that any of that's true?"

Hisoka smirked, a curling blood-curdling smile forming on his lips.

"It's not something people generally know about Ging, ah, Mr. Freecs, but he has a son. Would you like to speak about your son?"

"I don't have a son."

Killua heard a painful laugh come from behind him, and he turned around, arms wide.

"Come here," he said, taking Gon into his arms.

"That's strange," Hisoka said on the television. "Because I have a picture of him, and he looks just like you." The man turned to the audience. "So you see, ladies and gentlemen, this man has no integrity. I have personally met and spoken to his son. If you may..." The screen behind the two men clicked on, showing a large picture of Gon. "He is most definitely Ging's son, who was left at a young age in the care of Ging's cousin."

Hisoka shot Ging a grin. "Sir, you are not taking responsibility. Now, if I may. The representative of this city should be a just man, who takes responsibility for his actions. Not Mr. Freecs." Hisoka nodded and stepped down.

The audience applauded.

And Ging had nothing he could say.

Killua's phone vibrated one more time, another text from Illumi.

'Doesn't he look hot in that suit?'

To which Killua rolled his eyes and put his phone down.

* * *

 

Gon was sitting beside Killua on the park bench he had dramatically asked for forgiveness by.

Their hands were linked, Gon's thumb running over Killua's knuckles while Killua sat beside him with a book he had borrowed from Kurapika. It wasn't much, simply a period romance that lacked the romance.

Gon seemed content in watching the clouds. Killua wasn't quite sure what he was doing until he got an elbow softly pressing against his ribs.

"Killua, look. It's snowing."

On December first, on that park bench, Killua closed his book and looked up to the sky, where small balls of white drifted down.

"It is," he said, before looking at Gon, who was smiling with the excitement of a child.

Killua leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheek, before turning back and slipping his bookmark into his book.

"We should go," he noted, getting up from the bench and sliding the book into his pocket. "It's going to get really cold really fast."

Gon nodded and stood, squeezing Killua's hand.

"So, that kiss just now..."

"Hmm, what of it?"

"How close am I now?"

"A step."

Gon stepped in front of him, and tucked his hands into Killua's pockets.

"So how's that?"

"Well, now I just have to forgive you for betraying Alluka, and you'll be all set."

Gon set his forehead against Killua's, noses also touching.

"You know I'll do anything."

"Yeah, and that's why I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Leorio is a really great cook. He can cook all kinds of food, but his favorite to make is cookies because they make the people he cares about happy.
> 
> And thank you all for the glorious comments, it's really nice to see what you guys think, and it's just really great to talk with you ^-^


	19. But You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gon, Ponzu, and Komugi argue about who's boyfriend is better.
> 
> Hisoka is being stalked by reporters.
> 
> Kurapika has a panic attack.
> 
> Apparently, Killua reads the comments.
> 
> The bell to Kurta Coffee rings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally back. I hadn't even realized that it had been a month since I updated until Cass had pointed it out.
> 
> I'm sorry for making you all wait. I've been busy and exhausted, but I will try my best to work around my schedule to give you guys chapters.
> 
> Thank you for your continuous support, and I hope you enjoy this next arc ^-^
> 
> Chapter warning: Actually realistic withdrawal description, and a painfully realistic description of scratching.... Just one painful scene really.

The thing about Gon was, above anything, he was hell-raisingly stubborn. Even people who didn't know him could tell, as he sat at a table in Kurta Coffee with two women in a heated argument, what he was. Even if, they only caught snippets of the argument. And as Killua entered the cafe, the bell chiming at his arrival, he could deem one thing.

Gon could be extremely passionate during an argument.

The teen was standing at the table, where a teal-haired woman and Komugi sat, speaking with his hands. And his mouth, of course, and even if his words were lost in the growling roar of the coffee maker, his hands still shouted, arguing.

"How can you argue with the fact that his hair is perfect?"

Killua glanced behind him curiously, as the table was by the counter where Killua stood, leaned against it, Pairo on the other side, mixing drinks.

"Have you even seen it? I mean, look, look. Over there. He has really great hair."

The woman with the teal hair shook her head. "But it's a mess. Have you seen my Pockle's hair? He's got great hair. It's so soft."

"Ratty too. I bet you Killua's hair is softer."

"Well, if we're talking about how soft their hair is, I think Meruem has the softest hair. If only he didn't shave it off all the time. There was this one time he let it grow out, and it was softer than a holy sheep." Komugi's voice chirped.

Killua turned back to Pairo and shared a look for a moment. "What the hell are they arguing about?"

Pairo shrugged. "I'm pretty sure they're having a 'My Boyfriend Is Better Than Yours' contest." He commented before going to the register, where a customer was ready to order. Killua sipped at his drink. The door to the cafe opened, causing the little bell on it to ring.

"I don't know why you don't want to be seen with me in public. I-" The words were cut off by the blaring of the coffee grinder, and Killua turned, seeing Kurapika and Hisoka entering together. Hisoka was still speaking, unperturbed by the noise of the machine.

Kurapika waved to Killua, walking away from Hisoka and taking the seat next to him. With a crinkled brow, Killua gestured back at Hisoka, and Kurapika sighed, holding up a finger.

The noise died down and the argument and other conversations in the cafe re-commenced. "We just happened to run into each other on the way here," Kurapika supplied. "He insisted on walking with me."

"And you don't want to be seen with him in public?"

"Would anyone? He's got hordes of reporters following him around trying to pry into his personal life, and I don't want them to label me incorrectly. I have my store to think of." Kurapika said blatantly.

"Speaking of," Pairo chipped in, "someone came in looking for you earlier. I didn't recognize him, but he left this-" he fished a small black plastic-wrapped candy from his pocket and placed it in front of Kurapika "-here for you."

Killua glanced at Kurapika, not understanding, until he saw the viscous edge in the other's eyes.

"Ah, it's him."

"I'll admit that Killua is a better boyfriend than Meruem when he can beat me in Gungi." Komugi's light-hearted voice cut through the angry tension Kurapika had caused.

"Meruem can't even beat you at Gungi."

"What, is Pockle not even a choice for best boyfriend anymore?"

"What is it, Pika?" Pairo asked, leaning against the counter, curious eyes tilted up.

"Killua..." Kurapika began, but was quickly cut off by Hisoka.

"Killu, can you help me for a moment?"

Killua ignored him. "Do you want to talk in the back where it's quieter?" He offered, and Kurapika nodded.

* * *

 

The blond's knuckles were pressed against his lips, turning both knuckles and skin white as snow and no doubt numb, as he leaned back against a cabinet in the backroom. Technically, the room was reserved for employees only, but since Killua was as close to a member of Kurapika's family as it got, no one really cared, as long as he didn't touch anything while he was back there.

Killua leaned back next to Kurapika. His arms crossed, his fingers gently rubbing the thread of his shirt against his ribs on his left side, the furthest from Kurapika.

"He wants to see me." Kurapika finally said after a long moment of silence.

"We don't know that for sure."

"Killua," Kurapika's hand curled into a fist, resting against his side. "I want to see him. I still... You know how I was after he left, and yeah, I can joke about it, and move on, but.... with him so close."

"What about Leorio?"

Kurapika sighed. "I know." He paused for a few moments, breath drawn in and out of his lungs carefully. "I love Leorio. I do. But him. Now that  _he_ is back, I feel like there can finally be that closure. We never had closure..."

Killua blinked a few times. "Be honest with me, Pika... Do you still love him?"

"That's the problem, isn't it."

"You know how it was before he left, Pika. You two were growing apart. You weren't happy; he wasn't happy. I don't want to see you like that again."

Kurapika glanced at Killua, taking in his eyes, light blue and like icy, determined crystals. Kurapika's own seemed to melt, the brown warming into a homely walnut shade.

"I'm glad you care about me that much, Killua, but if he does show up, I'm going to have to deal with it myself-"

"You're wrong," Killua interrupted, reaching out, touching Kurapika's arm. "You've got me. You've got Leorio. You've got Gon. You're not alone."

Kurapika replied with a smile that didn't reach his eyes.

"They're my own feelings. I have to face this myself."

* * *

Kurapika left the backroom first, a storm of angst and interior conflict leaving with him. As did the air in the room.

Killua found his legs giving into gravity, slowly and silently falling to the floor as he felt more and more tiny legs crawl across his skin. He let out a soft sound, a catch of air in his lungs and throat before he found his fingers pulling up his sleeve and trailing on his arms, rubbing his blunt nails along the pale skin, torn skin rubbing off, a cold, wet feeling on his finger tips. It didn't hurt. And it didn't relieve the feeling of legs.

This was different. It was different and he didn't like it.

He couldn't stand it.

He pulled his hand away, eyes catching sight of red beneath his fingernails. Blue eyes widened, an indecipherable emotion rushing through his being.

Not quite fear, not quite surprise...

He didn't understand...

But he knew one of the many that had surfaced. Need.

More accurately, a need for a certain...

Killua blinked and shook his head brutally. Illumi and Senritsu trusted him. Could he really betray that trust on a whim?

His heart twinged.

What was there to trust anyway?

'Nothing,' his mind whispered.

Slowly, reluctantly, Killua's phone was slipped from his pocket. Seemingly foreign fingers sent a single text message.

'Tomorrow. 8 PM. Same place.'

Then, only then, did all of those distracting, confusing feelings disappear.

* * *

 

Shortly after pulling his sleeve back down, to cover the tracks of his nails, Killua returned to the main room of Kurta Coffee. Pairo glanced over at him, concern blazing in his eyes.

"Hey, you okay?" The teen asked him, making Killua jump. Blue eyes darted over, meeting Pairo's. They weren't quite as light as Kurapika's. You could barely see the brown.

"Yeah. No, I'm fine. Don't worry about it." Killua turned away, looking to where Gon was now playing Rock-Paper-Scissors against Ponzu, with Komugi sitting quietly to the side, hands clutching the hem of her skirt.

"Killua, why were you in there for so long?" Killua heard from behind him.

"I just... had to think for a little bit."

Kurapika, now adorning his apron, with his hair tied back, patted his back.

"Solitude is dangerous for you, Killua. You should go join Gon. I think he just won you 'Best Boyfriend' position."

Killua chuckled and glanced over. Gon was grinning widely, eyes squeezed shut, with a winning fist to the sky. Caramel eyes opened and fell on Killua, glistening with pride. The type that said: "there. Right there. That is the World's Best Boyfriend. And if anyone wants to argue, I'm willing to fight."

Killua started to make his way to Gon, before, distantly, the door to the coffee shop rang. He threaded his fingers through Gon's thick strands.

"You know they would've agreed immediately if you were competing, right?" He whispered into Gon's ear.

Behind him came the sound of shattering china- a sharp, almost fluid sound. Killua turned quickly, his eyes falling on Kurapika, who's eyes were fixed on the entrance. Following his gaze, Killua nearly instantly felt an old anger resurface.

"Is that my welcome?" Came the smooth, almost seductive voice, of a man Killua never wanted to see again.

And from the look on Kurapika's face, he didn't seem to want to see him quite yet, either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Pairo and Zushi are friends and both go to school with Alluka.
> 
> Fun fact 2: I almost started crying at the end of the second scene.


	20. Came Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drama involving Killua, Kurapika, Senritsu, and an ex.
> 
> Gon is very confused.

The bastard's shoes clicked with each step. Each sound resonated through the cafe as he walked to the counter. Tap, tap, tap; it was almost annoying.

He had a slight- and in the right lighting and perspective, smug- grin on his face as he turned his dark eyes toward Kurapika.

"Your hair grew out. It looks nice."

Kurapika's wide eyes flickered to Killua, his brow creased, and mouth set in a frown- as if silently crying out for help.

"Of course it grew out," Killua spoke up quickly, his eyes drilling holes in the back of the bastard's head. "It's been two years."

"I definitely like it longer." A pale spidery hand reached out, two fingers carefully caressing a lock of gold.

"What do you want, Chrollo?" Kurapika asked him. A smile formed on his lips, and his hand moved, now laying on the counter and supporting his weight as he leaned across.

"I want to get you back," was the answer, which received a pale hand clutching the back of his jacket.

"Which means you need to go."

The man glanced back, charcoal eyes resting on Killua with an expression of exasperation.

"Are you still butting into his affairs like a little guard dog?"

Killua's fingers tightened, from pale to white as he grasped the jacket.

"Good to see that you still have a stick up your ass," Killua retorted.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you wanted Kurapika all to yourself."

"Or maybe I'm just keeping your grubby hands off of him."

Silence stretched from moment to moment; the two locked in a deadly battle of gazes, both eyes dancing on the edge of murderous.

"Killua," Kurapika's voice acted as a knife, cutting through the tension the two were making and capturing both of their attentions. Killua's eyes met Kurapika's and fell upon an eerily familiar determination. "I told you, didn't I? I'll handle this. You should go steady Gon; he looks like he's about to pass out."

Killua nodded, sparing Chrollo one last look before moving away from the two.

From a distance, Killua could easily gauge the levels of one-sided affection meeting steel walls of pride.

A light pressure rested on his arm, making Killua wince and wonder for the briefest of moments if he dug too deep. But not deep enough it seemed, as he could still feel it- that crawling sensation on his arm, arms. His legs. His face, neck, back-

"Who is that?" Gon asked, tugging Killua back into reality. The white haired teen looked back to Kurapika and Chrollo.

"A fucking bastard who never should have sauntered into this cafe, is who he is."

Gon's hand tightened around Killua's arm, triggering a hissed breath.

"Let's go, Killua. Kurapika has this handeled..."

Killua's instincts rose up on their front legs- likening to a menacing beast, teeth bared, claws gripping into the ground before it.

He blinked his eyes, that were narrowing, focusing on Chrollo. He forced himself to calm, to move away from his instincts and find an anchor.

Gon's hand.

 _This is why,_ his mind told him. _This is why you have to go see Rammot. This is why you have to go get that pill again. You're crazy. Uncontrollable without it._

The one rational voice in his mind was drowned out by all the rest.

"Yeah," Killua agreed, nodding, turning to Gon, facing his worried eyes. "We should go."

Gon's hand moved down his arm, and his fingers closed around Killua's. Soft lips brushed Killua's cheek.

"Let's just take a walk. It hasn't snowed all that much, so it won't be like climbing over giant snow drifts." Gon tugged him a little toward the door, and Killua nodded.

The cold air would do him some good.

 He was sure it would. It had to.

* * *

 Killua's fingers and nose were red and aching as he and Gon stepped into the threshold of Killua's apartment, the door clicking shut behind them.

Warm hands grasped Killua's arms; he could feel them through his jacket.

"No walks for a while," he said, rubbing his hands together, hoping the friction would get the circulation going. "It's getting way too cold."

When he looked back, he saw Gon smiling at him.

"What?"

"It's nothing. I'm just glad you're happy enough to complain about heat."

Killua chuckled. "The lack thereof, you mean."

"Yes, the lack of heat." Gon's hands slipped underneath Killua's jacket, resting on his hips. "Take off the jacket, and I'll make some cocoa." Killua's eyes flashed, and he grinned. Gon smiled back and shrugged off his jacket before disappearing into the kitchen.

Killua pulled off his own and laid it on the arm of the couch before falling back onto the couch, grabbing a blanket to wrap around himself and kicking off his shoes.

"Hey, Killua." The teen in question glanced up, seeing Senritsu lingering in the hallway. He smiled at her and lifted an end of his blanket.

"Ritsu! Sit! I bet you're warm."

She softly laughed, a warm smile gracing her lips before she joined Killua, breath hissing through her teeth as she did so.

"Ah, you're freezing."

"I am, and you're warm." He shifted closer to her, burying his face into her shoulder.

"Don't use me as a heater," she scolded, causing him to laugh.

"Shh, it's working, though."

"Do you want cocoa too, Ritsu?" Gon called from the kitchen. She smiled.

"Please."

Killua closed his eyes, leaning against Senritsu, siphoning her heat.

Moments passed, as if the world were a flip book, and a poorly done one at that. To Killua, every movement seemed sudden, as if, one moment, Senritsu's hand was resting in his hair, and the next, it was on his shoulder, rubbing circles into his skin and muscle.

The next moment, he was being pushed up, away from the lulling sensation, and handed a cup, brown steaming liquid inside, and looking into Gon's eyes as the teen wedged in behind him. He blinked before taking the beverage.

Ah, that's right.

He'd almost forgotten that Gon was making them cocoa.

All the same, he smiled at him and settled back into his warmth.

"Ah!" Gon let out, wrapping his arms around Killua. "You're freezing!"

Killua laid his head back on Gon's shoulder. "I'm always cold; you just don't notice it."

"You're warm when you're with me."

"I'm warm because I'm with you."

When Killua looked up, he saw a look on Senritsu's face, one that he could very easily define.

"What's up, Ritsu?"

"What were you guys out in the cold so long about?"

Just as Killua opened his mouth to speak, Gon answered.

"Killua needed to get some air."

"A lot of air," Killua supplied. "Because of Chrollo."

"Chrollo?" There was a crack in Senritsu's voice when she spoke, and Killua found his attention drawn to her.

"Ritsu..."

"Why are you upset about Chrollo?" She asked him.

"Ritsu... Don't you remember what happened?"

She shook her head. "No, I.... I'm sorry. I told him..."

"Wait," Killua stood, setting his mug heavily on the coffee table and throwing the blanket down onto Gon, who quietly protested. "You talked to him? Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you say he was back?" He took a quick breath, eyes fluttering closed.

"God dammit," he muttered, fists clenching.

"Killua, calm down."

"This fucking-"

Killua was tugged back down onto the couch, still fuming.

"I'm sorry." Senritsu said, and Killua looked back up, seeing her sad eyes.

"Ah, my weakness." He said with a small smile tugging at the edges of his lips. "It's not your fault, Ritsu. You didn't know."

"Was he the person you were meeting with?" Gon asked, and when Senritsu nodded, it clicked with Killua. 

Chrollo must have been planning this. Planning his way to get Kurapika back.

But Killua needed a little more faith in Kurapika, he realized. This was probably precisely why Kurapika hadn't wanted Killua to get involved because it was, in the end, Kurapika's life, and Killua had no right to intrude.

"Kurapika knows best," Killua said aloud, because they all knew that he was right.

"So while he's taking care of himself," Gon pitched in, "you and I can go on dates, and be a rational ear if he or Leorio need one."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Machi became a news reporter, and she was featured in chapter 18.


	21. Like a Bird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was supposed to be really straightforward about drugs. Then it wasn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all continuous support! ♥
> 
> Sorry it took so long for this chapter to come out. Thank all of you readers, new and old, for your unexplainable patience.
> 
> Chapter warning: Like woah, very dark. Approach with caution.

His eyes wouldn't focus.

_Wouldn't? Couldn't?_

His fingers shook, or was that his sight?

Killua folded his hands together, not feeling them trembling but seeing it.

He sucked in a thick breath, feeling the legs, millions of tiny legs crawling down his throat, filling his lungs, swimming in his blood stream and in his cells.

He had some pills.

He'd practically thrusted a wad of cash at Rammot, paying his past dues and purchasing new ones.

Lots of new ones.

He wouldn't run out. Couldn't run out. Shouldn't run out.

He couldn't. Not possible.

Killua shook his head, leaning back against the alley wall, arms curled, knees to his chest. The weight of the bag in his pocket was crushing.

It was betrayal.

It was salvation.

His own salvation.

Shaking- not shaking- fingers dipped into the pocket of his hoodie, fishing out the plastic bag filled with little red pills.

 _Tiny Devil's Wink,_ Rammot had called it. The drug could give you euphoria in one pill. An addiction after one time. The dealer had also mentioned that Killua's need came from his past addiction. From those weak little white pills.

The not shaking hands pried open the plastic bag, before they fished out a pill.

Little red pill, long, fluid. A lot easier to take in a dry swallow than D2 was.

For a moment, a brief moment, a moment full of internal quakes and doubt- and need- Killua wondered if he should take it. As he always did at this point.

Something deep in him, buried, always screamed that he shouldn't.

Something else, laying six feet more shallow within him, drowned out all the protests, in favor of the feeling.

Killua pulled his hood further over his hair. What he always wore to these excursions. Couldn't be found out and destroy his father's reputation, now could he.

After a brief second of blue eyes unfocussing, pale fingers slipped the red pill into the thin lips.

* * *

 

It was different, always different, than when he'd taken D2. With D2, he'd grown accustomed to the white world it had brought him to.

The world of the  _Tiny Devil_ was different.

It was like reality amplified. Sounds were sharper, surfaces louder, voices rigid, and ground silent.

The sirens in the distance sounded more like some pop song. The cars rolling past sounded like someone popping bubble wrap.

Killua felt as though he could melt into the wall. As though he could become a part of it, a moving piece of art.

Blue eyes sparkled.

Art.

Putting his hands into the pocket of his sweatshirt, he stood, the world spinning, swirling, colors melding together.

Like a painting.

The world was a painting.

He found himself humming along with the colors and brushstrokes that made the world, with the strokes of his feet as he walked, as he stepped, he painted. As he painted, the world got texture, the ridges of his brush.

The cars drove past him, leaving streaks in the paint, mixing the colors together almost carelessly.

It was calming.

This new world wasn't bristling like the stark white.

Everything moved slowly. The world played soft music for him, a melody that followed his steps, his mood.

Melody.

Senritsu.

The music rose in an eerie crescendo. The paint darkened.

He wouldn't tell her about this, of course. He only did this because he had to. Because of the legs.

For a moment, his hand skimmed over his arm.

It didn't hurt, like he expected it to, even though it hadn't even been long enough to heal since he scratched his arm open.

Killua decided he liked this drug.

His mind was clear, clearer, clear enough. Clearer than it had been before he took the pill.

It wasn't such chaos.

It wasn't such euphoria.

It was clarity.

And the clarity was clouding. Painted smoke curled over his feet and crawled up his legs, swirling and encompassing him like a cage.

Killua couldn't move, and it actually scared him a little.

In the distance, he could hear a steady drum beat, each shaking the ground.

Killua's fingers closed around the bag in his pocket, filled to the brim with the  _Devils._ Without looking, he opened the bag and took out another, his body shaking with every strike of the distant drum.

And without thinking, without consideration, another red pill slipped into his lips.

* * *

His bones were cold, arms shaking, despite the blanket that seemed haphazardly draped over him as his eyes drifted open.

He didn't recognize his surroundings.

It was an apartment. The walls were unpainted, the furniture seemed worn, and the blanket covering him was faded. Killua sat up, his head groggy, world spinning and dancing around him as he blinked the grey spots from his vision.

Panic swelled within him. Disoriented, confused, and having no idea where the fuck he was, Killua was scared. His hands shook as he wrenched the blanket off of him, pleased to see that he was wearing all of his clothes, before he stood, shoving his hands into his pockets, and feeling a small plastic bag, his ears perking as he listened to the crinkle. He pulled it out a little, glancing at it. Relief flowed into him when he saw the little red pills staring back at him.

All that was left was to leave.

Securing the bag in the safety of his hoodie's pocket, Killua wandered, glancing this way and that for the door that would hopefully lead away from this strange place and not deeper into it.

He found no door, only a mirror.

Killua whipped around before something caught his attention. His reflection wasn't quite what he expected.

His lip was cut, a bruise had formed on his cheek, and a slash from a knife ran from his right eyebrow to his hairline. His breath caught in his throat.

It was bad.

It was so very bad.

How the hell was he going to explain this to Gon? To anyone?

A door opened behind him, and he turned, heart lurching anxiously in his chest.

But it was an old man.

Killua blinked a few times, trying to catch his bearings when the man cleared his throat.

"Good to see you're awake," he said, giving Killua a guarded smile. "You were so beat up I thought you were going to be out for at least until tomorrow morning, at best."

"Where am I? Who are you?" The questions spilled out of him, and he still had so many others that he held back. The man nodded.

"You can call me Isaac, and this is my home." The man, Isaac, leaned back against a wall. His hands folded in front of him.

"Isaac," Killua relaxed slightly. "Why am I in your home, then?"

"You were beaten up pretty badly, and I brought you here. What do you remember of the fight?" Isaac asked, his position solid as he flashed another tight smile.

Killua looked away from the old man and tried to focus. He couldn't remember... much. At the mention of a fight, the memory came in flashes of pain, blood, and the flash of gold.

"Did you see it?" Killua asked, hoping that the man could tell him something about what had happened.

"I did."

"I can't remember much," he confessed, "but was one of the people I was fighting... did they have a golden piercing?"

"Yes. I believe one of the men had a piercing on his eyebrow, the same that cut yours." Isaac shifted his weight, kicking off from the wall. "Anyway, would you like something before you leave? You've been unconscious for a while, and I can only imagine how hungry you are."

It was true that Killua could feel the hollow discomfort in his stomach, but with a shake of his head, he ignored it. He'd imposed enough, and if he truly had been gone for a long time, he should really be getting home.

"Thank you for your hospitality, but I should be getting home." Killua said, giving the man a grateful smile.

Isaac nodded. "Alright. Please be careful on your way home. Don't fight anyone." Killua chuckled.

"I won't, believe me. I'm already roughed up enough."

* * *

 

He closed the door to his apartment behind him carefully, hoping deeply that it wasn't too loud. Between now and the time that he'd gotten high, around twelve hours had passed, making it two in the morning now that he finally walked into the apartment.

It was eerily dark and quiet, though he supposed this was just how the apartment was this late at night.

He pulled his hood off of his head and pulled off his shoes, leaving them sitting by the arm of the couch, before he went down the hall.

He entered his room, pulling his hoodie over his head, hearing quietly the crinkling of the plastic bag before he cast the hoodie to the floor.

In the shadows of the night, with only the moon lighting his room, Killua easily saw a figure in his bed. Thick arms curled around his pillow; the guest's face buried into it as well. Killua laughed quietly to himself before he shed his jeans and pulled the pillow from the arms.

Caramel eyes flickered open and met Killua's face.

"Hey," Gon muttered sleepily. "Where've you been?"

Killua ran his fingers through Gon's hair before laying down next to him. He was quickly taken into Gon's arms.

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

Gon's nose pressed into his neck, and Killua winced when he pressed against a bruise on his arm.

"You'd tell me?"

"I'll tell you what happened in the morning. Right now, I just want to sleep."

_Sleep and think. And try to figure out what I'm going to tell you..._

 

* * *

"You stumbled into the apartment after getting mugged, and you didn't think you should tell me?" Gon's hands were cupping his face, examining his injuries, his thumb rubbing carefully over the bruised cheek.

"Yes, because you would've just fussed over me last night, and I wanted to sleep."

Gon's eyes were sad as he pushed Killua's hair back, his eyes rising to the cut from last night.

"Do you remember what they looked like?" His voice was laced with violence, and Killua frowned at him.

"Gon, no. Stop." He pushed Gon's hands away from his face. "Anyway, I don't really remember what happened. Only bits and pieces, but it's alright because it's not going to happen again. _And_ I didn't have anything on me, so they couldn't have stolen anything."

"Still..."

Killua leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Gon's cheek. "Do you want to get some kind food from the kitchen?"

"Senritsu's cooking something, we could just wait until she's done..."

Killua nodded. "Just don't fuss over me. You'll be on your ass if you fuss over me."

Gon laughed quietly. "You wouldn't do that, and we both know it. You  _like_ being fussed over."

Killua shook his head stubbornly, before he gave Gon another quick kiss on the cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: Alluka is transgender. The only difference between this and canon is that the Zoldycks support her indefinitely.  
> (Besides, it would be a little hypocritical to support Illumi and Killua being homosexual and not support Alluka.)


	22. Borne Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just a really info heavy chapter. I imagine that the next few will be, but we'll see.

Senritsu examined his face over breakfast, which was waffles- Killua's personal favorite of all things Senritsu had ever cooked, which were sadly neglected as she turned his face from side to side. Looking at the scabbing on his forehead and lip, to the bruise on his cheek, her lips were pursed; her eyes were narrowed.

"I don't like it," she stated plainly, focused on his bruised cheek for a moment.

"Nobody likes it," Killua groaned, eyes drifting to the breakfast that was currently being denied from him. Senritsu released his jaw, and he pulled his plate closer.

"Should we cover it up?" Ritsu mused, but Killua shook his head, tapping his temple with the butt of his fork, drawing her eyes to the cut in his forehead.

"It's going to be there for a while," he pointed out, "and anyway, I think it makes me look a little badass."

"Losing in a fight?"

Killua frowned. "There _were_ two guys." He argued, but Senritsu ignored him, standing.

"I'm going to get the first aid kit. We need to bandage up that cut on your forehead; it's not pretty." She announced before leaving the ditchen. Ditching him in the ditchen. Killua chuckled to himself.

_God, I need to stop._

Gon passed Senritsu as she left the room and he entered. He gave a quick glance to Killua.

"So, what does Doctor Ritsu say?" He asked before sitting down next to Killua. The white haired teen looked over to him, into those peaceful caramel eyes.

"That I need to cover it up. It's all scabbed over though," he said, turning away and absently picking at the wound. "I'm not sure how much good wrapping it up now will do." Gon reached up and pulled his hand away, cupping it in his own.

"Well don't pick at it; it'll only scar then."

Killua found his attention brought back to Gon.

"Sorry," he muttered, saying nothing more than that. Gon's eyes, however, as always, were gentle and kind and loving when they met his. And it hurt. It jarred a needle-like pain through his heart.

"It's not your fault," Gon replied, and good lord, he just _had_ to make it worse, didn't he?

Killua placed his hand over Gon's and tightened the one trapped between them into a fist before he let himself fall toward Gon's chest, eyes closed.

The hands fell and rested in their laps as Killua buried his face.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He repeated, squeezing Gon's hands, which shifted and encased both of his.

"You don't need to be sorry about anything, Killua."

Those moments slipped past, and Killua could only sit and watch them go before Senritsu re-entered the room. She carried a small white box with her that she set on the table.

"Alright, Killua." She said as he pulled away from Gon, who kept a firm hand on Killua's. "Let me take a look at your forehead."

"I don't think I trust any of the stuff in that case anywhere around me, whether I'm injured or not." He said, eyeing the case wearily. "I feel like that crap in that thing will make it worse."

Senritsu rolled her eyes and let out a long sigh. "There's no crap in here, I assure you. It's perfectly safe."

"That's what the crazy doctor says before he injects you with the zombie serum. I'm out of here." Killua started to stand, but Gon pulled him back down. Killua looked over to his boyfriend, a feigned look of betrayal on his face. "You're working together to start the zombie apocalypse! I knew there was something up here!"

"Yes," Gon answered, shaking his head. "That's exactly what we're doing. Be our zombie king."

Senritsu chuckled and pulled some gauze and rubbing alcohol from the case. "It's the easiest way to heal your wounds, so sit back and let the virus enter you."

Killua shrugged and leaned back into the chair. "Just as long as I can be the zombie king. That'd be fucking awesome."

Senritsu emptied some of the rubbing alcohol onto the gauze and pressed it against his scabbed forehead. Killua winced, only slightly. He let out a muffled, but creative, curse.

"Oh don't be a baby, Killua." Senritsu scowled, dabbing the gauze harder into his forehead and making him hiss.

"Maybe be a little gentle?" Gon spoke up, his caramel eyes flickering up to Senritsu's. She chuckled and the pressure receded. Killua let out a sigh of relief as the dried blood was carefully cleaned off of his forehead.

Senritsu's lips pursed one more time as she surveyed the now clean cut.

"Okay, there. The cut was pretty shallow, so it doesn't seem like it will bleed anymore than it already has." She moved back and began packing up and closing the kit.

"Ah, thank God," Killua breathed out, leaning once more against Gon.

"Just, please, Killua. Don't get into anymore fights. Gon and I can't really stand the thought of you getting hurt."

Killua looked up to Senritsu. Her bottom lip stuck out, quivering. Her lashes fluttered. The white haired teen sat up, pushing away from Gon.

 "Ritsu. Hey." He reached out to her, and she took his hand. "I promise. It won't ever happen again."

She nodded and placed another hand over his, encompassing his with hers.

"I will hold you to that. I swear to God that I will, Killua."

* * *

Snow was coming down like rain, though not as hard. It was in moments like this that Killua was ardently happy that he never learned how to drive. He preferred, more than anything, having to deal with slick pavement, rather than slick asphalt.

Gon's hand was warm in his. The crazy bastard was barehanded, while Killua wrapped himself up in a scarf and mentally dared the cold to come anywhere near him.

The town was decorated in lights as they walked through the suburbs close to Killua's apartment. Red, blue, yellow, green, and white lights laid dormant against the piling snow, waiting for night to fall so they could shine.

Red, blue, yellow, green, and white.

A scene played deep in Killua's mind and seemed to be reflected against the snow as he stopped in front of one house, draggin Gon to a stop beside him.

_First, he saw the dark brick wall of an alley, he heard a melodic crunching of shoes, somewhere far beyond him before he turned._

_He couldn't see their faces, but he clearly saw thick, long white hair, and a yellow sweatshirt. Two figures, a tall, thick one, and a shorter, about as tall as Killua, lean-_

"Hey, Killua. Are you okay?"

His body quaked as he was pulled from his mind. Quickly, he looked to Gon, whose caramel eyes were gazing into him. Killua blinked a few times.

"Sorry," he muttered. "Yeah, I'm okay. Sorry. My mind drifted off a little; it was weird."

Gon smiled brightly. "Good then. You still want to go get some hot chocolate from Kurta?"

"Is that even a question? Of course."

* * *

When they got to Kurta Coffee, their cheeks were red from the cold, and Gon had stolen some of Killua's scarf. It was a long, thick purple thing that his mother had made for him, and he sort of felt like a madman when he wore it, but at times like this, it was nice.

Killua threw himself down into a chair far from the door while Gon went up to the counter to order two cocoas. Behind the counter, Pairo grinned at Killua as Gon walked to the table he claimed before he set to work.

"Hey, that's funny."

Killua looked back to him, confused. "What is?"

"This is the table you were sitting at when we first met."

Killua let out a soft hum. Five months and some number of days ago on July 8th, that was true. He was frustrated and withdrawing and there was Gon. And Gon brought so much pain, comfort, sorrow, joy, and he'd never change any of it for anything in the world. Okay, except maybe that whole thing with Ging, but even that was for the better, now that he thought about it.

Zeno once told him that for bones to be strong they had to break. That was a long time ago, when he was eight and had just fallen down the stairs of the manor and broken his leg.

To think of it as him and Gon, they could get stronger. Every couple fights, every couple has disagreements. Someone gets angry at someone else. He was happy. With Gon, anyway. They'd broken, but now they would ne stronger.

He felt Gon's warm hand rest on his thigh as the bell on the door to the coffee shop rang.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Killua didn't look.

"Hey." He stood at the front of the table before he set his briefcase down on it and dropped his body into the chair. "This week has been exhausting."

Gon gave him a sympathetic look. "How's Kurapika doing?"

"He's stressed. At points I'm worried that he's going to rip his hair out, but he's adamant on taking care of this himself."

"That freak is still here?" Killua muttered angrily, frowning at the bit of wall behind Gon's head.

"He wants to win Kurapika back, but that isn't going to happen. I just can't wait to get a look at the guy so I can see that look of 'I'll never win against this hunk Leorio!' on his face." Leorio leaned back in the seat with a victorious smile on his face, folding his arms behind his head as he did so.

The bell rang once more, causing the three of them to look up once more.

Killua frowned, and Leorio's brow creased.

"Who's that?" Leorio asked blankly.

" _That_ is the guy who will apparently become intimidated by you." Killua answered. Leorio looked back at Chrollo, who was talking with Pairo at the counter.

"Fuck, he's gorgeous."

Killua shrugged. "Hey, at least you have a great personality." It was certainly something Chrollo didn't have, at least as Killua saw it.

Leorio directed his frown at Killua, who shrugged once more and raised his eyebrows. The older man sighed.

"I'm going to talk to him..." Leorio stood, a hand on the back of his chair as the door opened once more.

The world seemed to lapse into silence for the people involved and paying attention to the scene. In that tense moment, Killua reached down and took the hand that rested on his knee as he watched the three in what was almost like an old western standoff. He almost expected a tumbleweed to roll through the cafe.

"Kurapika. So nice to see you again." Chrollo spoke first, a smile coming to his lips. However, Leorio moved first, walking past Chrollo to Kurapika, pulling him close, and kissing him hard on the lips.

"You left before I could say good morning," was all Leorio said when he pulled away.

"Yeah, good morning." Kurapika replied before walking past both of them and retreating to the back room.

"Um... Gon, your drinks." Pairo spoke up, a little unnerved from the tension which Gon easily broke by walking between the two men and taking the cocoas and walking back through them to the table. Chrollo broke eye contact with Leorio and turned to Pairo, whispering something to him, dropping a black shape on the counter, before pushing past Leorio to leave.

The moment Gon got back to the table, Killua stood up and steered him to the back room.

* * *

Kurapika was pulling his hair back into a ponytail when they entered the back room. Brown eyes flashed over to them before Kurapika shook his head and dropped his hands.

"Honestly, I take you back here once, now it's like you own the place."

"Are you okay?" Killua asked, his voice unwavering and firm. Kurapika looked at him for a moment, blinking once, twice, before he looked away and sighed.

"Maybe? Honestly, I want Chrollo gone and for everything to go back to the way it was." The blond slipped the strap of his apron over his head and tied it behind himself. "But I also know that he and I have a few loose ends that need to be tied. And that won't happen unless I put in an effort."

"You could tell him," Gon spoke up. "So that you're not the only one who's trying. You don't have to be the only one bearing this."

Kurapika shrugged dejectedly. "I know. But how else will this be finished and over?"

Killua couldn't break his eyes from Kurapika. It felt like waves of emotion were pouring from him one after another, and not the positive kind. But what Killua couldn't believe was the fact that now he understood. Kurapika had them to lean on, and he was aware of it. But he chose not to.

"Alright," Killua said, with a nod, and Gon looked over at him, confused. "If you really think it's for the best, then do this your way."

"Killua..." Gon's voice wavered.

"But," he held up a finger, giving Kurapika a steady gaze. "I can assure you that any trial you face will be easier if we all- Leorio, Gon, and I- bear that with you."

Kurapika sighed and gave Killua a tired smile. "I'll think about it. Definitely."

Killua grinned, satisfied and tugged Gon along with him as he walked back to the door, before he turned back to Kurapika.

"And you should talk to Leorio. I feel like he's losing faith that he can keep your affections from Chrollo." He noted, and the blond nodded.

"Yeah. I'll talk to him."

Killua smiled at him once more, before pulling Gon through the threshold back into the main room of Kurta Coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm definitely writing a fluffy Leopika for this verse soon. I'll tell you guys when it's done.
> 
> Big hints on who he fought in this chapter. What are your guesses? (Yes, they're characters from HxH)
> 
> Fun Fact: Leorio's apartment is fairly empty, being that he hardly spends any time there. He's always either at work or Kurapika's.


	23. By The Wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Answers to questions I don't know if you have or not and a few tying of loose ends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know how I said 65 was the last chapter update? Haha, apparently not. 99 now. Yayyy.  
> Thank CielPhantomhive and my own weakness for that.

His head pounded painfully when he opened his eyes that morning. He glanced quickly to the window and frowned because it probably wasn't morning, and he was by no means going to incline himself in any way to look at a clock because this bed- and Gon's arms- were too comfortable and warm to even think of doing anything like that.

But he knew what had woken him up, and it bothered him. A lot.

In his head, he still saw it, that scene playing out, melding almost seamlessly with another from his past.

In one, a painted man was growling at him, the rings on his fingers glistening as the light of the moon struck them and reflected into Killua's eyes. As he swung his fist toward Killua's cheek, he was no longer a man but a teenage boy with blond hair and angry eyes. In his dreamlike world, the two were one and the same to Killua, but he knew it wasn't right. He knew they weren't. But he certainly couldn't explain, and he had no idea who the fuck out there could explain a dream.

The problem was, however, he knew who the boy was. It was from a time when he was clear headed, so of course he knew. He couldn't even see the face of the man from that night. It was too... blurry.

No, that didn't seem like the right word. It was more like, Killua was looking at the man, but he wasn't looking at his face.

He rubbed at his eyes and slipped carefully out of Gon's arms. In response, the other let out a soft whine, but he was still, thankfully, asleep. Killua slipped out of the bed and grabbed his sketchbook and a pencil (which took longer to find than he wanted to admit) and left the room, door open behind him as he went to the dining table, clicking on the light. He glanced at the clock on the wall.

2:16 in the morning. Killua made a face but turned his attention to the sketchbook, ignoring the time as he set his pencil against the page.

He started slowly; his memory guided his hand as he tried to recall exactly the way the man's jaw was shaped, how thick his arms were. At this moment, Killua could only remember a pose. He remembered the way the man punched.

One foot back, dominant hand swinging toward him. It wasn't a very unique pose- Killua grazed his fingertips over the bruise on his cheek- but it was a damn efficient one.

He turned back to the drawing. He remembered the man's hair. White, long, spiky. He remembered a square jaw, broad shoulders and...

Rings. Right, his rings. He wore one on nearly every finger. And there was something off, Killua remembered thinking that. There was something weird about the man's fingers.

They were thick and knobby, but there was something else.

His fingernails. They had been filed into points.

With a frown, Killua tore the page out of his sketchbook and set it to the side as he tried to recall the second man. His pencil hovered, frozen above the page.

He had to start off slowly, again, just like he did with the other faceless man.

First was the body, Killua knew that the man was lean and tall, if only because of the flashback yesterday, but also that he was the one with the piercing. Quickly, he sketched an ear on the man, giving it a small hoop earring. He could remember much about him, really. Only that he was the one with the earring and the knife. What else about him? What did Killua think was strange about him?

His head began to hurt from trying to remember. Killua glanced back at the clock. 3:02. The white haired teen let out a quiet groan as he got up from the chair and flicked off the lights, retreating back to the bedroom, to the warmth of the bed.

He closed the door quietly behind him before his eyes drifted to the discarded sweatshirt on the floor. From the other day, he knew. He also knew what was in the pocket.

His heart beat rapidly as he crept toward it, trying to steady his breath as his adrenaline spiked, fishing the plastic bag full of pills from the pocket. Holding the bag gingerly, in an effort to minimize how much it crinkled, he stretched across the floor toward the bed, where Gon was still sleeping, squeezing a pillow tightly. With his eyes fixed on the sleeping figure, Killua curled his hand under the bed and felt the frame, fingers dancing along the wooden beams before he got to the corner, where just a little bit of fabric had come undone.

It was enough though, and Killua slipped the bag underneath before crawling over Gon -and mentally shouting at himself for pushing his bed against the wall- and slipping into his arms, warming his cold limbs against Gon's warm ones while he drifted back to sleep.

* * *

He was woken again, later in the morning, by careful and strategic kisses placed on his face. One to his nose, his cheek, his forehead, his eyelid, his chin. But never his lips. It was probably the irritation that Gon had kissed basically everywhere else but there that had woken him up.

Without opening his eyes, Killua reached up and grabbed Gon's face before pulling it closer, slotting their lips together comfortably. After Killua let his hands slip away and eyes open -slowly, though, he was still tired as all hell- Gon pulled back and smiled at him.

"Good morning." Those caramel eyes sparkled at him, and Killua curled into his chest, his eyes closing once more as he focused on the steady thump of Gon's heart and the gentle quakes of his laughter.

"How the hell are you so chipper in the morning?" Killua groaned, burrowing closer to Gon's chest.

"Maybe because I woke up next to you?" Gon said as he curled around Killua and ran a hand through his hair, curling the white tendrils around his fingers.

"Not buying it, you sap of tree."

Gon laughed once more. "You're not a morning person today, are you?" Killua's arms curled around Gon's torso and pulled him closer.

"I woke up at two because of a dream." He said into Gon's chest.

"Dream?"

"Memory."

Gon didn't say anything more but curled his body, pressing his lips to Killua's forehead.

"I drew them though," Killua muttered quietly. "After the dre-memory. The drawings are on the ditchen table." Gon chuckled. Killua glanced up.

"Nothing, it's just. Still really adorable that you say 'ditchen.'"

Killua held back a laugh as he shuffled closer, entangling his own legs with Gon's and breathing in his scent.

* * *

"Wow." Gon's eyes scanned over the drawings, his hand rested loosely on Killua's hip. "These are kind of amazing."

Killua frowned and nicked a page from his grasp. He looked over the drawing once more- it was the lean man.

"It would definitely be better if they had faces, then maybe we could actually figure out who they are." He said softly, looking at the drawing. "I'll keep them though. In case I do remember what they looked like. Though I assume that, if I don't remember by now, when will I?" He set the page back down on the table, a motion that was set to the tune of the ruffling page.

Gon reached out and grabbed his hand, startling his attention over to the dark haired teen. "Do you want to remember?" Gon asked quietly. "I know that you've been saying you do, but do you really want to know what happened during the fight?" Those caring caramel eyes drifted up to Killua's face, dancing from his cheek to his forehead.

Killua sighed, dragging a chair loudly across the floor and sat with his knees touching Gon's thighs. "I want to know what they look like. It's been bothering me. I feel like it's important, but I don't know  _why_ it's important." He leaned forward, setting his forehead on Gon's shoulder, at an angle, so it didn't bother the bandage that was currently on it, and wrapped his arms around Gon's.

"I still don't understand." He whispered, his chin resting on Killua's head. "That's okay though. Do you think you've met them before?"

"Maybe? I feel like they recognized me, at least."

 _A large fist came at him, arcing through the air._ Behind it...  _The face was unmarked but still unknown. Killua hadn't even thrown a punch at him._

_But the other? He wasn't looking at the other guy, but he didn't seem to want to move back, despite the fist coming toward him._

The chipper, metallic cry of Gon's cellphone broke Killua out of his thoughts. He pulled back, banging his head on Gon's chin in the process, as the other was moving back as well, causing both of them to groan in pain.

Gon rubbed his chin as he answered his phone, setting it on the table, on speaker.

"Yeah?" Gon asked, glancing over to Killua, who was rubbing the back of his head.

"Gon? I have a problem." Leorio announced, his voice electronically distorted. "Kurapika isn't moving."

The two blinked at each other. "What do you mean he isn't moving?" Killua spoke up, his brow furrowed.

"I mean, when I got here, he dropped onto the couch and he hasn't said anything or moved yet." There was a short pause and some shuffling. "Well, at least he's breathing."

Killua reached out and took Gon's hand. "Do you think we should head over?" The question was directed to Gon, who nodded.

"If you think it will help." Gon answered softly, squeezing Killua's hand.

"We're heading over, Leorio. Who's place is it?"

* * *

Kurapika's apartment was more or less devoid of personality. There was a chair and couch, a television set, and a full bookshelf, which was lined with law books that had been bought by Kurapika's grandfather for him back in high school.

Killua smiled at the memory. The blond had been so excited and jumping up and down as he held one of the thick volumes that Killua was worried Kurapika might hurt someone with it.

Now, however, Kurapika was the exact opposite. He was curled up on the chair with a sad look on his face while Leorio returned to where he had been seated on the couch.

Brown eyes met Killua's almost immediately upon his entrance, and the blond shifted in the chair, bringing his feet back down to the floor. Neither Gon nor Killua moved away from the door.

"I have to tell him, Killua." Kurapika said, his voice tired, as if he hadn't been sleeping well, or at all, for the last few days. "It's the only way he'll understand."

Killua glanced to Leorio, for a brief moment before he nodded his agreement.

"Go ahead."

* * *

_Kurapika and Killua met by sitting next to each other in an art class. It was only by Killua's sheer stubbornness that they ever became friends._

_It was Kurapika's junior year and Killua's freshman. The blond had kept his head in the books since, at the time, he still wanted to be a lawyer. Killua was, as always, a little more of a free spirit than his blond friend. It was also Killua who had written Kurapika's phone number in a bathroom stall with 'Call for a good time.'_

_Kurapika met Chrollo his junior year on Valentine's day. Apparently, he'd had a crush on him and bought him a chocolate bar, that year's school promotion._

_Reluctantly, the blond agreed to go out with him, even though the whole time, Killua was against it. He had said many times that he had a bad feeling about the black-haired boy, but Kurapika didn't listen._

_It started out, as Kurapika would assume, just like any high school relationship. Though less obnoxious. And Killua hung around the two of them a lot as well, almost as though he didn't want Kurapika and Chrollo to be alone._

_Though it could have been the 'evil.'_

_Over time, they grew apart. When it came time for Chrollo to move away, Kurapika didn't think to much about it and ended the relationship quickly and cleanly. Or so he had thought._

* * *

"If that's how it went, then why did the man wait five years to take you back?" Leorio wondered aloud after Kurapika had finished the story.

Kurapika shook his head with annoyance, weaving his fingers into the blond locks.

"If I knew that, I wouldn't have this predicament, would I?" The blond asked irritably.

Killua went over to him and knelt down, leveling his eyes with Kurapika's.

"This is why I want you to ask us for help with this. The more of us there are, the easier we can get rid of him and go back to normal, yeah?" He placed a hand on Kurapika's shoulder. The blond nodded.

"I was only being stubborn so that Leorio would call you two down here. I... I need some help with this." Kurapika admitted, looking up and to Killua's smiling face.

* * *

"...Killua."

The white haired teen looked up to where Gon stood by the sink. Killua couldn't see his face, but he could see the broad expanse of tan skin. Killua almost wanted to make a law. One that forbid Gon from walking around shirtless. Even if they were in Gon's apartment.

After leaving Kurapika's, the two decided that Gon's would be closer and easier to get to, not to mention safer, with all of the snow that had accumulated on the suburban streets where Killua lived.

The silence stretched on after Gon spoke, and Killua realized he wasn't going to finish the thought until he got a response.

"Yeah?"

The tall teen turned. Caramel eyes met cerulean,  and the two locked.

"There's something I want." Gon stated plainly. Killua blinked a few times and, pursing his lips together, nodded.

"Uh huh..." He continued nodding. "And that means?"

Gon seemed confused by this, before his eyebrows shot up.

"Oh! Sorry about that, Killua. I didn't realize how vague that was. I want to talk to my father."

It was Killua's turn to be surprised and confused, and he displayed it theatrically. The teen shot off of the stool he sat on, and though accidentally, slammed his knee against the face of the island.

He let out a soft pained cry before turning his gaze back to Gon.

"That wasn't supposed to happen." He groaned. "Anyway... why do you want to... why do you want to talk to Ging?"

Gon looked off towards the far wall, eyes not fixing on anything in particular. "I want to talk to him about what he said. I want to see if he meant it. If he did, well, _c'est la vie_ , I suppose."

Killua slowly let himself back on the stool.

"Meaning?"

"If he doesn't have a son, then I guess I don't have a father."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: Gon likes two scoops of sugar in his coffee, when he drinks it. Which isn't actually very often.


	24. You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of the last chapter.
> 
> Again, I'm sorry. I apologize. But it was what happened.

Of course Killua was going to go with Gon when the day came for him to see Ging again. He couldn't exactly let Gon go alone, and he didn't trust Ging at all, so to Killua, it was kind of imperative.

When the day came, Gon was visibly prepared. His eyes held that beautiful shining determination that Killua treasured. Killua couldn't help but notice that Gon didn't want to do this. His movements were rough, almost stuttered as he walked.

It made Killua wonder if Gon actually wanted to do this. He wondered if maybe Gon was pushing himself, if only to tie up some loose ends. Part of Killua understood that wish. He understood that maybe having the final interaction with his father be having him deny his existence on live television would hurt, and that he would certainly want to speak to him, even if it was just him talking and his father listening the whole time.

Killua understood Gon's wish well, but that didn't mean he had to like it.

But he would do it, even if just for Gon, just as his emotional support.

So he reached out, and put his hand on Gon's shoulder, watching as those caramel eyes drifted over to him. He could feel the weight of his doubt lifting as Gon smiled.

And maybe it was a sappy thought, but Killua knew they'd be okay. The two of them against the world, they could do anything.

Killua almost hated those kinds of thoughts, but they were also nice. He supposed. Because he did love Gon, but he wasn't used to being the one that said or thought those things. Gon would appreciate it though. Maybe he should say something after he talked to Ging.

Killua frowned because he still wasn't happy about it. He didn't like Ging, and Ging didn't like him.

But he was doing this for Gon. This was for Gon and nothing else.

He found himself repeating that in his head like a mantra as Gon drove them to the place Gon had specified to Ging.

He was doing this for Gon.

But he wouldn't mind if Ging didn't show up.

He was doing this for Gon.

But who could blame him if he came off as a bit hostile to Ging.

He was doing this for Gon.

And he'd be sure to not let anything Ging says get to him.

Because he was doing this for Gon, and Ging could shove it.

* * *

Ging was just about as happy to be there as any of them. He looked tired and wary. Killua understood why. While he felt hostile enough himself, Gon was pissed. Even though he didn't let it show, Killua could see it tensing up the muscles in his arms.

Slowly, he reached out to the side and placed a hand on Gon's arm. He could feel the tension, but he also noted how it withdrew just a tad.

"Is it that you want me to apologize for what I said?" Ging asked, folding his arms on the table.

"I'm giving you the opportunity to tell me of you meant it or not." Gon said, his anger hadn't seeped into his voice, which Killua found kind of impressive.

"I did mean it. Why would I say it if I didn't?"

Gon stood. Killua felt as though clouds should be thundering as he did. He could almost see the storm brewing in the distance.

"Then that's all."

Killua looked between the two before nodding.

"Gon," he said. "Can you wait for me in the car for a little bit?"

Wide caramel eyes focused on him, all rage removed from them. Gon nodded and left.

Killua didn't know what he was doing. He just knew that he had to do something.

"So you've never once thought of him as your son?" He spoke up, looking slowly up at Ging. The man regarded him with a blank expression. 

"That's none of your concern." Ging answered.

"Because he always thought of you as his father, and if you take that away from him, I don't know what he'll do."

Ging didn't say anything for a moment. He just watched Killua. The white haired teen let his gaze fall, avoiding those eyes that weren't as welcoming as Gon's.

"Why would he think of me as a father?" Ging's gaze was hard as steel, and Killua knew exactly where he was coming from.

"Because even though you weren't there for him, he had a vision of you. A fantasy." He said. "He never met you, but he imagined how you would be. Of course he'd want to think of you as the most amazing person that ever existed. Of course he would idolize you. You were a figment of his imagination, so when he met you, he wanted you to be just like that. But when you said he wasn't your son, you broke his heart. I remember it too. He just wants to know that you want him."

Ging laughed softly; his eyes closed and lips curled. "Wow. To think I'd be lectured by my son's druggie boyfriend."

"You know I'm being serious, Ging. I know it'll be difficult for you, but try to do the same." Killua found himself unable to hold back, after Ging's response. He had to restrain the urge to say anymore because it could have gotten a lot worse.

Ging, however, didn't seem to want to be serious, as he continued laughing to himself before getting up.

"Yeah, yeah. Okay, fine." The man acted absently as he began to move away from the table. "I get what you're saying." He started to walk away. In resignation, Killua dropped his chin into his folded arms.

"I feel like there a missing 'but' there, Mr. Freecs." He said, just loud enough for Ging to hear him.

"But I can't be his father."

* * *

Gon didn't say anything as Killua climbed back into the truck, and almost immediately, Killua wanted to break the silence, just from seeing the look on Gon's face.

He was heartbroken, and Killua could see it as though the emotion struck deeper than simply his soul. What was deeper than his soul, Killua found himself wondering as the thought occurred to him. How could he heal a wound so deep?

"It's not you, you know." Killua spoke up, his voice filling the silence but not lifting the tense emotions flooding the car. "It's not your fault."

Gon looked up through the windshield, sun reflecting off his eyes and reminding Killua of the painting he never finished. "I know it's not. I just thought, maybe by the end of the day, I'd still have someone I can call my father."

Killua frowned. "Bah," his voice raised as he waved his hand, subsequently drawing Gon's full attention. "What use is a father who doesn't act like one? You don't need that guy. You're a strong, independent man."

"Killua..."

The white haired teen's air switched once more, becoming once again serious. "I mean it, Gon. He's treated you like shit, like a tool. You don't need someone like that in your life. If he wants to say he doesn't have a son then... in the words of the most amazing person I know,  _c'est la vie._ "

Gon didn't lighten up, even when Killua set a gentle hand on his shoulder. Gon didn't say anything, and Killua couldn't say anymore. The silence was nearly devastating because he could hear every rattled breath and see the shaking shoulders, feel the quakes under his hand.

Words didn't work. At least not the ones he could think of, but even though he could say nothing, he wanted to be there. Even as a silent force of comfort.

* * *

Killua wasn't used to silence. It was unnerving, bristling in an almost painful manner. Yet he saw that it was also painful for Gon.

He saw it in the way the flame that used to rest in his eyes, the one that burned brightly and acted like a sun had flickered with every movement.

Killua recognized that feeling, knew what weight burdened Gon, and he did everything he could. Just as Kurapika had said, solitude is dangerous, and he didn't want Gon to be or feel like he was alone.

And he knew, recognized it in Gon's gaze, that he acknowledged him. Yet still he didn't speak, but he held Killua's hand, rested his head on his shoulder, and breathed. Killua would squeeze his hand, hoping that would bring Gon into the moment.

God. For this, Killua would definitely need to speak to Ging again, get him to talk to Gon again. Anything to bring back his sun. Anything for Gon, his light, the only truly amazing and loving and caring person he knew.

After a few more moments of silence, Killua realized. What if the person Gon needed right now wasn't Ging? What if it was the person who was there? The person who actually cared.

With one last squeeze of Gon's hand, Killua got up and pulled out his phone. He flashed a quick smile to him before pressing one of his contacts.

The phone picked up on the second ring.

"Hello?"

"Do you think you can come over to Gon's apartment?"

* * *

 Killua left when Leorio arrived, trusting the man with Gon. He was the person who was there, who knew Gon best. He was always there for him. And sure, Killua considered himself someone who could help, but it wasn't working. Gon didn't need him right now, and Killua understood that.

No matter how many times he could try to fix it, it wouldn't get better.

The cold still grasped like an iron fist around the city, even though December was slowly slipping away. Killua always found Padokea's weather interesting. Sometimes, winter lasted only a short amount of time. Sometimes it started early, sometimes late. One time it didn't start at all, and there was simply a lazy transition between spring and fall.

Killua figured this year would be average. He hoped it would be, despite how everything else had been.

He figured that, if the weather could be normal just once so could he.

He caught his lip between his teeth as shivers ran down his limbs. They weren't simply shivers. It was like little legs- like hundreds of centipedes running down his spine. It wasn't a pleasant comparison, and the moment it came to mind, he wished he had never thought of it because all he could imagine was the tiny little bodies, decorated with plates of crimson armor, running beneath his skin. In his mind's eye, he could see the skin of his back moving with little clumps of insects. The thought made him want to vomit, but he couldn't escape it.

The vision was locked inside his head, and the centipedes raced down his arms, his legs, and had those limbs not been covered by cloth, he could bet that he would have seen it. His teeth clenched at the thought, and he gasped as pain erupted from his bottom lip.

"Shit," he muttered, running his tongue over the small bleeding wound on his lip. He couldn't help but laugh at himself, a small wisp of breath that curled white in the air.

Watching as the wisp disappeared, the world shifted just so. No longer was it a street that he stood before, but a streak of light grey, accented with darker colors. 

Once more, he wanted to paint, but he didn't want to leave Gon. He leaned back against the building- Gon's building- and watched as his breath floated upwards.

He could feel his cheeks turning red as he pulled his hat down to cover his numbing ears.

It was a cold day.

For some reason, Killua felt as though that summed it up perfectly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! It's been a year!
> 
> Fun Fact: Kurapika didn't have to take a foreign language in high school because his grandfather taught him the language of the native Kurta clan.


	25. Returned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another "continuation of the last chapter" deal, and some familiar faces return.
> 
> Also, halfway through the arc!
> 
> Happy one year birthday to my baby (this fic), and thank all of you so much for being here and keeping me at it! As well as for every kudos and comment, even if you don't say anything, thank you for being here! ♥

Leorio left around three, and Gon was acting like nothing had ever happened.

Killua understood that. It was a way to cope with large amounts of emotional trauma. Hell, he'd done that, and he knew Gon wouldn't want to talk about it. He knew Gon wouldn't want to nudge at that little rock in the corner of his mind, so Killua didn't say anything. Instead, he watched as Gon bustled about the room, cleaning. Killua remembered what Gon had once said about Mito training him to have a clean house, and ever since Killua had unofficially "moved in," he'd noticed that the cleaning had been neglected.

The white haired teen pushed himself up off of the couch and headed toward the kitchen. He could hear Gon continue to scramble around and put things in order, and Killua found his mind wandering once more as he stopped at the hallway.

"Hey, Gon." The words tumbled out before he could stop them. The scrambling continued. "I'm probably going to get really sappy, so stop me if I start sounding like you, okay?"

The scrambling stopped. "What do you mean sounding like me?" Killua could hear the held back laughter in his voice.

"It's just. I know I can't always help when you need me, but I'll always want you to know that I'm right here. No matter where I am I'm right here, okay? I don't want you to think that you're ever alone."

There was a moment of silence, and Killua didn't look to see what Gon was doing and focused all of his attention in front of him. He couldn't bring himself to turn around after saying what he did, but he did rest his hand on the wall, fingers spread and palm against the smooth surface.

He figured that he would always know everyone else's hands better than his own, especially those of the people he loved. He knew that Gon's hands were rough, the fingers callused from his childhood. They were warm and bigger than his own. They were hands that he knew, so he knew when one covered his own.

"I know," were the only words that Gon said, and they were the only words he needed to say.

* * *

It was rare to see Komugi without a Gungi board by her side or before her. Killua had also never seen her with her hair down or without Meruem by her side, yet here she was, in a light pink dress, alone and wiping her nose.

"Komugi, hey." He spoke just loud enough to be heard and recognized. The girl turned toward the sound of his voice, before reaching out with a single hand.

"Th-there was n-no one else I could talk to..." She said meekly, wiping at her nose once more. Killua wondered how long she'd been standing outside his an Senritsu's apartment. It normally took around fifteen minutes to get from Gon's to his own, and that was when they drove. His mind wandered to wondering if Komugi had been standing out in the cold the whole time, if the girl had been shaking out in the cold the whole time.

For a moment, he wondered why Senritsu hadn't let her in, but a faint memory of a morning text of "your sister is dragging me around town all day today" reminded him why she hadn't.

"How long have you been out here?" He asked her, grabbing her outstretched hand and finding it colder than his own.

"I need someone to talk to Meru."

Killua wrapped his hand around hers. "Alright, but you need to get inside. What are you wearing? You look frozen to the bone!" He quickly fished out his keys and unlocked the apartment, leading her inside. It wasn't much warmer in there, but he had blankets and he could make something warm for her to drink.

"It was supposed to be a day with just him, but then two men came in and pulled him away. He didn't want to go, but he couldn't stop them and when he came back he wouldn't say anything, so then I tried to remember the way here but no one was answering..."

Killua led her to the couch before quickly grabbing a blanket from the hall closet and setting it around her shoulders.

"Two men?" He looked up at her closed eyes for just a moment.

"I didn't recognize their voices, but Meru knew them."

Killua paused for a moment as his head cleared and pushed him back into the current moment. "Do you remember how they sounded?"

Komugi shivered as she settled into the blankets and pulled them around her.

"Their voices? I... I... no. I don't. I'm sorry. I just. I remembered that one of them filled the room, and the other made me uncomfortable..."

Killua ran his hand through her hair, the white strands so similar to his own; he sometimes wondered why  _they_ weren't related.

"Do you want some tea or something? Ritsu and I have a stash in the ditchen. I'll make some if you want before talking to Meruem." He offered. Her lashes fluttered before she nodded. The white haired male stood and moved away from her before heading toward the ditchen.

It was only a thought, but it was a thought that screamed so loudly in his mind he couldn't ignore it. Even if he wanted to.

His eyes drifted over to the drawings on the ditchen table and he tried to imagine them with the voices Komugi described.

The large man and the lean one. He couldn't even remember how he felt when they spoke. He remembered feeling nothing. He remembered... wanting to be hit.

Killua forced himself back into the forefront of his mind and finished preparing the tea.

He brought it with him out of the ditchen and pressed the mug against Komugi's hand, which quickly wrapped around it.

"It's going to have to steep a little bit."

She nodded and smiled slightly. "Thank you, Killua."

He nodded and ran a hand through her hair once more. "It's no problem. I'll call Meruem now."

He stood once more and fished out his phone, quickly selecting the rarely used contact and waiting.

Meruem picked up after a longer moment than Killua would have thought.

"Yeah?"

"Your girlfriend's over here. Just thought you might want to know." Killua said, doing just as Meruem did before him and skipping the niceties. After Meeuem didn't say anything, he spoke again. "What happened?"

He could hear the exhalation of breath on the other side of the line.

"Just these two guys. They're not important. A couple idiots who have been running from the police." Meruem answered, and Killua couldn't help but let out a snicker.

"Oh yeah?"

"Apparently they beat up some druggie. Chief of police saw the whole thing, decided the guy was the victim and set his dogs on the two."

The smile quickly disappeared from Killua's face. "And you know them?"

"Used to. I've tried getting them out of my life, but I can't. Anyway, thanks for telling me. I'll swing by to get Mugi in a little bit."

He rolled his eyes. "Your pet names are sickening."

"The way you're always around Gon is sickening. Bye, Killua."

Meruem hung up, and Killua turned to Komugi, who slowly took a sip of tea. He shoved his phone back into his pocket before throwing himself down on the couch. He let out a long breath, and Komugi grinned.

"You should get some rest. You need it." She commented, and Killua laughed.

"Yeah. After Meruem picks you up."

* * *

The man arrived shortly after the phone call, and after he said goodbye and closed the door, Killua threw himself down onto the couch, sinking into the old fabric.

Maybe he should get some sleep. That would probably be beneficial, since he hadn't been sleeping well due to the nightmares. If that's even what they were, he wasn't even sure anymore, what kind of tricks his mind was playing on him.

Was his mind messing with him? Was that what was happening? Killua squeezed his eyes shut and curled up, knees to his chest and face to the back of the couch.

He just wanted to get some good sleep without a nightmare memory to stir him into awareness. It was consuming; it had become that way. No matter where he slept, whether he was alone or with Gon, he would always have these dreams. He would be hit again, and again, and again, and it had brought him to the place where he no longer wanted to go to sleep.

He covered his eyes with his arm as he shifted closer to the back of the couch. He wanted to sleep. He wanted so desperately to sleep, and goddamnit, he would.

Killua squeezed his eyes shut and willed himself to sleep.


	26. To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I'll finally tell you guys who beat up Killua. Maybe I won't.

The first thing he noticed was the blanket draped over him, and he assumed that Ritsu was back from her day with Alluka. He was sure of it when he heard laughter. It was Alluka.

Killua sat up with a yawn, mentally noting that he'd actually gotten some uninterrupted sleep, and glanced toward the hallway. Senritsu's door was open, and music began to drift through it. Her flute.

Killua never exaggerated when he expressed how amazing she was at it. Her song could evoke any emotion she wanted, though currently it filled him with excitement. He stood, slipping away from the couch, and he wandered toward the door to Ritsu's room. The two seemed so happy. Alluka was grinning. Her blue eyes were closed as she listened to Senritsu play her flute, swaying in time with it.

They fluttered open, and he noticed a slight bit of makeup on Alluka's face. It wasn't much, probably something she found on a social network site or blog, but it was enough. She looked like an adult. She looked more mature than he was. She didn't look like she was only...

Eighteen. She was eighteen years old. It dawned on him that he never realized that Alluka really was, and always was, one year younger than him. He realized right there that he had always thought of her as that little ten year old girl who wanted him to play games with her.

Alluka was eighteen years old, and she was beautiful.

Those blue eyes drifted over, and she saw him.

"Ritsu is a genius, Killua," she beamed. "She could play any song on that flute and make it sound like it was made for a flute. You wouldn't believe."

"I do live with her, remember. I've heard her play Korn on that thing and make it sound flawless. Of course, I had to give her twenty bucks afterwards."

Senritsu laughed and twisted the flute apart once more to put it into its case.

"You had me play dubstep once. I still haven't spent that fifty."

Killua guffawed. "That was years ago! You still have my bet money?"

"You mean  _my_ bet money." Senritsu responded with a brow hitched, clicking shut the clasps of the case.

"Technicalities," was Killua's muttered response, which resulted in a laugh from Ritsu. He could swear she heard everything.

"Good morning, by the way," Ritsu said, looking back at him, flute case still resting on her bed. "Have a nice nap?"

Killua shrugged, leaning back against the door jamb. "Probably. I mean, I didn't wake up disoriented so there's that. I just, haven't been able to sleep through the night recently, and that's weird for me."

Senritsu's glance shifted to one of concern as she made a gesture toward her eyebrow. He shook his head in reply, even though it was a lie.

Well, technically, it was a half lie. He'd been haunted by thoughts of the two strangers, as well as thoughts from his past, of Chrollo. Because while he had boasted that he'd broken a guy's arm from Chrollo's little gang, Kurapika didn't know about what happened after that, or before that. He'd kept those little details to himself.

He was haunted by two different fists, each barreling toward his face.

"I'll start playing my flute at night then," Senritsu said suddenly. "I'm sure it will help you sleep and chase away any and all of your bad thoughts."

Killua smiled at her. Grateful, so incredibly fucking grateful that it hurts. Senritsu was a gem, a gem beyond gems and any single person who tried to tell him otherwise would be knocked into next week.

"Hey, big brother," Alluka spoke up, those big blue eyes focused on him, as he turned his attention to her, an eyebrow hitched to show he was listening.

"Just for tonight, could I stay the night?"

The question shook him a little off kilter until he managed to understand it, and nodded. "What'd mom say?"

Alluka looked away from him, her hands wringing in her lap.

"That's the thing..." her voice was a little timid.

"Alluka..."

"Mom and I got into a fight, and I don't really want to face her right now. It's why I've been with Senritsu all day. I've already explained it all to her. It's why she agreed."

If Killua's gaze could soften anymore, it would. Except that currently, it was already softer than Gon claims his hair to be, which was pretty damn soft.

"Alright. It's fine. I know how mom can be, Alluka. I understand. You can stay. I'll have someone drop you off at school tomorrow. Maybe Gon or Kurapika or whatever."

Alluka blinked a few times. "Really?"

Killua nodded, and those blue eyes shined brightly, reflecting joy deep within them.

She grinned, and seemed to brighten the world around her as she did. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

He didn't say anything back, because he felt like it was only a given that he'd do anything for her.

She was Alluka, after all.

* * *

Despite having apologized profusely, numerous times (especially after tearing out its pages,) the damn sketchbook still wasn't complying with him.

The thing was almost menacing, with its stark white pages that almost threatened to capture his soul unless he marked them with graphite and charcoal.

And maybe he was over dramatic, sure, but he was pretty sure the thing hated him and wanted to steal his soul.

Maybe it was still mad that he called it 'that thing.'

Alluka sat beyond him on the couch, with their feet alternating, reading a book that he'd snatched from Kurta. If he remembered correctly, it was a poetry book. One of which seemed to resonate with him.

He could still remember how it went, even.

_Paint eyes on me._

_Make my soul a new color._

_No longer black,_

_But gold like yours..._

He didn't know why. But he really liked that one.

He wondered if Alluka would like it too.

The door to the apartment opened quickly, with no knock at all, although Killua thought for a moment that he heard a key in the lock.

"Hey, Alluka... Killua, I need to talk with you. In the kitchen."

He looked back as he set his sketchbook down on the end table, pushing his legs to the floor and himself off the couch.

"Ditchen, and what's wrong?"

Gon's cheeks were red, his chest moved violently up and down, and it looked almost as though he dressed himself with the aid of a wind storm.

"Did you run here?" Killua found himself asking before he could stop himself. Gon nodded, and hurried into the other room. Killua shot a quick apologetic look to Alluka before following him.

By the time he'd entered the room, Gon had discarded his jacket on one of the dining chairs and grabbed a sketch from the other day, that hadn't moved from its spot on the table.

It was the larger man, the more detailed drawing.

"I saw them." Gon's voice was not the one Killua was used to hearing. It wasn't the light, sunny voice he was normally addressed with.

"Gon..."

"I saw them. Downtown. Near my apartment. It was them." Gon took a deep breath and sat down. "They were with Meruem. He seemed mad at them."

Killua blinked a few times before his expression sobered and he too sat. He held his hand out, palm stretched out, open and waiting for Gon's own hand to claim it.

He did, and Killua was immediately glad for it. The weight of Gon's hand relieved him of the building weight in his chest; it distracted him from the perceived movement under his skin.

"I thought so..." Killua muttered, before speaking up. "Komugi was over here the other day. Apparently the two guys who beat me up started getting chased by the police and ran to Meruem for help."

Something occurred to him then. Clicking something from the past and something Meruem had said to him on the phone.

"Oh my god."

Gon blinked, his gaze raising up to meet Killua's.

"There was a guy there. He saw the whole thing; I woke up on his couch." Killua's hand squeezed Gon's. "Meruem told me that the chief of police saw the whole thing." His mouth shut, pressing his lips into a thin line. "That old man... the whole time he..."

When he looked back at Gon, he was smiling.

"But he saw it. And they're after them. You're getting help."

Killua let himself collapse onto the table, his head falling onto his arm to cushion his fall.

"I don't think I deserve it, Gon." He confessed with a sigh. Gon squeezed his hand, sending the centipedes racing up his arm.

"Why don't you?"

Killua felt a laugh escape him, one devoid of humor and joy. He rested his chin on his arm for a moment and looked up at Gon, whose caramel eyes were sparkling.

Killua lifted his head from the table, replaced the empty space with his other arm.

"I'm not saying I should have gotten mugged, you know. I don't like thinking about what could have happened instead, but I just... I feel like I don't deserve justice. I was high when they attacked me, Gon. It was my fault."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: I have plans for many many side fics off of this story. One of which involves Alluka and her prom.


	27. And Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the end of the arc, so here's me filling up a chapter with plot and that means pain because the plot is pain (and some hidden sides of characters and can you tell I'm actually really proud of this chapter.)

Gon stared at him blankly, and after a while, Killua couldn't bring himself to hold Gon's gaze any longer.

He didn't know why. Probably because he didn't feel so confident about what he thought was certain only seconds ago.

Maybe it was the way Gon was looking at him, as though he didn't understand.

But still, Killua felt relieved. In that one single moment, he'd confessed. He confessed to slipping and falling into the unforgiving clutches of the  _Devil_ once again.

Though that was something, again, Gon didn't know. He didn't know it was a different drug.

The hand on his squeezed once more. Killua felt the legs once more.

He pulled his hand away from Gon's, fingers curling into themselves as he crossed his arms and dug his fingernail into his arm. To cut the head off a bug.

His mind was jarred with the sense of relief and guilt and the confusion of the two sharing his consciousness. He leaned forward, setting his forehead on his arm, letting the legs rush through him.

"Of course it's not your fault."

His fingers tightened.

"You were attacked; why would it be your fault if you were-"

"I wanted to be hit." He felt like a faucet, a broken one. "I remember wanting them to hit me. I might have said something. People don't just randomly punch people in the face. I said something. There's nothing else that could have happened."

He closed his eyes tightly, fingers digging into the heel of his palm. He was sure it was leaving marks, little tiny half moons on his hand.

The chair across from him scratched against the floor. Killua listened for the door, listened for something.

He could feel his skin bristling when a hand fell onto his hair. He could feel the legs run down the back of his neck, before it was calmed by a single, gentle thumb.

"Whatever you think, it wasn't you. You weren't in control."

Killua reached up and felt his fingers graze against the gentle hand in his hair. He never knew why, but Gon's hand was always so warm compared to his own. He expected it to be. He grabbed the hand in his hair, tightly, feeling the thrum of Gon's pulse against his fingertips.

He wanted that unconditional comfort that he was promised. He didn't deserve it, but he wanted it.

Killua almost laughed at the thought. Didn't deserve it.

He could have sworn he was over that by now. He could have sworn he didn't think that anymore.

He didn't. He didn't.

Of course, the thought only slipped in. As a remnant of the days where he did. As a remnant of little dusty white pills.

He pulled the warm hand off his head and sat up, hand holding tightly onto Gon's as he turned his gaze to it.

He did believe though, he understood it then, that it was his fault. That had he not gone into that alley on that day and met again with Rammot, he never would have been attacked, he never would have started remembering that long buried fight.

The belief, ever since he said it, and no matter what Gon or anyone else would say to him to undo it, had firmly rooted itself into his brain, his soul.

The warm hand encased his own, and he pulled it up, grazing his lips against the hand, still so warm again his face.

Arms encased him, wrapping around him, bringing his hand away from his lips and toward his arm. He was encompassed by that steady thrumming, hoping that it would pound away everything.

"Talk to Meruem." The words spilled out of his lips before he'd realized what he had said. "Maybe he can tell you. He knows." He felt Gon nod behind him, and he pulled his phone out and handed it to him.

He felt Gon withdraw, and with that, he felt the cold encase him once more.

The cold was short lived, and that surprised him. A palm settled against his back, and he couldn't help but let thoughts creep once more through his mind. Did he feel fragile to that hand? Did he feel brittle, weak?

He felt that way, underneath it. The very same hand that made him feel so safe, comfortable- why did it make him feel like this?

Like those eyes, that could disturb his settled core. Like that voice, that could shake his foundations.

"Meruem?"

And he couldn't figure out what that tone was.

"Yeah, hi. Sorry, I don't have your number. I wanted to ask you something."

He didn't know this voice, this tone. It wasn't... It wasn't Gon.

"Yeah, sorry, I just. You're aware Killua got attacked, right? I wanted to hear if you knew anything about that." A small pause. "Yeah. I heard about a couple of guys. Saw you with them too. The guys being targeted by the police? Who are they?"

Killua could faintly hear Meruem's voice coming from the phone, but he couldn't ascertain any of the words. He focused, instead of on the conversation, on the hand on his back, tracing the discs of his spine and the outline of his shoulder blades. It lulled his muscles into calming, persuading out the tension that had built as Gon's thumb pressed against his flesh.

"Cheetu and Leol? That's who?"

Gon's words pulled him back before he even noticed that his eyelids had been falling, that his mind was wandering into the world of sleep.

"What do they look like?"

Gon's hand trailed up, fingertips gliding across the expanse of his neck and dipping into the labyrinth of his hair. He felt tiny shocks trace and linger down his spine. It was a good feeling. Although, it could just be that his skin was feeling sensitive today.

He could feel goose bumps raise up on his arms with each movement of Gon's hand. His heart was distracted by the gentle touches to pay any mind anymore to the tone of voice.

"Thanks, Meruem."

And Killua had a feeling that was that.

His phone made a soft thud when Gon placed it back on the table. Arms wrapped around him once more, but he couldn't feel their warmth.

"It's all okay, now, Killua. No more nightmares."

His chest rose and fell silently.

"I can't guarantee that."

* * *

"Alluka."

Killua opened his eyes and sat up- his back straightening, crackling as he glanced toward the doorway.

"Tell me."

He pushed Gon's arms away from him and stood, turning to his sister.

"Tell you what?"

"Everything! What haven't you told me? What didn't you tell me about? What happened?" Alluka rambled as she walked into the ditchen, talking with her hands- which were flying this way and that with every word, as a vent for her frustration.

Killua didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to tell her all of the things that had happened, everything he never said. He normally told her about things, but he supposed that recently, he'd gotten quieter. He hadn't been telling her what was happening. She knew nothing about his addiction- he didn't want to look bad- or the attack, or, as Gon had just learned, what had actually happened that night.

Killua found his gaze being nervously guided back to Gon. He knew what this meant too. His head was empty, and maybe it was because he felt like he couldn't look at her. So he looked down to the floor, and leaned back against the table, absently setting his knee on the chair, one foot on the floor.

"Everything?" He began, hesitantly, before letting his gaze wander back up and be captured by the determination in his younger sister's eyes. She wanted to know. Killua, maintaining eye contact, nodded and took a deep breath.

"Gon, can you wait outside? This... this might take a while."

Alluka's eyes darkened at that, as Gon left the room, and her gaze drifted away from him. "How much do you not tell me, big brother?"

For a moment, Killua was surprised. Not by her words, but by the fact that he knew exactly how it felt when his heart cracked, and that he was used to it by now.

"Just enough to let you think I'm still worthy to be called that." He smiled at her, but he knew it didn't reach his eyes.

"You'll always be my big brother, stupid." Her voice was softer, gentler, like a down pillow. One that almost felt like it was being pulled over his face.

He hefted himself up, so he was slightly perched on the table as Alluka approached him.

"A couple days ago, I got attacked. I don't really remember much, still, but ever since we've been trying to figure out who it was." He began, softly. "I deserved it though. It was definitely my fault."

He could almost feel her desire to interrupt him at that moment.

"I provoked them. I wanted them to come at me with everything they had; I wanted to feel pain." He breathed in deeply. "And I was high. Maybe I had a god complex or something because of that, but I was off my goddamn rocker and higher than the moon. I honestly didn't give a shit about what happened to me- I just wanted to feel."

Stunned eyes watched him, and he didn't look away. For some reason, he was feeling courageous, probably because it was like purifying himself. Righting all of his wrongs. Like sitting in a Catholic confessional.

"Is that why," Alluka's reply came slowly, meekly, not at all what he was used to from her, "whenever I go out with my friends, you always say 'be like Kurapika.' It's never 'don't do anything I wouldn't do' with you- it's always 'be like Kurapika...' I understand now, though." The girl nodded, her eyes drifting shut as she did. "I guess I have a question, though." And he could see it- that curiosity shining in her big blue eyes.

"Why do it? If you know it's bad, why do it?"

Killua responded in the best way he knew how. He let one held back chuckle escape from deep within him.

"Because, my lovely little sister," he stated, "I'm really bad at dealing with my life."

It obviously wasn't the answer she was hoping for. He could tell by the way her forehead wrinkled, just a little bit between her eyebrows, like it always did when she thought too hard or too much.

"I don't think that's it." She looked at him once more, her eyes regaining their light. "I think you're just scared to admit that people actually care about you, that they have opinions of you that you can't control. You want some way of molding everyone's thoughts about you, albeit in a negative way. You just want control."

He smiled at her, a tiny little smile that he knew he'd regret later.

"I'm sorry, Alluka." He said, plainly. "But that's just not it."

* * *

 

Gon re-entered the room when Alluka stormed out. He walked slowly, carefully, and seemed to keep his eyes on Killua the whole time.

"What was that?"

Killua shook his head, unable to answer. He knew what it was, of course. He knew what he'd- very purposefully- just done. Instead of answering, he pushed himself off the table and walked to where Gon stood, resting his forehead against Gon's shoulder.

"I'm a terrible person, Gon," he allowed himself to confess. Gon's hand moved to his back, a loving hold that he couldn't appreciate at that moment.

"You're not."

He let out a puff of breath that could have been a laugh. Gon was wrong of course.

He was indeed a terrible person.

Killua just had to realize that was the reason he did so many terrible things.


	28. I Will

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Backstory~~ because more happened when Kurapika and Killua were in high school than I told you about before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise. I actually have an outline of what I'm doing with the rest of the arc. The next arc? Barely.

His pillow certainly wasn't his sanctuary. He'd had more nightmares with his head against that pillow than any one person had the right to.

He'd begun, to his own despair, to view Gon's arms not as a comfort, but as something that restrained him from running away from his nightmares.

Senritsu hadn't played her flute, like she had said, but when he passed her room, he'd heard crying. He'd hears Alluka's voice from the other side, full of sorrow, ranting.

And maybe it was that little bit of extra guilt, that little bit of self hatred that made him dream that night. He was angry with himself, therefore, he dreamed of the past.

Not of his assailants from a couple days ago, no. That would have been too easy. He had names now- Cheetu, Leol, whoever the hell _they_ were- but something in his mind decided they weren't important. Instead, it had decided to taunt him with a name that had haunted him for years.

He could almost see it whenever he closed his eyes. That not-pale not-tan fist coming at him, straight for his eye.

Killua pushed himself up in the bed- Gon's arms still around him- and tried to refrain from banging his head against the wall repeatedly. He glared at the wall next to him.

Maybe it would help. Maybe knocking himself out would be the remedy to his problem. It would black him out completely, and he could sleep dreamlessly. How glorious would that be, to sleep.

His fingers itched to reach out, under, to take the pills tucked beneath the bed. With those, he would hope his mind would be blank...

Instead, he set his hand gently on Gon's arm, hoping to use it as an anchor of sorts. Something- anything- to keep him here. To keep him grounded.

If he closed his eyes, he saw it. If he stared into the darkness, he saw it.

Killua sighed, feeling his shoulders fall with his chest. Maybe Chrollo coming back was his sign to come to terms with it- what had happened. He couldn't even count all the things he had ever called it in his head.

The Fight, the Event, the Past, among others.

He needed to think about it. He needed to think about who he used to be.

Because he used to be a terrible person, and that little bit of hatefullness was coming right back.

Killua closed his eyes. An effort, he told himself, to face the person that he used to be.

* * *

_He was glad that it was Phinks standing in front of him, and not Uvogin. He'd seen Uvogin get into a fight before, and the other guy did not look pretty. Plus, the big guy had a habit of biting, which Killua would not have looked forward to._

_However, he did suppose that the negative side of this situation was that Uvogin, in all his large muscled glory- well, as muscular as an eighteen year old boy could be- was holding his arms to his sides, ensuring that the white haired fourteen year old could not, and would not, attempt to hit back._

_Phinks looked at him with narrowed eyes, and Killua attempted, but failed, to resist the urge to grin at him. Milluki called it a shit-eating grin, and Killua decided that that was exactly what it was._

_He wanted his grin to convey his thoughts. Those thoughts, of course, being 'come on, you bastard! Hit me! Give me everything you've got, you son of a bitch!' The snarl on Phinks's face made it almost seem like he understood exactly what his look meant._

_Then came the wind up, and the pitch, and Killua's head was thrown to the side by the sheer force of the punch. Phinks had a better punch than his frame let on, that much was for sure. Killua could feel his cheek going numb, although he was almost certain that if he were hit a few more times, he'd have more than a few bruises as momentos from this fight._

_If he could call it that, of course. According to the definition of a fight, this was probably the exact opposite- or whatever it was people called one-sided fights._

_At one point, maybe after the second or third hit, when both sides of his face were hopelessly numb, and he had a growing rage within him, screaming for him to break free and hit back, a blonde girl walked up to them._

_Killua didn't know her name, but she was a senior, like Uvogin, although she tended to hang around with their weird long-haired, long-nosed friend who Killua could have sworn was in a rock band. Now that he thought about it, their pink-haired friend and Uvogin also hung around that guy. Maybe they were all in a rock band together._

_"Boss wants to see you guys," the blonde said, and she looked between the two holding Killua expectantly._

_She didn't end up leaving until the two boys had already thrown Killua to the ground and left._

_The girl walked over to him and kneeled down, pulling him up by one of his arms._

_"Sorry about them," she had said before leaving._

_Killua never learned her name, despite how much he would have liked to._

_He had wanted, so badly, to scream after her that he had deserved every single hit. That none of it was unprovoked. That he had been in the wrong when he got into a fight with the blond boy that hung around with them. He wanted to shout out to that girl that every single hit was pay back for breaking that boy's arm._

_But Killua never said anything, and boy, did he regret it._

* * *

Kurapika raked a long-fingered hand against the grain through his hair; the blond locks scrunched against his hand, tangling up his hair.

"Goodness," the blond's voice was a wisp that spilled from his lips and very accurately portrayed the increased levels of stress that he was so recently experiencing.

"Sorry," Killua said with a wince, not daring to look at the blond's face, for fear that Kurapika was scowling.

A small glance. Okay, he wasn't, but he did look extremely exhausted and Killua felt very-

"Sorry," he said again. This time, though, he made sure it sounded as sincere as it was, and looked at the blond as he said the word.

Kurapika seemed to let out a soft laugh, a puff of breath let out of his lips that shook his body, and he shook his head.

"Well, we've all been keeping secrets at one time or another, so there is that. And it's not like it was unforgivable. I'd almost gotten into fights with his friends at the time. I never did, but I certainly wanted to."

And Kurapika shrugged it off, before turning his knowing eyes onto Killua.

"And I knew something was up, Killua. No one gets a black eye from falling down the stairs. Honestly, you'd been reading too much manga if you think that excuse was plausible."

Killua laughed then, his shoulders shaking with relief as he did. "Can't pull a shade over your eyes, huh?"

Kurapika shook his head. "Shame on you for trying."

Leorio, however, had been shaking silently on the other side of the couch, his gace in his hand, and making no noise.

Killua turned his gaze on him, his eyes scrunched up in a glare, before he reached over and pushed the man, bringing Leorio's attention to him.

When he lifted his head, his face was red.

"So basically, when you were a freshman in high school, you were a little shit."

Killua nodded.

"So because of that, you got the shit kicked out of you..."

Killua nodded again.

"Then why are you still a little shit?"

His lips thinned as he let out a breath, his shoulders falling as he restrained himself from performing any action that might physically harm Leorio. Which was an effort. So instead, he pulled a smile back onto his lips and leaned back into his seat.

"Well, I guess you just bring out the little shit in me, Liorio."

At that, Leorio laughed.

"There we are!" The man exclaimed,  spreading out his long arms on the back of the couch. "There it is! I'd been missing that side of you! You've been so serious; I was getting worried." He looked at Killua with a grin.

In response, Killua shook his head, running a hand through his hair.

"Thanks," he murmured, sure that the soft tone was lost behind his wrist.

The gleam in Leorio's eyes only became brighter. "Don't mention it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, hey look. This chapter has a lesson.
> 
> Also, upon discovering Hisoka's canon last name (and going back and realizing that I had missed THREE CHAPTERS BUT NOW THERE ARE UPDATES AND I'M SCREAMING) I went back to chapter 18 and fixed that ^-^


	29. Never

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The resolution of one of the things that was an accident and needed to be fixed.
> 
> And some brother bonding time.

He was honestly beating himself up over it, which was probably the reason why he had spent the day hiding out in Kurapika's apartment the day before. Yet, when Killua opened the door, he didn't get hit with the wave of wet, burning guilt clogging up his throat like he expected.

He was instead met with the sight of Alluka slinging her backpack onto her shoulders.

"May I talk to you?" He said, a hand resting on the doorknob. His voice called her attention and soon enough blue eyes were on him.

He didn't see anger within them, or annoyance or anything. Alluka's eyes were a blank slate, and he could nearly sigh with relief. Well, relief that was still a bit tainted by the unnerving feeling of being watched by such unfeeling eyes.

"Sure." And yet she didn't sound any different when she spoke. Her voice was still soft and full of life. Though, he felt the daggers, the strings that came from all of that liveliness being directed in the form of a concentrated beam of indifference striking deep into his core.

"About the other day, I-"

"I refuse to argue with you about yourself. You know yourself best, and with everything that I've missed, I wouldn't be surprised if I don't know you best anymore." Alluka said, and Killua thought that, if he listened close enough, hard enough, he could hear every little painful fluctuation in her voice.

"That's not-"

"It is." She turned toward him, finally, and showed him a small, pretty smile- her blue eyes closed, cheeks raised, but definitely,  _definitely,_ forced. "I can't know you, but I'll try to. That's good enough, right?"

Killua frowned, his brow creased, a clump of guilt throbbing painfully in his throat.

"Why are you being so reasonable?" He asked her, not really knowing what answer he expected. It could be anything- she could say anything and it would be totally understandable. Her eyes opened and the smile fell.

"Because I don't think you're at the point where you will be."

His frown flattened, and he dropped his gaze. Because  _of course,_ she's right. So instead of speaking, he nodded.

"Now, if you don't mind, I have to get to school."

Killua's eyes darted up again, watching as she approached him- slowly, and Killua almost felt like a dangerous animal in a cage.

Words were tugging at his tongue, and he had a feeling that if he didn't say the words now, he probably never would have the chance to.

"Hey, Alluka..." He started. "You know that, no matter what, I'll always love you. No matter what I say, I do. Just... keep that in mind in case I'm ever a massive dick again, okay?"

She reached out and settled a hand on his shoulder.

"Yeah. I will."

* * *

"Has everything finally boiled down?" Illumi asked him, dark eyes dancing toward him from the side of a styrofoam cup to Killua, who sat beside him with his feet up on the bench.

Killua didn't know what it was with the bench, but it was one of his favorites. The spot he generally shared with Gon. He could still imagine Gon kneeling on the concrete in front of him, with that stupid leaf stuck to his forehead. Maybe that was why he liked the bench so much. He leaned back, shoulders pressing against the back of the bench. He heard a small pop in his back.

"Probably not," he finally answered his brother's question after a moment of silence, as the memory of Gon's apology faded from his mind. "When are things calm for us, brother? Just, reflect on our lives and ask yourself that question, and you'll have your answer."

Illumi chuckled. "Isn't that true."

Silence settled between the two of them for a moment as Illumi took another drink of his coffee.

"Hisoka's posters went up today. I think they look great." Illumi rose up his hands, one with the fingers spread out, the other hoisting the coffee almost victoriously. "Hisoka Morou, a name you can trust."

Killua started to laugh. "I have a better one." His words were nearly buried in the laughter, though he did manage to calm himself down before speaking again. "Hisoka Morou: Hide yo children, hide yo wives. He's a-comin'."

Illumi rolled his eyes and took another drink of his coffee. Killua could have sworn he was maybe covering a laugh.

Well, even if Illumi didn't laugh, Killua thought it was funny. He thought he was damn hilarious. His lips rose into a smirk. Maybe he should be a comedian, knock them all dead with his political commentary.

_Our only options for Padokea these days are a pervert and an asshole._

He noticed Illumi's eyes on him then, after blinking back into reality and out of the comedy club in his mind. He met his brother's gaze curiously.

"What."

Illumi shrugged and looked forward once more, though there wasn't much to look at.

One thing Killua liked about the bench was that it was in an awkward place, and therefore, uncontested. It didn't overlook the park but sat directly in front of a wall, bar the path that laid between. Killua loved this bench, that overlooked only a brick wall, because he felt like no one else would really give a damn about it.

"How are you and Gon doing these days?" Illumi asked the question nonchalantly, and Killua could only answer the same way.

"Better." Because that's the way he saw it, and he refused to see it any other way.

Though he did wonder how things would have been between them had that thing with Gon's father hadn't happened. He wondered if they'd still even been together. He wondered if he'd had gotten bored and found someone else.

For all the times pre-Ging that Killua had told Gon he loved him, for all the things that had happened, Killua wondered if they'd had lasted, despite all that.

Killua frowned. He felt as though he'd gotten mature since then. Maybe it was just the fact that Gon had become a facet in his life, an irreplaceable piece to his puzzle.

And yet it troubled him, he could barely think of a "him without Gon" and the one he could think of was laying in Hisoka's bathtub with drugs spilling out of his mouth.

Absently, he ran a hand through his hair.

Maybe he really had matured. He didn't seem to be getting bored, like he used to.

Killua found his eyes wandering over to Illumi, his brow suddenly creasing as a thought made its way into his head.

"You know, you could do so much, meet so many people, and yet you're staying here and tying yourself down- to  _Hisoka_ of all people. I'm wondering, why?" Killua found himself asking, the curiosity becoming too much for him to handle.

Illumi laughed, a real, genuine laugh- not the flat one he used with business partners and Killua's rare bad joke. "Do you understand what being a Zoldyck means, Killua?" He replied, casting his gaze once more on his younger brother.

"Yeah, but I don't understand how this answers my question."

"You'll understand." Illumi paused. "All our lives, we were special. We could do things others couldn't, and we could get away with things because of our father and his company. When I was in college, it was even worse. Being a business major, my classmates thought that sucking up to me would put them on dad's good side and maybe get them an internship."

The dark haired man paused again, and Killua could see a real, genuine small on his lips. "I chose to work in the company because it was the easy way out. Being a Zoldyck, people already feared me. Being our father's son, I was able to soar through the ranks by applying what I had learned from him throughout my childhood."

Black locks fell forward as Illumi lowered his head. "I chose Hisoka because he was the only one who spoke to me without wanting to gain anything. He's the only person who ever spoke to me as  _Illumi,_ and not as Mr. Zoldyck's son."

"So you went with the killer clown from space. Stephen King would be proud." Killua deadpanned.

"And Gon?"

"What about Gon?"

Illumi sat up straight once more. "How does he talk to you?"

"He talks to Killua, don't worry." Killua answered, his feet sliding to the ground.

"Are you sure?" Illumi's eyes blazed with concern, but Killua only frowned.

"Surely surprised you're asking me that." He found his gaze wandering away from Illumi. "I don't care if he has a track record. He talks to  _me._ I don't think he would ever see me as Mr. Zoldyck's son."

In his peripheral vision, he saw Illumi nod.

"That's good."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no reason that I'm not writing. Yell at me and tell me this is more important than anime marathons -_-
> 
> Also: Fun Fact: Meruem and Komugi started dating while Meruem was still in a gang. She had no idea, and didn't know until he left it.


	30. Let You Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of walking and thinking and tiny animals.

Killua's room was generally an ice box, which was great during the summer, but now that it was winter, it basically felt like hell had frozen over- even if he was wearing a sweatshirt that he'd "borrowed" from Gon and the sweats he used to use for PE in high school. He figured that because he was too relaxed to want to move; he didn't quake with shivers.

Although, now that he'd thought of it, he was sure he'd be met with the uncomfortable shaking that came from cold bones and muscles. He could feel them consequentially tensing against the cold floor where he laid, with his feet up on the mattress, awkwardly like a tetris piece.

He didn't really know why, but he liked being alone, even though he knew- though it had been pointed out to him- that it was bad for him. He liked the silence, and the knowledge that he was the only one around. He didn't know why, but when it was just him and his mind was cooperating, the solitude was sanctuary. He felt safe, and comfortable. 

And oddly enough, it reminded him of Gon- the silence that wasn't full of tearing claws and voices telling him he wasn't good enough- the one that wrapped around him like a comfortable blanket.

He knew that Senritsu was gone, that she was off practicing with the band she performed in. He knew that Kurapika was at the cafe and Leorio was in class. He knew that Gon was at work- wherever that was. He should really ask him one of these days.

One of these days...

Killua wondered if he would have ever had that thought when he was younger- in high school.

During his junior year, he had gotten into practice, and had actually become quite adept in cutting his ties with others. He knew how to do it, and it didn't hurt him at all.

In fact, it was easy. Too easy- it made him uncomfortable.

He didn't like it, and most of the time, he hated doing it. It was why he had tried so hard in his life to keep the relationships he had- like with Senritsu, Kurapika, and even Meruem.

Killua had known Meruem for years. They'd met just after Killua entered high school. Of course, had someone told Killua back then that he and Meruem would be friends, he would have begun wondering which of them lost their memory because when they met, Meruem was quick to threaten Killua, even if the white-haired teen had done nothing wrong- had only bumped into his shoulder. Killua knew, however, that had it not been for Komugi, the two of them would have never become friends.

Anyone who knew Meruem before he met Komugi, and knew that she was the catalyst, would easily be able to point out the change between the ruthless asshole that he used to be to the good guy that he became- almost over night.

Killua scrunched up his nose. He wondered if he'd changed at all since he met Gon. How many months had it been now? Only five? He wondered if these five months with Gon had done anything for him- bar the fact the two spent a lot of time together.

Several things hit him at once- as he thought about it.

He hadn't thought of himself as just another worthless rich kid in a while. He had made the effort of not thinking that he didn't deserve things. He had worked harder to hold onto the people he had around him- bar the moments he couldn't rightly explain, other than admitting that he had indeed acted like a little bitch.

Killua blinked.

He pulled his legs down off of his bed and sat up.

_Drugs._

_**The drugs.** _

He'd done less in these five months than he had in two years.

Was it because he kept himself busy with Gon? Because he cared-  _actually honest to god cared-_ about what Gon that of him? Because Gon was there and he didn't need to?

_He didn't need to._

"Holy shit." Fingers gripped tightly to white hair and blue eyes opened wide.

"I'm actually... actually..."

_I'm actually getting better._

_Right?_

Killua stood, wondering what he would be feeling if he weren't better.

He'd be feeling... invincible- but not in a good way. He'd be killing himself slowly, but he was... he was better.

At least that much he was sure of.

He felt better.

* * *

It was still cold, but it was something of a nice cold. It was a cold that struck deep into his skull and made him feel like he was there, made him think clearly.

It actually felt like a nice day to take a walk.

That walk, however, had also gotten him lost in a part of Padokea he hadn't been to in a while. Killua realized that much as he walked past his old high school. Hands in his pockets, he looked up at it. Four years he'd spent in that place, and though he'd only really been out for a year since, he felt nostalgic.

This was where he'd met Kurapika, Meruem, and Ponzu. It was also the place he had gradually cared less about. He remembered thinking that he would rather be out, slipping little white pills between his lips and meeting strangers.

Killua frowned.

Because he was better than that. He had made the effort and had become better.

So, the white-haired teen kept walking, down the street and beyond. Part of him wanted to return to the places he used to visit with Kurapika and Ritsu, and part of him liked the way things were now.

So he kept walking.

* * *

And after minutes upon minutes of walking, he found himself, once more, lost. He vaguely recognized the part of town, but he couldn't say any more than that. He was sure he saw a shop or something that he'd recognized a ways back, and he hoped he hadn't wandered into the bad part of town again. He certainly remembered what happened last time.

Looking around himself, at the store fronts and the street surrounding him, Killua realized something. This part of town looked a little more than vaguely familiar. Almost like he had passed it a lot of times but had never really looked.

God, where  _was_ this? He could have sworn he had seen it at some time...

He found his gaze drawn to one of the store fronts. He didn't know why though. It wasn't particularly brightly colored or anything, so he couldn't help but wonder why he had suddenly become so fixed on that pet store.

He hadn't seen it before, and it looked like a nice place. He figured he could take a look inside, nothing lost or gained from that. And anyway, he'd be able to look at the cute puppies and kittens. And god, he shouldn't be looking forward to baby animals this much.

And anyway, he was cold. The shop would be warm. He totally wasn't going in there for the soul purpose of fawning over tiny dogs and cats.

Totally.

He pulled open the door of the shop and praised under his breath at the fact that it was warm in there.

A bell rang, and Killua was reminded of the door to Kurta and how that one also had a bell. But it also smelled distinctly of animal, not like coffee, and Killua started to notice his mind drifting to a very singular thought.

_Where have I smelled this before?_

He discarded the thought and headed straight to where his quick scan had identified as the spot where the tiny animals had gathered. Because Killua was a sucker, and if Senritsu wasn't allergic to animals he probably would have already bought several dogs and cats.

He honestly couldn't help it. He had grown up in a house with four large dogs after all. Though only Mike really took a liking to him. All the others kept firmly around his father, unless guests were over. Killua understood that three Great Danes weren't always easy company for some people, and even Mike nipped easily.

Killua dipped his hand into the pen with the puppies. He thought tiny animals were adorable, of course, even if he had grown up with large animals. He thought it was cute how one of them had trotted over to him and had began nipping at his fingers with its tiny baby teeth. He liked puppy nips better than Mike nips any day, to be honest. Who wouldn't, though.

He heard a yelp just beyond him and glanced up just in time to see the strings of an apron glide beyond a fishtank in near the back of the shop. Which was weird, but he decided not to mind it and fixed his attention on the puppies again, spreading his fingers and watching the little one- a small black one that was probably a Lab- bat its paws at his hand. It was almost like the little thing was frustrated by Killua continuously moving his fingers. It made a little growl sound, which was adorable. He heard footsteps approach him once more from where the employee had retreated once, and didn't bother looking up.

It probably wasn't any of his business anyway.

"This is him, right?"

Killua looked up at that, worried that it was someone who knew him from his appearances on Bisky's show, yet when he looked up, he was surprised to find that it wasn't.

It was a girl with brown hair and the stiff red store apron, who had pulled over Gon, who was, coincidentally, wearing a stiff red store apron.

"Oh my god, you work here?" He found himself saying, though the words just kind of spilled out because he supposed that it was  _kind of painfully obvious_ that Gon did  _in fact_ work here.

"K-Killua... what are you doing here?"

Killua shrugged. "I was taking a walk, then I got cold and wanted to see some adorable tiny animals." He glanced back to the puppy that had successfully gotten a hold of his fingers and was now batting at his hand. "I wish I could take them home, but Ritsu's allergic. My life is pain."

Gon laughed, and Killua could hear his shoes clacking against the tile as he walked over to the pen and kneeled next to Killua.

"I totally understand that. My apartment doesn't allow pets. Which is probably why I work here."

Killua nodded. "If you like big dogs, I could introduce you to Mike someday." Beside him, Gon grinned.

"That would be awesome."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, the next chapter is the resolution for the Chrollo arc and I'm not writing it- my friend (CielPhantomhive) is. It's gonna be hella long and probably Kurapika centric, so I hope you guys all like it. She taught me everything I know.
> 
> And for a fun fact: Pockle and Ponzu (who were featured during the "my boyfriend is better than yours" contest) have been dating since their sophomore year of high school.


	31. Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conclusion of the Chrollo arc, written by CielPhantomhive.
> 
> From Kurapika's perspective. A look into his relationships with Leorio and Chrollo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some insight into characters that I, from Killua's perspective, can't get much into.  
> CielPhantomhive wrote this chapter, and she had a lot of fun writing it. She sincerely apologizes for the length; she was just so into writing the scenes that she didn't take into account just how long it would be.
> 
> After this chapter TNT will be on a little bit of a hiatus because I want to write some other stuff, and this thing is very time and concentration consuming haha

The sound of steam echoed off the walls of Kurta Coffee, ringing in the ears of the one who owned the place- and was also the cause of the noise. Though the steamer was often used, the blonde was surprised he hadn't gone deaf from the high-pitched noise, or burned from the heat. Every day consisted of the same thing: waking up in the morning at exactly five am, having a quick breakfast with Leorio before he left for work, working through the morning and afternoon, and returning to find dinner already made by the one he loved the most. Each night he'd go to sleep appreciating what he had and thanking whatever god was out there for the life that he was given. 

A lot had changed since his earlier years- of course any teenager's would, considering the fact that he was becoming more of an adult than he was before... but something within him told him that it might not have ended up this way. That something else could have happened, and his life would be completely different. And maybe it would have, if he'd spoken to Chrollo that day... The day that everything went south. 

Some days, on his break, he'd ponder life differently. If things had gone just a little bit better, if he hadn't acted the way he did or said what he did... 

Maybe Chrollo would be here. Maybe Chrollo would still be with him. 

"Kurapika, is my Americano done yet? You've been staring at it. I'd like to drink it." A raspy voice murmured.

"Ah- sorry!" Kurapika scrambled, shaking his head to free him of his thoughts. Leorio had ordered his Americano like usual, meeting him at the cafe like he so often did. The only time they really spent together was the evenings and the nights- and sometimes the mornings, too, when Leorio felt like getting up for breakfast. It was nice to see him in the shop once and a while. 

He slipped on a lid, and pushed it Leorio's way across the counter, remembering not to add straws. Leorio hated straws, and he never figured out why. Not that it was really all that important. 

Their fingers brushed as he passed the coffee over, and Kurapika's fingers withdrew sharply. He could never get over the tingle. Especially if it was an innocent sort of touch that happened by accident. Still, it had his heart racing, like he was going to fall all over himself and make a fool of himself. He hated how he practically lost all composure- especially in public- whenever Leorio was around.

Everything had changed when he had met Leorio. A lot, actually. They'd been together for nearly six months- or was it seven? It hadn't been too long before Leorio introduced Gon to Killua, he knew that much. Leorio was a kind-hearted man. A jealous one. Kurapika wasn't one to appreciate jealousy, but on the rare occasion that he was flirted with or checked out, it made him feel appreciated and wanted. Possessed, almost.

"Your cheeks are red." Leorio teased, pulling him from his thoughts. Again. 

Jerking, Kurapika took a step back, covering his face in embarrassment. "They are _not._ Stop making things up." Kurapika pivoted on his right heel, huffing just a little, but for all the world, he just wanted to laugh. Laugh, because Leorio would only notice something like that if he was looking for it. "Don't you have class today? Get out of here."

Leorio faintly snorted in the background, and Kurapika did his best to stifle what little noise he wanted to make at that. "I do, but I thought I'd stop by today since it's been awhile." 

"Hey Kurapika- Two lattes for the two gals off to the side. I'm handling the guy that just ordered." Pairo murmured in passing.

"Thank you, then. It was nice to see you." Kurapika smiled, shaking his head. Leorio raised his coffee, and gave a small wink as he turned his back. "Hey- thanks for the free coffee."

"It's not  _free_ , Leorio. I'm paying for you. Don't get used to it." 

As he turned to make the two lattes, and Leorio exited the cafe, Killua and Gon, lazing about on the sofa off to the side, watched the encounter with a bemused expression. It was obvious that Kurapika and Leorio were still getting used to one another, despite their maturity and high-functioning relationship. 

"You ever stop to think how those two act like one of those  _new_ couples?" Killua asked, leaning over. 

Setting his own cup down, Gon silently agreed, muffling his laughter with his palm. "To be honest, I think it's pretty cute that they do that."

"Do what?" Killua asked, raising a brow. "Flirt? It's almost sickening. I should have punched him. I should have punched both of them."

Gon shook his head, smiling, and lightly tapped the top of his head. "No, stop. Look- I think it's cute. They're making their own routine, doing stupid little things to make each other happy. Isn't that what a relationship is all about? Being happy?"

Killua's lips thinned, and he sat back with a small grumble. "Well, they don't have to do it in public..."

"That's part of the fun," Gon added, brightening as he watched Kurapika move about. "He seems to be in better spirits, doesn't he? I think it's cute how something small like stopping by can make someone so happy."

Killua laughed outright, and he glanced at Gon with a quizzical expression. "You mean like you yesterday when I accidentally found you at work?"

Gon blushed, and his gaze met the floor instead of Killua. "That- that was different. Don't bring that up. I got teased after you left." 

"Teased?" Killua said in disbelief, "What? Because they saw us together for the first time? Because they actually got to see--"

Gon waited for Killua to finish, but when he didn't, when Killua cut himself off, he glanced up at him, wondering if something was wrong. He searched that blue gaze- a gaze that quickly became an icy stare. Luckily Killua wasn't looking at him, otherwise he would have been worried.

"What is it?" Gon asked quietly, concerned.

"Trouble, that's what." Killua spoke, voice low and dangerous in a way that scared him. He hadn't heard a tone that had matched such an icy stare in a while- the last time he could recall such an intense mood emanating from him was when they'd had that fight. When Gon almost lost Killua for good...

Just looking at him now was enough to send chills down his spine. Swallowing the lump that grew in his throat, Gon twisted in the direction that Killua was looking.

His fingers found purchase around the soft cloth of Killua's shirt, wanting to not only hold something that would help calm him, but also hold Killua back if it was needed. Trouble indeed had found it's way into the shop, and it came in the shape of a human being. A man that hadn't appeared in a while, a man with slicked-back dark hair, and piercing eyes that scanned the room. Trouble was none other than a very dark and dangerous Chrollo.

"What's..." Gon whispered, but he couldn't bring himself to finish his question. His gaze flickered from Chrollo, who sauntered about, to Kurapika, who was catering to the two ladies not too far away. He hadn't noticed yet, but Chrollo's presence was so big and so strong that the entire atmosphere of the cafe had changed just with his entrance.

It was evident in the way Kurapika stopped talking that he'd noticed, too, that something was off.

"Kurapika." his voice, so low and ragged, echoed through the cafe. It took Kurapika all of ten seconds to notice how the entire cafe seemed to have frozen in place. Everything was silent- even the machines.

Kurapika swallowed so hard that his tongue knocked against the roof of his mouth and stuck there. It was like a dead organ in his mouth. His hesitation, his composure, his sanity all splintered, and froze in it's tracks. Unluckily for him, his body hadn't frozen like his brain did, and he was all but walking away from the two women- each with their respective coffees in their hands- ready to tackle the orders of people who were already at the counter waiting.

It wasn't until he was once again behind the counter, safely guarded by the counter top and various machines, that he had noticed that Chrollo followed him.

Nervously, Kurapika tucked his hair behind his ears, and dried his perspiring hands on his apron. "Um, can I... Can I help you?" 

Chrollo's eyebrow raised questioningly, and Kurapika stuttered. "Coffee? Hot Cocoa? Drink? Can I, um, take your order?" He clarified shakily.

Killua stood up at that, catching Chrollo's view out of the corner of his eye. Anyone with eyes could tell how uncomfortable Kurapika was, and the mere fact that he even was, made Killua want to punch the guy in the face. More so than before. Violently. He wanted to make him bleed. Gon, who had earlier secured his grip on the other, tugged him back down into the seat. The two fell into a quiet, urgent spat of whispering that was indecipherable from Kurapika's vantage point. He'd noticed their rising defense, and if he wanted this scary mood to vanish, Chrollo would have to leave. If he wanted to keep his customers and not have an anxiety attack, that was. 

"I came here for one thing and one thing only," Chrollo whispered heatedly, palms slipping onto the counter, back curving to ever so slightly peek over the counter. His gaze, trained solely on light brown ones, and for a moment- just a moment- Kurapika couldn't think of anything but his face. His familiar eyes that expressed desire, the slight curve of his full lips, parted, breath ghosting through the air because it seemed like he was holding back.

No, Chrollo  _was_ holding back, but he didn't know from what.

"C-Chrollo..."

"You. I came back here for you." 

Before Kurapika could even think about responding to something so ridiculous a proposition- before he could even think to explain that he was already taken by someone else- Chrollo was yanking him forward by the front of his apron, crashing their lips together like it was the most intense, desirable, and passionate thing in the world that they could ever do. Kurapika's palms met his shoulders, ready to push, but finding himself unable. 

He found himself... responding.

The way their lips moved in sync, falling into a simple pattern, twisting, finding, and exploring in a familiar way... it was something he hadn't felt in years. Something that he'd missed... Dare he even think that he'd longed for one last kiss like this when they had parted ways. His tongue met his, his taste just the same as it had been before; his eyes fluttered shut.

He was drowning. He was frozen. He was frozen in a block of ice, and falling into the deepest depths of the ocean. 

It was Chrollo's moan, though, that brought him to reality. Not only that, but the way Chrollo was ripped from him was also a factor. He gasped, as if he hadn't even thought about needing air, and he doubled over the counter with harsh, ragged breaths. He didn't cough, but he did savor the taste. The taste, the feel of his lips against his... all to bring things to a close. This was what he had hoped to feel before Chrollo up and left him all those years ago... no explanation... no calls or texts afterward- it was as if back then, he was just a child to Chrollo, tossed away like a useless piece of trash because at the time... at the time, Killua had been one of his only friends. He may have been book smart, but even then, he always found comfort in being alone. Because being alone meant that he wouldn't feel used, like Chrollo had used him.

His forehead met the counter, and once his breathing eased, he gradually let the world around him leak back in to his attention. 

"Think about it! I want you back!" Chrollo called.

Called, as from what Kurapika looked up to see him being hoisted by Gon, Killua and Pairo, out the front door of the cafe, and onto the sidewalk just outside. The doors were quickly locked- temporarily- as Chrollo pounded on the front door, screaming his name, calling out to him, trying to speak to him from that distance in the presence of everyone else. 

His fingers came up to cover his face, all blushed up and, now that he wasn't reeling from that kiss anymore, absolutely terrified. 

Because not even for a second had he thought about Leorio and what he would think. Not even for a single blip in the moment had he even considered Leorio's existence at all.

* * *

 "You sure you're okay?" Pairo asked quietly, voice low as the last customer exited the cafe.

Undoing his apron, bringing it over his head, Kurapika threw back his head to fling his hair out of his face. He tucked it behind his ears, and licked his lips nervously. When it came to Pairo, he could never lie. Unlike Killua or Gon- unlike Leorio or even Chrollo- Pairo was the one person he always needed to be frank with. He was the one person he could never lie to, no matter what.

"I... I really don't know. I'm worried about Leorio, though. I don't know what he's heard or if he's heard anything at all. I don't know how he'll react." He spoke softly, turning to hang his apron on the wall behind him.

"If he doesn't know, are you going to tell him?" Pairo asked quietly, mimicking his actions. "You're not going to tell Killua and Gon and whoever else was here to be quiet about it?"

Kurapika shook his head, eyes falling to the floor. Shame, regret, and the weight of his heart became such a heavy reality that he couldn't feel anything but exhausted. He wanted to sit down, maybe go to sleep, and drown out the rest of the world. But he knew the world would keep on turning, and that there was no stopping the inevitable. Unlike Killua, he didn't have an escape. He didn't want an escape. If he faced things head on, he wouldn't need one. That was his philosophy. That was what kept him going. 

"No- if he doesn't know by now... I'll tell him. I want him to hear it directly from me. If he doesn't, he'll only get mad. At least when I get home, I'll have the advantage because he won't be able to complain about me not telling him right away. Besides, it's important that he knows... If I don't tell him, I'll only feel guilty about it later and cave."

Pairo nodded ever so slightly, offering him a pitiful smile. "I'm sorry. That does sound like the best way to handle it... but I'd hate to handle something like that at all."

Kurapika shrugged, glancing down at the floor. "Well, I got myself into this mess, didn't I? It happened, and now I have to deal with it before it gets worse." He spoke, pulling out his key. "Tomorrow, I think, just to be on the safe side, I'll do some paperwork. I've been putting it off for a little bit, but it needs to get done. I'm sure Ponzu will be willing to help if you ask her. Tell her I'll pay her. Or maybe you could ask Gon or Killua? Well, actually, don't ask Killua because he won't care. He won't get orders right, either." He snorted. "Ask Ponzu or Gon. They'll do it right, I'm sure." 

Pairo laughed lightly. 

Kurapika always did enjoy the sound of Pairo's laughter. If anything, it set him at ease. Pairo, in these last few years, had felt more and more like his younger brother. He didn't know why, but that terminology helped ease him. He smiled softly at the other, and ruffled his hair. He laughed, too, at Pairo's protest.

"I'll see you tomorrow." Kurapika spoke warmly, waving Pairo off as he locked the shop and headed for home.

He supposed the one perk of having to walk home was that he had a little time to himself to think. When he wasn't at the shop, he was with Leorio at home- or somewhere. They'd made a point to have date night every Thursday, which was always nice, but it was hard to get home in time to get ready for it sometimes. But now- now he was only worried about Chrollo. He didn't know if he was out and about waiting for him to leave the shop and ambush him, or if he was simply just... hanging out in his place of residence. It was hard to tell- especially since he didn't know this Chrollo. 

Back then, during school, Chrollo couldn't keep his hands to himself. They hardly parted ways when they were together, but then, that wasn't too often. Between classes and work after school, and Chrollo's own friends, it was hard to find time to just be alone. On the rare occasion that they found time, they'd never separate. Even if he was a jerk sometimes.

But, he supposed, in Chrollo's defense, people staring at the two of them like they were some freaks wasn't something that Chrollo would have liked. Kurapika tried not to notice, had pushed the people that stared at him into the furthest corner of his mind. He was never really alone except when he went home or walked back to school. If he wasn't with Chrollo, then he was with Killua. It was nice to have two people that cared about him around him, but then... when Chrollo just left like he did, he supposed it was really only Killua that had cared. He hadn't left his side since the day they became friends. 

He'd long since put Chrollo behind him, but ever since he had shown up... His world felt so odd. He felt displaced, as if something wasn't right anymore.

Maybe it was their unfinished business. Maybe it was because suddenly, out of nowhere, the man he had once loved fiercely had come back into his life to ask him for a second chance. He really... He really didn't want to go there. He'd tried so hard, had fought through tears and countless sleepless nights to get where he was today, so as far as Chrollo was concerned, he was already over him.

But was he? was he really?

He thought he was... Maybe he wasn't. Maybe there was still a spark?

No... no there couldn't have been anything. There was nothing that kept him kissing him like that but closure. It had to be. There was no tingle, there was no racing heart like he got with Leorio. It was so different, so odd, and so...

So  _weird._

He took out the keys to his house when he climbed those steps, though he hesitated a little on what he would find inside. He'd never seen Leorio angry before- and he was sure he would be at the news- but having never witnessed his wrath, he was completely unaware of the storm he would eventually have to brave. Would he walk in on the entire house being trashed? His room's contents spread out across the house and trashed? Would he walk in to an icily calm, accusatory Leorio watching him enter? Or... or would he walk in to see a happy Leorio, dinner already on the table waiting for him to take a seat? It was so unclear that, as he unlocked the door, his fingers shook.

"L-Leorio?" He called out, "You there?"

They didn't live together. Who was to say that Leorio would even be there? What was stopping him from going back home and never seeing him again? What was to stop him from cutting all ties and relationships with him and everyone else?

His heart beat in his chest, pounding in that off way that it did when he was scared. 

The lights were on, so Leorio had to be home. He had to be here waiting...

As he walked through the front door, he took off his shoes and locked the door behind him. He was so nervous that he dropped everything at the door instead of putting everything away. The house was always so neat and tidy, not a thing out of place, but his mood determined how the house would be kept. Leorio knew this, but he also knew that Kurapika liked things neat and tidy no matter what. He was a clean freak, so he couldn't help it.

Swallowing hard, Kurapika ventured in further, nervously peeking around the corner to see if anything was out of place. Nothing was.

The kitchen light was on as he entered; he had no problem walking straight through it, passing the dining hall. The living room light was off, though... but the television was on. One of Leorio's favorites. It had to be him in there. Was he mad?

"Leorio?" He called out again, this time gently, cautiously, because he didn't know what kind of response he would get from him.

But there was no response- none, because as he rounded the couch, instead of finding a stiff, irritated Leorio, he found a sleeping one instead. Curled up around his pillow, backpack and homework spread out on the floor, Leorio took to sleeping horizontally on his couch. For just a moment, Kurapika couldn't help but stare. It wasn't every day that he saw Leorio like this. Leorio was usually the one to wake him up and the last one to go to sleep. Despite his eligibility to sleep in, Leorio made it a point to wake him up every day with coffee, a small breakfast, and a kiss. 

His worries seemed to drop for that second in time, and he ever so carefully took a seat on the edge of the couch, facing Leorio's sleeping form with a soft sort of smile. "Leorio..." He whispered softly, cupping that handsome face. His thumb brushed the stubble along his jaw. Goosebumps littered his flesh as that handsome man- that face, so precious- leaned in to his touch. His heart swooned.

Gently, slowly, he inclined his head, brushing his lips over his. The touch made him shiver in delight, but he didn't exactly know why. He didn't know why Leorio awoke a spark within him just by touching. 

He didn't want to deepen such a fragile kiss. The man, asleep and peaceful, didn't need to be so rudely awakened in such a fashion. His fingers, instead, ran through soft dark locks, feeling them just to feel. Touching them because he loved how soft his hair was. He leaned in and buried his face into his chest; after such a long day, this peaceful atmosphere was calming. It made him realize just how tired he was.

He let out a soft sigh, his free arm slipping underneath Leorio's upper back in an attempt to get comfortable, but what he got instead was a small whisper of his name, and yanked on top of the other.

A squeak fell past his lips, and as he looked up in astonishment, Leorio's soft brown gaze made him melt. 

Firmly grasped by his hips, Kurapika couldn't move even if he had wanted to. Leorio's grip was firm and persistent, neither wanting him to leave nor to move an inch.

"Well, hello." Kurapika smiled, cupping Leorio's jaw. "Did you have a nice nap? Or did I interrupt?" 

"Mm, you made it better." 

Kurapika laughed outright, shaking his head at the response. "No- no. Did you eat?" He asked, changing the topic quickly, "If you didn't eat, we should find something, otherwise I'll poke around in the cabinets myself."

Leorio's fingers roamed his sensitive sides, and Kurapika couldn't stop himself from squirming, and mumbling a small protest with heated cheeks.

"You're home a little later than usual. I figured you wanted some time to yourself or you ran into a friend. I cooked dinner, but I put it in the fridge for you just in case you didn't get the chance to eat yet. I wasn't sure."

"You ate already, then?" he asked softly, running his fingers through his hair as those teasing fingers paused.

"I did." Leorio responded softly. He craned his neck, taking his lips in a soft, gentle kiss. "Welcome home." 

Kurapika slipped off of him, but kissed him right back. The feel of his lips felt so right against his own that he found himself smiling into the kiss. 

"Mm- hey. Wait." he said, pulling back. "Sit up- there's... there's something I have to tell you. It's important."

He coaxed Leorio up into a sitting position, and he softly smiled as Leorio rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "Mm? What is it?" 

Kurapika immediately climbed into his lap, wrapping his arms around his neck. His face took it's place against his throat, inhaling deeply, feeling the strength and assurance of him. Leorio was sturdy, always his rock. They were the same age, after all, even if Leorio did look a bit older than he was. 

Strong arms wound around his small frame as he was pulled tightly inward, crushed, nearly. Kurapika didn't mind. It helped him calm down as his heart started to speed up. The topic he was about to bring up wouldn't be a pleasant one, and he knew that Leorio wouldn't like it at all, but the fact that he was holding him so tightly brought forth that spark. That small little bout of hope in his chest that Leorio was different. That no matter what would happen, Leorio wouldn't abandon him like Chrollo did. That was something he knew made the two different.

"Do you... Do you love me?" Kurapika asked, needing to make sure, just in case. Not that it would help any. He was already so emotionally attached to Leorio that if anything happened, he'd surely be crushed. He just had to have a little faith in Leorio. He couldn't be cursed... right? 

"No matter what? If anything at all happened, you'd still love me?" 

Those arms squeezed even tighter, but loosened a little when he grunted. "Kurapika... what's this all about? You're starting to scare me... did something happen today?" He asked worriedly.

That tone... That shaky voice made it easy to decipher that Leorio was worried- but then, he'd already said that. 

"Do you? Will you promise me that you'll still love me after I tell you? You have to promise..." He spoke softly, burying his face into his collar. He just couldn't bear the idea that Leorio would stop loving him over it. It was ridiculous. 

A small huff fell past those lips, and Kurapika tightened his arms around his neck.

"Of  _course_ I promise. I've told you before and I'll say it again- I love you more than anything in the world, and if something happens, I want to work it out. I mess up a lot, so I suppose that's why I even said it, but it goes for you, too."

Kurapika winced, just a little. The guilt was already starting to build- and so quickly. He thought that maybe, as more time passed after the fact, that he wouldn't have thought it was such a big deal. It was only for closure... But that didn't mean that it made it any more okay. Leorio deserved to know that he had been kissed by another man. Another lover that he hadn't quite stopped loving... Leorio didn't know everything about him, after all. They were both still a pretty new couple, both still learning things about one another...

This was just one of the harder things Kurapika didn't want to have to share. But then, how exactly was he supposed to tell his boyfriend that he was still in love with another man? That there would always be that one little part of him that would always love Chrollo...

He grit his teeth, and cupped Leorio's jaw. His nose pressed into the junction of his jaw and throat, and he took in a ragged breath. He was scared. He... hadn't been scared like this in such a long time...

"Please... Please don't get upset. It's a very big deal, and... and it'll be something you'll have to live with if you want to be with me..."

"Kurapika, please- what is it? I'm dying here... You're scaring the shit out of me."

"I-I'm sorry," Kurapika cringed, "Just- I can't lose you. I love you. I love you so much- I just... I need you. Now more than ever."

"Kurapika, if you don't say what it is right now, I'll force it out of you." 

Kurapika swore he hugged him too tight. That he was suffocating the man he loved. But if he was, Leorio didn't make a sound. 

"T-today... an hour or so after you left... I saw someone. An old friend..." he spoke quietly, mutely, afraid that Leorio would detect how badly  _speaking_ about the encounter was affecting him. Leorio lapsed into silence, quietly listening while his fingers roamed up and down his back in soothing motions.

"It... It was someone from high school..." He hitched out. "His name was Chrollo. Chrollo Lucilfer. He and I dated for three straight years- from Sophomore year to Senior year, and he just... he left. He left without a single word, and I was a wreck ever since..."

Leorio stiffened, no doubt because talking about a past love was difficult. Especially when it was coming from the one person he was in love with- a man who he thought was his own. Kurapika continued quickly because he hated the tension and he wanted it to be over already. He just wanted to curl up with the man on the couch and feel his strong body against his own like he was now. He wanted the tense, uncomfortable atmosphere gone, and he wanted it to be over.

"He came into the shop once before, but I did my best to ignore him- but he came in today, and... and he  _kissed_ me without even... without my consent, but I-"

Leorio clenched him tightly to his chest, crushing Kurapika's face into his chest. "Sick bastard..." Leorio hissed out. "I'll kill him. He's a dead man."

"N-No, Leorio, I'm not done." Kurapika gasped out.

It wasn't until Leorio was wiping under his eyes with a gentle thumb that he realized that he was crying. Crying so much that he could barely see Leorio's softened gaze.

"He kissed me, and I wanted to push him away, but I couldn't... I kissed him back... He wants me back, he screamed it at me, and I just..."

"You... you did what?" Leorio interrupted. 

His thumbs fell away from his face, and Kurapika fell into a fit of sobs. He couldn't stop his voice from breaking, his throat from closing, or his eyes from blurring his vision with his own tears. 

"I'm  _sorry!_ " Kurapika exclaimed.

Leorio was tense. He was silent, and Kurapika was too high-strung to pay much attention. He was crying hysterically- he hadn't known that such a small thing would make him feel this terrible. He hadn't known he would cry right in front of the man he loved the most. He hadn't known... if he had, he probably would have told Leorio that something had happened, but it was something that Kurapika couldn't keep himself together for. He might have had Gon explain it, because Gon seemed like the type of person who would understand... maybe. 

"And... and you said... yes?" Leorio asked tightly, teeth clenched, muscles contorting because he was just that stressed out.

"No! No, I didn't!" Kurapika exclaimed in a hiccuping gasp. 

"So you said no?"

"...I - no. I didn't say that either..."

Leorio instantly removed him from his lap. If Leorio hadn't been so wound up, he might have realized that that probably wasn't the smartest choice.

Kurapika practically screamed. He wailed and cried, and hid his face like the child he was. Like the child he had always been. His mind was racing a mile a minute- no. A mile a second because he couldn't wrap his head around the fact that Leorio's actions didn't match his words. If he had been able to calm himself, he might have seen that Leorio was only pacing in front of the couch.

If Leorio had been paying attention, he might have seen just how devastated Kurapika was, and how utterly destroyed Kurapika was becoming. He was practically falling apart. 

"So- so you let him think that he had a chance? Is that what you're telling me?" Leorio said icily, though he remained calm and paced the room.

That was exactly what Kurapika had done. Sure, he may not have yelled no out loud, but somewhere buried deep within his soul, a part of him wanted to say yes. That was why he had hesitated for so long at the counter. That was why, even as Chrollo raged at the front door to his cafe, he couldn't get out a single word. He was frozen stiff, and for the rest of the afternoon, despite the worrying glances and the 'are you okay's, Kurapika hadn't been able to look at anyone in the eye at all. 

"So, then... you love him, too?" Leorio asked, voice cracking because it was just that painful to admit the truth out loud.

It was painful for Kurapika, too, at that. That crack, that pained voice, still laced with just a little bit of sleep...

"No- I just..."

"You just? You just what? You want him, too?"

"Leorio- listen to me... please."

Leorio's palms covered his face, and he doubled over in front of the poor thing. "Say it- say you don't love him, then. Say you hate him. That you don't want anything to do with him. Tell me that, at least."

"I..."

Kurapika sniffed, watching his lover still through the shimmering waves of his own tears. They were falling just as quickly as they were replaced, and there was absolutely nothing that could make them stop at that moment. Not with Leorio pouring out the conditions he needed to stay sane. 

And the worst part... was that he couldn't give him that.

"I... I can't..." Kurapika said hoarsely, drawing his knees into his chest. He buried his face into his legs, praying for it to all be over soon- he wanted to eat. He wanted to feel Leorio pressing against him again. He wanted him to drive him wild. He wanted to feel every part of him in that intimate way that Leorio always wanted to. He wanted to reconnect. He wanted everything to stop.

But it was not so.

"Why? Why can't you?" Leorio asked hoarsely, croaking out such a question that seemed almost too hard to speak.

When Kurapika looked up, he saw Leorio's palms overflowing with tears. It was a sight he'd never wanted to see- never in his life had he witnessed Leorio fall apart in such a way. It practically broke him just looking at him like that. He wanted to crawl into a hole.

Cursed. He was definitely, undoubtedly, cursed. 

"I just... I can't."

"...Because you still love him, don't you." Leorio practically hissed out. Hissing between his teeth. Clenching his teeth because he had finally reached his limit. A limit he never thought he'd be driven to.

"Fine- that's fine. But you can't have us both, if that's what you want." He choked out. He fell to the floor, and Kurapika heard the shuffling of papers.

Raising his head, he saw Leorio on the floor, gathering his homework and hastily shoving it into his backpack.

"W-wh... Leorio, where are you going?" Kurapika asked sharply, fearfully. In that moment... he couldn't breathe. 

"Home. I'm going home." 

"Why? What? Leorio- I thought you said we'd talk-"

"We did. We talked. But you can't fix this. You can't want two people, that's not how this works. You of all people should know that. I know that. Better than anyone else in the world, I know what it's like to have old flames pop up and proclaim their love for you. But I chose you because you were different- because I thought you gave a shit about me. Because I thought you'd see only me for who I am, and no one else. I chose you because I truly loved you. All of you... I thought you were  _different."_

Kurapika scrambled off the couch, practically falling, but catching himself on Leorio's waist. His face was completely red, tears by the bucket-fulls dripping down his face. It wouldn't be long before he would have nothing left within him to cry out. "Leorio! It's not like that, I promise!" He cried out. "I love you, you know I do! I love you so much, please! Please don't go!"

Leorio's palm found his own face, crushing the tears that wanted to escape. He found himself dragging his backpack and Kurapika to the front door. Kurapika wouldn't stop crying; he'd never seen him this way... so broken, so scared, and so... alone. So utterly alone. 

Leorio's tongue wet his drying, cracked lips, and he shook his head. "Kurapika... I just... I need some time..."

Kurapika's eyes widened at that.

Widened... because that was the same exact line Chrollo had fed him all of those years ago. 

He recalled it in an instant. That fight. That promise to come back, only to be forced to move on the very next day... It was happening all over again. Kurapika couldn't stomach it at all. It was deafening to hear, but it shattered his soul. Never again had he thought he'd be in so much pain again... but if anything, not only was it happening for a second time, it was also ten times worse than before. Because this time, Leorio was making it blatantly clear that he was leaving. For good.

His fingers, having turned white from their desperate hold on Leorio, suddenly loosened, and returned to their pink color. His grip, once so strong and so forceful, loosened. He fell off of him, face practically against his feet. Feet that were easily moving away to slip into shoes. 

His sudden silence had that nothingness ringing in his ears. Just like that steam... Like the steam of the cafe.

His face, slowly, carefully, fell to the floor. His body, splayed out from the fall, remained in the same uncomfortable position. He could feel nothing, so he didn't care. Leorio was... he was leaving him. He was honestly leaving him, and he wasn't strong enough to stop him at all. Just like Chrollo, he was being left behind.

His entire body shook, still, where it lay. He couldn't muster the strength to watch Leorio go. He couldn't watch him look at him with that piteous, disgusted look. He really... he really was disgusting after all. 

No one could be trusted- not even the one you love. It was that simple. No matter where he turned, who he talked to, or where he was... he would always be alone. Always. There hadn't been a single moment where he hadn't truly felt that way. Leorio... was everything, and yet... yet, despite their promises and their so-called love, Leorio was still leaving him all alone.

"Goodbye, Kurapika." That soft voice whispered.

The last time he would ever hear it, no doubt. That soft edge... His hard body against his own... that last kiss...

There would not be a next time. Leorio was making that blatantly clear.

Before he could even muster up the courage to make a sound, to force a hoarse 'i love you' from his own shaky lips, the front door clicked, and the entire house lapsed into silence.

* * *

 Emptiness.

That was the only word Kurapika could use to describe how he felt after that.

Somewhere inside of himself, he thought that, perhaps, Leorio would come back. That Leorio would show up at his door step and actually want to talk. Several times during those few painful weeks, he'd gone by Leorio's apartment. It was stupid, actually, because he knew that Leorio wouldn't be there. He knew, too, that even if Leorio was, he would never open the door to him. 

Each day was worse than the last. Killua and Gon, Pairo and Ponzu, and on occasion, even Meruem and Komugi- they all tried to lift his spirits. At most, Kurapika could manage a hello and goodbye. 

The foundation of his life had been shaken to it's core. Just when he thought he could trust someone enough to let them into his heart, he was immediately abandoned. His faith and hope was for naught. He was... destined to be alone. He would always be alone.

Sometimes, though, it was hard to accept. At the cafe, he often saw couples. Like Gon and Killua, they rambled on about random things. Not a single thing seemed amiss, and though he often found himself watching others more often, he also found himself making a ton of mistakes, too. Not that Pairo blamed him, though. Ever since Leorio had gone, he had found himself mute. Completely, hopelessly, mute.

He couldn't remember the last time he smiled. The last time he really had a proper meal, either. Well, maybe the other day, though, because Killua and Gon had forced their way into his home. They cleaned up, took the trash out, and made him a dinner.

It wasn't the same as Leorio's. It would never be the same... and though he was thankful for their efforts to get him back onto his feet again, it was hopeless. He was hopeless. His eyes were baggy, darkened, and hollow. His once bright brown gaze had dulled, practically to a lifeless hue.

Killua took on quite the concerned expression, too. He hadn't told him, though, about Leorio. He hadn't told anyone about Leorio. He figured they had guessed- or at least, they figured that something had gone wrong. The fact that they didn't see Leorio at the cafe wasn't unusual- he usually didn't have time to stop by anyway, but Kurapika's strange behavior, his regression, could really only be caused by one thing.

Because Kurapika was sensitive, because he was so careful and so fragile, even something small could hurt him. But something this drastic, this horrible, couldn't have been caused by something so small. 

Killua and Gon had it figured out the second they came to his apartment the other day. Perhaps they had their own speculations at first, and perhaps they were even a little skeptical at first, but by the time Kurapika opened the door, it was so painfully obvious that something had happened that he really didn't need to say anything at all before they barged in.

Killua, especially, was worried. He was always looking out for him, actually... He even inspected Leorio.

If only Killua could have predicted his heart break, then maybe things would have been a little different... but...

Kurapika would have still ignored Killua, even then. Leorio had made him happy for the first time in a very long time, and even if he knew the impending heart break, at least he would have prepared, and savored every second of Leorio's touches. Every kiss he ever gave him, every accidental brush of skin against skin...

"Kurapika, you really need to start taking care of this place. If you don't, you'll need a permanent babysitter."

Kurapika would have laughed, but Killua always had that funny way of speaking the truth of a situation.

"You need to get your act together. You're already falling apart at the seams- are you really going to let that meat head get the better of you? I thought  _I_ needed help."

He always got you where it hurt the most, too. 

Funny... he was always like that. 

"Hey- you know you need to talk to me sometime, right? You can't just...  _not_ talk."

Of course he could. He could do a lot of things. He could even close the cafe if he wanted to- not that he would, but it was still always a possibility. 

"Kurapika- look at me."

Dull, brown eyes lifted, raised to meet a soft blue gaze. A gaze he was familiar with looking at, a gaze that he trusted. Killua was always someone he trusted, but he was always someone who brought about the ugly truth that he never wanted to see. With Chrollo, he had told him from the beginning that there was nothing that he could do. That he was just one of those rich bastards that thought they could have whatever they wanted. That Chrollo was full of himself, and let him go because he thought he could do better elsewhere. He was told that he was too good for Chrollo, and that Chrollo's loss was someone else's gain.

But in reality, Kurapika had never let him go. Not for a second. He'd held on to the childish hope that one day he would return and tell him that it was a mistake. That it was some misunderstanding. That he was forced to part from him for some odd reason. Maybe he was forced? Maybe he was threatened or coerced? 

Ah, but such childish hope that was. It was something he clung to even as he grew up, even as he became the adult that he was. Granted, a poor excuse of one, but one nonetheless. 

And through it all, Killua stood by his side, coaxing him out into the world despite his own troubles. Despite everything that Killua had gone through, there was never a moment that he could recall that Killua complained or begged for help. He honestly couldn't recall a time when there'd been trouble- or when he'd asked for help. Killua was so strong- stronger than him, for sure- and to suddenly lapse into drugs was... unlike him. But Kurapika allowed it- how else could he, when the strongest person he knew was suddenly overcome with weakness...

He felt for him, but didn't know how to help him at all. If he knew a way, he would have helped Killua by now. But for some reason... as he watched Killua, day by day, week by week, he began to realize something.

He began to realize that he hadn't been called on in such a long time. That no worried calls had been made, and no complaints from Illumi or Hisoka had come through. From what he'd witnessed, it looked like...  _Gon_ was his cure. Was his way of healing and getting better. It was obvious with the way they were always with one another. 

So, then, Love was the answer? Love was how Killua handled it? Certainly he knew that his family had loved him... but perhaps that wasn't enough. Perhaps, what was enough, was to know that a complete outsider who knew next to nothing could learn to love someone like him.

"Kurapika." His name was echoed. "You're looking at me funny. I want to know why. Tell me why."

If love was the answer... Then he sure fucked that up. 

It would explain a lot of things, though. It would explain how content he was with life, like nothing bad could ever happen to him so long as Leorio was by his side. It was the best feeling in the world, even if he did feel a little alone at times. Leorio couldn't always be there, he wasn't always close... but it was nice to come home to him every day. It was nice to kiss him, let him sweep him off his feet and take him to bed sometimes when they missed each other that much. 

" _Kurapika._ " Killua snapped, bringing his fingers close to his face, clicking his fingers a few times to bring him to his senses. 

It did. It startled him a little.

"Can you at least say hello? You've gone mute, and I don't like it."

Kurapika avoided that gaze instantly. What was there to say, really? 

Killua stood, chair grating against the tile floor. Kurapika didn't even blink. He was used to abrupt actions like that coming from Killua. He was used to explosive anger and harsh shoves.

Somehow, someway, he wished he would get hit. He wished Killua would hit him, beat him up, or torture him. He just... he wanted to feel something. Anything.

"Killua..." He croaked softly. He supposed it had been quite a while since he'd last said something other than a greeting. "...hit me."

Killua, whom had moved directly in front of him, placed his hands on his hips. "What the hell for?"

"Just... do it. I deserve it." Kurapika spoke quietly. "All of this... was my fault."

"No." Killua said sharply, gritting his teeth. 

"You have to. I mess everyone up... I'm pathetic."

"Well, you know, with that attitude, I fucking might." Killua growled. His fist met the top of Kurapika's head- not hard, but hard enough. "Snap the hell out of it. It's not the end of the world, okay? Leorio's probably just as broken up about it as you are. You're asking me to throw you a pity party and take care of you- and I'm not going to do that. I have my own problems. Leorio actually loved you, you know that? I'm pretty sure that he walked out because he had no choice. You were probably too stupid to notice, but whenever something goes wrong with you, it's usually a misunderstanding."

Kurapika's dull eyes met Killua's for a second time. He didn't flinch at Killua's hand.

"But it  _wasn't_ a misunderstanding."

"Wasn't it?" Killua asked, practically insisting. He bent down to his level, palms on either knee to keep his balance. "I'm sure there was a lot you didn't get to say, right? Knowing you both, it was probably about Chrollo."

Kurapika winced, and shied away.

"Listen- I have my own problems to deal with, and I can hardly resemble anything close to sane when we're both out of commission. Talk to him. Resolve it. I don't care how, but you both are stupid. Really fucking stupid, you hear me? Just because this is your first fight doesn't mean you'll never see each other again. Leorio was hurt because you kissed Chrollo, right? Er... let him, I guess. As long as you pour your heart out to him, I'm sure everything will go back to the way things were. He's just as stubborn as you are. Hit him if you have to, but at least try talking to him again. It's been weeks, he's probably wishing you would call him or try."

He already had. Many times. He'd tried calling, showing up... he'd even tried to find his school at one point. 

"Go to work tomorrow," Killua encouraged. "Go to work, and you know what? Everything will be fine. Also eat more; you're practically a stick."

Kurapika shook his head immediately. "Everything won't be fine- I was born to be alone, Killua... it was like that from the start."

"Now you're asking to get hit again."

"So hit me."

"I'm really fucking tempted, but it wouldn't change anything."

Killua stood at his full height, and offered his hand. "Walk with me to the cafe. Gon and Pairo are waiting there. Since you left in the middle of your shift, everything has been a little hectic. Just because Pairo says he can cover you doesn't mean he actually can. We all say things we don't mean sometimes."

Kurapika, hesitating, could only look at his palm. It was out, waiting to be taken. 

That last sentence rung in his ears.  _We all say things we don't mean sometimes..._

How true. If Leorio did love him, then... then did that mean that his goodbye was a lie?

He glanced up at his friend. His friend, dear to his heart, who'd gone through so much already and still found ways to keep him on his feet. What a remarkable person he was, despite what he was already dealing with. If he found back doors to happiness... then Killua could pave the way for him, too. 

He took his hand, even though his heart screamed at him not to. He wasn't emotionally prepared to go back to work, to force a smile and pretend to act like everything was okay when it wasn't. His world was falling apart, but to a customer, he was just fine. 

Hoisted up, Killua pulled him into a hug. It wasn't a very big hug, but it was tight, and it startled him. He didn't know what to do with himself, but when Killua tightened his hug, Kurapika felt tears well in his eyes, and his arms slipped around his back.

"It'll be okay, Kurapika. Just a little longer, you'll see."

Kurapika buried his face into his friend's shirt, trying to stifle his sobs. He didn't like crying in front of people - hated it, actually. Killua was the only person who'd really witnessed him cry before. Leorio had been the only other, but that hadn't been on purpose. 

Killua's small, warm hand ghosted over his back, trying to comfort him, even if he was shorter than the other. Kurapika didn't care. He was pathetic, in the middle of a breakdown, and clinging to Killua so tight he wondered if he could still breathe easy. Pathetic indeed, but... strangely reassured. 

"Come on, let's go back now." Killua encouraged, voice light and soft because of Kurapika's fragile state. It wasn't every day that he was like this. It had been such a long time since he'd last felt broken, like the world was falling apart. 

With a small nod, Killua led him by his hand out of the kitchen, and out of the front door. They didn't talk the rest of the time, nor did they do anything else. Killua held fast to his hand, not letting go for an instant, even as they both walked through the cafe together. Gon greeted them both, hugged Killua, and told him where he'd be sitting. Still, Killua didn't let go. Not until he safely placed him behind the counter, and encouraged him to take someone's order.

"You see that guy at the counter? The guy you're always serving every single day?"

Kurapika sniffed a little. "Yeah? The one with the silver hair and hat?"

"Yeah. He's been asking for you for a while. Pairo offered him several drinks- some even on the house because of your absence, but he won't have anything unless you're the one that makes it. It's a little strange... I thought maybe he's just choosy. Go talk to him."

 Kurapika's gaze slid from Killua to the man at the far corner of the counter top. He was silent, skimming his newspaper as he did every morning, but obviously without a single coffee cup by him. 

With a small sigh, Kurapika patted Pairo on the back, murmuring his small thanks before slipping his apron on. It was a routine he was familiar with, even though everything was off. He knew exactly what the man ordered every day, and went about making it. It was an odd sort of order, one he never gave anyone else but him. It was a blueberry vanilla latte with skim milk. He hadn't tried it himself, but he was thinking about putting it on the menu. It was a unique drink, and he was sure that if other people knew about it, they'd want to try it. It was a shot in the dark, but he  _did_ run a cafe. It wouldn't hurt to put it on the menu. 

"You left rather abruptly; did something happen?" The man asked, adjusting his hat and flicking the newspaper. As Kurapika set his coffee down, it was quickly taken up and drunken with swift gulps.

"No, nothing. Don't worry about me, sir." Kurapika spoke quietly, forcing a smile. "Everything has been kind of chaotic lately, though. Don't worry yourself."

"Liar." The man said, setting his coffee down. His dark gaze lifted, meeting Kurapika's innocent brown ones. 

"Ex... Excuse me?" Kurapika asked, a little startled. This customer usually didn't say more than a handful of words to him at a time. It was strange. He'd never been accused before, either.

"You're a liar," the man repeated. "It's in your eyes. Ever since Mr. Lucilfer came in, you've been running around in a daze. Today looks a little better, though. You remembered the skim milk this time." 

Kurapika's eyebrows shot up. "What? What do you mean? I've... I've forgotten before?"

"You've forgotten plenty over the past few weeks, Mr. Kurta." The man said curtly. "From blueberry syrup and skim milk, to your reminders to your friend. You've forgotten to remind him these past few weeks to take his medicine. He either stopped, or you forgot, and I think the latter is more likely. Haven't you noticed how pale your friend over there is getting? He's been working a lot lately."

Kurapika's head snapped toward Pairo in alarm, his fear spiking through the ceiling. He couldn't believe this. A total stranger was just... tearing him apart. Making him realize that he was so into his own self-pity that he hadn't been paying much attention to anything else but himself. Pathetic indeed.

"He's getting sick, but I'm sure that's just a cold." the man murmured, sipping his coffee. "Once you talk to him, I wouldn't mind getting another one of these. Please remember to add an extra pump of blueberry, though. That's what you forgot this time." 

Kurapika's spine tingled, and his limbs shook as he took what the man said into account. He hurried over to Pairo, who was currently handing over two coffees to a man and his son. 

"Pairo- Pairo." Kurapika said worriedly. He gripped his shoulders as he looked him up and down. He was indeed a little pale. Paler than usual... 

"Kura-- Pika..." Pairo spoke, startled to see a little glimmer of life leaking back into his dulled brown gaze. It was so fascinating that he didn't have anything else to say.

"Have you been taking your medication these past few weeks? God, I haven't been reminding you, have I. When was the last time you took them? What did you have for dinner last night? When did you fall asleep? How many hours of rest did you get? How much have you been working?" He spewed. He couldn't stop looking all over Pairo. He was too busy asking him questions to notice the protesting customers at the counter.

"When was the last time you--"

"Kurapika, enough! Let the poor thing go." Killua hissed from not too far away. He was standing, and Gon's fingers were laced with his. "We'll take care of Pairo, don't worry."

Gon nodded, and approached the counter, hand in hand with Killua. "Yeah- he's been working hard lately. Pairo- why don't you go on break for a little bit and get some rest? I'm sure Kurapika can handle some of it. He does owe you." Gon reasoned.

Surprisingly, it didn't take long for Pairo to cave, and for Kurapika to be a little satisfied. Just a little, though, because when he turned around, he was scrambling to get the next order.

When he finally got to the man with the hat's order, he did his best to remember everything. He remembered the extra pump of blueberry and the skim milk, and he wiped his brow from the hard work he'd put in. He'd barely felt those ten minutes. 

"Kurapika," the man called. As he looked up, he found the man staring right at him. He tapped his own temple, and pointed at the cup. "The vanilla."

Kurapika instantly face-palmed, and he turned to grab the vanilla. He didn't know why he was able to pump out other orders just fine, but when it came to this regular's coffee, he always found himself screwing up more than necessary.

He stirred the coffee, capped it, and slid it over.

"Straws, Kurapika. Straws."

Shit.

He grabbed two straws and handed them over, apologizing quickly. "I'm sorry, sir. I don't know what's been going on with me recently..."

The man rolled his eyes as he stuck his straws into his coffee. "I'll be needing another one after this, just so you know. I have a lot I have to do today around... Four. So, like, in two hours." The man murmured.

"I'm sorry." Kurapika repeated, bowing his head. 

The man didn't respond, but when he finally raised his head, he slowly tapped his temple again, and pointed.

Pointed behind him.

Confused, Kurapika turned to look in the direction of his finger. It was stupid, really, how easily his heart stopped beating at that moment. He froze up, and for a moment, he couldn't breathe or think or rouse enough courage to talk.

"Talk to him. He's right there. I'm sure everything will be alright afterward." The man whispered.

Right after that, the man with the hat pushed his back, encouraging him towards the direction he pointed. The direction in which faced was Killua and Gon and Pairo- who, breathtakingly, were all talking to Leorio.

Leorio, whom he hadn't laid eyes on in weeks. Hadn't heard the voice or the laughter of in fucking decades. He felt like he'd died... and here he was, a cool drink of water in the middle of a desert. He couldn't believe how easily Leorio quenched his thirst at just the sight of him. 

He swallowed, breaths uneven and ragged like he really was parched. Like he was sweaty and exhausted and his cure- his water- was right  _there._

"L... Leorio..." He whispered quietly, hesitantly approaching. He was still behind the counter, and he hadn't spoken loud enough for Leorio to hear, but if the man had turned, he might have seen the agony and longing in his gaze.

Licking his dry lips, graced only with the sight of the back of his head, he approached. He barely dared to breathe. It was like they were the only ones in the room besides Killua and Gon. It was like the world had fallen dark, and the spotlight was on the four of them. His stomach flipped and twisted, his gut clenching because he just didn't know what to expect.

And he really didn't expect it at all. He didn't expect Killua to grab both of their arms at the same time, once Kurapika was close enough. He barely had time to register the fast-paced walking, the harsh grip on his bicep, or the words that Killua uttered. He did hear, though, Leorio's protests. He heard Killua's name on his lips, and his heart felt like it was thudding so hard it'd burst. He felt like he was going to explode, and perhaps he might have gone crazy if he didn't feel that sharp jerk and the sound of metal clicking.

"Fuck- Gah... Kurapika are you okay?" 

Another click sounded, and all he could see through his dazed vision was Leorio's finely built form scrambling up- he fell?- from the ground to slam his palms against a door. A door that, apparently, was locked from the outside. 

He pushed himself up off the ground- he fell too?- and sat up, eyes briefly fluttering shut because he could hardly believe it.

"Jesus, I can't believe he actually threw us in here, that bastard." 

His voice... so warm and familiar. Something he'd longed to hear for weeks.

"Come on, get up. Are you okay? You didn't hit your head too hard did you?"

That warm body, the body he'd dreamed of touching once again over these decades, was once again against his own. His chest, so hard and so strong, cradled his back.

His head was swimming, and it took him a moment to truly grasp their surroundings... and their situation. Of course, Leorio helped a little with that, too.

"Damn. Isn't this the storage room? Where you keep the syrups and new shipments of coffee beans?" 

Kurapika shifted, breath light and tentative as he shifted.

"God- you really did hit your head hard didn't you... I'll have to have a word with Killua as soon as we get out of here. Or maybe I'll just punch him. That works too. I've been meaning to punch him for a while for how stupid he is."

Kurapika shook his head a little, more stunned by Leorio's voice and his touch rather than the impact of the concrete floor. He hadn't felt the impact to begin with, so he must not have hit it. Killua was always careful; he was sure he was okay.

From the outside of the storage room, Killua was getting the talking-to of his life. Courtesy of Gon, of course- the only one who seemed to be able to in the first place without getting a sharp reply.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Gon cried out in a squeaky tone, "Throwing them in there like that... all you're doing is going to make things worse! And to top it all off, what if you gave one of them a concussion? They're locked inside- you could get arrested!"

Killua rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "They're not like that, they'll work it out. Leorio called me every damn day to complain to me and tell me how much he still loves him. He's just a little butt hurt because someone else kissed him."

"It was  _Chrollo_ that kissed him, Killua. An ex isn't exactly-"

"He'll get over it. They're like an old married couple. Everyone as ancient as they are have their fights. What happened happened, and if they're dumb enough to let something like that get between them, they must not have loved each other enough... and Kurapika isn't like that. Normally Kurapika doesn't dare try to get close to anyone, but for some reason, Leorio got in. Quite the achievement, actually, for someone so stupid. I wonder if Kurapika just liked his face..."

"Killua, be nice." Gon warned, little hands on his hips, huffing like a child. "And don't you dare roll your eyes at me."

Snorting, he did that anyway. It didn't help, certainly, but it did make Gon's face red. 

"Listen," Killua breathed harshly, yanking him down onto the sofa. "Leorio got through Kurapika's metal wall, which means that not only did Leorio get over the wall with extreme effort, Kurapika also accepted him. They both love each other to death. I'm quite confident that Leorio knows what he's doing, despite his obvious stupidity. Whatever he did with Kurapika worked, so I'm inclined to leave it to him to decide what's best for them. Once Kurapika falls in love with someone, there isn't any sort of restraint. He loves unconditionally, and that is why he built his wall. He can't keep falling in love and getting hurt. I went through that hell once with him- because of Chrollo- and neither of us wanted that. Leorio pushed hard enough and broke through. It's up to them to get over it. Two people who love each other that much don't just quit."

Gon fell silent after that, not sure how to respond to such... a detailed explanation. Killua didn't often explain the reason behind his actions, but as Gon sat back with his coffee in hand, he realized that Killua always had good reasons.

Besides the drugs, that was. Everything had a reason but the drugs.

* * *

 Silence settled over the two at-odds lovers. There wasn't much to really say, despite how hard Kurapika wanted to hug the man. He knew it wouldn't happen. Knew that Leorio wanted nothing to do with him anymore. He deserved it, really, but that didn't stop his gut from being pierced. 

Or the fact that his heart felt crippled and beat irregularly.

"Is there a way out of here if you're locked in? Do you have a key?"

A sharp clash of body against metal sounded, and Kurapika scooted back against the wall, drawing his knees to his chest.

Leorio had been trying to break down that metal for a solid fifteen minutes, and Kurapika was too stunned about everything to even speak. He'd lapsed, really, into his regular silence. He had nothing to say- what had been said a week ago was all he had to say, and it looked like Leorio wanted nothing more than to be free of his presence.

"Kurapika- do you?"

Kurapika didn't look up. He couldn't bring himself to. His keys were in his coat in the break room, and he was sure that even if he did have his coat, Killua would have found a way to take his keys from him and any available object to use to get out. All he could do was shake his head and look at his knees.

They were stuck until Killua decided to let them out. 

He held his knees closer, and buried his face into his arms and legs.

The painful realization that Leorio just wanted out, to run away forever and never see him again was practically crippling, and because Kurapika was seeing it with his own eyes made it worse. It made him want to die. 

"Dammit." Leorio hissed suddenly. "Look at this- that brat. Look what he slid under the damn door."

Still, Kurapika didn't look up. He didn't want to... because he knew that the sight of Leorio would make him cry again, and he'd already cried himself out. His fingers had scratched his ugly skin raw. He'd scarcely eaten anything at all, either. Perhaps it was because he hated himself, or perhaps it was because he was punishing himself- the line was too blurred for him to know... perhaps it was a little bit of both. Ruining the only good thing in his life was the worst thing he could ever do, and after finding happiness after so many decades of pain...

Destroying himself was pretty damn easy.

"Hey, Kurapika. Look at me, would you."

Kurapika buried himself deeper, and squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't mean to defy Leorio again, but if he had another break down, it might just affirm Leorio's decision to go. He knew how ugly he could be when he had a break down like that. When he cried himself senseless like he did the last time he saw this man. He'd done it in the mirror so many damn times after Chrollo left him... His mind took a vacation, and he was nearly driven to insanity. He'd come too close to hurting himself more times than he'd like to admit, and even though he never marred his skin, the internal damage had already been done. Before even a year had passed, Kurapika's self-worth had diminished to next to nothing. He'd felt so broken and so empty that all that kept him going was Killua. 

Every day he was visited, Killua always made him get up, shower, dress himself, eat, and go outside to play wherever they could find a place. He never wanted to play, but it did distract him from his thoughts sometimes, and it did help him calm down. That type of exercise was what helped piece him back together. Taking over Kurta Coffee, too, was somewhat filled with therapeutic intentions.

"It says... That we have to 'kiss and make up' in order to get out." Leorio spoke quietly. His voice seemed louder. The light pops of his knee caps, too, and Kurapika knew- with him so near- that he was bending down before him.

"They want us to talk, so... lets talk."

Kurapika couldn't bring himself to speak. Not like this. Nothing was supposed to happen this way- he didn't want to talk if Leorio was going to be forced to. He didn't want to hear forced lies in order to exit a room he was trapped in.

"I'm... I'm so sorry." Kurapika found himself whispering. His voice cracked, and despite only seeing darkness, he felt the prick in his eyes. He wanted to cry, and he seemed to be starting to... but he didn't want to repeat that night. He wasn't strong enough to endure. After that bout, if he was lied to and then left behind... he didn't know what he'd do. He'd come so far, and he thought he'd finally gotten better.

He didn't. Not really. Leorio was there to prove that. 

"Sorry for the situation or sorry that we're trapped." Leorio asked, trying to pry his arm from his face.

Kurapika didn't allow that. He didn't like that. His touch was burning him, but he was already backed against a wall. There was no where to run, no where to hide, and there was no way they could get out if they didn't talk.

He was half tempted to pretend things were okay just to let Leorio out... but he'd done that for most of his life. He was tired of pretending, even if he was good at it. He wanted to be just a little selfish... but reality always made things harder. He didn't deny that at all, but it did feel good to reveal how broken he was without caring who saw. No one could fix him, no one could put the pieces of himself back together, and no one could force him to do anything he didn't want to. He was impenetrable, yet extremely vulnerable. What Irony.

"Kurapika, do you want to talk to me at all?" Leorio asked. Kurapika wasn't quite sure, but he thought he had detected a tremor in the man's voice. But he couldn't be sure. Maybe that was himself going insane. Maybe that was his psyche manipulating his hearing out of pity.

"I... I can understand if you don't. I did walk out on you... But if you can understand, being told that the person you love is in love with two people is a little... well, it's a little disconcerting..."

"I'm _not_ in love with two people, Leorio." Kurapika whispered quietly, hoarsely. He hadn't really realized he'd spoken until after he'd said something. It was a little surprising. "But that's beside the point. If you want to feed me lies to get out, that's okay. I'll pretend they're real so we can leave... because I know that it's important for you to get away from me. I know that... I know that you want nothing to do with me anymore, either... so you don't have to pretend like you're still thinking about it... that you need time... I've been fed that line before."

"Kurapika- no. No, that's not... No." Leorio protested. "Please look at me. It's been a while since I've last seen your face..."

Kurapika shook his head despite his firm posture. He didn't want to be seen. He didn't want to give Leorio the satisfaction of shaking him up. He couldn't do it anymore. He'd go insane for sure. "Who cares about my face? We just need to get out. Let's focus on pretending like we talked. These walls are insulated, so most of the sounds in here are muffled anyway. If we don't talk, they won't notice. It's not like anyone will hear anything anyway. If we wait it out, I'm sure they'll let us out."Kurapika spoke softly.

Leorio only growled at his response, and sat back. Silence fell over the two, and it nearly broke his heart how easily Leorio agreed to it. It only seemed to reinforce the idea that Leorio wanted nothing to do with him anymore. He didn't know how he'd ever get over this. He didn't know if he'd even survive him. Leorio had been the only one who had tried to get through to him. The only one he'd ever seen that had gone to the extreme just to get a hello from him. He'd pressed for his name. He'd pressed for an entire conversation. He'd gone months trying to talk to him at this coffee place. He'd gone months trying to coax information about his home and his friends and family. He'd jumped through every hoop, and tackled every obstacle Kurapika had thrown his way. He could only remember thinking how much time Leorio had on his hands if he was trying to waste his time on making him feel better or befriend him.

If he seemed lonely, it was because he was. But that didn't mean that he was ready for friends.

He certainly wasn't ready to be kissed when he was, or asked out like he eventually was. But it was Leorio's sincerity and the gentle way he'd kissed him that had him saying yes. It was his dedication that had him looking twice, and what kept him reassured was the way Leorio never ceased to visit him or hold his hand when he could.

"You really _don't_ want to talk to me anymore, do you." Leorio stated, leaning back against the wall next to him.

Kurapika sat stiff, quiet, even though that was only half true. It was the way that he said it that made him partially object. Not talk to him? No... but there was a reason for that. The fact that he added 'anymore' was what really got to him. He didn't know if he should respond to that or let it fall as true. There was only so much time before Leorio would take it one way or another, and he didn't have the heart to explain anything. He'd already done his explaining. There was nothing more that needed to be said. Except, maybe, a small 'only because you don't want to, either.'

Leorio's head thumped against the wall, and a loud sigh escaped his lungs. "God... where did we go wrong, Kurapika."

It wasn't really a question, more like a reminiscent thought. Gone wrong? Well... Maybe everything had gone wrong when he didn't listen to that little voice in his head that suggested he tell Leorio that he didn't want to go out. That, while the kiss was surprising and appreciated, he really wanted nothing to do with him. If he'd known the heartbreak and torment it would cause, he would have listened to it in the beginning.

All of a sudden, his arms were wrenched from his face, and Leorio was picking him up under his arms. Kurapika couldn't protest at all because of how quickly he'd moved. How quickly Leorio's knee was between his legs, pinning him to the wall with a palm gripping both of his wrists. His gaze met Leorio's for the first time in weeks, and all Kurapika could do was stare. He could only stare at his handsome face, his hair dark and disheveled. He finally noticed the bags under his eyes and the way his eyes reflected his masked pain.

For the life of him, he couldn't figure out why.

"If you don't want to talk, then we won't... but you have to tell me the truth. I can only live with the truth. When you kissed Chrollo, it wasn't because you didn't know. It was something else, and you're going to tell me. Right now. I can't leave until you do. I have to know."

Kurapika's eyes didn't leave his, but he shook his head.

"He just kissed me-"

"I know you can't possibly love him, too. If you love me, then you can't possibly love him. That would contradict what you said earlier."

"I  _don't_ love him-"

"Then why? Why did you kiss him back?"

"Leorio, I said I don't-"

"Tell me. Right now. I know you know."

"Augh!" Kurapika exclaimed. He tried desperately to free himself from Leorio's grasp, but it was to no avail. If Leorio had wanted him to push him away, he would have let him. He was dead set on getting an answer he was happy with.

"Kurapika, tell me, or I swear to god." Leorio threatened lightly. His fingers fractionally tightened on his wrists, and Kurapika grunted.

"Tell you that I kissed him back because I wasn't thinking either?"

"That's not it and you know it. You know why you kissed him. Out with it."

"Leorio, I don't know what you want from me!" he cried out, eyes squeezing shut. "I didn't lie to you, I honestly wasn't thinking!"

"That's not an answer. Tell me!" He growled out, leaning closer. Perhaps to appear more intimidating. It didn't deter him.

"I  _did!"_

"No you didn't!"

"Yes, I did!"

"TELL ME RIGHT FUCKING NOW-"

"CLOSURE!" Kurapika screamed. He was getting a little tired of being talked at, and he hated it. He hated being treated like a child caught in a lie. He wasn't lying to begin with.

"I FUCKING KISSED HIM BACK BECAUSE HE JUST LEFT ME, AND ALL I WANTED--"

His back hit the concrete floor so hard he got winded. Never in his life had he felt like he was physically struggling. All of his hardship had been mental, and because he was gasping for breath definitely informed him how out of shape he was. Domestic living did that to a person, he guessed. 

"No, for closure, all you need is an explanation. That's all you get. He kissed you because he wanted you back, and you knew that, didn't you. You knew it when he kissed you." Leorio spoke. His words were so slow and so icily calm that it made his entire body shake. He was still regaining his breath. It was a wonder how his head didn't hit the floor. His tone was dangerous and scary. He wanted to run away, but the look that he gave him... How they locked eyes right then... 

Tears formed in his eyes, and they fell up his temple. He couldn't tear his gaze from his determined, icy stare. It rivaled that of Killua's, except it was... personal. It was as if everything rode on this conversation, this moment in time, this look...

And he couldn't do it.

"Tell me why you kissed him."

"...Closure. Honest. I kissed him because I wanted to- one last time..."

"Maybe at first, knowing you... but I don't think that's why. Try again."

"It just happened, I--"

"No really. Kurapika. If you don't give me the truth, I'm walking out of this room, and I'm never coming back again."

Just the  _threat..._ The knowledge that Leorio wouldn't come back... having him say it out loud made him cry. Just like that, the flood gates had opened, and he cried.

How his life was falling apart this easily was heart-wrenching. He felt powerless, broken, and weaker than he'd ever felt before. Weaker than even the day Chrollo left him. He wouldn't survive Leorio. He just couldn't.

"Now, let's try this again." Leorio said, voice hoarse. It was never easy to see the one person you love cry because of something you did, but it was important. All of this was important.

"Why did--"

"Because I wanted to!" He screamed, well, cried in that sense. He turned his face from Leorio, who was practically on top of him, knees and palms on either side, but that didn't stop him from turning on his side, and crying into the concrete.

"I did it to spite you. Because you don't love me! Because you never really loved me, okay? Chrollo loved me once, and the way he kissed me..." 

He couldn't breathe. He didn't know where all of this was coming from.

"Since day one, your kisses were hesitant, like you weren't sure you made the right choice. Your words, careful and considerate because you didn't want to make me mad. It was like you were tip-toeing around me, trying to make me feel better with your presence, and you wanted that to be all. You wanted me to be satisfied with that! You cooked me dinner, you helped me into bed, you woke me up and made breakfast, you visit me at work, and you occasionally let me hold your hand because you think that it'd help me, but that's not enough!" He hiccupped between his words, his thoughts free-flowing through his mouth. Each word was foreign, yet it came together like a puzzle piece. It was like a mystery was being solved, and he wasn't aware that he'd been the one solving it.

"You  _never_ let me even touch you! We never kiss to kiss- we never touch or fool around or do stupid things! We can't be a couple that way, so when Chrollo came- when he kissed me- I felt LOVED. I KNEW IT WAS WRONG, BUT I WANTED YOU TO SEE THAT LOVE IS INTIMATE AND PERSONAL, AND WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS NOT LOVE! I WANTED TO HURT YOU. I WANTED YOU TO SUFFER THE WAY I'VE BEEN SUFFERING- BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN LOVING ME, SO WHY SHOULD I LOVE YOU? PARADING ME AROUND LIKE A TROPHY IS NOT SOMETHING I WILL DO FOR YOU!" He screamed. He screamed after that, too, just to scream. Crying, too. He did a lot of crying. He hiccuped and cried, and screamed. He turned to the concrete, resting his cheek there as he cried. His face, stained red, his emotions reigning just like they had that night, if not worse.

He felt numb all over. 

"There we go... that's what I wanted to hear." Leorio whispered quietly. 

As Kurapika cried, Leorio climbed off of him, and ever so carefully scooped him up into his strong arms. 

No words could be spoken in this time of grief. All Leorio felt inclined to do was hold him in his arms, and cradle his head. His fingers dug through his golden locks, and he encouraged him into his collar.

It wasn't long before Kurapika's cries turned into sobs, and his slender arms wound around his neck.

"Hush, now... Everything is alright." Leorio spoke gently, cupping the back of his head. He swayed gently from side to side. Now that the truth was out, there was no reason to push any longer. There was no reason to say anything at all- Kurapika had earned his moment of silence in his moment of weakness. He'd been holding himself together for so long... He'd been bursting at the seams, and he should have known that something like this was going to happen. 

By the time Kurapika's sobs lapsed into soft hiccups, Leorio's coos and reassurances fell, but he didn't stop hugging him.

"Kurapika, we have a long life ahead of us," he whispered against his cheek, which was hot and a little bit wet, still, from his tears. "There's no rush to do anything. I didn't want to put you into a position that would make you uncomfortable and scared. We're still new, we're still exploring one another. We're still getting comfortable, aren't we? These things... they don't just happen. Some people rush into relationships because they think they can handle it, and some take it slower. We're slow- and you know what? I think that's okay. Whatever you want to happen, let it take it's course. You never know what will happen. People can be... unpredictable. I'm sorry that you felt like I was showing you off just to boast- I do like to show people how lucky I am, but that wasn't my intention when I asked to be with you." He reasoned softly.

He pulled back and wiped the tears that still dripped from Kurapika's eyes. 

"I haven't kissed anyone before you, so I'm still getting used to the feel of it and the fact that I can kiss you whenever I want. This is the first relationship I've ever had, and because you're so special to me, I don't want to ruin it. I don't want to mess up, because I know how important all of this is to you. I'm slow, and I apologize that you've been waiting for me this whole time..." He added.

His lips brushed up his cheek and pressed to his temple. It was soft, but it was firm. It was gentle, and it was kind. 

Briefly, Kurapika's eyes fluttered shut; just the feel was settling him slowly. He wasn't quite alright... but he was getting there.

Leorio cupped his face, thumb brushing his bottom lip as he pulled back again. "I  _do_ love you, Kurapika. Very much. I just have a hard time expressing it sometimes... and I know that I'm sarcastic and witty and rude, but... when it comes to you, I'm a mess." He whispered, a small smile finding its way to his lips. "If you can forgive me for this whole misunderstanding, I'd very much like to correct some things. Losing you is something... something I can't bring myself to live with. It hurt just leaving you there. It hurt even worse when you followed me around. I didn't think you cared enough to tell me what had really happened, so I assumed that I wasn't worth it to you. I see now that I should have considered my own actions first instead of assuming that what I was doing wasn't enough."

They'd never really fought before. They had no valid reason to- but this sort of apology, though carefully spoken, was sincere. 

"May I kiss you?" Leorio asked quietly, wiping the rest of the tears from his face.

Even though Kurapika's face was red, even though he knew how ugly he looked in that moment, Leorio's soft eyes and honest question had him nodding, because yes, more than anything he wanted to kiss him. 

And just like that, their lips met.

It was like peace had settled over them. The kiss was slow, but not as careful as usual. Leorio hadn't hesitated this time, and though it was aimed a little lower than usual, it was quickly corrected as the kiss continued. Their lips molded, fit, and peeled apart only to reunite and start all over again. It was calming, and Kurapika finally felt like everything was going to be okay. Nearly losing Leorio like he did was a scary experience he never wanted to go through again, but he knew that there would be more misunderstandings and more hurt.

But that was just how relationships worked.

If you never disagreed on anything or voiced opinions, it didn't seem like a very intimate way to live. You never assert who you are that way, Kurapika knew. 

Melting into that kiss, Kurapika sat up, adjusting his position in Leorio's lap. He never wanted this to end. He didn't want to stop kissing him- kissing this way just... felt so much better.

Better, but the best part, he would later realize, was how Leorio took control of it. How, after kissing so slowly and so gently, he started to get confident. He started... kissing him the way he wanted to.

He let out a soft squeak as his lips were parted, and Leorio's tongue met his. It sent shivers through his body, and it was all Kurapika could do to hold on. His fingers dug into the front of his shirt, kissing him back with fervor because this was  _Leorio_ that was kissing him. It was  _Leorio_ that was doing all of this. 

When they parted, Kurapika was gasping for air. He didn't know how long they'd been kissing, but long enough for him to need to breathe.

"You said that we never touched- that we never fooled around or did anything stupid..." a grin spread on those handsome lips- lips that had been on his just seconds earlier. "Would you be open to that now?"

Kurapika, still dazed by the kiss, went red. "Um- uh. Now?  _Now_ now? Like... in this storage room? In... In my  _workplace?"_

He swore Leorio grinned like a mad man.

"Are you  _insane?"_ Kurapika hissed. "These walls may be insulated, but I'm sure they heard us yelling."

"Insane? Yes. Very." Leorio smirked. "If you wanted to fool around, now would be a good time to do it. Who knows, maybe Killua will let us out if he hears us."

" _Or maybe he'll open the door and the entire fucking cafe will see us!"_ Kurapika hissed through clenched teeth.

Leorio's hot palms fell to his hips- which had gotten tinier over the weeks they'd been separated. It was merely a consequence of Leorio's distance from him, but he ignored it. Leorio didn't, though.

Despite his suggestion, he found Leorio's eyebrows scrunched up in concern. He leaned down to is chest, thumbs massaging his hip bones and his warm body. His skin was sheltered by his shirt, but it was immediately removed in a second.

Kurapika, suddenly realizing his shirt was gone, wrapped his arms around himself in embarrassment. 

Leorio hadn't seen him like this before. Granted he'd showered while Leorio was in the next room over, but Leorio hadn't even seen him in a towel, much less with his shirt off. He had always kept a respectful distance from him, and Kurapika had appreciated that for the first month or two, but afterward he found himself wishing that Leorio peeked or wanted to see more of him somehow, but he never did.

"You're skinny." Leorio commented tightly.

Kurapika swallowed thickly, and lightly, quickly tousled his hair before crossing his arms over his chest once more."I was skinny before, Leorio." He played off, trying to reassure him.

"Sure- sure... but not  _this_ skinny. This is... This is you skipping meals, Kurapika. That's not okay." He reprimanded lightly. "When was the last time you ate something?" 

Kurapika sighed softly, but his breathing hitched at how Leorio decided to squeeze both of his hips. He may have gotten smaller, but it wasn't like his ribs were showing.

"Ah- ah, don't. That tickled." he gasped softly, trying to hide a little smile. "I ate lunch at home just before you showed up. Killua and Gon have been over several times this week, don't worry. Please. I'm fine, I promise." 

Leorio pursed his lips in disapproval. "Well- I guess that means I can't go all out yet." 

...

"Wh- what?"

Leorio's eyes lifted, a glimmer of humor in those brown depths.

God. Kurapika could smack him. 

Blushing up to his ears, Kurapika squirmed. "Hey- no, what? Wh-what do you mean by that?"

"Exactly what I mean."  Leorio spoke teasingly. "Since you're  _ready,_ I guess I am, too." He breathed.

Kurapika had no idea what he was getting himself into, but he got an idea when Leorio pulled him into his lap and let his fingers wander. Leorio had never touched him like this- never even tried- so when he touched, caressed, and massaged, it was an entirely different experience.

Kurapika didn't know what to do with his hands. He didn't really know what to do with any part of himself, really. He didn't know what he was supposed to do... except kiss him. He may not be as inexperienced and clumsy as Leorio, but he did know a thing or two about kissing despite what little he'd experienced himself.

His lips met his, but Leorio's met his own just as quickly. They crashed together, Leorio greedy, Kurapika needy, both desiring the exact same thing. To kiss, to be kissed... To be rough and free to touch... Storage room or not, both knew where this was going. Where it was leading. Both knew the risks and the consequences... but they both blamed Killua. Blamed him for his stupidity. Who in their right minds threw two people who were completely obsessed with one another in a room together and didn't expect anything but talking to happen? Clearly an idiot.

Tongues rolled and crashed together, a soft moan wafting from tiny lips. It would seem that Leorio caught on quickly. He, indeed, was a quick learner.

Before the kiss could reach its full potential, Leorio was pulling away for air. A soft whine escaped Kurapika, but it died in his throat when Leorio's shirt swept up his fit body, and over his head. Seeing him for the first time... he was awestruck. Every muscle rippled with the physical power he knew he had. Leorio could throw a wrecking ball with his bare hands with those sleek slabs of muscle. He was beautiful. He couldn't stop looking. How Leorio kept his body in such shape was beyond his comprehension, but he didn't have time to think too much about it before Leorio's hands were on his, lifting them to place them on his chest. Warm. No, he was hot. He was burning him.

"Touch me, too, Kurapika..." He whispered softly, leaning in to kiss his temple. He remained there, waiting, listening to their rapid breaths.

Kurapika, when given permission, almost immediately began to feel. His fingertips danced across his shoulders, and down the front of his body. Someone this fit couldn't possibly exist- yet here he was right in front of him. The fact that he was his, though, was stunning.

"Leorio..." He whispered quietly. His heart pounded in his chest, and for only saying his name, he was immediately kissed. 

Melting. Kurapika was melting. He was becoming a puddle right before Leorio, and it didn't take much more than a kiss to do it. His fingers slipped everywhere, groping that hardened flesh while they kissed. Feeling each other like this, kissing like this... He couldn't describe just how happy it made him. He could live for so long just with these kisses and these touches. He couldn't imagine it getting any better until Leorio was on top of him, ridding him of the rest of his clothes. Leorio's shirt was flattened and trapped under his back to prevent the harsh sting of cold concrete against his warm bare skin. He didn't know if Leorio planned that or not, but the fact that he was completely naked in the next moment was what got his full attention. 

He felt like he was on display, and his arms weren't long enough to cover all of himself. Call him insecure, but having Leorio stop and stare at him like this was more than embarrassing. Or, at least, embarrassing until he was kissed, and the clink of a belt signaled Leorio's own clothes being removed, too.

His arms wound around his neck, pulling him down to deepen the kiss just because he wanted to know what it felt like. He wanted to know what being kissed deeply felt like... he wanted Leorio to steal his breath away. He was obsessed- completely insane for him, really- yet he couldn't help how close he brought their bodies because of it. 

Kissing felt like a reason to touch, to be close, to hold and brush against one another without worrying about anything else.

And Leorio gave him exactly what he'd asked for- and more. Kurapika had to tear away from the kiss just to breathe, just to keep awake. His limbs were shaking from it, but it didn't stop. The second his lips were torn away, Leorio found something else to latch on to. His neck, the unwilling victim of an even harder kiss. Soft whimpers escaped him as he craned his neck to give the love of his life more room to work. 

He wanted him to use his body like a canvas, painting him with his tongue and taste every inch of him because he could- because Kurapika wanted him to know that he could. His fingers raked down his broad back, gasps on his lips as that mouth took its time. That mouth, sampling him, lapping at the sweat that beaded on his skin from his neck down. Touching him, tasting him, being underneath him was like a dream. 

Blushed from head to toe, eyes screwed shut, his fingers found their way into the dark mass of hair that framed that perfect face. He felt his stubble graze his chest, and those nimble fingers follow each kiss. His chest was on fire, each touch like an ember. 

"You're hard." Leorio commented, smiling softly over his heated skin. 

His Love dared to brush his arousal, and Kurapika let out a rather loud whimper. His body quaked and clenched, and he found himself squirming as Leorio fell lower and lower. 

Maybe he wasn't ready after all. Maybe he wanted to wait- maybe this was a bad idea--

He cried out as his erection was taken by those hot lips. Lips that set ablaze the fire in his belly. He tore at those perfect locks, earning a grunt from the other. He wasn't deterred, though, from his sudden reaction. Those lips took long drags, slurping, tasting every hard inch of him. He was completely flustered and embarrassed beyond belief, but he couldn't bring himself to make him stop. 

His gasps quickly melted into moans. Loud moans. He was quickly realizing that he was too vocal. He was a little worried about the people in the cafe- the walls weren't sound proof, and he didn't know what he'd exit to... but he didn't want to know. He didn't want to think about it.

Not that he would really be able to once he felt those warm fingers disappear, only to rim his puckered entrance. His fingers were slick and a little colder, but he gasped at the feeling. He could barely breathe, especially with Leorio going down on him. He was being driven to the brink of insanity so quickly that he hardly knew what to do with the rest of himself. 

He felt like he was going to explode at any moment; his stomach clenched and he bucked his hips into that hot mouth, but he cried out loudly when that rimming finger entered him knuckle-deep. Those lips let his hardened member go, and he slid back up, forehead pressing against forehead. For someone who'd never done this before, the sensations were phenomenal. The intrusion was foreign and it made him squirm, but Leorio's gentle cooing and warm kisses calmed him. 

His arms wrapped around his neck, and he gasped as that finger, soon joined by others, stretched and explored him. He could barely hang on to Leorio, it felt like nothing he'd ever experienced before. 

"L-hah, Leorio, they'll hear..." Kurapika spoke softly, in vain attempt to disband their position. Not that he really wanted to, but he also didn't need his customers hearing them.

"So be quiet." Leorio murmured, kissing his slightly parted lips.

In the next moment, Leorio removed his fingers, and traced down his inner thighs. "You're shaky- do you want to stop?"

Kurapika shook his head immediately, his body lifting to touch any part of the man that he could. "No- just... I wanna go home..."

"You mean you want to be loud." Leorio teased.

Kurapika blushed and glanced away. "N-no, that's not at all what-- FUCK!" He cried out, his body spasming as Leorio's hardened length brushed and pressed against his entrance. He hadn't even thought about that. He hadn't seen it, he hadn't felt it... but he certainly felt well-endowed. 

"Shit, fuck..." He cursed, his head craning upward, throat exposed as he desperately tried to scramble for sanity. The heat was blistering, and he felt that small bit of pressure, the nudging length asking, practically begging for permission.

Leorio towered over him, parting his thighs, lips hovering above his with one palm beside his chest for balance. His other hand was elsewhere, not that Kurapika cared to look. But when his adam's apple was bitten, he cried out, and faced the man.

He  _had_ to have done this before. There was no other explanation. 

"Kiss me. Hold on to me and kiss me, okay?" Leorio whispered, nose dragging from jaw to ear. All Kurapika could manage was a nod, and then they were kissing.

His back was lifted and cradled as they kissed, Leorio swallowing whatever noise Kurapika could make. He swallowed the scream, too, when he entered. When he pressed in about a quarter of the way. Kurapika's thighs shook under him, and it was plain to see how quickly he was becoming overwhelmed. He kept kissing him, allowing spots to breathe, cooing to the poor thing that was turning to goo beneath him. He kissed down his neck, murmuring sweet nothings, not moving a single inch because he was tight. He was on fire, really. 

This scorching heat only succeeded in making him even harder. As it was the couple's first time, he assumed it wouldn't be long for either of them. Leorio, of course, had the stamina to go all night, being the well-oiled machine that he was, but Kurapika was frail and fragile like a doll. He was made of porcelain, breakable and tiny. He didn't know how long the other could go, but he was ready to find out if he needed to.

"Relax," he cooed, "You're very tense. I'm not in all the way yet... Look."

He arched upward, granting Kurapika the best view that he could. And the look on his face was priceless. 

To Kurapika, well-endowed simply wasn't the right word. The massive thing, partially already inside of him, was beyond anything he'd ever lain eyes upon before. It would certainly explain why every time he'd gotten on his lap to hug him he thought it was a seam or fold in his pants. Clearly he was just that, well, big. 

"I- I s-see..." He gasped softly.

"Relax, okay? Relax. I promise I won't move until you're ready."

Screw being ready. Once he was inside of him, Kurapika knew he'd get the pounding of a lifetime. 

He did his best to relax, focusing on kissing the man above him with easy pecks. His fingers even toyed with the ends of his hair. When Leorio was able to slip even further in, Kurapika gasped in shock. He didn't know if he could do this. Leorio - he was just too big... He didn't think he could handle it. 

Of course, that thought was pretty stupid, especially when Leorio spoke again, easing him, cooing to him in reassurance. The idea of such a massive thing all the way inside of him, brushing the sensitive places deep inside of him wasn't exactly reassuring. As sensitive as he was on the outside, he had to wonder if it would hurt more than it would actually feel good.

Quickly, he learned that he was dead wrong.

Leorio kissed him softly, slowly, withdrawing, brushing every spot inside of him. He gasped, but then screamed as Leorio's belly brushed his arousal, too. He was going to burst. He felt it. He knew it was coming. Heat trickled through him, and he gasped and squirmed despite Leorio's attempt to calm him. He had no idea if he was hurting him or pleasuring him, and he almost stopped. He really almost withdrew- until Kurapika was speaking. Begging, actually. 

"Fuck- Leorio... God, fuck me. Do it. Right now. Please..." He gasped out in a muted voice. "I can't take it- do it hard."

Hard? Of course- at home maybe. Kurapika was already so vocal that Leorio did fear that the people in the cafe would hear. He'd have to take things just a little more slowly.

He had no right to deny Kurapika of what he wanted- especially when he wanted the same thing- but it would have to wait. Just until they were home again.

His lips captured his in a breath-taking kiss just a Leorio started moving. It wasn't fast, but it certainly wasn't slow, either. The friction against Kurapika's arousal matched the speed of Leorio's thrusts, and for once Kurapika was silent. From Leorio's vantage point, he knew he was anything but silent. If anything, he was silently screaming. His mouth hung open, his fingers digging into his back so hard his knuckles were turning white from the pressure. His eyes, wide and locked on with his own, only spurred him on.

They both were shaky, moaning mutely, fear of being heard painfully clear, yet it didn't dim the pleasure. Connecting for the very first time like this... it was almost too much.

Both breaths grew ragged, Leorio's hips moving a little more frantically because he couldn't hold himself back all that much. They were on the brink, and he wanted to fall together.

Foreheads meshed, lips parted, breathing frantically over each others lips from the effort to remain quiet. The effort ceased, however, when Leorio captured his lips in a hungry kiss, and thumbed that aching, red-tipped head that dug into his belly while they kissed.

They both used the kiss to muffle their cries as they both came in unison. Kurapika was a mess, both inside and out; he was filled to the brim, but a puddle ran over his stomach every which way. A mess that, as their kiss ended, Leorio was more than happy to clean up himself.

They were panting hard, sweat dribbling down their bodies, exhaustion overcoming the both of them. Kurapika smoothed his back while he watched his lover lap at the mess, swallowing every drop; he watched him kiss his way up his chest; he watched him eventually kiss him.

Nimble fingers dug into his hair, smoothing dark hair while they kissed the afterglow away. Though the two wanted to remain, they had a store to run, and customers to take care of.

Leorio cradled the other in his arms, lifting him off his shirt that had grown cold despite the heat of Kurapika's back. "We need to get dressed, Kurapika." He murmured softly, kissing his temple.

Kurapika wrapped his arms around Leorio's neck, burying his face into him as that strong body rippled and moved around his weight. He didn't want to really move at all, but Leorio was. He was moving for him.

He smelled good, too. He smelled like he normally did- except better, because it was stronger. Maybe it was the sweat that made him smell so good, or maybe it was because he was close enough to feel his heat and his sweat against his face, and take in every bit that was Leorio.

"Here- get yourself dressed. If Killua opens the door, I don't want him seeing you naked."

Kurapika blushed, but slipped off shakily to grab the clothes he'd previously worn. His middle felt a little sticky, and he felt the mess inside of him slip out, but he didn't know what to do about that. He had nothing to wipe himself up with, and it would surely ruin his pants if he put them on. The most he could do was slip on his shirt.

"Um- is there a cloth laying around? A dirty one, it doesn't matter- anything?" Kurapika asked softly, trying to cover himself.

"This is a storage room... don't you have a shipment of towels?"

Kurapika shook his head. "I bought hand towels at the store and I wash them at home and bring them back. It's a waste to purchase more when they're reusable." Kurapika murmured.

"Fair enough... but it doesn't look like there is one. Why?"

Blushing, Kurapika shook his head. "Um, I uh... can't put my pants on."

"Why?"

"What do you mean _why?_ I'm dripping- it's falling out." Kurapika spluttered. "I need a towel or something- It'll ruin my pants, Leorio." 

Leorio, fully dressed now, signaled him over. "Come here. I'll take care of it."

"What? How?" Kurapika asked shakily, approaching him.

"Turn around."

"What?"

"Just do it, Kurapika."

Kurapika knew exactly what Leorio was going to do next, and he cringed. He felt a little bad, but at the same time... Leorio could have just... told him to deal with it.

Instead, here he was, parting two round globes of flesh to lap at the dribbling come. It was a real turn on, especially when Leorio got on his knees and pushed him forward. he grumbled into each lick, each stroke seeming to probe deeper and last longer. It had Kurapika biting his bottom lip to stifle just how good that actually felt. Whatever happened, he couldn't let that make him hard. He couldn't- everyone was just outside this door...

"Are you okay, now?" Leorio asked softly, ending his tentative licks with a small kiss.

Kurapika was a blushing mess when he turned around, and his nod was quick as he pieced himself back together. The sound of paper against concrete, though, distracted him a little as Leorio bent down.

"What's that?"

"Ah," Leorio began, "It's the paper Killua slipped under the door. The 'make up in order to get out' thing." Leorio explained. "Do you have a pen on you?"

Blinking, he checked his pockets, and found one. He handed it over, and Leorio scribbled something on it. He didn't check to see what was said, but he knew it was Leorio's way of asking to come out.

Kurapika followed him to the metal door and watched him slip it through the crack under the door. When Leorio stood, his palm wound around Kurapika's fragile hip, pulling him closer into his chest. He inclined his head, and kissed his temple. "I really do love you, Kurapika. If there ever comes a time when you're hurting or if I do something wrong, please tell me. I don't want it to build, I want to work on it so we can be happy together, okay?" Another kiss met the corner of his mouth, and Kurapika smiled a little.

Before he could say another word, a click sounded, and the door creaked open.

"Welcome back, you two. Did you work everything out?"

Blinking, Kurapika's eyes fell onto a bright-eyed Pairo. He seemed to be doing a little better, but he was still pale. He wondered why he was still there... maybe it was because he had to deal with the customers while he was locked away.

"We did." Leorio answered warmly, pulling Kurapika into his chest. The man hugged him from behind, and Kurapika blushed lightly. "Y-yeah... we're okay now." He whispered.

"Hah!" a voice choked from the other side of the room. Killua. "Pay up, Gon. I told you, didn't I? You too, Pairo!"

Pairo pursed his lips and stepped aside, allowing the two to exit, both hand in hand.

"You don't know for sure, Killua." Gon protested. "I'm not paying until I have proof."

"What?" Kurapika interjected, pulling Leorio along with him. "What do you mean? Did you guys... make a _bet_ _?"_ Kurapika asked in disbelief.

"Well, duh. You were in there for an hour." Killua said smugly. "I bet that I knew you two better, and these two owe me."

"What the hell do you mean?" Leorio hissed, "Gon did you bet that we wouldn't fix our problem?" Gon, put in the spotlight, quickly shook his head. "N-no, not that. We all knew you would, but that wasn't what Killua wanted to bet on."

Leorio's eyebrow quirked in question, and his free hand quickly met his own hip. "What did you bet on, then?"

Killua, unashamed, grinned. He grinned like the devil himself. "Whether or not you guys did it."

Kurapika's head snapped towards Leorio, wide-eyed and somewhat ashamed. Leorio did the same, but his grip on Kurapika's hand tightened.

"THERE'S YOUR PROOF." Killua practically yelled, attracting the attention of the chattering customers- who all seemed to be perfectly fine. Kurapika, at first, had worried if they'd been heard, but thankfully it seemed they hadn't. Except, they might figure out what had happened if Killua kept shouting.

"K-Killua, lower your voice." Kurapika stuttered. "The world doesn't need to know."

"I don't care so long as I get paid." Killua laughed, turning to Gon. "Pay. Up." 

For that, Kurapika glared at the three. "Really?  _Really?"_

Pairo joined Gon and both forked over a small wad of cash, which Killua easily prided and shoved into his pocket. The two shrugged. "Well, both of us _did_ think you'd work it out civilly..."

"Now- all we need to know is who topped." Killua grinned.

"NO. NO YOU DON'T." Kurapika spoke hastily, ignoring Pairo's words in favor of trying to stop his curious friend. "I need to work, now. Leorio, help me."

"It was Leorio, wasn't it." Killua guessed, standing up as the two tried to scoot past them. "Leorio is the top. He's big and muscle-y and he can do like, a hundred push ups without passing out."

"Don't count Kurapika out, though," Gon immediately countered, "He might be small, but that doesn't mean he can't take control. He orders people around a lot."

"Please," Killua huffed, "You're really going to argue that Kurapika topped? Someone who blushes like a girl and acts like one, too?"

"Hey! That's not funny, quit it." Kurapika protested, fingers gripping Leorio's hand a little too tightly. The man didn't object, but he didn't leave Kurapika alone to defend himself. "He's right, that's enough. It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does- I want to be right. I need to be right. Imagining Kurapika topping is a little weird, especially with you."

"Well, Killua," Gon added, "Leorio _is_ the one who cooks and labels everything. He helps Kurapika clean, too. Who says a smaller person can't be in control?"

Growling, Leorio shook his head, and pulled him away. "That's enough. Come on, Kurapika, let's work behind the counter. Show me what I can do to help."

"See? See, Gon? See how that big dummy is dragging Kurapika away? Look at him, Gon. Look at him. He practically screams testosterone. He's the dom. He has to be the dom."

Gon had to agree just from that. With Kurapika blushed up, sticking close to Leorio as he led him toward the counter, there was no real alternative. "Yeah... Yeah, I see it."

"I rest my case." Killua smiled, eyes gleaming with his victory.

Kurapika grabbed his apron, wanting to get as far away from the three people who decided to make a spectacle of his private life. "Those idiots," Kurapika murmured under his breath, pulling out an apron for Leorio. "I'll pay you for helping me, don't worry." Kurapika murmured, squeezing his hand before letting go.

"No worries. You can pay me later." Leorio teased, kissing his temple.

Not once had Kurapika stopped blushing. It was a wonder how he had blood enough to maintain his pink face. "Um-" He hesitated, covering his face in embarrassment. "Just... ah- make coffee. You know how to use the coffee maker at home, right? It's almost the same principle, except you have less grounds, and the coffee you make drains into a shot glass. From there, you grab a cup, add the necessary ingredients, and serve it. You should know, you've watched me do it a bunch of times before." He explained.

"As long as you make what they ask for, I'll take it from there, okay?" He murmured.

Leorio's only response was a quick kiss to his temple before he turned around. 

"I'll repeat the order for you so you know." Kurapika murmured. 

"Kurapika," a voice hailed him. 

Ah... the man with the hat. He'd nearly forgotten.

"You can start with me. I have to work in ten minutes."

"Alright- Leorio, think you can handle that?" Kurapika asked. "two pumps of blueberry syrup and a pump of vanilla topped off with skim milk. It's a hot drink, so ice isn't necessary." 

The man with the hat clapped, tucking a strand of silver hair behind his ears. "Very good, you got it right this time. I assume everything is back to normal?" he asked.

Kurapika nodded, and turned to grab the coffee Leorio handed to him after he'd quickly made it. He had no doubt that Leorio had listened to the order. He made him coffee at home every day and made him tea after work. He was a little too good at it.

"Three seventy-five, right?" Leorio asked over his shoulder.

Kurapika waved at him, and pointed at the counter. "He has a tab, it's okay. He always pays at the end of the week." He explained, handing the drink over. "What do you think?" He asked, turning his attention to the other man.

"Straws." The man mused, hand outstretched.

"Dammit," Kurapika cursed, but he laughed a little. "I think I'll always forget. It might be because Leorio hates straws."

"Could be." The man nodded, grabbing some straws from behind the counter. "You should set a cup of straws over here, then." He added, voice light and playful. He took a sip, and smiled. "Very good, actually, for a first try. He should work here more often. I might not mind him making my drinks in you absence." He murmured.

Kurapika smiled. "High compliment, Leorio. He likes it." He called over his shoulder.

"Good to know- I just got five drinks to make." He laughed, lightly skimming his fingers across his lower back, provoking a shiver.

Kurapika scrambled to help him, and for the next ten minutes, the two seemed to work well together. Each knowing the other's rhythm and pace, the two knocked out more customers in ten minutes than he and Pairo did in an hour. Perhaps it was the customer flow, or perhaps it was their team work, he would never know.

He also didn't know how tense, yet strangely protected he could feel when the man with the hat adjusted his hat lower over his eyes, and pointed toward the front door.

He nearly backed into Leorio, startled as his gaze met Chrollo's. The presence he had exuded on the day he kissed him was as prominent as ever, except Leorio's palms found his waist, pulling him back as the other approached the front of the counter.

This time, the entire cafe fell silent, watching Kurapika and Leorio instead of Chrollo, who set his elbows on the counter like he owned the place. He didn't, and Kurapika was about to tell him that he never would.

"An answer. I came for an answer, Kurapika." 

Kurapika's fingers fell to Leorio's around his waist. He swallowed nervously, but not because he was unsure of an answer- it was because Chrollo looked ten times as dangerous as he had before. As if he wasn't willing to take no for answer.

Kurapika's lips parted to answer, afraid of his reaction, but before any type of sound could escape him, Chrollo was rudely shoved... by the man with the hat.

"Dammit, you made me spill my coffee." The man grumbled irritably. "I waited an hour for it to get just right, and you ruined it."

Chrollo hissed at the man, and loomed over him. The man with the hat was seated, not quite looking up at him, but his fingers kept a firm grip on his hat. 

"What the hell? Who the fuck cares about your god damned coffee? Get another one later." he hissed. He turned to Kurapika, and tried to grab for him again. He missed, as Leorio pulled his lover just out of the way. No doubt his aim was to catch him like he did before, and kiss him. He was glad Leorio pulled him out of the way when he did. He could still taste Leorio's lips, and he wasn't ready to have something else linger instead.

"Excuse you," The man with the hat murmured under his breath. "I didn't hear a sorry."

Chrollo whirled around, fingers tightening into fists. Kurapika couldn't watch. He couldn't do anything. Chrollo was literally going to hit a customer... and he wasn't prepared for that. In all his years at this cafe, he hadn't had a problem like this at all. He also didn't take Chrollo for someone who would willingly hurt someone else if they pissed him off. 

But people change.

"Is this man bothering you, Kurapika?" The man with the hat suddenly asked. It was a question that didn't require an answer, for it was spoken a half second later. "I'll take care of him for you."

"N-No, wait, take it out--"

He was going to tell them to go outside- because he honestly didn't feel like cleaning up broken chairs or cleaning up any messes, but Chrollo was sprawled flat on his ass in the next second after a swift kick from the man's right foot.

Kurapika turned and buried his face into Leorio's chest, holding him tight because he was undoubtedly shocked. He hated violence, it was true, even when it was necessary... but beating up someone he had once loved was always difficult to watch. Leorio seemed to sense that, and though he didn't turn away either, he held him just as tight. If Kurapika had been watching, however, he might have seen Killua, Gon, and Pairo hurry over to assist the man with the hat. Obviously it wasn't necessary, considering that, with a single lift of his hat, face revealed, Chrollo found the exit himself.

The man with the hat adjusted it back over his eyes and sat down with a sigh.

The entire cafe was still silent- and they had every right to be. When Kurapika turned around, he had to wonder how, with a single lift of his hat, the man could send Chrollo- someone easily as ten times as strong as the thin man was- reeling backward and out the front door of the cafe without a single second to spare.

"Don't worry, he won't bother you again, Kurapika." The man murmured. "Can I have another coffee, though? I'm glad it didn't spill on my pants. I have places to be this afternoon." 

The cafe was still silent, but as Leorio's grip on Kurapika loosened, and he turned to make his coffee, the cafe fell into a silent sort of chatter and curious whispers. 

"Who... Who are you?" Killua whispered, leaning in to get a good look at the man. He saw him come into the shop every day, but he thought he was just a regular customer. He didn't honestly peg him as someone suspicious. Everyone had reservations about the man, but the only one who seemed even remotely comfortable talking to him was Kurapika.

"Is there a reason why you never say your name?" Kurapika asked, making sure to grab straws from the straw bin.

The man shrugged. "I suppose... If my name got out it could cause problems."

Blinking, Kurapika slipped the straws into the cup Leorio handed him, and passed it over. "So... is there a name you go by instead?" He asked.

The man took a sip, and sighed. "Good- good man. I think your friend there is better at remembering things than you are." He lightly teased. He took another sip, and then set it a little to the side.

"You can call me Kite, if you prefer."

"Kite..." Gon echoed. "I... I think I've heard that name somewhere before, but I can't remember."

"Really?" Killua asked, "Do you know anything else?"

Gon shook his head. "Kite, then- what is it that you do?"

"Ah- always curious. You  _were_ always the one to be curious." Kite spoke.

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

"Well..." Kite trailed, not really caring about the question or who asked it. "I suppose... you could say I know things."

"You know things?" Kurapika asked. "What things? Random things?"

"Eh... you could say that, I suppose." Kite murmured, grabbing his coffee. He raised his cup and gave a small smile. "You remember when I told you I had work? How long ago did I tell you that, Kurapika?"

"You said you had to work in ten minutes..." Kurapika murmured, confused. "But what does that have to do with--"

"And how long ago did I say that?" Kite pressed.

Kurapika glanced at the clock, and inwardly cringed. "Uh... About ten minutes ago, I guess? But so what?"

"What about before that? What did I say?"

"I don't understand." Kurapika said, shaking his head.

Kite sighed, and shrugged. "Well, I knew about Pairo's medication, didn't I? And your reminders whenever you part ways to return home, right?" 

"Coincidence." Killua cut in sharply. "We all know Pairo takes medication in the morning and the evening. So what? Just because you overhear things doesn't make you--"

"Fine, then. I'll be direct." Kite said curtly, taking one last sip. "I can predict things just by knowing what type of people are involved, and I know a thing or two without being told. Test me if you don't believe me." 

"This is bullshit." Killua grumbled, throwing his hands into the air. "All of it. Cut the crap and tell us who you really are, does it really matter that much? You're probably some nobody who can hold his own." 

Gon elbowed Killua, and whispered to him urgently.

"I don't like people who pretend they're some big shot, under-the-table 'mastermind.'" Killua hissed.

Kurapika glared at Killua. He hadn't known him to get riled up this easily- especially over someone like Kite. Kite had defended him, and he was grateful for that, but Killua seemed to be missing the point.

"Come on, Killua... Let the man talk." Leorio spoke lightly, hugging Kurapika from behind. "Let him say whatever he wants, and then judge him as much as you want afterward."

Killua's only response was crossed arms and rolling eyes.

"Alright, then. If you're so special... Tell me something I don't know."

Kite snorted. "If I tell you something you don't know, how would that sate your anger? You wouldn't know if it was true. How about I bring some things to your attention- maybe some things you haven't shared? Something that's not quite... public?" 

Killua looked him dead in the eye, even though he couldn't see it. He could only stare at what he assumed was his eye socket. "Enlighten me." He growled.

Gon took his hand and laced their fingers to calm him, hoping that it would help, but he was unsure even after his hand was taken. 

"Alright, let's see..." Kite muttered thoughtfully, elbows resting on the counter as he deliberated in his mind, chin resting on his laced hands. "For starters, I assume everyone knows about the drug usage, right? Despite being a rich Zoldyck kid, you've had some major issues. Neglect, right? Neglect of some form?"

Killua took a step back, palm finding its way to the counter top to steady himself momentarily, despite Gon's grasp. "That's... Anyone... anyone could find that out easily." He whispered. 

Gon squeezed his hand reassuringly, eyebrows cinching with evident concern. 

"And what of the near kidnapping, hm? What about the bodies that piled at your feet, and the blood that splattered on them? Mommy and Daddy didn't release that to the public, did they?" Kite muttered mockingly. "Believe me now?"

Killua's fists clenched, and his heart beat rapidly in his chest. "You sick bastard." He hissed.

Kite all but grinned, and leaned just a little bit closer. "Or shall we continue? Because I know there's another secret that Mommy and Daddy have been keeping from the public, too, isn't that right, Killua? Because I think leaving poor little Alluka out of the family portraits is a pretty shitty move, wouldn't you say?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: Kite actually hates the blueberry vanilla latte that he gets every day- he gets four of them per day because when he first came to Kurta Coffee, Kurapika's grandpa was the only one to offer him a drink that was completely unique. Kite not only drinks the latte in Kurapika's grandpa's name, but also because the bitter, disgusting taste wakes him up after four cups.
> 
> (Make sure to check out the other story that CielPhantomhive and I are writing- it's called The Color Grey if you haven't heard. Please let us know if it's worth continuing! There's only two chapters out right now, but it'll quickly pick up. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!)


	32. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning of the happiest arc that will grace this fic ever.
> 
> Alluka has a fight with Kikyo, and Killua is a loving, doting older brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *comes in five months late*
> 
> Yooooo sorry life started and I've been trying to catch up with it.
> 
> Thank you all for sticking around, and I hope you enjoy this chapter and this arc!

"Geez! Fuck that guy!" Killua complained, three hours after the conversation ended. He was still angry, had been seething ever since, and he was set on winning the argument, still. Even if it was only in his head.

When the guy, Kite, was still in front of him, Killua had gone red with rage, though he wouldn't have admitted it, and he'd held his tongue. He didn't want to have an outburst in Kurta Coffee, or as he had decided to start referring to it as, pull a Chrollo.

He'd certainly showed Kite what's what in his head for the entire three hours since than.

_Because I think leaving poor little Alluka out of the family portraits is a pretty shitty move, wouldn't you say?_

_Well, I think your face is a shitty move._

No. Killua had to be more mature than that. He was a self-respecting adult, and even if it was only internally, he would win this argument like one, god dammit. Which gave him an idea.

_You're acting your age, aren't you? Attacking me for something that wasn't even my decision._

Damn, that was mature. He must have been spending more time with Senritsu than he'd originally thought.

Of course, the only problem with this comeback was that he had no way of going up to the man with the blue hat and actually saying it to him. If he was to be honest with himself, even with a kick ass remark like that one, he had no way of delivering it and by extension, no way of winning the  _actual argument._

Well shit.

Killua leaned back to lay down on the couch, throwing his arms up to cover his face. At the moment, he was alone in Gon's apartment, collapsed on the couch with a steaming cup of hot chocolate just beyond him. Gon himself was out doing... something. Killua wasn't exactly sure, but it looked important. And even though a tiny little voice in his voice had shouted "it's Ging," he had smacked it down just as fast as it had risen up. He wasn't at the point where he wanted to deal with its shit, and he knew it wasn't true. Ging had vocally disowned Gon twice, in front of the guy, so Killua knew that it simply couldn't be the case.

Gon may be forgiving, but Killua knew he wasn't about to let something like that slip.

Somewhere in the vast apartment, derailing his train of thought, he heard the shrill chirping of his phone going off. And then again.

And then a third time, which told him it was urgent enough to get off the couch for; which led to him spending a full five minutes looking for the device before he was able to look at it.

_**Alluka: Three new messages** _

His brow furrowed as he unlocked his phone and opened the messages.

_**Alluka:** Killua, I need help!!!_

**_Alluka:_ ** _I think mom's kicking me out??_

 **_Alluka:_ ** _I really need somewhere to go. Is it okay if I stay at your place until it blows over??_

In response to this information, Killua had two reactions. First, he let out the sigh that had been building in his chest. Then, he pursed his lips into a sigh and sent a response as comprehensive and fast as he possibly could.

_Absolutely, I know Ritsu won't mind. Feel free to let yourself in if she's not there. I'll be home in a bit, but when I get there tell me everything_

Killua counted himself lucky that Ritsu loved his little sister as much as he did. And he was worried; why wouldn't he be? Of everything he wanted, knowing what had gone down between his sister and mother was definitely at the top of his list.

He had to get back. He felt like he simply needed to be there for her.

As he pulled his coat back on and tucked his ears into his knit hat, he sent off a quick text to Gon. He tried to briefly explain the situation and that he was leaving. Though he figured he should be back later, but if he wasn't, at least Gon would know where he was.

* * *

Alluka had indeed made it back to his apartment before him, and her eyes were clouded, puffy, and red. He didn't even pull off his coat or hat before rushing toward her and sweeping her into his arms.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked, squeezing her against him. He could feel her hands clenched into his coat, almost like claws. She didn't answer but buried her face in his shoulder.

"Do you need to stay here?" He asked. She nodded, and he felt her huddle closer to him and nod her head a second time. Killua held her closely. She was shaking, so hard, and he hated it. He wanted to know what was wrong, but he also wanted her to take her time. Ultimately, he wanted her to be okay. He wanted her to smile.

On the table, a phone buzzed- Alluka's, Killua hadn't realized it was there until it began to cue the incoming call. Alluka pulled away from the hug first. Her eyes, glossy with unshed tears, locked onto the device, and she reached over to pick it up, brow crinkled.

"Oh," her voice was wispy when she said the word, before she made a quick gesture and brought the device to her ear.

"Hey." She curled into her brother's side. In response, he put an arm around her shoulders. Vaguely, he could hear the voice on the other side- male, talking quickly.

Alluka smiled, her cheeks glowing red at whatever remark was made, and internally, Killua exalted whoever it was she talked to. Although, he also couldn't help but wonder who this voice on the other line belonged to. He knew Pairo went to the same school and her and that the two were friends, but that wasn't the voice he heard on the line.

It was a kind of rough voice, at least from what he could hear from the tinny quality of the reception.

"I'll... Could I text you later about it? ... Yeah, I'll be okay. I've got my brother here... The nice one... Thanks, talk to you later. Bye." She put her phone on the coffee table and curled into Killua's side, fingers gripped into his sweater as he put his arms around her again.

"Mom called me trash." She muttered into the fabric. "She broke down and said I was trash." Killua frowned. "I think she was tired. Since Illumi's getting married to a man, and you're dating a man. I don't think she's ever liked it- she just went along with it because of how dad is. You know, he doesn't care what you guys do as long as you don't publicly ruin the family name. I think mom just got tired. And she took it out on me because that's easiest. Because I'm the weirdest."

Killua shook his head and stroked Alluka's hair. "You're not weird. You're my smart, kind, and beautiful little sister. Whom I love. And Ritsu loves you. And Gon loves you. Kurapika, all them at Kurta. Your friends. Illumi, Kalluto. Dad. We all love you, no matter what."

Alluka pulled back, looking at Killua with wet eyes. "Would you love me if I had short hair, wore briefs, and didn't ever take hormones? Brother, would you love me if I had a beard?"

Killua nodded. "I'll love you no matter what. Would you be happy if that were the case?"

Alluka shook her head.

"I thought so." He gave her a gentle smile. "I'll always love you, and I'll always want you to be happy. No matter what the path you take is. If you ever need something, just ask. And dad's here for you too, don't forget that."

Alluka nodded, before pulling away completely.

"Do you think boys like me?"

"They'd be stupid not to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: Killua definitely listens to "Famous Last Words" on eternal repeat because he is a mid-2000's emo kid and will be for the rest of his life.
> 
> Also, feel free to hound me with questions about literally anything on [tumblr](http://edoqawa.tumblr.com).


	33. We Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Zoldyck siblings do a little bit of unofficial relocating.
> 
> Killua is a [luxury few can afford](https://cdn1.thehunt.com/app/public/system/zine_images/10758430/original/e90057187924094ab5c9d127a9ed073b.png).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *slides this over*  
> (hi i'm still alive)
> 
> (Also, lots of dirty jokes in this chapter, I'm so sorry.)

"It got softer."

Creased eyebrows, narrowed eyes regarded him.

"How is this even possible? How is this softer?"

A scoff, a smirk.

"I swear, Gon, this shit is illegal."

His weight shifted, the springs of the mattress squeaked slightly as he did. Killua buried his face into the pillow. He could have sworn it was feather-down. Just like the blanket. And was there some kind of extra cushion on the mattress or something? It was ungodly. A weight came down over him, arms tucking around him, squeezing him tightly as he twisted the comforter around his feet. He did love Gon's bed. It was highly superior to his own.

"You're completely buried. I can't even see you anymore." Gon's chest and voice were shaking with laughter, and Killua imagined his eyes skating down his covered form, amused.

"It's  _so warm, do you even-_ "

"You are aware that I live here, and sleep in this bed, right?" Gon said with a laugh before he shifted his weight off of Killua and into the space beside him, arms still holding tight. In response, Killua shook his head, eyes opening to the darkness and warmth of under the covers.

"You don't. With how often you spend in my bed?  _Ha!_ You spend like, at most, one night a week sleeping over here." He retorted. " _And_ that's when you have the night shift." Killua pressed his lips together, pushing them out into a slight pout. "How can you afford this apartment with your job?" Killua felt the bed shift again and Gon's body press closer to his own.

"My dad... He bought it for me a while back. I've never been bothered about rent, but..." Gon sighed. "Maybe I should have thought of that before that whole... deal." Killua pushed the covers off of his head and looked at Gon.

"What kind of person is he?" He asked though the question seemed to surprise Gon a little.

"Probably not the kind to cut me off for speaking my mind. Ah, but that was you... I just got mad and fumed in the car..." His head bent, nose dipping into Killua's cloud of hair. "I don't know..."

Killua turned to his side, facing Gon, and hugged him, burying his face into Gon's chest. He let the cogs turn, working through all of his thoughts and ideas and conflicts - from the both of them, not just him - until he came up with a solid, logical answer that made him feel more like an adult than anything had in months.

"You know. Alluka got into a fight with our mom and needs somewhere to stay..." He prefaced the idea as he felt Gon shift back a little. He looked up into eyes full of interest. "Everything's okay. She's been staying with Ritsu while we get everything settled... Which is why I've been staying over here, didn't I tell you that?"

Gon shook his head.

"Well, anyway. With negotiations - i.e. me sticking my nose where it doesn't belong - it looks like Alluka will have to stay with Ritsu indefinitely... However, dad did say that he would take care of that part of the rent because Alluka isn't technically an adult-"

"Wait, so you-"

"Right. That's what I'm getting at. I could move in with you! I could let Alluka have my room! How great would that be?"

Gon's eyebrows raised, and Killua grinned up at him.

"I don't know..."

Killua gaped. "Oh, come on. Look, my parents give me money, and if I'm helping you with rent, I won't have enough for... less good things. You get my drift? I mean, I  _know_ I've been being really good about all this, but come on. It's me we're talking about. Something bad is bound to happen. So I'll just, channel it towards other things. I mean. They give me a lot, and it used to go between rent with Ritsu, art supplies, condoms, and drugs." He buried his face in Gon's chest again. "Please."

"You don't seem to be giving me much of a choice..."

He shook his head. "I'm not."

* * *

 

 

"Why can't I just stay in Ritsu's room?" Alluka asked with her lips in a pout. "No offense, bro, but your room kind of... sucks. Can you even get that window up there open? Do you ever leave the door open?" She shook her head, hands on her hips. "Not to be crass, but it honestly smells like stale sem-" Killua let out a loud sigh as he put the box on the bed. She squeaked and rushed forward, quickly taking it off.

"Dude, what?"

"Let me wash the bedding first..." She looked around. "Let me wash this entire room..." Her nose scrunched before she called out. "Ritsu! Mind if I keep my stuff in your room?"

The woman in question leaned in, brow crinkled. "Why?"

"Doesn't it smell like stale sex in here?" His little sister asked pointedly. Ritsu seemed to consider this for a moment. Her eyes scanned the floor and bedding.

"Maybe not sex. More like stale masturbation." Ritsu replied. To that, Killua threw up his hands before walking out of the room. The girls called after him.

"I did  _not_ ask to be roasted. You guys are mean!" He called back, laughing a little. Mean, but true. Not the masturbation part, but he was very much aware - at least his body was - that he had not had sex in a  _very. Long. Time._ It wasn't, per say, a bad thing. Just something he wasn't very used to. Killua scratched his head, biting his lower lip.

He hadn't been this chaste for a while, perhaps even years. Not since he was in his third year of high school. At the beginning of their relationship, he knew that he and Gon had had a few "rolls in the hay," as some put it, but even that had worn off its novelty. Killua just felt like he didn't need it anymore.

He remembered something he'd thought of once a while ago, about bones and the way they break. Did he feel closer to Gon now than before? How was he supposed to know? Was it okay for them to try to take that step again with this newfound strength?

His brow furrowed.

Why did this seem so important to him all of a sudden? He'd gone so long without thinking about it, yet now here he was: standing in the middle of the ditchen contemplating sex with his boyfriend. He pursed his lips.

It wasn't important, that was the only conclusion he had been able to come to. They had something a little more than they used to. They had something a little stronger than they used to, and Killua didn't need the affirmations that came from the act anymore. He took a breath. If it happened, it happened. If it didn't, it didn't. It certainly wasn't as important as his brain wanted to make it out to be.

"Don't tell me you're this mad?" Alluka said from the entrance, and Killua turned, surprised.

"Oh, no no. Sorry. I just got a little lost in thought. You need my help?" He took a few steps forward. Alluka grinned and nodded.

"Yes, where are the cleaning supplies?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: Pairo knows too damn much about the Black Plague.
> 
> I'm trying my best, but let me know where I'm lacking! Comments and interaction = faster updates!!! (Because honestly idek if anyone actually reads this anymore??)
> 
> Also, 1/3 of the way through!!! (fukc)
> 
> Here's my [Tumblr](https://edoqawa.tumblr.com)!


	34. Like a Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Domesticity and Happiness.  
> Some happy relaxation and lovey-dovey shtick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy anniversary!! This fic is 2 years old! :D

"How long has that been there?" Killua muttered as he threaded his fingers through Gon's, eyes lazying over the darker of two wrists.

"What do you mean?" Gon wasn't really paying attention, opting instead to keep his eyes on the movie playing on the screen in front of them as Killua leaned over, surveying the skin as flashes of light from the television screen lit it up.

The people on the screen fought, blades clanging together as Killua ran his hand over Gon's skin. He knew he should be paying attention - that this was Gon's favorite movie that he'd never seen. That they could finally get the time among all the familial problems they'd encountered over the months to watch it.

As much as Killua was honored that Gon wanted to share his favorite movie, he had still found himself distracted by a slight discoloration in Gon's skin.

More accurately, a freckle. He was distracted by a freckle he could have sworn he'd never seen before then. A loud clang from the television startled him slightly.

"You would have known that was coming if you'd been paying attention," Gon commented absently, and when Killua looked up, he saw a slight smirk on Gon's face.

"Have you always had that freckle there or do I just have a terrible memory?"

Gon glanced down. "Oh, would you look at that?"

"Is it new?"

"I can't remember." Gon's mouth turned down in a slight pout. Killua laughed.

"I always knew that 'back of my hand' expression was a lie." Killua laid back, dropping himself onto Gon's lap. "So what's this movie about anyway? I haven't been paying attention."

Gon let out a sharp breath. "I know that. Even though it pains me, I will gladly explain to you what is happening."

"You didn't need to put it like that," Killua grumbled.

"Okay, so..."

* * *

 

Killua always got his best sleep when he was next to Gon. Gon was a cuddler, and Killua always seemed to have at least one hand draped over Gon by morning. At least meaning sometimes he woke up and his entire body was splayed over Gon. Still, Gon always seemed to be hugging him with all his strength.

Today was the first morning he woke to the scent of coffee and the sheets cold beside him. Of course, he was counting all of the days he'd slept over at Gon's before he'd moved in, but still.

He turned onto his back and draped an arm over his face.

"Need to learn his schedule." The words came out garbled and grumbled.

Making a conscious decision to forsake the warmth and comfort that the bed provided- he rolled off of it, letting his body fall to the floor in an attempt to wake himself up. With a long groan, he pushed himself up, gathering the blankets that came with him and wrapping himself up before exiting the room and venturing towards the scent of coffee.

The kitchen, when he made it there, was empty. But the coffee maker was full and a note sat beside it.

Killua picked it up and grinned at the fact that it wasn't quite a note, but a drawing of a stick figure version of him holding a green mug with steam floating up out of it. He was sitting on the couch, too. A big grin on his face.

Killua turned the paper over.

_You've got the day to yourself. Try not to miss me too much!_

_Love, Gon_

He let out a soft and stuttered chuckle before he turned to the cabinet, fished out a mug, filled it up with coffee, and immediately deflated.

"What the fuck are my hobbies," he muttered into the hot liquid.

Painting? Or drawing? He supposed so, but did he actually have any inspiration- apart from Gon's charming scrawl.

He could watch a movie? He and Gon were working through a trilogy at the moment, but he knew Gon wanted to watch it with him.

He could... Rewatch something he'd seen hundreds of times before? Sounds like a plan.

* * *

"Do I smell popcorn?" The door to the apartment opened and closed. Killua twisted to see behind him.

"Welcome back. I have extra. Also no life apparently. Come, join me."

Gon laughed as he rounded the couch.

"I probably smell like animal..."

"It'll be just like cuddling Mike. Now come. I have gone a very long time without human contact, and I might die."

Gon chuckled and dropped down onto the couch beside him. "I'm sure you won't."

"I'll die."

"You won't."

"I will."

Gon kissed him softly.

"It's good to be back," he mumbled as he sat back into the couch. "What are we watching?"

Killua smiled, despite feeling like his cheeks were heating up. And as much as he wanted to cover his face with his hands, he settled against Gon's side.

"It may or may not be about the Apocalypse, and I may or may not have seen it already ten times."

* * *

 

Once again, Killua fell asleep against Gon's side, pressed into his warmth. 

He wanted to count all the times he did this, recall the number when his heart was heavy and he didn't want to exist.

He wanted to remember that at all times, there was someone who would hold him when he was sad, who would hold him when he was happy or lonely or angry. Someone who would stay by his side.

Killua scrunched his face with a quiet laugh.

"You've taken over my thoughts," he muttered into Gon's ribs. "The way you talk... It's become my conscious. It's not fair... You're not fair."

He took a deep breath.

"Gon, I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Komugi loves warm banana bread muffins with chocolate chips.


	35. You Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alluka shops for her prom dress with Ritsu, somewhere offscreen.
> 
> Gon and Killua have budget mochas and watch nature documentaries just to look at small fuzzy animals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, Gon! <3

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" He asked, arm folded in front of him, resting on the countertop. Gon was in front of him, though Killua wasn't quite sure what he was doing. It looked like he was messing with the coffee maker.

" _Yeah, stop worrying so much. Ritsu is with me. We're making it a whole day. We're getting our nails done, and we'll be getting lunch too._ " Alluka answered. He could hear the background noise getting louder around her. " _I have to go now! Love you!_ "

"Love you too. Be careful." His voice was soft as he spoke, and he pulled the phone away from his ear and ended the call, putting it down on the counter.

"So," he looked up at Gon, who grinned at him, teeth bared. "What exactly are you doing?"

"You know how you love chocolate? And coffee?" Gon put two mugs on the counter.

"That exists."

"Okay, but instant coffee with a hot chocolate packet," was the reply, as the aforementioned packets were placed on the counter.

"And the coffeemaker?" Killua asked.

"Hot water. Goes in last. It's foolproof. I saw this on the internet."

Killua chuckled. "Were there instructions, or was it: put these two things together to get a mocha you could buy professionally made!"

"I'll have you know that there were instructions and various reviews with tips to make it better." Gon pouted, which spurred Killua to hop down from the stool at the counter and join him in the kitchen, hugging him from behind. He pressed a kiss into Gon's shoulder and rested his chin there.

"Want me to help?" He asked, voice gentle. His fingers linked together in front of the two of them, and Gon turned around, facing him and wrapping his own arms around Killua. Their foreheads pressed together, eyes closed. They stayed like that for a minute, Gon's fingers rubbing Killua's back slightly.

"No, I'm fine. However, why don't you find something for us to do while we're drinking the internet mochas?"

"Budget mochas," Killua said with a slight life. "And what, is my company alone not enough for you?" Gon moved, pressing their temples together.

"You'd get embarrassed, believe me. I might start going  _on_ and  _on_ about how much I love you." He said, before ducking away and kissing Killua's cheek. "That's why we should do something else. As cute as you are when you're embarrassed, I don't want you to get uncomfortable."

Killua didn't reply, only nodded, cheeks already a bright red before leaving the kitchen. He threw himself down on the couch and listened to Gon for a moment. To the clinking of the mugs against the glass and plastic of the coffee pot. For a moment, he thought, eyes darting around the room until he found his options.

Blanket, television, phone. Every option he thought of always ended with their legs wrapped up and Killua's head resting on Gon's chest.

He pushed himself up and off the couch to grab the blanket and wrap himself up in it before flicking on the TV and flipping through the menu. The first thing that caught his eye was some kind of documentary, or at least he figured, but when he turned it on, he was greeted with something he figured Gon would also appreciate. A small white fluff ball darting across a forest floor, while the narrator was saying something about the Dark Continent's inhabitants.

Gon came out of the kitchen soon after and looked at the screen. He placed the two mugs on the coffee table before he sat down. A slight grin tugged at his lips.

"Oh, look," he said, clearly holding back laughter as he nodded at the creature on the screen. "It's you." Killua sighed at that and grabbed the mug.

"Have you tried this yet?" He asked, and was answered by Gon shaking his head. Slowly, he brought it up to his lips, before gathering his courage and taking a drink.

He blinked. "Oh. It's good." Gon beamed with happiness.

"I'm so glad you liked it! I looked for hours to-" He cut himself off. "Anyway, let's just..." Gon looked back up to the screen, and Killua couldn't help but look at him.

"Did you really spend that much time looking for a quick recipe?" He leaned forward, placing the drink on the table.

"I wanted you to be happy..."

For a moment, Killua stayed silent, watching Gon. The way he didn't look over, yet Killua could see his cheeks darkening slightly. The way his eyes were no longer watching the television but looking at the floor instead. He leaned forward, pressing his face into Gon's sleeve.

"I am. At any point in time. Next to you. I am. Always. There's no one else I could be this happy, this emotionally fulfilled with."

For a moment, Killua wanted to pull back, if only just to see the look on Gon's face, until he felt a hand curling up at the back of his head, entangling the locks and holding him close.

Killua chuckled and gripped Gon's shirt. "You're such a sap, but you know. It's really nice," he said. "I bet you're a nice shade of red right now."

Gon turned, tilting back, and guided Killua's head up, until they were face to face. He was, really, a nice red. With the hand that wasn't grasping onto Gon's shirt, Killua reached up and touched his face. The skin felt hot beneath his hand, but he leaned forward anyway, until their noses touched.

"I'm going to kiss you," Killua said, as the air between them started to feel fuller and fuller.

"Okay." Gon closed his eyes, which made Killua smile slightly as he pushed forward, slipping their lips together in a proper kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: Whether Gon and Killua admit it or not, if one of them starts singing Toxic by Britney Spears, the other will always join in.
> 
> Bonus: It's almost always out of tune.
> 
> (Tip: Hot chocolate powder, instant coffee, pour those in mug, slow but constant stream hot water. Stir, enjoy. <\- Budget mocha [lots of mocha recipes online require a lot of ingredients. This one works just fine without the hassle. I'm sure any other chocolate powder will work, but I haven't tried them. If you do, let me know how it tastes!])
> 
> Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://edoqawa.tumblr.com) because I'm lonely and that's where you can find out when I'll update.


	36. Thunder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alluka's prom dress, cuddles, and some sibling bonding time.

"Gon," Killua said, tapping his shoulder. "Look, look." He held up his phone for the other, directing his attention to its screen. Gon's eyes looked over the screen, brows raised.

"Is that it?" He asked, reaching over and tilting the screen toward him so he could see better. "Did they get it? She looks great."

Killua nodded, sitting up more, leaning against Gon's side. "Doesn't she? I'm so glad they chose that one; she looks like a princess." The picture was from within the changing room, Alluka's hands were on her hips, in a sleeveless pink dress and a flowing skirt, but most importantly, at least to Killua, was the smile on her face, absolutely beaming at the camera.

He sat up, bringing his phone back in front of him and turning off the screen, before setting it off to the side. "It's in a couple of months still, right?" Gon asked him, leaning over, and Killua noticed the two of them slowly shifting to the other side, as Gon slid over and into him. Killua slipped his arm over Gon and pressed his head against his.

"Your hair's so weird," he muttered as his fingers curled up into Gon's dark locks.

"How so?" Gon asked, and Killua could see him looking up.

"Sticks up. All the time." He ran his hand through it again, wrapping the strands around his fingers. "And it's fluffy... I love it."

Gon chuckled. "That's good. Maybe you should keep running your hands through it."

Killua hummed as he buried his face into Gon's hair. "Good thing I love it."

"If you didn't love it, you would do this? Even if I asked?" Gon moved back, and Killua was met by big, wide, amber eyes looking at up him. Killua pouted in return.

"Don't make that face at me. You know I didn't mean it like that." He answered, pushing a hand through Gon's hair. The strands fell back, and Killua thought Gon's hair looked nice that way too, all back like that. Pursing his lips, he started to rake Gon's hair in different directions, just to see how it looked, and he continued doing that until his phone started going off. The loud and sudden rumble of its vibration caused Killua to startle slightly, his hands untangling from Gon's hair to check the phone.

He was surprised by the name that came up on the screen and answered immediately, brow furrowed. He could see Gon giving him a look that seemed to ask if it was important or not.

"Hey, is something wrong?" He asked. He certainly hoped there wasn't, but he didn't know any other reason for Kalluto to call him out of the blue like that.

" _I'm outside. Please let me in._ "

At that, Killua sat up straight, and Gon slowly shifted off of his lap. "Wait, where are you?"

" _Outside your apartment._ "

"Did Alluka...?"

" _Yes, I'm at the new one. Where you live with your boyfriend. Please let me in. His neighbors are giving me weird looks... That's right I can see you._ " The last part was faint like the phone had been pulled away from his face as he spoke.

Killua slipped his legs out from underneath Gon and stood up, heading for the door.

"Is something wrong?" Gon asked him, looking over the back of the couch, watching Killua.

"I don't know. It's unlike Kalluto to... you know, do surprising things." He stated as he gripped the doorknob, before turning it and finding his younger brother on the other side. That itself didn't surprise Killua, but something else, that was yet another unexpected treat from his youngest brother, did cause his heart to skip a beat or two.

"No wonder they were looking at you weird, what are you wearing?" He asked as Kalluto pushed past him into the apartment.

"Holy-!" Gon seemed to hide behind the couch as he cut off his exclamation.

It certainly didn't help that Kalluto was dressed like he belonged in a visual metal band, like Kiss or something.

"Not you too!" Kalluto frowned. His shoulders, padded with leather and spikes, sank. Killua shook his head.

"No, no. I mean. Just. Why? Did you join a band?" He asked, and Kalluto nodded. Another surprise, Killua laughed. "That's awesome. Not with that gang, right?"

"They weren't a gang," Kalluto grumbled. "But no. There are these guys in my class who wanted someone good looking and good at singing, and surprise. I got picked. We've actually got a gig later today, which is why..." He gestured to himself. "And I wanted to let you know. Because well... I haven't seen you in a while, and I missed you. I wanted to shock you... Did it work?"

Killua nodded. "I think Gon passed out." Kalluto glanced at the couch and laughed.

"Well, uh. I think it would be great if you could... Come to the show? It's at nine, and... I hope it's not too much to ask. I'd love to have my brothers there." He said, and Killua saw a shy smile creep onto his face.

"I think we're free. Mind if I bring Gon?" He asked, and Kalluto shook his head.

"Go ahead."

Killua walked back over to the couch and leaned over the back of it. "Hey," he said while reaching down to where Gon had buried his face into the couch. "Do you want to go?" Gon nodded, and Killua held up a thumb for his brother to see.

"You said brothers," Killua noted while standing up straight, leaning against the couch. "Illumi and Milluki?" Kalluto nodded, obviously beaming.

"Yes! They said they would come! Can you believe it?" The smile shrank but was still clearly there. Killua saw Kalluto's hands, in fingerless leather gloves, wrap together in front of him. "It makes me really happy, you know? To have all of you coming to see the show. I know I've never really done anything much, or really had anything I cared about until now. But I'm glad you guys are here for this. Because I think... This is it. This is what I want."

Killua smiled and walked back over to him, before wrapping his arms around Kalluto's shoulders. "You're going to do great. I know it. Because this is something you want. And I will be there to support you, no matter what."

Kalluto grinned once again and hugged him back.

"Thank you so much."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: Zushi is trying to make it big as a Let's Player. He has 10 subscribers and sometimes plays Co-op with Pairo. (He likes playing arena fighting games.)
> 
> AN Below:
> 
> Hi guys. So, things have happened, and I do appreciate the support this Fic got while it was being written, but I cannot write it anymore.
> 
> On March 18th, everything past the original ending will be deleted and this story will be marked as complete.  
> I'm sorry. - nimery (February 15th, 2018)


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